*trigger warning* Domestic Violence- can I report it without reporting to the police? [pic included]

[reportingtopolice]

I'm a regular poster- fuck off Daily Mail journos.

Me and my husband had a row last night (he was drunk and being sick, I'd been up all night with eldest daughter who had been unwell and I was angry he'd gone out with a friend who has said some nasty things about me recently that husband didn't even attempt to stick up for me on.

He snapped and put his hands round my neck. Our eldest (11) heard me shout and came in to see it happen shouting "get off mum". I drove him to his mum's about two miles away at half three this morning as he was trying to drive himself and I was worried he'd kill someone- he spent the whole drive telling me it was my fault he'd snapped. I will not take him back.

I know I need to report this but I don't want him convicted and I don't want social services intervention (reasons related to my job). Is there anywhere else I can report it to?

A solicitor??? I think though that you can log with police but not press charges. If SS were informed, they would want to see that you have taken steps to show that you have kept your children safe which kicking him out has done. They are there to help you and may be able to offer support as a new single parent.

Report it the Police. Social Services will be informed (rightly so) but are unlikely to even contact you if you have told the Police you have left him.

The above scenario is how it played out for me. Social Services didn't even call me.

Going to the Police shows both your ex and social services (should they find out another way) that you are taking this seriously. It also shows your kids that treating others or being treated like this is unacceptable. As I have a daughter, I found the latter comforting.

Thanks @TheCaddyisaBaddie - I will call 101 in a little while and find out. I will need to speak to a solicitor in any event with regard to separating.

I am unusually calm this morning but I think it's shock.

Thanks @misselphaba - I have two daughters and feel similar but know that he'll be incredibly angry if they arrest him and I think he'd take it out on me by going to 50:50 custody (which wouldn't be in their interest- he wouldn't monitor homework, emotional well-being etc) - I would prefer him to be an EOW Disney Dad for the girls' sake

Honestly I would involve SS. You are protecting your children so SS would be worried about your parenting but you will want to access support for your children and perhaps needs to limit or ensure they are safe if/when they are with their father.

Sorry this has happened op. I would log it with the police just so it's on record.

Yes report and protect. Exactly how is he going to get 50/50 if he acts like this. Your 11 saw she is going to need professional help and support to recover from this and not think of it as normal

He is not your concern they are and they need you to report

Reporting it to the police also protects you and your job as if one of your children mentions it at school ss will get involved anyway.

I work in a school and have been dealing with ss lately as it has come out my ex has been abusing the children. All they want to see is that I am now keeping them safe from him so it hasn't affected my job at all.

Go and see your gp and explain everything you have said on here. Keep the photograph.
Make sure that that the fact that you removed him from your home in order to protect your children is documented in your notes.
IMO, he is much more likely to get 50:50 if you don't tell social services.
Contact Womens Aid. It is condidential and they will give you good advice.

Bloody hell lass.

Yes to shock. Is going to wear off. Make sure you're somewhere safe.

Echo reporting to the police. I can't see that he'd get 50:50 with that on his record.

Sending you a gentle hug and a handhold.

You can’t just log it with the police. It will be recorded as a crime and putting your hands around someone’s neck like that is a high risk indicator. So chances are the police will want to see you and take a statement. You can refuse if course but it will still be recorded as a crime.

The police can also proceed with a case, arrest etc and go to court, without your consent. It is probably unlikely for just a one off report but all forces are different and they could.

There will also need to inform social services.

I think it needs reporting and progressed. I’m sorry you have had to go through this.

He won't get 50/50. Absolutely no way will he. In fact there's a chance that initially he'll only get supervised contact until he can prove he's not a risk.

Please go to the police, OP. Apart from anything else, if he does act vindictively during divorce proceedings this will be on record. And if you need legal aid, proof of DV will help you to get it.

