Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Holidays with my Mum - WWYD?

91 replies

KitKat1985 · 16/08/2019 10:35

So, my lovely Dad died 2 years ago after a long illness. My Mum had been his long-term carer and he had been too unwell to travel for a couple of years before his death. After my Dad passed away and we got through the initial grieving, my Mum acknowledged sadly that she would love to go on holiday as she hadn't been able to go for a long time, but felt she had no-one to go with. So we invited her to come on holiday with us (me, DH and our 2 DDs) later on that year, which she did and had a good time. This year we have also been on holiday abroad with her twice. So in total we have taken 3 holidays abroad with her in the past two years.

Now I love my Mum dearly and she really genuinely is an 'easy' holiday companion who happily joins in with what we are up to, and gives us the odd bit of time to ourselves etc. But invariably her coming away with us does change the dynamics a bit, and with her being nearly 70 her interests are obviously different to mine, DH's and our DDs. As much as I'm happy for her to come on holiday with us again in the future, I'm also feeling like next year I'd like to be able to go away just the 4 of us. It would also make choosing accommodation easier as finding accommodation that fits 3 adults and 2 kids can be tricky. I mentioned to her the other day that we had just renewed DD's passport and will probably book a holiday for next year and she pretty much said that she would love to come too.

Now I just feel really awkward and don't feel I can book a holiday for just the 4 of us as I don't want her to be offended or feel unwanted, or that she won't be able to go on holiday next year unless she can go with us, as she won't otherwise have anyone to go with.

I've been trying to drop hints about her maybe going away with my brother and his partner (they live at my Mum's house and all get on well, so are used to spending long periods together). But so far DB and his partner have gone away just the two of them and it doesn't look like that's about to change.

So what do I do? Do I book a trip for just the 4 of us, knowing my Mum will probably feel hurt; or just suck it up and plan another trip for all 5 of us?

OP posts:

Booboostwo · 16/08/2019 11:53

There are specialist holidays for senior, single people. She'd go with the group on all activities, excursions, etc so nothing to organise for her, or she could chill at the hotel if it all got too much.

itsallamysterytome · 16/08/2019 12:09

We did a UK cottage, tourist attraction, museum type break with my mum and a family holiday abroad.

Found some lovely bargain cottage holidays from Yorkshire to Devon and the IOW. We had some great times and funny times, even if it rained.

Now my DSs are grown up it is those holidays that provoke the strongest memories. Now she has died it is those holidays I would love to relive, nanny being chased by a pig, nanny holding Ds1 by the T-shirt while he held his fishing net in a shallow stream and caught a toddler, being totally surrounded by angry geese at Hornsea Mere.

elliollie · 16/08/2019 12:11

Could you do a family holiday and a holiday for just you and your mum?

user1474894224 · 16/08/2019 12:23

Rambling clubs often do weekends away. And if her club doesn't she could suggest organising one for them....sounds like a great hobby - sociable and active.

flippyflapper · 16/08/2019 12:27

I have this problem every year, my dad passed away 11 years ago he was early 50's my mum has not made any friends or try.
She has come in holiday every year with us apart from this year as we decorated the house so didn't have a holiday, she went with my sister and family tho.
See the problem we have is EVERYTHING we do ky mum comes along to, dinners, lunches, friends for dinner and it was intially fine she was lonely etc, now she is just plane rude and expects it, she will get very annoyed if we choose to stay in. Our children are now older and we have free time for me and dh she doesn't like it, ive spoke to her, she cries tells other family i dont want her etc. My life is hell at the moment.

So what i am getting at, nip it in the bud now

Original poster

KitKat1985 · 16/08/2019 12:38

Yeah maybe the solution is try to do something with her, and something without. I absolutely, genuinely have no problem with holidaying with her per se, and she really is lovely, but just don't want to feel obliged to take her every time we go away if you see what I mean as it's a bit suffocating.

DH has also been very good about her coming on holiday with us, but I wonder if secretly he would like to have a holiday just us 4 too (to be fair, I'm not sure I'd want to go on holiday with my PIL every year either).

I do feel (maybe wrongly) that DB and his gf have a duty to do something nice with her too. She lets them live with her for basically nominal rent so they can save for a house, and she helps them out loads with stuff, so I don't think it would kill them to go away with her for a few days to make her happy.

OP posts:

Toooldtobearsed2 · 16/08/2019 12:44

For the past 4 years, we have had similar(ish) issues.
Our children are grown up, but still love a 'family get together holiday', but we also have elderly MiL and my step father to think of.

We simply book a villa for all of us for week one. Wave them all away at the end of the week and transfer to a small apartment for the second week, just for us.

Could that work for you? Have a 2 week holiday and she comes for one of those weeks?

Original poster

KitKat1985 · 16/08/2019 12:48

I don't know Toooldtobearsed. I think she might be offended anyway if we asked her to leave after a week, so we could have a week without her.

OP posts:

MamaGee09 · 16/08/2019 12:55

I’d book for just the 4 of you and if she questions just say that you don’t get much time just the four of you and as she has been with you the last few times you knew she wouldn’t mind and thought maybe her son would take her this time.

My mil and my mum and both on their own and I’d never think take them on our main holiday with us. We’ve been away for the weekend with my mum but not a full week.

