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Original poster

Holidays with my Mum - WWYD?

91 replies

KitKat1985 · 16/08/2019 10:35

So, my lovely Dad died 2 years ago after a long illness. My Mum had been his long-term carer and he had been too unwell to travel for a couple of years before his death. After my Dad passed away and we got through the initial grieving, my Mum acknowledged sadly that she would love to go on holiday as she hadn't been able to go for a long time, but felt she had no-one to go with. So we invited her to come on holiday with us (me, DH and our 2 DDs) later on that year, which she did and had a good time. This year we have also been on holiday abroad with her twice. So in total we have taken 3 holidays abroad with her in the past two years.

Now I love my Mum dearly and she really genuinely is an 'easy' holiday companion who happily joins in with what we are up to, and gives us the odd bit of time to ourselves etc. But invariably her coming away with us does change the dynamics a bit, and with her being nearly 70 her interests are obviously different to mine, DH's and our DDs. As much as I'm happy for her to come on holiday with us again in the future, I'm also feeling like next year I'd like to be able to go away just the 4 of us. It would also make choosing accommodation easier as finding accommodation that fits 3 adults and 2 kids can be tricky. I mentioned to her the other day that we had just renewed DD's passport and will probably book a holiday for next year and she pretty much said that she would love to come too.

Now I just feel really awkward and don't feel I can book a holiday for just the 4 of us as I don't want her to be offended or feel unwanted, or that she won't be able to go on holiday next year unless she can go with us, as she won't otherwise have anyone to go with.

I've been trying to drop hints about her maybe going away with my brother and his partner (they live at my Mum's house and all get on well, so are used to spending long periods together). But so far DB and his partner have gone away just the two of them and it doesn't look like that's about to change.

So what do I do? Do I book a trip for just the 4 of us, knowing my Mum will probably feel hurt; or just suck it up and plan another trip for all 5 of us?

OP posts:
Wixi · 16/08/2019 13:48

I agree with you OP. My DF is 74, and my DM died 3 years ago. DF is happy with his own company and regularly (3 or 4 times a year) goes abroad on his own on holiday. In fact, he has booked a cruise to the otherside of the world for Christmas this year, just because he can. He is still fit and healthy (apart from a stoma due to Bowel cancer), but he is more than happy on his own. He is also happy to join us for a couple of days for a break, or go on holiday with my DSis and BIL if asked.

saywhatwhatnow · 16/08/2019 13:53

I think two holidays, if possible, is the way forward with this one. She sounds like a lovely mum and I definitely couldn't just leave her behind because I didn't fancy it this year. Maybe tell her your plans upfront, a lovely family holiday abroad (I presume) including her and then a holiday 'for the kids' ie just the four of you maybe!?

Original poster
KitKat1985 · 16/08/2019 13:55

The thing is I think my Mum would probably enjoy a holiday with DB and his partner more in some ways as they can do stuff more orientated to her interests. As much as she loves our DDs, given that they are only 4 and 2 obviously our holidays recently have revolved a lot around nap times, and eating early, and going to soft play / building sandcastles etc. I see her sometimes when we've been away looking with interest at sight-seeing coach trips or daytrips to historical places etc, but the reality is our DDs are too young really and would get bored and whingy on long coach trips etc. At least if she went away with other adults they could do some stuff like that.

OP posts:
yellowsun · 16/08/2019 13:56

I would do two holidays. My mum comes with me and DS for a mini holiday every year. We do something DH/my dad wouldn’t enjoy and have a lovely time with the three of us. It doesn’t have to be expensive. You could do that one year then bring her the next?

Gumbo · 16/08/2019 14:05

I'm astonished by the amount of people who go on holiday with one of their parents - I'd rather chew my own arm off than go away with my mother! In fairness, my mother is rude and unpleasant and presumably not everyone has parents like that, but still...

Anyhow - I agree with other posters that a short break with your mother is the way forward. Perhaps you can tell her you're doing a separate 'activity' holiday for the DC doing something they particularly want to do (think abseiling/zip lines etc)?

ineedaholidaynow · 16/08/2019 14:27

As they are 4 and 2 I would have thought abseiling/zip lines might be a bit adventurous!

I second the short break option, and then maybe some years do a longer holiday with her. How does your DH feel about it. How would you feel having your MIL on holiday?

Has she got any widowed/divorced friends that she could go on holiday with? That is what MIL does.

If your DB is benefiting by living at your DM's rent free then maybe they should step up re holidays, again maybe a short break.

BarbedBloom · 16/08/2019 15:16

I will probably sound cruel but your mother has to start to build her own life, increase her social circle and so on. I really like my MIL but I wouldn't be willing to holiday with her every time we go away for potentially 20 years. We lived with mine for a while when she needed a bit of help and we did holiday alone as we needed time as a couple too. When your brother and partner move out I imagine she will be lonely and if she doesn't make new friends it could end up with her being unhappy.

So I think you need to tell her that you and the children need time together and you will maybe do alternate year holidays with her and if she comes, for one or two days she should make plans to do something herself. But I can't stand family holidays where everyone is in each others pocket anyway.

BarbedBloom · 16/08/2019 15:18

Just to add, I wouldn't holiday with my mother either. She likes to sit on the beach all day every day and that is my idea of hell Grin

AnotherEmma · 16/08/2019 15:35

Does your mum have any friends she could go away with? My grandma has sisters and friends and has not been short of holiday companions since my grandad died.

If not there are plenty of great holiday options for older single people, if she is willing to be brave and try one! Skyros is one but there are loads.

WeaselsRising · 16/08/2019 16:11

We did this and wished we hadn't. It worked great in the early years while the DC were tiny, but as they got older we seemed to have more and more clashes. DM didn't want to do anything we did, didn't want to eat anywhere that was half decent and just started really being awkward for the sake of it.

