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Original poster

Can a child know they’re gay at 9?

96 replies

Tweetingmagpie · 14/08/2019 20:24

My daughter told me today she’s a lesbian and she has a crush on a girl at school.

She’s only 9! Is it possible to know this early? Or could it be that she just does t like boys yet and just really loves her friend and is confused for some reason?

I don’t care if she is btw, but I’m just not sure how to handle it because of her age, at the time I just said well that’s fine if you are it doesn’t matter if you like girls or boys but you’re only young and you don’t need to label yourself yet if ever, and I will always love her no matter what choices she makes in life.

This seemed to go down well and I thought I would just leave it be but she’s mentioned it a couple of times again this afternoon in an almost jokey way, and she’s told her brothers and sisters and they’ve all been talking about it.

I know she watches glee at her dads house on her laptop and I know that has a lot about gay relationships on there but I used to watch it and I don’t remember it being inappropriate? (Happy to be corrected) also this alone would t make her say she was gay would it?

She’s not the kind of child who seeks attention by saying outlandish things so i don’t think it’s for attention.

So have I handled it ok? And what do I do going forward?

OP posts:
ohflowerofscotland · 14/08/2019 20:25

My cousin is adamant he "knew" he was gay at 7. So I think they can know their sexuality at that age.

Choice4567 · 14/08/2019 20:26

If she said she had a crush on a boy would you say it was too early and she can’t know if she likes boys yet?

IAskTooManyQuestions · 14/08/2019 20:26

Yes.

Original poster
Tweetingmagpie · 14/08/2019 20:27

No I probably wouldn’t choice, good point.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 14/08/2019 20:29

Did you have crushes at 9? I certainly did. My DS does. She can definitely have a crush on a girl at 9! Whether she's definitely a lesbian or bisexual or even straight will be determined when she's old enough to have sexual and emotional feelings but why wouldn't she be old enough to know who she has crushes on?

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 14/08/2019 20:30

I think you have handled it fine, and you don't need to do anything different going forward. I think 9 is probably too young to know. It may be that she is a lesbian, or not. She won't be having sexual feelings towards anyone yet, but she needs to know that you will accept her whatever, and you have made it clear you will.

mbosnz · 14/08/2019 20:30

At nine, DH and I confided in each other that we wouldn't be surprised if DD was gay.

At ten, she told us she was Bi.

At twelve, she told us she was gay.

Original poster
Tweetingmagpie · 14/08/2019 20:30

The crush in its self isn’t an issue because she moved schools recently so that was t the main part of the conversation, she seems quite certain that she is a lesbian!

Did what I say sound ok?

OP posts:
ConorMcGregorsChin · 14/08/2019 20:31

I'm 48. There were 2 boys in my school at that age who were quite clearly gay. They were bullied for it unfortunately. But that was common in early 80s (Not saying that's acceptable)
Both are openly gay now.

Original poster
Tweetingmagpie · 14/08/2019 20:31

Ok thanks @Dontcarewhatimdoing

OP posts:
Original poster
Tweetingmagpie · 14/08/2019 20:32

Will she get picked on at school for it? Do I encourage her not to be so open with other kids as they won’t understand? That doesn’t feel like the right thing to do but maybe I’m wrong?

OP posts:
HiItsClemFandango · 14/08/2019 20:33

I knew I was bisexual from around 8 so I definitely think she could know

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/08/2019 20:34

Did you know you were straight at 9? I did. Straight for Han Solo. If it had been Leia, maybe I'd be married to a woman now.

Aqueo517 · 14/08/2019 20:35

I had a crush on a girl when I was 10, I’m not gay. I didn’t know what being gay meant at that age,if I had of done then I may well have labelled myself when actually i wasn’t gay at all.

TheCatsACunt · 14/08/2019 20:36

I definitely knew I was straight at 9.

HeadintheiClouds · 14/08/2019 20:37

I really don’t think having a girl crush at 9 means she’s definitely gay. She’s 9...

Choice4567 · 14/08/2019 20:38

Sorry I didn’t mean for my first post to be so blunt!

I think what you said was supportive. I may not have said the part about ‘the choices’ she makes as it might imply to her that being gay or bi is a choice. I think at this young age I’d listen to her and respond with light interest, as with any topic she brings up. That way she’ll always know she can talk to you about anything.

Original poster
Tweetingmagpie · 14/08/2019 20:39

Yeah I didn’t think of that, I did mean in general though not just whether she’s gay or not.

OP posts:
Choice4567 · 14/08/2019 20:41

Then I think you’re muddling through the minefield that is raising just fine Flowers

Choice4567 · 14/08/2019 20:41

Raising children*!

MrsFogi · 14/08/2019 20:42

I had so many girl crushes from about the ages of 8-18. I'm definitely straight now. I think that children are pushed to label themselves very early now. Keep chatting in a non-judgemental way and a way that she knows it is fine whatever her sexual orientation is now and in the future.

madcatladyforever · 14/08/2019 20:44

Well I certainly knew I liked boys at 9 so I don't see why not. Me and my little friends would discuss the boys we liked and I definitely wasn't attracted to girls.
Wait and see how it pans out, nothing is set in stone at this age.

Haworthia · 14/08/2019 20:45

I don’t think it’s possible to fully declare your sexuality when you barely know what sex is, no.

Silvercatowner · 14/08/2019 20:47

I was fairly sure my son was gay when he wasn't much older than 4 or 5 (he's in his 30s). He realised something was 'wrong' (Sad) when he hit school and the quite rigid gendered expectations there. I really hope things are different now.

Rainbowknickers · 14/08/2019 20:47

My son says he knew from a very young age definitely by 9
He’s now come out at 15
I told him I didn’t care if he’s gay straight bi or bright green-he’s my boy and I love him so much just as he is
He’s not got a boyfriend yet but I’m looking forward to meeting him when he does
If any of my other children come out I’ll be just the same with them
As long as they are happy-that’s all that matters