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Original poster

Holidays with my Mum - WWYD?

91 replies

KitKat1985 · 16/08/2019 10:35

So, my lovely Dad died 2 years ago after a long illness. My Mum had been his long-term carer and he had been too unwell to travel for a couple of years before his death. After my Dad passed away and we got through the initial grieving, my Mum acknowledged sadly that she would love to go on holiday as she hadn't been able to go for a long time, but felt she had no-one to go with. So we invited her to come on holiday with us (me, DH and our 2 DDs) later on that year, which she did and had a good time. This year we have also been on holiday abroad with her twice. So in total we have taken 3 holidays abroad with her in the past two years.

Now I love my Mum dearly and she really genuinely is an 'easy' holiday companion who happily joins in with what we are up to, and gives us the odd bit of time to ourselves etc. But invariably her coming away with us does change the dynamics a bit, and with her being nearly 70 her interests are obviously different to mine, DH's and our DDs. As much as I'm happy for her to come on holiday with us again in the future, I'm also feeling like next year I'd like to be able to go away just the 4 of us. It would also make choosing accommodation easier as finding accommodation that fits 3 adults and 2 kids can be tricky. I mentioned to her the other day that we had just renewed DD's passport and will probably book a holiday for next year and she pretty much said that she would love to come too.

Now I just feel really awkward and don't feel I can book a holiday for just the 4 of us as I don't want her to be offended or feel unwanted, or that she won't be able to go on holiday next year unless she can go with us, as she won't otherwise have anyone to go with.

I've been trying to drop hints about her maybe going away with my brother and his partner (they live at my Mum's house and all get on well, so are used to spending long periods together). But so far DB and his partner have gone away just the two of them and it doesn't look like that's about to change.

So what do I do? Do I book a trip for just the 4 of us, knowing my Mum will probably feel hurt; or just suck it up and plan another trip for all 5 of us?

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 17/08/2019 11:33

"does that mean if OP didn't have children the DM would never go on holiday again?"
🤣

No dear it means that she would go on holiday by herself, with her children as an adult family group (ie daughter, son and partners) or with her children individually (eg mum and daughter break), or with friends.

But it's much more dramatic to imply that if the OP doesn't invite her she will NEVER go on holiday EVER AGAIN 😂

ineedaholidaynow · 17/08/2019 11:37

AnotherEmma I was referring to the PP who were saying the OP must take the DM on holiday as they were pretty much inferring that otherwise the DM would never go on holiday again and that it wasn’t fair to ask DB to take her on holiday as it would be a couple’s holiday.

AnnaMagnani · 17/08/2019 11:48

What is your mother doing in terms of building up a social life?

It took my mum a few years after DF died but she has a packed social life now. She has U3A, knitting groups (these are a godsend if your mum is a knitter), church, goes out on coach trips to historic houses with friends she has met at these groups. But she is the first to admit it was hard work to basically start from scratch to build this up.

It's non-stop.

We don't have children and so love taking her to historic places, especially as she has a Disabled Badge - it's like a golden ticket - but yes with young kids she would have to be prepared to do a lot of sitting and watching. My DM is happy to do this - she even has neighbours who have adopted her as a granny - so maybe having an upfront conversation with your mum that you love having her on holiday but is she OK that some days you are going to be doing stuff she can't join in on?

Original poster

KitKat1985 · 17/08/2019 20:41

In answer to previous questions about what Mum does for herself, she has joined a rambling club which she enjoys (she goes with her brother - my Uncle) who is in the same club. In addition to going rambling they do the odd day trip which she has been going on, (so she has been trying to do more on her own), but they don't do holidays. She wouldn't go on holiday with her brother as they have very different approaches to holidays, and although pleasant he is very deaf (but refuses to wear a hearing aid!) which can make conversation very difficult.

She's only 67 (and quite a 'young 67' if you know what I mean) so wouldn't be interested in knitting clubs or anything like that. She's not religious so wouldn't join anything related to a church.

I have suggested she look into doing some part-time courses at the local college (she enjoys baking so I was think cookery courses or similar) and I think it may help her meet some new people and get out of the house (especially in winter) and she keeps saying she may do this, but has yet to join any.

She doesn't drive so that does limit her ability to do certain things as well.

She does go out with other extended family for day trips as well. She had two close friends, but one sadly died a few years ago. She is very close to her other remaining friend but her friend is ironically in the same situation she was a few years ago and is essentially a full-time carer for her husband, so not practical for her to go on holiday with her either.

