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Original poster

Holidays with my Mum - WWYD?

91 replies

KitKat1985 · 16/08/2019 10:35

So, my lovely Dad died 2 years ago after a long illness. My Mum had been his long-term carer and he had been too unwell to travel for a couple of years before his death. After my Dad passed away and we got through the initial grieving, my Mum acknowledged sadly that she would love to go on holiday as she hadn't been able to go for a long time, but felt she had no-one to go with. So we invited her to come on holiday with us (me, DH and our 2 DDs) later on that year, which she did and had a good time. This year we have also been on holiday abroad with her twice. So in total we have taken 3 holidays abroad with her in the past two years.

Now I love my Mum dearly and she really genuinely is an 'easy' holiday companion who happily joins in with what we are up to, and gives us the odd bit of time to ourselves etc. But invariably her coming away with us does change the dynamics a bit, and with her being nearly 70 her interests are obviously different to mine, DH's and our DDs. As much as I'm happy for her to come on holiday with us again in the future, I'm also feeling like next year I'd like to be able to go away just the 4 of us. It would also make choosing accommodation easier as finding accommodation that fits 3 adults and 2 kids can be tricky. I mentioned to her the other day that we had just renewed DD's passport and will probably book a holiday for next year and she pretty much said that she would love to come too.

Now I just feel really awkward and don't feel I can book a holiday for just the 4 of us as I don't want her to be offended or feel unwanted, or that she won't be able to go on holiday next year unless she can go with us, as she won't otherwise have anyone to go with.

I've been trying to drop hints about her maybe going away with my brother and his partner (they live at my Mum's house and all get on well, so are used to spending long periods together). But so far DB and his partner have gone away just the two of them and it doesn't look like that's about to change.

So what do I do? Do I book a trip for just the 4 of us, knowing my Mum will probably feel hurt; or just suck it up and plan another trip for all 5 of us?

OP posts:
funmummy48 · 16/08/2019 10:46

You're upfront and honest with her & explain that you love her but it's in her & your best interests to holiday separately sometimes. Had she got many friends, can you help her to kick start her social life? There are holidays out there for single travellers; she could start with a coach holiday in the UK perhaps and see how she gets on? Chances are she'll make some new friends and may rebook with them. She needs some encouragement but it's for her benefit as well as yours. There's no need for any guilt. You sound like a lovely daughter.

Original poster
KitKat1985 · 16/08/2019 10:55

Yes I know - I probably need to talk to her, I know I do. But she's been through so much the past few years I feel bad about upsetting her. But me and DH both work full time and don't get much time just the 4 of us as a family, and I feel we need that.

In an ideal world we would do 2 holidays next year (one with her, and one without) as I think that would help, but I just can't afford it.

OP posts:
PennyGold · 16/08/2019 11:00

I'd suck it up and book for the 5 of you, I get your point (I really do) but I couldn't do that to my mum. It'd be a different holiday going with your brother and his partner (couples holiday), where as yours is a family holiday.

funmummy48 · 16/08/2019 11:01

Could you do a weekend away with her instead of a full week? Does she pay her share financially when she holidays with you? (Hope that's not a too personal question?)

HeyMonkey · 16/08/2019 11:05

Can you do a small holiday with her, and then your main holiday with just immediate family?

SRK16 · 16/08/2019 11:13

Have a chat with her as PP’s have said. Could you and her do a weekend away on your own at some point if 2 family holidays isn’t doable?

ourkidmolly · 16/08/2019 11:13

I agree with @PennyGold. I'd take my mum.

ourkidmolly · 16/08/2019 11:14

Or what about she comes out for one week?

Booboostwo · 16/08/2019 11:14

Nearly 70 is not that elderly. Does she have health problems that make it difficult for her to travel on her own or is it a psychological block? Could she find a group of friends to travel with or take an all inclusive holiday for seniors where everything is pre-arranged?

partysong · 16/08/2019 11:17

Sorry I'd take her too, if she's been a good mum. We've taken FiL every year since his wife died 10 years ago (he's 85) and now my mum since my dad died.

