Kids bedtimes, no adult down time

[OhDearWhyAmIFatterly]

I'm hoping parents with older kids can help me with this....
We have 3 children 6, 10 and 13. Obviously it's the summer holidays so bedtimes have slid a bit but I'm struggling as we are just not getting any down time with no kids in the evening!!!
I know we have kids and that's part and parcel but I need some time!
I'm dreading back to school and all the battles.
We get up early for the school childcare drop off, and are out of the house bu 7.15. Home by 6.
I just need a period of uninterrupted TV time in the evening after super stressful day at work....
Is it reasonable to say to older kids they have to be in their rooms by a certain time even if not asleep??
Even if we try to send them up to watch TV or read the constantly come back down for drinks or whatever so I can't watch anything!!
Are we destined to only watch family friendly TV and then go to bed for the next 5 years???
I miss 7pm bedtimes!!!!
Please tell me your routines.....

We don't have TVs or phones in bedrooms and that goes for DH and I too, the children (eldest 14) understand that it's bad for sleep quality and quantity and are scathing about their peers who send messages in the early hours.

However the over 11s have free use of their phones from 8am til 8pm, and 9pm in the holidays.

The secondary age DC have gaming PCs in their bedrooms but with remotely controlled access times (DH is a programmer) and they can't use them after 8pm.

We are all up by 6am in term time so even the 14 year old is upstairs for 8:30pm, DH and I go up at 10pm.

In the long holidays though the younger 2 (9 and 12) both go to bed at 9:30pm - they have a bedtime because they won't lie in long enough to compensate for going to bed any later than 9:30pm. They're asleep by 10pm and not allowed to go downstairs or do anything except go to the toilet and read in bed before 7am. Eldest doesn't have a holiday bedtim because she's the only one who will lie in past 7am in the morning so can still get enough sleep, but she almost always chooses to goes to bed when her younger siblings do and reads.

If we're working the next day we go to bed at 10pm so don't really get adult only time, though TV is adult choice (family friendly but not kids choice) after 7pm. We watch things not suitable for smaller children with the 14 year old if she chooses to stay up after 9:30pm (15 rating type stuff, not 18) but have only been doing so this holiday, didn't before that.

There are totally unsuitable things we like to watch but have to save for non work nights when DH and I can stay up past 10pm because we can lie in past 6am the next day!

You do have to adjust slowly, you can't reasonably send a 17 year old to bed at 9pm when they have the following day off, and that age will roll around very soon...

An alternative of course is to have a TV in your own adult bedroom, but we're resisting anyone having TVs in bedrooms - much less hypocritical to have the same rule for everyone IMO and having a TV in our room would set a poor example of good sleep hygiene.

OhDearWhyAmIFatterly forcing children to read isn't a good idea. I read to mine (despite them being perfectly good at reading) until they voluntarily choose to start reading a lot by themselves instead. I read to Dc1 every night until she was 13, she did read a bit when younger but not every day. She only really took off with devouring novels at 13, but when she did she couldn't get enough of DH and my shelves of books, which she loves to discuss with us.

Reading age appropriate books to children right through to young teens builds their vocabulary and creativity and gives you a chance to discuss issues the books throw up and explain new vocabulary (sparingly, not to disrupt the story). I still read to my 9 and 12 year olds and if offered a choice between staying up later without a story or going to bed punctuality and me reading a story they always, always choose to go to bed and listen to the story. I work away occasionally and have to phone at bedtime and read over the phone!

Try reading to them if they protest against reading - it shouldn't be forced or they'll never see it as pleasure and read voluntarily!

It's so different now they are teens.

I'm probably more relaxed about what I let our DC watch with us than some as I'm a firm believer in discussion about a programme with parents at the time being better than peer discussion the day after with little knowledge, hearsay etc.

Love Island a good eg with my daughter. I don't want her hearing her friends discussing it inappropriately- I'd rather we watched it together so we can talk through the issues (eg gaslighting) as they arise.

Our 15 yo recently watched Chernobyl with us and the questions he asked created such rich discussion around not just the expected eg communism but also more detailed minutiae like office politics and backstabbing. Stuff we probably would never think to talk about it we hadn't seen an example of it together watching telly.

As teens, they like their own space and are in their rooms most of the time when they aren't out of the house , so for us it's a treat when they deign us with their presence!

Mine haven't got the hang of wanting to hang out in their rooms in the daytime or evening yet though - sometimes it feels as though we all live in one room... When I'm at work they send me videos of themselves and they're always all together! DC1 (14) complains about her little brothers but actually always stays in the same room as them. I think possibly my kids are actually a litter of puppies...

"OhDearWhyAmIFatterly forcing children to read isn't a good idea"
I get this, but I have literally tried everything, I have bought them what ever books they want, library trips, you name it. Ultimately though, they have to be able to sustain concentration for a period and be able to read a text to be able to analyse it for secondary school. 30 mins a day is nothing, and they get to game watch you tube ect for all their other free time. So I get your point about forci g the issue but I'm sorry, they just need to do it.
We are also teachers so having DC that hate reading is REALLY hard

You can send a 13 year old to bed!

My dd's are 13 &11. They both go upstairs at 8 on a school night and they can read or do whatever quietly in their own rooms. No electronics or tv.

This has always been the routine and we'll stick to it as much as we can.

During the holidays this time slips and we often find we're all going to bed at the same time 9:30/10.

God I must've been the most laid back parent ever. Once they became teens they could either stay in their room watching tv or come down and watch with us.

I never wanted to make young adults feel like they should be banished to their rooms, its their living room as much as it is ours.

A 13 year old sent to bed at 8pm?! I find that really really odd (and I know it’s very unusual as I work in a secondary school and have heard the whole range of bedtimes that teens are given by parents, from 9ish to midnight and beyond (the latter being ridiculous, clearly, and has a terrible effect on their school performance and behaviour). It’s the first time I’ve heard of a 13 year old being sent to their room as early as 8pm.

sUnless you are all up at 6am of course. During school term time mine (15 & 13) get up at 7.15. Both seem to need about 9 hours sleep, so lights off at 10pm is fine, they are asleep within 20 mins. I usually send them to get ready for bed at 9.30. I couldn’t imaging sending them up at 8pm! Sometimes we are only just finishing dinner then! Sometimes DH is only just getting in from work then!

@CurlyhairedAssassin - yes, absolutely. As soon as they are old enough to enjoy watching what we watch they can/ They're not banned from the room. They are banned from interrupting every five seconds to ask to be waited on hand and foot when I need to unwind. Very happy to unwind with DC in the room now they are teens.

Merci, I don’t think I would call it laidback, that is just what we do in our house, and I think a lot of (most) people do. I sometimes wonder if it’s younger parents who are enforcing these (to me) old-fashioned rules, a la Downton Abbey, sending the children off with nanny after the adults have had enough. It always makes me think of the phrases “me time” and “date night” on social media, both of which I can’t stand....

Curly it's quite bizarre isn't it.

Generally speaking when your kids hit their teens it all changes. Want a date night that phrase gives me the willies then go to the pub or book a table at a restaurant. Don't send your teens to bed unless you want them to feel awkward about not being able to chat about what dross they watched on the tv the night before.

I also didn't remove their phones before bed because they'd be in their WhatsApp chats with their mates.

Here on a week day it's lights out at ten when we go to bed, weekends they can stay up later and we'll toddle off to bed earlier.

17, 13, 7, 4 year olds here.
In our house my losers DS's love being upstairs (their PlayStation is up there anyway) so they only pop down for drinks/food and rarely sit with us to watch TV anyway. They also go out quite a lot in the evenings too!
Our younger DS's are upstairs with a DVD/books/wind down time at 7.30pm ish (maybe 8 in hols) and we tell them it's grown up TV time. If they do come down, which does happen most nights we just pause TV and send them up again.

Will go back and read the full thread in a minute but my husband and I were saying the same thing today. Ours are 7 and 11 and they are not in bed asleep until 9-9.30 at the moment due to summer holidays. Then it kind of goes round in a circle as they go to bed late so then they are up late and as breakfast is late, it carries on. Think we are just going to have to get up normal time one day to get back into a routine. We get about half an hour to chill before we need to go up to bed too. Roll on September (in some ways!)

What do you think they are watching in you tube? Bet it’s more unsuitable than Waking the dead!!

Anyway, you need to get firm. Bed 8:50, my programs on at 9, and I’m not moving!!

Do not interrupt me unless someone is dying’ night

I do this and it does work, eventually

Mine are 7, 8 and 9 plus a 9 month old baby. I aim to have them all in bed for 8:30 latest, that doesn’t mean they’re all asleep by then but generally they are sparko by 9pm.

Teeth, wee, book, sleep is the general routine. They have a bath every other night usually but it’s not massively entwined in the bedtime routine anymore.

The other thing that I don’t think some people consider is that once your youngest is about 13, you and your other half can get your “couple time” during the day if you want. There is nothing stopping you and other half going for a weekend afternoon walk without the kids, or for a mooch round the shops together, or a bit of lunch somewhere. I just think it’s sad that if you ARE all at home in the evening, sending them to their room Cos you and DH want to be together on your own, is really quite mean once they get past the stage of needing to be fast asleep by about 8pm.

Admittedly, where there are large age gaps between children, going out as a couple during the day may be more difficult, but once the oldest becomes capable of babysitting the youngest eg age 15 and 11, say, for a couple of hours in an afternoon, then I think it’s quite doable.

