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Original poster

*trigger warning* Domestic Violence- can I report it without reporting to the police? [pic included]

80 replies

reportingtopolice · 18/08/2019 07:18

I'm a regular poster- fuck off Daily Mail journos.

Me and my husband had a row last night (he was drunk and being sick, I'd been up all night with eldest daughter who had been unwell and I was angry he'd gone out with a friend who has said some nasty things about me recently that husband didn't even attempt to stick up for me on.

He snapped and put his hands round my neck. Our eldest (11) heard me shout and came in to see it happen shouting "get off mum". I drove him to his mum's about two miles away at half three this morning as he was trying to drive himself and I was worried he'd kill someone- he spent the whole drive telling me it was my fault he'd snapped. I will not take him back.

I know I need to report this but I don't want him convicted and I don't want social services intervention (reasons related to my job). Is there anywhere else I can report it to?

*trigger warning* Domestic Violence- can I report it without reporting to the police? [pic included]
OP posts:
Original poster
reportingtopolice · 18/08/2019 08:33

Police will be coming to take a statement shortly so I'm going to get showered and dressed. I've called my mum who will come and take the kids to the park for me while they are here. I'm not sure if they'll need my eldest to make a statement - I'd rather not as she's still not 100% today from being ill and she's very tearful about what happened.

Thank you for all your kind words. I never imagined it would be me making one of these posts. You are right that if I don't report it it could have a bigger impact on my job- which I know- and I can't afford to lose my job too.

OP posts:
Chocrichtea · 18/08/2019 08:37

OP don't make excuses based on what other family and friends are going through atm. You matter too and are going through something massive. You didn't ask for this but you can make it right by reporting.
I witnessed my dad put his hands around.my mum's neck when I was 9 at the time I only knew 1 phone number so called family friends and they calmed it down. My parents are still together now and I've witnessed more violence growing up. Don't put your daughters through that. I always remember that night and it terrified me. Protect your daughters unlike my mum did.

GeriAtric · 18/08/2019 08:44

I hear what you're saying about his mum not needing this at the moment and your mum not needing to support her daughter however he did this, not you. Whatever happens now is because of him. Please don't shoulder the blame for the repercussions. He chose to be violent towards you. He's tearing the family apart. I agree that it's important for your children, particularly dd who witnessed it, to see what needs to happen following an incident of domestic abuse. So many women try to paint over the cracks for the sake of the family when they're not to blame at all.

A pp mentioned that your dd may need professional support; that may be something that the police can signpost you to.

Good luck with the statement. And remember, whatever happens is not your doing.

WhenWillItBeCold · 18/08/2019 08:46

@jellycatspyjamas I know it will be investigated, obviously !

Your doing the right thing op.

BenWillbondsPants · 18/08/2019 09:16

Oh OP. 😢 You are absolutely doing the right thing by reporting this, you had no option.

I also agree with others - no way will he get 50/50 now that you have reported this. You will not lose your job, you have done nothing wrong.

misselphaba · 18/08/2019 09:40

Well done for moving things forward. This is the hardest bit. Things get easier once you've got the official bits out of the way and you can concentrate on the children and yourself.

The wonderful women of Mumsnet were an absolute godsend for me when it happened so please carry on using this space. I had so much useful advice (legal and otherwise) as well as the emotional support of telling others and they thbe posting their experiences.

Stay strong.

yellowallpaper · 18/08/2019 10:11

GP?

cricketmum84 · 18/08/2019 10:14

Stop protecting him and report it to the police. You are not protecting your children by minimising this and brushing it under the carpet.

SS are not the enemy, they are there to help.

How would you feel if he lost his temper with one of the girls next time???

0pheIiaBaIIs · 18/08/2019 10:15

@cricketmum84 read the thread - OP is in the process of doing so. She's also ended the relationship so hardly 'brushing it under the carpet'.

cricketmum84 · 18/08/2019 10:18

Yes just seen latest update @0pheIiaBaIIs

OP - you are 100% doing the right thing.

Do stop worrying about how wider family will deal with it though, you and those kids need to be your only concern right now Thanks

MohairMenace · 18/08/2019 10:28

Well done, making him leave and calling the police is outstanding parenting under incredibly difficult circumstances.

MamaOfBothTeams · 18/08/2019 10:43

Well done op Thanks

That must've been horrible for you and your daughter but you're doing the right thing by reporting it

GeriAtric · 18/08/2019 10:49

I also want to thank you for driving him to his mother's even though spending that extra time with him must have been difficult for you. He could have ruined even more lives had he attempted to drive himself there.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/08/2019 10:52

So glad you've decided to report. It's so important for the future and it's exactly the message you want to be transmitting to your DD. Not reporting would set her a terrible example.

