I am trying not to cry

[NeverGotMyPuppy]

We are in holiday with MIL, DH's stepdad and their 3 teenagers. We are me, DH and DS (a year old).

His stepdad's treatment of the teenagers is so so different to how he treats DH. DH went off the rails as a teenager and it's so obvious why. It's just so upsetting to watch.

Your MIL is an absolute disgrace. She allowed her two older children to be abused by their stepfather. And to me what she has allowed to happen, and still allows to happen seems far worse than what the stepfather has done.
I've been there myself, and as someone who was abused by a stepfather who spoiled his own child, whilst my mother looked on it makes me so angry. And I am still incredibly angry at my mother even now. It was her job to protect me, but what she did was stand back and allow shit to happen because 'she loved him'. And it was easier. I've been no contact now for the best part of twenty years. Best thing I ever did.

You have the opportunity to work in one of the richest and most vibrant countries in the world.

Faints.

Someone on MN said something nice about the United States. I may have to report this.

Op hopefully this will be the turning point now, go to America, I'm sure jus younger siblings would visit and keep putting step dad off... Just gently bat away. Go and have amazing life!

I can understand, not condone, why raising the younger children might have been different. His parents were younger, first time parents with 3 under twos when your dh was a teenager it would have been tough for everyone. For the younger siblings as they grew his parent were older, perhaps more patient, financially more stable and didn't have responsibility anymore for the adult children?

But, being nasty to your dh now and comments along the lines of punching your baby in the face are totally unacceptable and should not be tolerated.

I hope you can persuade DH to emigrate!

@Lovemenorca it really isnt. They aren't my relations, they are his. I'd say that was pretty normal.

Could u give me a fucking break please?

Well then maybe don’t post about your FIL saying he will punch your baby in the face, and all the stuff you know about your partner’s childhood and then spout nonsense that you can’t say anything because it’s his family. Sure, tell yourself that if you don’t want to protect your child from this kind of toxic environment.
But don’t expect posters to be as backward in coming forward as you are

@KetoWithIF Great decision. Let me know when you're sorted and we'll get lunch.

DH was and is treated exactly the same. He wasn;t a girl, or the golden Eldest best-behaved child who kowtows to everything MIl says, and believes every lie that comes out of her mouth. She didn't bother with him at all, ever - but the only female child, well, she could shit on Mother Teresa and punch her in the face and somehow it would still be Mother Teresa's fault and don;tchaknow her shit is made of pure gold so MT should be grateful she got shat on? It was only when dh managed to achieve a career change to an extremely well-paid job (after working three jobs for several years, studying and studying and studying himself into the ground, weekly exams for 2 years where he had to achieve a 90% minimum every week or else no one would hire him etc) that suddenly she showed an interest, because of what she could then get out of him.

Needless to say, we just don;t have any interest in her. And because we don;t lick her boots like the brainwashed oldest son does, and she had her perks taken away from her (dh was contacted directly with complaints from colleagues about their rude and drunken behaviour whilst using company family perks), she just doesn't give a shit about him. DH just doesn;t care. Which is fine by me - she's said and behaved so awfully to him over the years that it's best we don;t have any contact.

I think you have hit the nail on the head with your jealousy comments.

This sad specimen was obviously jealous when DH and his sister were teens, because he wanted unfettered attention from his wife, and he wanted his own children to be the only focus. He’s jealous that your husband has his youth, his job, his academic success, his family. And your MIL is worse than useless.

That said, you and DH need to move forward. Your child will be badly treated by this family, and you and your H have a responsibility to ensure that your child is not scapegoated as your H was. You need to have a calm, rational conversation with your H about keeping ILs at arms length. The issue isn’t rightful ownership about feelings, it’s about protecting your child from the same abuse.

I don't know how old your dh is, I can't work it out, but these things can come back to haunt you, even though you say he's acceptedit.

MIL wants to spend time with YOUR son. Not hers.

Her husband is a bullying cunt

You LEFT your baby with them.

Why is that ok with you?!

I can't believe that you considered MIL at all.

She wanted to spend more time with her GS?

So what?

He needs protecting from her & her husband!

I understand you wanting to leave your DH's relationship with his family up to him. That's fine, but I wouldn't give tacit approval to it by going along with it. In other words, I'd say "Darling I simply can't stand to see the way your mother & stepdad treat you. How often you see them is up to you but I am done. From now on you will be seeing them without me". And you can add "and DS" to that if you want!

As far as your DS, exactly what do you think you heard that sounds like 'punch in the face'. Sorry, but I can't think of a thing that sounds like 'punch in the face' that would make any sense at all. But I don't know the context of the remark. Win a big race? Kick over the trace? A rocket to space? Nope. I think you know exactly what you heard and just don't want to believe it. I wouldn't want to either. Because if I heard it, that person wouldn't be permitted near my child again. Which, given the situation, isn't a bad idea.

Families can be pure shit, can't they. Best thing is to come on over here (US) and make your own family once you get here. We're a pretty friendly bunch and most of us are only too happy to scootch on over on the 'family bench' and make room for new members.

