Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Am I being an idiot going to meet this man?

109 replies

fairgame84 · 16/08/2019 12:57

I went on holiday to Tunisia in May. Met a lovely waiter at the hotel and I asked him out on a date. We went for a coffee, had a kiss and nothing more.
Since then we have video called every day. He seems genuinely lovely and I'm due to go back next month to spend a week with him. Except I'm getting cold feet.

He is 10 years younger than me and wants a ltr with marriage and children. I'm mid thirties and have a teenager, I don't know if I want to start a family all over again. I'm settled with my career and happy.
I've heard and read all the horror stories about being used for visas etc so I'm aware that he might not be genuine. He hasn't asked me for money and I would never give him any.

My friends have warned me not to go due to safety concerns.
When I write it all down it seems so stupid to go but then he could be one of the few blokes that is genuine.

Do I just go and see how things go or do I cancel my flights and bin him off?

OP posts:

Bookworm4 · 16/08/2019 20:44

I always think in these cases the person should ask themselves ‘would you date a 25 yr old waiter at home?’ ‘Would a 25 yr old ask you out?’ If it’s no and no, don’t do it.
Same with the old guys at 65 meet a 25yr old Philippine girl and claim it’s love🙄🙄

managedmis · 16/08/2019 20:49

www.tunisianloverats.com/

it's a THING!

managedmis · 16/08/2019 20:50

However, I know someone who had a similar experience except the man ‘went to the loo’ at the UK airport on arrival into the country and disappeared!

Another

Iamthewombat · 16/08/2019 21:00

Bloody hell, OP! Are you that desperate to be loved?

Are you stunningly beautiful, so that men swoon when they see you?

Ask yourself why this man is so keen on you. Other than the fact you asked him on a date. You can do better than this.

curtainpole12 · 16/08/2019 21:12

Would you think and do the same if itwas a busker from the local town?
No?!
Thought not

run, as far and as fast as you can

Otherwise you Will be on pg 2 of woman's weekly

StormcloakNord · 16/08/2019 21:15

Honestly OP? If you're not going to get a refund - go to Tunisia, have a good holiday, use him for some great sex and when you come back just totally detach yourself.

Its maybe easier said than done, I'm a cold hearted fish and could do that but if you have strong feelings for him then its maybe best to just cancel and swallow the cost.

Original poster

fairgame84 · 16/08/2019 21:18

Bloody hell, OP! Are you that desperate to be loved?
No I'm not desperate at all. If I was then I would have turned a blind eye to all the bezness and scams but instead I've looked into it. I would have ignored everyone who said not to go but instead I've listened.
As I said earlier, it's the few people that I know it's worked out for that has made me question everything.

Are you stunningly beautiful, so that men swoon when they see you?
Obviously not otherwise I wouldn't be single.

OP posts:

Boltoflightening · 16/08/2019 21:26

This happened to me, or similar anyway. There was no way I was going to go, especially as I had children at school. I would always put them first.

I went to Tunisia once, absolutely hated everything about it. Especially the men.

MonstranceClock · 16/08/2019 21:28

I would go, have a fab week of hot sex and fun then come home and block him.

BlueSuedeStiletto · 16/08/2019 21:44

Sooo... I don't want to say it's "not a scam" cos it possibly (probably) is but...

My friend met a local sports instructor while on a family holiday in Tunisia. They spent time together while she was there and started a LD relationship. She went to visit him a few times. They got married 6 years ago, he came to live here. They are still very happy and have an 18 month old.

The process of getting his Visa wasn't easy. They had to provide a lot of evidence that their relationship was genuine. He has also had to get 3 visas while he's been here at about 3k each. He is now, finally, a british citizen. It's been a long, expensive slog for them though with the threat of deportation hanging over them at any point. I honestly don't think anyone could put that level of effort in just for a Visa.

Few points though- they were similar ages (early 20s), he applied for a work visa and has worked for the entire time he's been here and his family are quite westernised- his sister and brother are both married to foreign nationals. He also wanted her to live in Tunisia, it was her decision to move to the UK.

So. It can occasionally be the real deal.

She was careful and kept her eyes and mind open. You must do the same.

Outofideas1 · 16/08/2019 21:56

Great advice from the loverats website:

don't try to validate the relationship by telling the story to all and sundry in the hope that someone will see the good side in him/it and give the beneift of the doubt as this will cause you to wobble from your position.
you will go through the stages of grief and feel a bit silly to have been conned/duped but that self-realistion is all part of the process
and "don't be too hard on yourself" as hindsight is a wonderful gift we all have access too, it's foresight that causes the problem

Funghi · 16/08/2019 22:04

Can he come visit you (nowhere near your home and with all of your belongings hidden) instead?

Elieza · 16/08/2019 22:05

No no no no no!

My friend did this, (but not Tunisia, another hot country) married him, he was only after a cushy life and eventually he got fed up telling her how beautiful and wonderful she was and how she made him feel thing he’s never thought he could feel etc etc and started not washing, going on porn sites and lost his job through not getting off his fat lazy arse and she had to support him as he sat around the house wanking to porn all day and eating her food. And he never did any housework either. Lazy pig.
It started well and we all believed he really lived my wonderful friend even though she was older, it was a pack of lies. Don’t do it. It broke her heart and left her skint as they were married and she had to pay thousands for the divorce costs as he wouldn’t as he wanted to stay married and take her for everything.