Don't worry about the effect on the people around you. There's never going to be a good time to break this sort of news. Anyone who loves you will be horrified on your behalf and want to rally round. And of course you didn't cause any of this. He did.

Hoppinggreen · 18/08/2019 10:58

Well done OP
A friend of mine was assaulted by her husband and didnt report it as she is a teacher. Unfortunately her 12 year old daughter witnessed it and told her teacher ( different school). The school involved safeguarding as the Dd was hurt as she tried to intervene and they involved SS who had to speak to my friends employer
It was all a mess but would have been far better if my friend hadn’t tried to hide it in the first place. They are back together now unfortunately, which is a whole different story

FireBloodAndIce · 18/08/2019 11:05

Good luck OP. Remember he did this, he caused this, you are absolutely right to protect yourself and your dc.

Freddiefox · 18/08/2019 11:09

Similar happened to me, but a neighbour called the police. The police asked if he had been hit me, I said yes.

Police arrested him, I didn’t press charges. The police understood this, ( I should have but I was trying to limit the damage and was worries that I was to blame Hmm as that’s what he’s fed me to believe) the police carried out a risk assessment, they asked if I wanted him back at the house which I didn’t. So they police took him to court and put a DVPO on the house meaning he couldn’t return for 21 days.

It gave me time to think and breath. I left the house within those 21 days.

We were referred to SS, who called me and were great. Due to my job lots of people had to be told - they were all great. SS didn’t contact me again.

Ex always said he’d go for 50/50’ but so far (probably predictably) he hasn’t.

It was a horrible time, but now I’m out the other end I would hug the person who called the police if I knew who they were.

Freddiefox · 18/08/2019 11:10

Good luck, use this opportunity to get him away from you.

Dowser · 18/08/2019 12:05

But they do Mrs Mozart

can't see that he'd get 50:50 with that on his record.

The whole system is a mess. These men have even got residency.
There’s a big protest taking place in Parliament square London on October 26 at 12 noon about the injustice meted out in family courts OP
I can understand your reluctance to get the professional involved op..but you do need to log your evidence somewhere.
Have a look at
the court said on fb

Or see if there’s a representative in your area

*trigger warning* Domestic Violence- can I report it without reporting to the police? [pic included]
*trigger warning* Domestic Violence- can I report it without reporting to the police? [pic included]
Dowser · 18/08/2019 12:09

These are all good women who have been through it

CodenameVillanelle · 18/08/2019 12:13

You've absolutely done the right thing. You need police and social services reports to safeguard you and the children going forward and you will have no legal back up at all if you don't get that.
The hard part is just starting and it's fucking unfair that you have to shoulder it but you do. You have a virtual army behind you here Flowers

howdyalikemenow · 18/08/2019 13:08

I had to call the police when I was 11 OP, because my stepfather was smashing my mum's head against their bedroom wall. It's terrifying and I have had ptsd attacks since. I'm 50 now.

My mother didn't leave him FOR YEARS. In those days police couldn't/wouldn't press charges in domestic violence cases unless the victim agreed so I had to live with this shit for years until I left him at 17. It does UNTOLD damage.

I'm glad you've chucked him out and that you're speaking to police but please, please don't waver because you're worried about family 'fall out' or your job. Your job won't penalise YOU because your husband assaulted you.

Social services want to protect and safeguard your children and you need to keep that in the forefront of your mind every time you feel like wobbling.

Wishing you strength. Thanks

Original poster
reportingtopolice · 18/08/2019 13:24

Thank you all. The police still haven't arrived but I've managed to get some sleep and the kids are with my mum who's made me some lunch and spoken with MIL (they are friends) who is disgusted with him. He is apparently still comatose on her sofa reeling of booze.

My work will almost certainly be contacted once social services are aware which means my boss will know. I'm not worried about the impact on my job but am embarrassed. My DD starts senior school in 2 weeks and this will be the first her teachers know of her which is mortifying.

The kids are not in any harm and I've packed up enough stuff to last him a couple of weeks this morning that my mum will drop to MILs so there is no reason for him to return to the house apart from picking his car up.

What a mess.

OP posts:
hormonesorDHbeingadick · 18/08/2019 13:27

Remember it will only be selected teacher who know so safeguarding lead and maybe head of year and form tutor. It won’t be made general knowledge.

howdyalikemenow · 18/08/2019 13:38

Please don't be embarrassed op. You've done nothing wrong.

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