There is just a bit of a transition from the stage where you have them settled in bed as small children by 8pm so you can sit down with a sigh and watch your programmes in peace, and them staying up later than you! Having teens around with you in the evening can be lovely, you know! It’s just the awkward stage before that where parenting still very much feels draining and that you are “on” all the time so need to switch off, but they certainly don’t need to be asleep by 8pm anymore. It does gradually change over time so that suddenly you realise that you don’t mind them wanting to watch the same programmes that you like, and before you know it you are recording programmes and asking them “DS1, shall we watch this together?” (Stranger Things being one example, DH wouldn’t be interested!). Itms lovely having a shared interest in particular TV programmes with your teen children.

It’s such a shame if parents stick rigidly to the idea of “couple time” every night by banishing 13+ year olds to their rooms. They are missing out on a wonderful and enjoyable part of parenting.

@whattodowith, I didn’t think the thread was about bedtimes with young children. . Yours are obviously at an age where the best thing for everyone is for them to get an adequate amount of sleep. Your routine and bedtimes sound perfect for their ages.

Oh, and there is no way I would be waiting on my teens hand and foot all evening! Get them “trained”! . DS1 (15) is an excellent barista, and will make US a lovely coffee quite happily while we are all watching telly together. maybe he wouldn’t feel so inclined if he felt he had to stay in his room out the way?

We have Fridays and Sundays as adult only time early on. For Fridays the DC see it as a treat, they go up at 7 for TV time and have yummy snacks and drinks and get to stay up until 9 (they are 8 and 11). Sundays it's more about getting ready for school (in term time obviously) and they go up for showers and then a quick show before reading and lights out for 8.30.

Saturdays they stay up late with us and we watch a movie or show they like or sometimes we go out or like tonight we will be having a BBQ shortly then play card games in the garden until late. We will probably have smores as it gets dark over the fire pit.

The other nights are a mix of time with us and then quiet time in bed reading.

So far it works well for us.

Welcome to parenting teenagers, no privacy at all ! I am very much a creature of routine but once they get to about 14 it is very hard to be so prescriptive , for example a play rehearsal at school will often finish at 8pm or later , scouts around here finished at 9.00pm .

I also agree that the older ones will often bring up things they want to talk about once the younger ones are in bed and we are mooching in the kitchen . I have very long age gaps, at one point 16, 12 and 8 and it seems a very long time since we had child free evenings ( the youngest is 17) . Homework often takes 2-3 hours for a start once they hit year 9 .

Now I am struggling with no one being at home In The evenings. I miss the banter the shared TV and the chats about the day .

It's not that I don't like or want to spend time with my children.
And it's not that I want 'couple time' with DH either.
I just need a wind down! Time to chill and enjoy a programme I have chosen that I don't have to check doesn't have anything too adult. It's not even the walking dead thats unsuitable. Simple ITV dramas all ways seem to have some horrible abuse storyline!!! I should also add that I have a very demanding child centred job so that might have some thi g to do with needing a bit of peace....

It probably depends on the child. I think 'banning' teenagers from coming downstairs after a certain time is a bit ridiculous but when I was that age I would have just come downstairs, grabbed a snack and gone back up again. If your kids are prone to hanging around and 'annoying' you then I suppose I can see your point.

My DD (12) is a natural night owl like DH. I am not! In term time, we make sure she gets to bed earlier but in the holidays she reverts back to her natural body clock and I am frequently going to bed before her.

There are some things I won't watch with her around but most things I watch with her. For the things I won't watch, I record and watch on my day off or when she is out with friends at the weekend.

I don’t know, my job is child centred too, my youngest has been in the school next to mine for the last 3 years, I’ve had a 45 second solo ‘commute’ and this September I lose even that!!
But still, my kids aren’t fussy, we’ve had friends round for dinner this evening and they ate, made conversation and then scarpered.
I do get it, that noisy relentless of children, it’s annoying when you’re not in the right frame of mind! But there comes a point when you just have to accept that they are growing up - that’s what they’re doing.
I go out now when I want adult time. Or go to my bedroom in the evening if i want breathing space.
I honestly believe this is part of the bit people say when they remark “it gets harder when they get older,” because it is hard. They want you more as they grow up I think.
And you just have to be there. Those times when they come and get a drink etc are sometimes the occasions when my teens disclose more than they did at dinner, or on the drive home from their friends house.

OK so I am quite literally losing my mind. It is now 10.20pm. All 3 are finally in bed.
I don't understand HOW to get them up without having to get involved in everything!!!!!
I went into them to say to dc2 to have shower then go up to bed, (they were in the front room watching a YouTube programme) then 30 mins later I go in to tell dc1 to shower and bed
I can't relax as the 1st one needs tucking in and fan sorting and then the alexa on to play their story, then by the time I've done all that I have to repeat it for dc1!!!!!
They say they want tucking in but they don't let me give them a bloody kiss or cuddle it's bloody ridiculous.
I havnt sat down all day, now I've got to go To bed as I've got work on the morning.

Ease can someone spell out how what to do because I'm losing it here