Sn0tnose · 16/08/2019 22:35

I currently earn 27k and would earn 6k over there. He doesn't know what I earn. He knows that he’s not earning much and you earn enough to travel abroad and stay in a hotel he could never afford to stay in. He already knows you have more money than he does.

The thing is, it is possible that he could be genuine. You could be the one in ten thousand cases where a 25 year old penniless waiter really does want to settle down and have a family with a woman ten years older, with children from a previous marriage, who his Muslim family are unlikely to approve of. Perhaps he will be completely faithful while you’re in two different countries, navigating the visa process (which you’ll have to pay for, as he won’t be able to afford it. It’s not likely though.

I think a pp hit the nail on the head when they asked you (paraphrasing) if you’d consider a relationship with a penniless waiter ten years your junior, talking about marriage after a matter of weeks, if you’d met him on a drizzly day in Pontypridd.

Sn0tnose · 16/08/2019 22:43

Can he come visit you (nowhere near your home and with all of your belongings hidden) instead

To get a visa, he’d have to satisfy them that he intended to return to Tunisia at the end of his holiday. If he tells them that he is a young waiter, with no particular ties (such as a wife and children and a non seasonal job in Tunisia), going to visit an older woman he met while she was on holiday, and that she’s had to pay for his visa, his flights and his spending money, as well as feed and accommodate him while he’s here because there’s zero chance of him affording that on a Tunisian waiter’s salary, what do you think his chances of getting a visit visa would be?

Elieza · 17/08/2019 22:51

Sorry it had to end this way for you but the chances of it succeeding were very slim. Not worth the heartache. You’ll be ok though.

HalfManHalfLabrador · 17/08/2019 22:55

This is a trashy magazine cover waiting to happen. You know this

MarigoldGlove · 17/08/2019 23:07

Tell him you earn under the £18600 threshold so he can't come to live in the uk so you will,have to live in Tunisia.

midsummabreak · 18/08/2019 00:17

Could you get your Mum to take your DS and his good friend on the holiday, as an early birthday gift for both.

You could pamper and spoil yourself at home and use that week off to take time out The fact that you had to warn him that you dont earn much tells me that you do not trust this man. You are wise to stay away ,and follow your instincts, have nothing if you don't have trust.

midsummabreak · 18/08/2019 00:22

Could you gift the flight tickets to your Mum and she can pay accomodation for her own holiday with a friend? Tell her the truth , that you dont want this man to hurt you or your family and you need her to support you to be strong

HollowTalk · 18/08/2019 00:24

It was a holiday romance, that's all.

minibroncs · 18/08/2019 05:44

Anybody who lovebombs you isn't after a genuine, healthy relationship.

Groomers will cast out tens and hundreds of lines until they find someone with the right mix of vulnerabilities to bite. If necessary they will invest years in grooming as many active targets as they've accumulated until just one comes to fruition - whether that's to commit abuse, violence, financial fraud, to obtain a visa or a combination of those.

It is very easy to say all the right things and seem like the most loving, wonderful person when you have limited contact and are pursuing a long term goal that makes it necessary. Groomers are committed for the long haul.

It's natural to "what if" and wish for the fantasy outcome for yourself - why else do people buy lottery tickets and how else would people weather tremendous suffering - but it doesn't make it real or probable.

Financial scam or visa fraud questions aside, it has the hallmarks of a garden variety coercive controller drawing you into an abusive relationship. That should be enough for you to take strength in the decision to cut him off. No good will come of continuing contact.

I would also caution that most people being abused/subjected to coercive control who are in the thick of it after years of manipulation and a gradual tightening of control don't realise that's what's happening to them. It's very difficult to help someone see it, understand it, and properly break free of it. Not all of the "happy endings" you're clinging onto are necessarily all that they appear (never mind "exception that proves the rule").

Abuse/coercive control happens to women from all walks of life, including "intelligent, professional women" - it's not about being stupid. You've had a taste yourself of how convincing and confusing they can be at this stage, and how easy it is to be drawn in. It doesn't make you stupid, it makes you human.

rainandshine52 · 18/08/2019 06:27

Get a grip. This is an age old story. You represent ( your money represents) a way out of his life of struggle. Why do you think you don't see loads of Tunisians on holidays?

peachypetite · 18/08/2019 06:37

Don't go OP! like others have said it's more than likely to be a scam.

CodenameVillanelle · 18/08/2019 06:44

Even if he IS totally genuine so what? How on Earth are you going to have a relationship with someone who is ten years younger, gulfs away from you culturally and education wise and who lives in another continent??

I was married to a North African man and we had a perfectly genuine and heartfelt relationship. We still split up, because cross cultural relationships can be extremely difficult in ways you can never anticipate. We were both young when we got together. As a 30 something mother you'd be utterly foolish to consider pursuing this.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5