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Original poster

Am I being an idiot going to meet this man?

109 replies

fairgame84 · 16/08/2019 12:57

I went on holiday to Tunisia in May. Met a lovely waiter at the hotel and I asked him out on a date. We went for a coffee, had a kiss and nothing more.
Since then we have video called every day. He seems genuinely lovely and I'm due to go back next month to spend a week with him. Except I'm getting cold feet.

He is 10 years younger than me and wants a ltr with marriage and children. I'm mid thirties and have a teenager, I don't know if I want to start a family all over again. I'm settled with my career and happy.
I've heard and read all the horror stories about being used for visas etc so I'm aware that he might not be genuine. He hasn't asked me for money and I would never give him any.

My friends have warned me not to go due to safety concerns.
When I write it all down it seems so stupid to go but then he could be one of the few blokes that is genuine.

Do I just go and see how things go or do I cancel my flights and bin him off?

OP posts:

midsummabreak · 16/08/2019 16:02

Scam. Does he have your home address or just skype contact ? If so, Are you able to have someone stay at your house while away for security ?

TheQueef · 16/08/2019 16:06

A holiday away from Tunisia sounds perfect.
Watch Shirley Valentine ten times before you go.

bobstersmum · 16/08/2019 16:16

Well I would generally say do not be so stupid but I know a girl that was in this exact situation. He came over here they got married and had ivf to have children, they are still very happy as far as I can see! So there is a chance it could be genuine.

Original poster

fairgame84 · 16/08/2019 16:21

Does he have your home address or just skype contact ? If so, Are you able to have someone stay at your house while away for security ?

No he does not know my address at all. He doesn't even have my email address, only my phone number. My mum is staying in my house with DS while I am away. DS hates holidays so won't come.

OP posts:

bobstersmum · 16/08/2019 16:25

Sorry I tell a lie, her chap was Turkish.

Original poster

fairgame84 · 16/08/2019 16:27

Tell him how excited you are that you've found him and can't wait to give up your job and move to Tunisia with your teenage daughter to marry him and be a housewife. Tell him you knoe that as a waiter he doesn't make much but true love is priceless. Make sure if he asks that you tell him you have no assets. I'd be curious to see how he responds.

I've told him I'm not rich and if wants money he's wasting his time because he will get nothing from me. I've also told him that if he wants a quick visa then he is also wasting his time because I'm not rushing into anything.
He has talked about us living in Tunisia but that will never happen (I haven't told him that though). I would never remove DS from the uk and would never give up my job. I currently earn 27k and would earn 6k over there. He doesn't know what I earn. I'm very careful about not talking about money.

OP posts:

HeadintheiClouds · 16/08/2019 16:30

Have you approached Take a Break with this nonsense, op?

Original poster

fairgame84 · 16/08/2019 16:35

Have you approached Take a Break with this nonsense, op?

If you bothered to rtft you will see that i came on here for advice because I've got conflicting advice irl. You don't need to take the piss. I haven't gone out and married the bloke have I? I've looked at bezness, I've read the stories on the scams, I've trawled through the loverat website.
I've also said that I'm not going after the advice I got on here.
2 people have replied to say they know of cases where it worked out so clearly it can happen but I'm aware that the odds are slim but obviously I'm not the first person to be in this situation.

OP posts:

TheQueef · 16/08/2019 16:35

Has he asked for your old mobile phone yet or tablet?

Original poster

fairgame84 · 16/08/2019 16:38

Has he asked for your old mobile phone yet or tablet?

No. I don't have an old mobile or tablet anyway.

OP posts:

constipatedoverweightoldlady · 16/08/2019 16:39

Have a nice holiday away with your DC instead!

CanoeDoYouThinkYouAre · 16/08/2019 16:42

I had a friend when I was a teenager who's Mum fell in love with a waiter abroad. I think he was Egyptian.

Anyway, they married in Egypt, Mum spent thousands on getting his visa (while her children went without, my friend and her brother often ate at my house as there wasn't food at home) and even had a media campaign at one point to get him into the country.

It worked! He came to the uk! They lived happily ever after!

Except they didn't. After the marriage Mum signed over her house to him (he said that in his culture women couldn't own property and if she respected him she'd do it🙄) and he promptly flogged the house, emptied the bank accounts and fucked off.

As she'd signed it over she didn't have a leg to stand on legally. The kids went to live with their Dad (other end of the country, unfortunately I lost contact with my friend for years until we found each other on Facebook) and at one point Mum was living in her car as she was destitute.

The worst thing though was the fact that her relationship with her children was irrevocably damaged by all of this, 20 odd years later and they still feel that she put this man ahead of them and ruined their lives.

The whole situation was so sad for everyone involved (except the conman obviously) but I do see how it happened. Mum was lonely and these men know exactly who their targets are.