Unfortunately she won't take no for an answer so we've just stopped telling her we are going away until we get back. She expects to be included in everything we do all the time, and sometimes you just want some space with your own little family.

FinallyHere · 16/08/2019 16:46

I'm your DM's age group and absolutely recommend walking or other activity holidays.

Much more fun than going away with littles. Best to start trying them now.

Could she visit you for a few days at s time to spend f time with the DGC in their own environment, to give your DB a break, too ?

brassbrass · 16/08/2019 16:53

Are you expecting your DB to telepathically get up to speed? Have you actually spoken to him face to face about this situation and explained why it might be helpful for the both of you to share holiday time with her? Not sure how you're expecting anything to change otherwise.

Does she not have ANY friends or relatives her age?

Chitarra · 17/08/2019 06:27

Why can't she go on sight-seeing coach trips / daytrips to historical places on her own while you're all on holiday together? That would be win/win - she gets to do things which are of more interest to her and you get some family time.

Winsomelosesome · 17/08/2019 06:55

I've holidayed with my dp's many times over the years, LP though so different dynamics. What I found worked best was booking 2 separate apartments or rooms on the same complex. Way better than sharing accommodation. This way we could all do our own thing and meet up for meals. This year I went solo with DS as we were going further afield and my mum doesn't do long flights. I've also done a couple of holidays just me and my mum. My mum just turned 70 and is currently facing a possible lung cancer diagnosis, I'm so glad we did all those holidays together whilst she was in good health.

IloveJudgeJudy · 17/08/2019 07:48

I'm one of four and two of us used to invite DM in turn every other year to go on holiday with us. In latter years we both used to invite her to join us in the second week and travel home with us. We both now have adult DC and she no longer joins us. She did also used to come before my father died as he was fairly disabled and couldn't travel.

She joined an Active Retirement Association and goes on many trips and does many activities with them. She goes away at least three times per year and on various day trips including an annual Mystery Tour.

This year she's also going away with her church to Israel.

Maybe suggest to your DM that she joins an ARA in her area or, as a PP suggested, the U3A?

Cobblersandhogwash · 17/08/2019 08:47

What you're suggesting doesn't make you a bad person.

You're an amazing daughter. You really are. And your Dh. You've helped her so much and been very generous to her.

You never know, if she went away with some pals of her own she might have a brilliant time herself. You know, a better match of interests etc.

Could you suggest a saga holiday or something?

rookiemere · 17/08/2019 09:17

Can you speak to your DB and see what he thinks ?

I really don't think you're wrong for wanting your own holiday, and I'm surprised your DM can't see that it would be appropriate and right for you to have one. I like the suggestions of her coming the second week or going for a long weekend with her instead.

You've been very kind, but in a few years your DCs won't be so keen on family holidays so you're allowed to have your own trips some of the time for sure.

rookiemere · 17/08/2019 09:30

Another thought - could you research coach trips and ramblers holidays for her. There is a lot about for the older solo traveler and she'd probably really enjoy it if she went. It would involve a conversation with her, but I'm sure she'd understand that you need some time alone with your DH and DCs

madderthenaboxofffrogs · 17/08/2019 09:42

Just take her with you, you don't know how long she's gonna be around. My dad died last October and my Mum had been his carer for years and she never got to go anywhere as my dad didn't like being left on his own for too long so we never got to do anything together for years.

We were so looking forward to doing stuff together, day trips, holidays etc but life is cruel and she was diagnosed with cancer in February and died 4 weeks later.

I'm struggling losing both parents within 6 months but especially losing my Mum it just seems so cruel, she was going to get a life back after caring for Dad for so long.

Appreciate what you have, you don't know what you're got till it's gone

EggysMom · 17/08/2019 10:05

What else does your DM have going on in her life, other than being a mother and grandmother? She needs to find something else to occupy her days - a hobby, volunteering, church, friendships; she cannot rely solely on you and your brother for company and opportunities. Having a life of her own may then encourage her to be more independent in her holiday choices - it took a while but my DGM started to take coach holidays with her friends.

margotsdevil · 17/08/2019 10:29

Would you consider a cruise? So many different activities which mean you could split up during the day and then eat together at night, for example? Lots of cruise lines have great kids clubs/activities as well and then a mixture of options ashore.

LettuceBeFree · 17/08/2019 10:48

I agree with @PennyGold

Cherrysoup · 17/08/2019 10:54

Ask your db to invite her. If you're asking us, it seems clear that you want to have a break from taking her.

I wouldn't want to take my mum and I recently went on holiday with 10 family members, but she would have limited what we did had we allowed it. She's 81, but fit. We just carried her along on the enthusiasm and took her everywhere, even if she would have been happy to stay in. Dad had just died, tho, so we were keen to keep her occupied.

ineedaholidaynow · 17/08/2019 11:03

For those saying the OP should take DM on holiday as hers is a family holiday, and not her DB as that would be a couple's holiday, does that mean if OP didn't have children the DM would never go on holiday again?

I am sure DM going on holiday with OP changes the dynamic of their holiday, as it would if she went on holiday with DB.

Changedmename1234 · 17/08/2019 11:18

As someone who had an awful holiday this year with mum and the dcs I would be cautious about setting a precedent. Like a pp said, when they were little she was ok, as they’ve got older and want to do more active things and have opinions themselves I’ve found myself stuck in middle trying and failing to appease everyone. Mind you, my dm is awkward and unpleasant generally.
Why don’t you look at booking a villa / caravan for you all, your dm, dB and his partner - a family “get together”. Dm can join dB for some activities and you can get alone time, it might encourage him to take her himself next time.