She needs to pay for herself and cover separate accommodation (a different hotel room etc) that gives you some family space alone.

RainOrSun · 16/08/2019 11:20

How many holidays do you typically have in a year?? If more than one, take her on one of them (and it diesnt need to ge the big family holiday). If just one, take her every other year.

Yes, its lovely to help her out, but equally as a family you need time for just you sometimes.

HostofDaffodils · 16/08/2019 11:26

I think there are many special interest type holidays that are ideal for single people and which are often a good option for older travellers. Walking/exploring holidays for example - many are quite gentle in terms of pace. U3A groups are also very useful in terms of getting a new circle of friends. Again groups may organise outings and trips together.

I think if you lose your partner before you are very elderly and are in reasonable health , you do have to take some responsiblity for making a new life, rather than just depending on remaining close family to try and fill the gap - even if you continue to grieve.

Chitarra · 16/08/2019 11:30

Alternate holidays, one with her and one without, sounds like a great compromise. Not both in the same year if you can't afford it, but every other year. Your mum sounds lovely - I'm sure she would understand.

Stop dropping hints about her going away with your brother and his partner. If they live with her I think it's reasonable for them to go on holiday without her.

user1474894224 · 16/08/2019 11:31

Can you afford long weekend with mum and week without?

I get exactly what you are saying about dynamic changing, but also get that life is short and it's actually lovely she wants to come. Alternatively book something with multiple activities so she can have a few days doing things that interest her while you do things that your family enjoy.

stucknoue · 16/08/2019 11:32

If you can afford it (or she could) how about a long weekend just you and her - things the kids wouldn't enjoy.

Summerunderway · 16/08/2019 11:33

Speak to you db about doing alternate years with her?
She isn't just your worry!!

stucknoue · 16/08/2019 11:33

pressed too soon!

But not sure what her financial position is, but there's a thriving solo cruise community I found online, they meet up too outside of holidays, most are in your mums situation too

Teddybear45 · 16/08/2019 11:34

I could never leave my mum / mil behind like this. You absolutely should take her.

Summerunderway · 16/08/2019 11:35

Maybe her being so reliant on you and you being OK with it is stopping her branching out and meeting new people?
She may have a better time with similar age /interested folk!

DerelictWreck · 16/08/2019 11:38

I'm sorry but I'd take my mum too. You'll never look back and regret spending time with your mum, and it sounds like she's had a hard time lately. Not sure I could bring myself to make her life worse/harder/with less joy.

fiorentina · 16/08/2019 11:42

I think she needs encouragement to gain confidence to do stuff alone. I don’t know what age your DC are but we took my MIL this year and it was hard work as there were lots of more active things the kids wanted to do that she wouldn’t join in with or want to, which they found frustrating.

Alternatively, could you go away for two weeks and she joins you for one of those as a compromise?

Original poster
KitKat1985 · 16/08/2019 11:44

Hmm, okay. I might hold off booking anything yet and see how the year goes financially. I might see if I can break the year up into two separate holidays (so take two separate 1 week holidays, one with her and one without her), rather than 1 2-week holiday. That might be a fair compromise?

She has always been quite shy and introverted and prefers to socialise with mostly family, but she has really tried to make some effort to get out and meet new people in the past year (she has joined a rambling club which she really enjoys). But I don't think there's anyone she could realistically go on holiday with that is there.

OP posts:
Yogagirl123 · 16/08/2019 11:45

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have a holiday without your mum, she sounds lovely, so I am sure she would understand.

Original poster
KitKat1985 · 16/08/2019 11:47

Oh and yes she absolutely always pays her way on holiday, so that really isn't an issue.

OP posts:
Wexone · 16/08/2019 11:49

In similar position myself with MIL - FIL died aprox two years ago and as we live the nearest end up being invited to things so we bring her and having to consider her on our hols etc. Have found that getting her to go to join groups and hobbies has helped like garden club do a few trips away touring other gardens and all so she goes on them on her own. She always pays extra for single room supplement though - Her choice. Also husband indirectly dropped hints about time ourselves. So slowly recognised that. I would also speak to other members of family as they should also share some of the pain