My brother is not anti going on holiday with my Mum (we have discussed it) but he's quite immature in some ways and seems to prioritise spending all his disposable income on video games than holidays. He can also be pretty lazy and my Mum seems to do all the cleaning and his and his partner's laundry etc. Mum had a broken foot recently that left her unable to do some stuff around the house for a few weeks (like mowing the lawn) and she asked him to help her for a bit, which really isn't that big an ask given that he lives in the house and she normally does loads for him, and he never did. Personally I think he massively takes advantage of her and also never has any intention of moving out in reality but she does enable him to, and it's not my place to say anything as it's not my business. But I do think him and his partner could go away with her for a few days to make her happy.

OP posts:

Booboostwo · 17/08/2019 21:52

Sounds like your mum needs a confidence boost more than anything else and to learn to put herself first. Your DB is not a child and he doesn’t need that level of support. Your DM has to become a bit more selfish (which would be a good thing in this case) and have some fun while she still can. In a few years she may find that she has physical rather than just psychological limitations to what she can do and it would be a shame to waste these years.

FinallyHere · 18/08/2019 08:02

Another voice joining in to say that after your last update which explains that your DM is providing a roof over their heads, as well as acting unpaid housekeeper and cleaner for DB and his GF...

Arranging holidays would be quite far down the list of things that need to be sorted out. Why would anyone enable other adults to be so lazy and selfish.

Catquest1 · 18/08/2019 08:20

Oddly neither my dad or mil (who are both widowed) have ever wanted to come with us on holiday. Camping apparently doesnt appeal. I asked my dad once and he couldnt decline fast enough

I hope im still camping when im their age though

Catquest1 · 18/08/2019 08:23

Oh missed the update. I think she has bigger problems at home tbh that need to be addressed

Original poster

KitKat1985 · 19/08/2019 07:23

I get where you are coming from that my Mum's home situation is ultimately a bigger issue. But ultimately my DM refuses to tell them to move out and continues to clean up after them all the time like they are children. I've tried telling her just to leave any mess etc and asking them to clean it up, or even to ask them to move out if she can't cope anymore with them living there, but she won't and I've just accepted the dynamic of their relationship isn't going to change anytime soon, even though my DB is 35 now. Frustratingly DB's girlfriend would like them to move out and get their own place but DB won't (presumably because he has it too easy). But as I've said upthread my Mum does enable him to behave like this. I don't want to demonise my DB on here as he is a nice person, but he is incredibly lazy and slobby in many ways too and he definitely takes advantage of my Mum. To be honest the whole issue of how my DB treats my DM grates on my nerves, and so I've learnt it's better to just accept it's none of my business and keep off the subject.

OP posts:

Ellmau · 19/08/2019 08:39

It sounds like either a group tour or a group walking holiday might be of interest to her. There are a number of companies that offer these - could you suggest she tries one of them, because she would enjoy it rather than suggesting she might be in the way on your holiday? If you could do a week together as well, and each have a separate holiday that might be ideal, if you can afford it.

SandraOhshair · 19/08/2019 09:28

Why not try it once before you write it off. If successful say you'll do it alternate years?
At 70 she wont have many holidaying abroad years on her yet so it's not like it's for ever.
Sounds like she needs something to look forward to!

Cobblersandhogwash · 19/08/2019 09:28

Your dB is a nice person yet incredibly lazy, slobby and takes advantage of your mum.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Original poster

KitKat1985 · 19/08/2019 09:34

I'll try suggesting that Ellmau as it's a good suggestion.

Sandra I think you might have mis-read my OP. My Mum has been with us on the past 3 holidays we have been on. I have no problem with her holidaying with us per se, rather I now feel under pressure to take her on every holiday we go on, and we need our own space too sometimes.

OP posts:

BlueSkiesLies · 19/08/2019 09:45

In an ideal world we would do 2 holidays next year (one with her, and one without) as I think that would help, but I just can't afford it.

Is she in a position to help financially for the big family holiday?

Or you could do a long weekend with her?

SandraOhshair · 19/08/2019 11:33

Sorry I did miss that, I think alternate ones from now on then. Had missed shes already done 3.

brassbrass · 19/08/2019 16:28

I'm starting to feel less and less sorry for your mum here. She's being divisive in her own way. She won't change the dynamic with your brother by continuing to enable him (because despite what she says to you she is getting something out of it) but she's happy to slag him off to you by complaining about his laziness. She doesn't want to go on holiday with him she sees him all the time she wants to holiday with you because you're the performing daughter who will make all the right noises. By painting your brother in a particular light you get to step up. Poor put upon mum.

Amazing manipulation at its best.

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