I am trying not to cry

[NeverGotMyPuppy]

We are in holiday with MIL, DH's stepdad and their 3 teenagers. We are me, DH and DS (a year old).

His stepdad's treatment of the teenagers is so so different to how he treats DH. DH went off the rails as a teenager and it's so obvious why. It's just so upsetting to watch.

Anyone “joke” about punching my baby in the face.... I’d be gathering up my bits, picking up my child and strolling off, whilst googling for alternative accommodation

But it isnt my place is it. Its DH's place. And if he is ok with it then it isnt fair of me to say it. These are my feelings, not his.

Peculiar way of looking at a relationship.

So your feelings mean squat all because they are DH’s family?

And what about your DH’s stance ok your feelings?

Perhaps you could persuade your dh to do some counselling to get his head around how he's been treated?

My main concern, if I were you, would be that this dynamic will continue to your child together and they'll be treated like this. I wouldn't expose the child to it, and you may need to be strong with your dh on it, because it is his norm and he has accepted it, and he may not protect your child from it.

I’d not be going on holiday with such unpleasant, unkind people. Why are you?

Please don't go on holiday with them again!

@Lovemenorca it really isnt. They aren't my relations, they are his. I'd say that was pretty normal.

Could u give me a fucking break please?

I've tried to say it isnt normal. DH accepts this but he is of the mindset that it doesn't really make any difference so why raise it...

Your son is still tiny, but ask your DH whether he’s OK with your son growing up to think being treated like this is OK. I put up with shitty treatment from my Dad and stepmother. Since I had kids, DH and I have worked really hard to ensure they feel loved, cherished and understand they deserve and should expect to be treated well. I realised I couldn’t continue letting my Dad and stepmother treat me badly. I wasn’t modelling the values I was trying to teach my kids. The older they got, the more determined I became to ‘walk the talk.’ Ultimately, we distanced have ourselves from my Dad. Its very sad, but its his loss. My PIL are kind and loving, so my kids aren’t missing out on loving grandparents.

But it isnt my place is it. Its DH's place. And if he is ok with it then it isnt fair of me to say it. These are my feelings, not his.

You need to stand up for your husband, OP. He's internalised this for so long that he's unable to say anything.

But you can see it. And you can - and SHOULD - call things out as you see them.

This is not normal. And you should refuse to be a party to this, much less bring your baby into this charade.

Sounds like your poor DH is living in a cocoon of fog. His family dynamics are seriously messed up, he doesn't have a voice anymore. But you do. It's your life, your baby, your marriage, your holiday. I'd be tempted to get the stepdad on his own and tell him, very calmly, that you heard the punching in the face comment. That you know all about how he treated your dh and his sister, and that you won't be standing for this. He's a bully, they're usually less brave without an audience.

If you're going home in two days I'd ignore and avoid as much as possible. I'd personally then only have low contact to enable your dh to see his brothers. If possible I'd avoid seeing the stepfather at all, especially with your young child. Looking into the visa for the USA sounds like a good idea as well.

Just to add it's very common for people like your dh to marry someone who acts as a buffer between themselves and parents like his. By that I don't mean that's why he married you, of course not. But agreeable, reasonably minded individuals like you can be the buffer without becoming confrontational, thereby opening a can of worms.

Why on earth are you on holiday with them? This is the last time.

US would be a great move to get away from them.

He joked about punching my baby in the face.

Fucking hell.

I know you say it’s not your job to speak up, but it is your job to defend your dh. Reverse the position, you’d want him to stand up for you, surely?

Why do you go on holiday with them?

Omg your poor DH. At the end of the day neither of you need the parents for anything. What’s to lose by letting them know how you and Dh feel, the full and brutal truth then walking away.

I suspect mil is probably very Aware and treading on eggshells, I also suspect the teens have no idea how badly their big brother is treated.

Tell them, walk away.

People, Op has already said she regrets her decision to go on holiday with them. No need to keep on at her.
Op, if’i we’re you, I would be leaving as soon as possible, and never ever go on holiday with these people again. Although I’m pretty sure you won’t anyway. Move to the states, have a lovely life, fuck them.

Op, be true to yourself and your Ds. Authentic in your responses and reactions, you are not your DH.

Yes it is your place to say how you feel, you and your DH are not the same person.

Holy shit.
Low contact so no fallout/drama.
Very clearly these 3 teens are the golden children of the new marriage but it isn’t their fault so I wouldn’t hold it against them.
As for the holiday, can you invent a reason (work emergency?) to leave early?
Quit thinking it will ever change. Don’t expect anything from them re childcare or anything else. Focus on the three of you.

I'd want to keep my DC away from him.

Come to New York. We have scads of UK expats here and a great economy with no brexit to worry about.

Sorry about your terrible FIL.

I think you are misinterpreting things. Your husband has got himself the best education, a good job, a wonderful wife who loves him and a beautiful baby. You have the opportunity to work in one of the richest and most vibrant countries in the world.

Your Father in Law is being a twat because he is a washed out loser, with nothing exciting in the offing and despite his best efforts your husband still sees his mother and his step son is oblivious to his abuse. He’s losing so badly he’s picking on a baby!

Next time he says no one wants to come to the states point out that surely it is every young persons dream to go to the States at some point. Everyone’s welcome!