Look after yourself OP, have a nice holiday and always listen to your instincts!

BettysLeftTentacle · 16/08/2019 16:49

I know you’re saying you’re not going to him OP but I can’t help thinking you’re going to change your mind. Please, please don’t do this, it won’t end well. Think of your DS.

HelloCheeky · 16/08/2019 16:53

Some people meet their partners on holiday and many people make relationships with age gaps and cultural differences work. It is also true that suggesting marriage very early on is not a red flag in itself as there are many cultures where dating doesn't happen in the same way we are used to. We can't really know whether this man is sincere or not. There is no way anybody can be certain.

But. It's certain it would be very, very hard to make it work even if it is genuine and that is the main reason for not pursuing it. You can find someone closer to home who won't be so difficult to settle with. It was nice while it lasted but look after yourself and your DC by deciding to step away from situations which are going to be complicated. You deserve it.

PapaStinky · 16/08/2019 17:12

Not quite the same but some years back I met a lovely Irish guy whilst on holiday in the Canaries. We had just the one night of fun don't even think we kissed (recollection hazy). Anyway kept in touch and I was so excited to meet up in Edinburgh a short while later but as soon as I saw him my heart sank he was not quite as hot as I had remembered was quite shorter than I remembered and I had zero attraction to him romantically. That said he was a lovely person and we had a nice evening and am still distantly in touch via social media.

What I'm trying to say is on holiday when you're carefree and maybe a bit tipsy your judgement can be a bit skewed. You don't want to go all that way and realise you aren't actually attracted to him.

As others have said, whatever you decide just be careful and listen to your instincts.

YorkieTheRabbit · 16/08/2019 17:40

Dear god woman, do not get involved!
I watched a friend go through all types of hell after doing something similar.
Thankfully she came out the other end, she had a child with this man but he hasn’t had any involvement since a few months after the birth, child is now 17.
He only wanted money and a right to stay in this country, sad but true

Patroclus · 16/08/2019 17:52

Again I would say dont do it but the two women I know who did this are now in 2 of the best marraiges I know

Itsallgonewoowoo · 16/08/2019 18:03

My friend, a policeman also sadly fell for this. Waiter from Carribbean, her plan was to retire and move out with him, first he came to the UK to help her pack. Of course once here he lived the UK so much etc. She got rid when it became clear they were not returning to his home and that he was not planning on getting a job. Took her a while tho

HeadintheiClouds · 16/08/2019 18:31

How could anyone be this dim? He came to the UK to help her pack.
Wtf?!

EileenAlanna · 16/08/2019 18:32

I'm glad to hear that you're planning on a holiday now instead of going to see this guy.
In addition to the very real concerns expressed by pps that he could only be in this for money & a visa, there are always other issues to be taken into account when thinking of marrying someone from a different country/culture & settling there. Do you know if he already has a wife/wives? In a Muslim country it's perfectly legal & acceptable to have up to 5 wives I believe. Is his mother alive? Again, I believe that a wife is subordinate to her husbands mother in a way that could take MIL troubles to a whole new level. As a wife in a Muslim country you'd be living under legal, religious & cultural conditions beyond what you know & expect in life. Could you make these major adjustments? Could your DC?

uchelp · 16/08/2019 18:37

Even if he was genuine (which I doubt, as no offence but what would a 25yo Muslim man want with a 35 year old British woman with a teenager) the relationship clearly wouldn't be going anywhere so what's the point?

AltheaVestr1t · 16/08/2019 18:43

Meh. I feel a bit differently about this. This guy is obviously on the make and I think it’s oerfectky acceptable for the OP to return to Tunisia and enjoy the wooing, as long as she does so with her eyes WIDE open to the obvious scamming/ visa grabbing / Shirley Valentine situation. If you want a hot overseas fling OP, by all means go ahead. But be very cautious to all the above.

yellowsun · 16/08/2019 19:09

I know someone who married a Turkish holiday romance. He came here and was really abusive. Expected her to live by his cultural expectations for women etc. It took a lot of strength, time and money for her to get shot of him. This is an extremely intelligent woman with a high paid professional job and she fell for it. Don’t do the same.

Another close friend met someone when volunteering in Africa. They had a relationship during her time there for over a year and came back here together. They have had a really happy marriage.

However, I know someone who had a similar experience except the man ‘went to the loo’ at the UK airport on arrival into the country and disappeared!

Belgravian · 16/08/2019 20:36

How do you know he isn’t HIV positive?

Original poster

fairgame84 · 16/08/2019 20:42

How do you know he isn’t HIV positive?

You can say that about every single person you meet
You don't know if anyone is positive until they have been tested. That's why you should use condoms until you know for sure.

OP posts:

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