Your husband is used to this toxic, dysfunctional, behaviour. He's been the quintessential scapegoat while his brothers have been the golden children. Your husband is unlikely to recognise the sheer toxicity and unhealthy nature of the dynamic, conditioning over so many years often results in such.

He's stuck in the FOG triad (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). He, and you, should read the www.outofthefog.website

The books - "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and "Childhood Disrupted" by Donna Jackson Nazakawa would be useful.

Sadly, your husband needs to come to the realisation that things aren't normal, toxic and dysfunctional by himself, you can attempt to give your view but it is not your responsibility and many who've suffered abusive childhoods resent their partner for pointing things out.

It'd be worth posting on the "Stately Homes" thread in relationships too.

Ask your husband gently if he would rather go home, with no fuss or huge drama. If he says yes, just pack up and leave. He may not feel able to take the initiative himself, but may feel empowered by you showing your support and realising that there is another option apart from just taking this crap. Make an excuse if you need to (husband's work has an emergency only he is qualified to handle, for example). It doesn't really matter because you will never have a healthy relationship with these people and the teenagers will soon be old enough to visit their brother in the US if they want to (and I can almost guarantee they will want to!).

I come from an abusive family and it took me decades to break the patterns. Going along with what the abusers want in the (usually vain) hope that they will like you is normal in situations like this. The urge to belong is a strong one and it can be very hard to let go of. Without blunt but reassuring support from my husband I may never have done it. Your husband has done amazingly well and together you can absolutely have the family life he always wanted, but not with his mother and stepfather.

I wouldn't be able to stand an hour of that let alone a holiday. You don't have to confront if you don't want to but you absolutely have to protect your ds - from now on I would absolutely refuse to spend any time with the stepfather or to have ds around him at all. If your dh wants to subject himself to it that's his loss but your son shouldn't suffer - that absolutely is your choice and you need to make it for him.

OP, your DH needs therapy and I would be looking into helping him get some as soon as you return home. A PP has mentioned FOG and I think your DH is in the middle of it.

Your ILs are a disgrace and I would be having nothing to do with them.

As for the comment the wanker made, that would be enough for me to pack up and leave immediately. No normal, sane person would ever say that even as a joke.

How old is your DH? How old are his step siblings?
Tbh, I think that it would be natural for a step father to favour his own babies over someone else's teenagers. I would see it as your MILs responsibility to ensure that her older children didn't feel excluded. I don't think that the large age gap between siblings helps though. Presumably DH is agrown man and step brothers and sisters are teenagers? The latter will require much more support.

NeverGotMyPuppy "I've tried to say it isnt normal. DH accepts this but he is of the mindset that it doesn't really make any difference so why raise it..." The ongoing acceptance is probably quite harmful for your dh. Can he get some counselling and maybe distance himself from Step dad and mum? He can still stay in touch with family members he wants to. His half siblings will be adults soon, he can see them and see less of his unpleasant step dad.

Your husband sounds like a nice guy. It sounds like you love and care for him dearly. His mum didn’t help him but you can.
I would make it clear, by your words and actions, to his stepdad and mum that you won’t be treated badly and that you will stand up for your husband 100%.

Agree with DontDribbleOnTheCarpet "Ask your husband gently if he would rather go home, with no fuss or huge drama. If he says yes, just pack up and leave."

Tbh, I think that it would be natural for a step father to favour his own babies over someone else's teenagers

Not given the age of the OP's DH when his stepfather entered his life. Even if so, what is going on here is systematic abuse, not favouring.

I understand you are in a difficult situation here OP but I can’t help thinking that by not saying anything you are being complicit with your FIL behaviour.
If what you say is true no reasonable person would think his behaviour and attitude towards your husband and son is acceptable. My view is that either your OH, you, or both of you should try and put a stop to it now.
I hate to see anyone being unfairly treated and I know that even if my husband wasn’t prepared to rock the boat I couldn’t just sit back and let nastiness and threats towards him and my child go unchallenged .You are obviously upset about what you’ve seen and heard and if for no other reason than this you should pull FIL up on his actions. His wife mightn’t be prepared to fight her first born’s corner, but surely you can.
Adding 2 and 2 together to make 5 FIL sounds like a jealous bully. MIL is probably afraid of him but a private word with her wouldn’t go amiss either. To me fear is not a good enough excuse to allow your first born to be treated so unfavourably.
Your husband may be the kindest, cleverest man on earth but this doesn’t mean he has to be accepting of his step fathers attitude. I think the time has come for him to stop just shrugging his shoulders about it
and set the wheels in motion for a full and frank discussion
Unless there is a thawing of FIL’s attitude I think your son should be kept away from his toxic grandparents as much as possible. Once the teenagers have children of their own FIL will make absolutely certain that his place in the pecking order will be right down at the bottom, and if MIL stays true to form she won’t. be willing to do anything to fight his corner for him either.
I understand that your OH loves his mum and wouldn’t want to lose contact with her or his stepbrothers but this doesn’t mean he has to remain in contact with his stepdad. To me this is just another example of people with high academic qualifications having not much common sense. What possible reason can there be for staying in touch with someone who treats you so badly, causes upset to your wife and threatens mistreatment of your son