Good luck and I'm so sorry this has happened to you

Come on now. If your jobs somehow connected to social services you know the outcomes of such situations. You need to keep your children and yourself safe. Tour poor 11 year old, do not let this be their life. I hope you are on the mend

This happened to me and I logged with police but didn’t press charges. He wasn’t arrested. But it was a very important wake-up call for him.
We had recently split up so SS were not involved.
Good luck OP

This needs to be reported to the police. Your DDs have witnessed the assault, and as such will need support. The police will automatically record this incident and SS plus your DDs school will be notified. There will probably be a strategy meeting to decide what actions to take. As he is not in the marital home, there will be less need for ongoing SS involvement. Your DDs will be interviewed by SS, and possibly the police as one was a visual witness.
If you fail to report it and one of your DDs mentions it when they return to school, all of the above will still happen but there may be much more involvement with SS as you will be deemed to have failed to protect them.

You need to report this to the police and SS. Put bluntly you need all the evidence and support you can get if you are going to attempt to avoid 50/50 child arrangement.
You also don't want either DD mentioning it at school and the incident not already being reported. You have a chance to make it very clear today that DV is unacceptable and you will not tolerate it.
I expect this was an escalation of behaviour.

If you don't report it you'll make everything to come so much harder for yourself. It's the easiest way to get where you and the kids need to be.

💐 good luck

You MUST report this to the police OP. As others have said, your DDs need protecting and showing this is a crime and not acceptable. SS will be informed, but as you've removed the man from the house, this will show them you are protecting them.

No way will he get 50/50 care of the DD.

Thank you for all your messages of support and advice. I know deep down what I have to do but the fallout is going to be massive and I'm dreading it. We're a 'nice' family and this will split our friends and family; my MIL has just been diagnosed with breast cancer and doesn't deserve this landing on her doorstep, my grandad died last week so my mum could do without supporting her grown up daughter right now, my best friend had a baby three days ago so I can't speak to her right now and burst her happy bubble

I hope you take the good advice you've been offered. I really think you're going to have to bite the bullet and report. This will ensure SS see that you're the responsible parent and aid you in your desire to protect your DC in the upcoming divorce.

Please take this attack very seriously. Hands round your neck are often the precursor to deadly violence.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, op. Please ring the police and don't let him anywhere near you again.

Your situation reminds me of a thread from a few months ago, full if very good advice.

[https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3575915-I-have-to-leave-him-dont-I?pg=1&order=]

The op rang the police and he was arrested, and ss told her she did the right thing.

Going for the throat is statistically linked to murder. Please be careful and take this incident seriously.

Sorry this has happened op. I would log it with the police just so it's on record.

You can’t just log a criminal offence with the police, they are legally bound to investigate criminal activity and where you live will govern what that looks like. Where I am it’s likely he would be arrested and have bail conditions that prevented him having any direct contact with you.

Police are also legally bound to refer any violent incident involving children to social services who will as absolute minimum want to talk to you about what happened and how your children will be kept safe. If you talk to your GP, I’d expect them to refer the child protection part to social services.

If your child mentions it at school they too would refer to the social services.

I’m sorry this has happened, and know you’ll be in shock, but these agencies work together for good reason, and can help you protect yourself and your children.

Oh OP. You can talk to your friends and family, despite what they are all experiencing right now, the last thing they would want is for you to be alone.
You said your DD saw, how is she? I understand your reticence to report but I also think it’s imperative you do so, not just for you but the sake of your daughters. He has a violent streak, people are creatures of habit, I seriously doubt this will be a one off. The police need to be informed. (On a side note: take more pictures of any marks he left on you, and keep the photos)

Sending you love and best wishes

I think you need to show your 11 year old DD what to do after someone is violent towards you. She needs to see that it's a crime, it's unacceptable, you get rid of that person, you report the crime.

Try to imagine your dd as an adult finds herself in this situation, the victim of assault, what advice would you give her? Then whatever that is, do that. She will learn from you.

Sorry this happened