ChocolateRaisin · 16/08/2019 12:58

I think your compromise sounds good. My Grandad died when my Nan was only 58 and she used to come away with us when we were kids and used to holiday as a family with my mum and dad. She joined a walking group which she loved and they go on walking holidays several times a year which she still goes on now. She’s been to some really lovely places so it might be worth looking into a club like that for her?

user1471548941 · 16/08/2019 12:59

When this happened to us we always did 2 holidays.

My Mum would take my Grandma on a cruise for 4-5 days and presented it so that they could spend quality time together.

Then we would got for a week as a family on an “activity holiday”. There were no hard feelings as Grandma always felt like she wouldn’t want to hold us back from our activities whilst she couldn’t keep up.

Then her days away with Mum she can go at her pace, get more of a say in what is happening and the locations. She now loves coming home and telling us all about her week away!

mamansnet · 16/08/2019 13:14

Could you choose to holiday somewhere that she REALLY doesn't want to go and say your DH has always wanted to go there? Just to set a precedent.

And your DB definitely needs to step up. Maybe you could take it in turns, ie he takes her one year and you take her the next?

HeyThereSummerRain · 16/08/2019 13:14

Both my FIL and Dad holiday by themselves, they are both widowers.

FIL books a singles oap holiday. There are loads of options. He also made some friends on them. He recently went on a European River Cruise and had a great time.

My Dad just takes himself away alone. He has always been happy in his own company.

I would do a weekend away with your Mum and then a family holiday with your Dh and DDs. It is unfair on your Dh and your children for every holiday to include a grandparent. What happens if your FIL dies? Are you now going to take both Mums away with you?

Daffodil2018 · 16/08/2019 13:19

Talk to your brother and ask him to invite your mum away with him next time. It shouldn't all be on one child to do holidays with your mum.

Mishappening · 16/08/2019 13:23

I understand this problem from the other side.

My OH has had PD for many years. He is now totally disabled so holidays at all are out of the question, but prior to this one of my DDs and her family used to invite us on holiday with them, which we did on several occasions. But I said very clearly from day one that I knew they would need holidays on their own as a family and that taking us as a kindness, because of the problems of me taking OH on my own, did not in my mind set a precedent at all and that we would not be offended one jot if/when they organised holidays without us.

I also tried very hard on the occasions we did go with them to make sure that I cooked a lot for them, and babysat to give them time on their own.

I really think your Mum might understand better than you think about the need for you 4 to go away together; but I also understand how hard it is to risk hurting someone you love.

LazyLizzy · 16/08/2019 13:26

I wouldn't send her home after a week, I would have her join you on the 2nd week so you all travel home together.

But regardless, I would be speaking up to DB. I'd have no problem saying to him 'It's your turn this year to take DM away, so get booking'.

amusedbush · 16/08/2019 13:27

If your mum isn't even 70 yet then she could have another 20 years ahead of her. I know she has had a tough time but (sadly) life goes on and you can't be responsible for her happiness for potentially the next two decades.

Your family needs time to relax on holiday too, she must understand that?

yearinyearout · 16/08/2019 13:32

There are lots of options for her to holiday alone. My MIL goes with a company called "just you", they are for singles but it's not a dating thing. She's been on some wonderful holidays with them and made some good friends. I would do some research (maybe think about somewhere she's always wanted to go) and have a chat with her with some brochures under your arm. I'm sure if you explain just as you have here she will understand.

Alsohuman · 16/08/2019 13:32

We went on holiday with my (much older than your mum) parents for years. We only went for a week and we always had one day to ourselves. We also had a separate holiday that was just for us.

yearinyearout · 16/08/2019 13:33

Also....ramblers worldwide do some brilliant holidays, all graded differently to suit your ability. They tend to attract singles too.

Thesuzle · 16/08/2019 13:34

Soften the blow with a small white lie.
“Friends of ours have asked us to go with them” etc etc someone she does not know
My mum invited herself out to Canada with us, bloody hell, bigger car needed, luggage space. She couldn’t walk far etc, drove me mad

AnotherEmma · 16/08/2019 13:42

The problem is that you've set a precedent by taking her on every family holiday since your family died.

If i were you I would book a 7-10 day family holiday without her and do a 3-4 night weekend or midweek break just you and her. It would make sense to alternate so you invite her on every other family holiday rather than every single one.

I'm not sure why you think your brother and his girlfriend should take her on holiday, without children I think that would be a bit weird. There's no way DH and I would have taken mum on our couple's holidays pre-DC!

However, you could point out to your brother that she gets lonely and would probably appreciate him making the effort to treat her to the occasional day out or trip together (just the two of them maybe) as a thank you for everything she does for him.

But it's a classic case of a mother doing more for her son than for her daughter, and the daughter doing more than the son for the mother!

AnotherEmma · 16/08/2019 13:42

since your father died
Sorry about that unfortunate typo

AnotherEmma · 16/08/2019 13:45

PS Given that your brother and his partner actually live with your mother, I'm not surprised they go away just the two of them, it's their only chance for a break from her! Even though she sounds lovely everyone needs their space.

GiveMeHope103 · 16/08/2019 13:47

How does your DH feel about this. It absolutely changes the dynamic. I think you should try stop this now otherwise this is just going to become an obligation for you. How is your db getting away with it?

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread