Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DH forgot to pick up DS from holiday club...

123 replies

FreedomFidgit · 16/08/2019 19:19

So I have been suffering from a sore back all week and managed to get a massage booked in for this afternoon - as I left the last thing I said was ‘Don’t forget to pick DS up’...and he still forgot.

I got home to a missed call from the club, and when I called them back DH had just arrived over 20 minutes late.

DH has been working 100+ hour weeks, and everything falls to me - I feel very put upon, am knackered and this week have been exceptionally sore.

As he came in I said ‘No harm done, but what was the last thing I said to you before I left’. Cue him having a massive strop about me ‘having a go’.

One word has bothered another as I was all set to just leave it, but the comment about me ‘having a go’ sent me over the edge, and he got it with both barrels....he’s now hiding out in his office upstairs!

Have no one to talk to IRL, guess I just wanted to vent a bit!

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 16/08/2019 21:49

As usual, many people are ignoring the bigger picture.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 16/08/2019 21:49

If it were my DH I would sit down with him quietly and tell him you would like to make plans for his funeral. Your DH having a heart attack. he will be well on the way to another one if he doesn't ease up on his work hours. Not meant to scare you OP, hopefully a conversation such as this could be an eye opener for him? Worked in nursing field many years. See it all to often. I hope he can ease his work schedule and I hope you feel better soon with your back!

Lindy2 · 16/08/2019 21:50

My DH did some 60 hour weeks a while ago. It nearly broke us. We were both exhausted. He was at work 12 hours a day. I did absolutely everything else plus a full time, normal hours, job.
He no longer works there and we are all much happier.
100 hours per week is not sustainable.
Not picking up your DS on time isn't great but it's not the main problem here.
Also, I understand you're in pain but if it was the other way round I think I'd be pretty pissed off to have to be the one collecting DS after working so long because my husband went to get a massage at that particular time.

DonnaDarko · 16/08/2019 21:53

Do you both work that standard work week or something? Anything like massages could be booked for the weekend so your hardworking OH doesnt have to think about additional duties.

His hours sound herrendous. If that was my DP I wouldn't be booking anything that would give him extra "work" to do.

Also I read your posts and saw about the heart attack. His working all those hours aren't doing him a favour. I think you should cut him some slack. How you would you feel if you were doing over double your normal working hours ....

PerspicaciaTick · 16/08/2019 21:59

20 minutes late. Not forgotten. Just late. FFS.

TheBigFatMermaid · 16/08/2019 22:08

HE is working 100 hour weeks, yet everything falls to you!!!

Seriously, working those hours, I'm amazed picking DS up was even an option!

Maybe you could work 50 hours and he could cut down to the same and you could share the work at home 50/50 too.

TwoPencePenny · 16/08/2019 22:09

I’m trying to imagine it the other way round
‘I’ve been working 100 hour weeks, my husband told me to collect the DC while he had a massage. I was 20 mins late and he started having a go’

I think my response would be LTB.

So yes, I think you’re being out of order.

It’s tough having children with someone who works a lot, really hard, so you have my upmost sympathy there. But being the one doing the work? You said yourself he’s stressed about cuts, he’s doing 100 hrs a week and he recently had a heart attack.. he sounds like he’s got a lot of stress too and it’s really not a big deal. I’ve done similar.

You both must be exhausted, no one is rational when they’re exhausted. I hope things improve for you Flowers

TheStakeIsNotThePower · 16/08/2019 22:12

Sounds like you are all pretty stressed. The forgetting is just something that happens, humans fail at times. Been there, done that. Been the forgotten child too!

HobbyIsCodeForDogging · 16/08/2019 22:24

You were out of order to berate him OP. Could you really not have resisted adding the "what was the last thing I told you"?? What you did was really petty. He didn't forget your DC, he was 20 minutes late.

Banangana · 16/08/2019 22:34

Frankly I would lose respect for someone who was such a pushover at work.

It's not very attractive is it

If you work 100 hours a week in your big shot job I wouldn't want to be married to you

Gosh, someone has a very high opinion of themself. I'm sure the OP's husband and the user you were replying to will be absolutely devastated when they find out that mumsnet user AnotherEmma thinks they sound unattractive.

AnotherEmma · 16/08/2019 22:54

Sure, quote all that and ignore all the other supportive and thoughtful things I said.

I stand by it all, people might not agree with me and people might have different priorities in their own lives, but personally I do not want to work such long hours, I do not want a partner who works long such long hours, and I value assertiveness - not someone who is so afraid to say no that they damage their health and neglect their family.

For being honest about that I've been accused of being a troll, being arrogant, and more.

Anyway, it's not about me is it. OP, i wish you and your husband well. I hope he can see sense and reduce his hours. Flowers

dustarr73 · 16/08/2019 23:44

Ibet the op wont come back.Cause the thread didnt go in her favour.

Im a sahm and i have been late on occasion.Shit happens.
And No harm done, but what was the last thing I said to you before I left’

That sounds like you where talking to a teenager.Its not sustainable,something has to give.

LovePoppy · 17/08/2019 03:21

So your husband is working 100hrs a week,you works full time job , and are presumably doing all childcare/house care/cooking/mental load.

You both sound burnt out.

ToLiveInPeace · 17/08/2019 06:30

I've been working long hours for several years and it has seriously addled my short-term memory (and word recall and concentration and...) when I'm not on-task. If I worked 100 hours a week, I'd be utterly broken.

Oh, and I'm female. My long hours do affect DH but I'm the breadwinner so it can't be helped. I work in local government and after years of austerity, there's more work than ever and fewer staff. If our dept doesn't perform well, it only justifies further cuts. Sorry if that means I should lose all self-respect for being such a pushover.

Someone once told me that there are always alternatives, however unpalatable. I'm struggling to find those, as I have a very niche career (and for various other reasons that stop me moving on) but maybe OP's DH needs to think about other options. I hope there are better times ahead for you both.

allthegins · 17/08/2019 06:37

You were out of order. You’d be annoyed at working all those hours and your DH saying ‘what’s the last thing I said’ to you. Without a doubt and there’d be cries of LTB thrown in on here.

SockMachine · 17/08/2019 06:47

You need to sit down and talk about this constructively.
Letting it escalate from ‘transgression’ to ‘telling him he transgressed ‘ to ‘retaliation’ to ‘both barrels ‘ to lack of communication in separate rooms probably in seething resentment isn’t moving forwards.

Talk about the strain you are all under and how it is causing tension, need to work together for the family and relationship , and work life balance.

Horehound · 17/08/2019 06:54

Even if he worked "normal" hours I think it's a bit mean to explode at him. He hardly did it on purpose!

ohshitdidntseethat · 17/08/2019 07:11

So you work full time and do all the childcare but are supposed to cut him some slack because he can't say no at work? Right.

PavlovaFaith · 17/08/2019 07:12

Christ people are actually saying "diddums" for him working 100+ hours per week. I clocked 98 hours in one week and I had to work day and night to achieve that. At the end of that utter nightmare week I ended up with the flu. Cut the guy some slack OP or you'll find him swinging from a bloody rafter. He was 20 minutes late, I have parents who don't work AT ALL who appear half an hour late to pick up their kids from school most days.

AnotherEmma · 17/08/2019 07:14

"So you work full time and do all the childcare but are supposed to cut him some slack because he can't say no at work? Right."

Yep

R44Me · 17/08/2019 07:22

He does something wrong so I say something about it, calmly

This was in an early post.

Hahaha. Yes, I LOVE it if things go tits up and my DH very calmly tells me what I've done wrong.

How pa - someone fucks up, they are furious with themselves and little miss organised and efficient points out (calmly and nicely) where they've gone wrong.
DH has been known to do this and he gets the most furious response imaginable from me.
If it's a one off you should remind the person picking up.

StreetwiseHercules · 17/08/2019 07:23

He can’t have actually “forgot” if he was only 20 minutes late. He was probably just running late due to the pressures on him. It happens and if it happened to you you would expect sympathy and understanding rather than criticism or “I told you”.

I can understand why he flipped out at you criticising him for it TBH. I never criticise my wife at all or make anything of it at all if she makes a mistake.

Often though she feels that it is helpful or useful to criticise me or her very small things. It’s like she just can’t hold it in. I get really snappy now every time.

I have come to the point in my life where I don’t want to take criticism from anyone because I don’t criticise anyone else. If I burn the house down or shit the bed, fine I’ll take it, but other than than, not any more.

Frazzled2207 · 17/08/2019 07:29

You need to speak to him about his plan to cut his hours- sounds like finding another job is the best plan.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 17/08/2019 08:00

We need to stop praising men who work ridiculous hours each week when they have children. It is not a good thing and not acceptable in a co-parent. It's not like both parents can do it is it?

That's why so many mums still don't go for promotion, don't network as much and plan their leave around whether their children may have sick days. I recently took a job a grade lower due to not having the option of working late every night, which is not a concern for DH.

AnotherEmma · 17/08/2019 08:06

Well said 👏