Can a child know they’re gay at 9?

[Tweetingmagpie]

My daughter told me today she’s a lesbian and she has a crush on a girl at school.

She’s only 9! Is it possible to know this early? Or could it be that she just does t like boys yet and just really loves her friend and is confused for some reason?

I don’t care if she is btw, but I’m just not sure how to handle it because of her age, at the time I just said well that’s fine if you are it doesn’t matter if you like girls or boys but you’re only young and you don’t need to label yourself yet if ever, and I will always love her no matter what choices she makes in life.

This seemed to go down well and I thought I would just leave it be but she’s mentioned it a couple of times again this afternoon in an almost jokey way, and she’s told her brothers and sisters and they’ve all been talking about it.

I know she watches glee at her dads house on her laptop and I know that has a lot about gay relationships on there but I used to watch it and I don’t remember it being inappropriate? (Happy to be corrected) also this alone would t make her say she was gay would it?

She’s not the kind of child who seeks attention by saying outlandish things so i don’t think it’s for attention.

So have I handled it ok? And what do I do going forward?

I knew ds was gay before he was 9, it wasn't him saying that he fancied anyone, I knew from the way he acted. He came & told me he thought he was when he was 12, I just told him I loved him whatever he was & not to give himself a label as he had the rest of his life to make his mind up.

At that age they are still growing and developing emotionally and figuring themselves out. Yes of course this could mean she is a lesbian (or bi) and will continue to feel that way into adulthood. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that she won’t realise otherwise when she’s older

I think what you said sounded fine.
My friend knew he was gay from a young age.

I don’t think it’s possible to fully declare your sexuality when you barely know what sex is, no.

The problem is that no one challenges this when it's heterosexual. In fact it's positively shoved on them.

I think what you said sounds fine OP. I had my first same sex crush when I was around 8/9. I knew from then on that I was bisexual, I just didn't know the term for it.

No one questions when children know that they're straight.

My DC1 voiced that they were 'definitely different' by age 10. I'd suspected it since about age 8 as they were very much acting againgst all gender stereotypes. They officially came out to us age 13.

Watching my Dds grow up, they’ve both had friends who proclaimed they were gay, in y6. They are in their mid twenties now and are in heterosexual relationships. However their friends who said they were gay mid teens, are indeed still gay.

I think 9 year olds may know their sexuality, but they also may not, so I think you’ve handled this very well with your Dd.

I knew I was from very young (well I didn’t know the word gay etc) age that I wanted to hold boys hands and kiss boys, then I watched Aladdin, love at first sight, I was 7/8.

I think you've handled it well and if it were one of my kids saying the same I think I'd go along the lines of- you're very young, glad you can talk to me about it but you're a long way off having a girl/ boyfriend yet so when the time comes if you feel the same I'm very happy for you to have a relationship with a boy or girl and will always love you. All said carefully and sensitively.
That said I would be worried about her 'announcing' it to her peers because it's something she can't go back on even though she may or may not have a gay relationship in the future. Kids can be harsh and bullying would be a concern for me- she may like telling her siblings and friends and getting the attention an announcement gets at that age, alongside being 'cool' (as you say she's been watching programmes with gay characters) but if the tide turns and one nasty little sod at school or within her friendship group turns on her it is a big thing for them to use to hurt her. Especially if in 4 or so years' time when she might start having relationships she realises she's straight. Either way really, at 9 she's far too young to deal with the whisperings that are bound to come up at some point about 'The Lesbian' so I'd try to get her to keep it in house for now- whilst treading the fine line of being supportive also.

I thought I might be bi by around 11. Was fairly accurate.

I think you said the right thing. :)

Personally, I don't think a 9 year old has the life experience or knowledge to identify as anything. That's not to say she isn't gay, it's just that she has such limited knowledge to make that decision.

Right now she may have a crush on another girl but it is probably one of her first proper crushes in the very limited circle of people she knows.

I think lots of people will say they knew at a very young age which is fine but there are also a lot of people who had feelings for the same sex at that age but turned out to be straight.

Either way, you are right that there is no need to label herself. She is who she is. The fact she told you so openly is a good thing thoigh. :)

That said I would be worried about her 'announcing' it to her peers because it's something she can't go back on

I’m not sure it’s something she can’t go back on. I know folk who said they were gay and later had heterosexual relationships having never had a same sex relationship. I know folk who said they were straight have same sex relationships having never been with someone of the opposite sex. I think sexuality is such a fluid thing, with lots of pressures to label and define yourself that suggesting that once you’ve told people you can’t go back on it places undue pressure to pin your colours to a mast very early on.

My 6 year old wants to marry his best friend, I’ve said that’s fine but his feelings might change as he gets older and that’s ok too. Now I don’t think for a second he was declaring his sexuality at that age but if he was, the message would still be the same. “ I love you for who you are, whoever you love is ok with me, and changing your mind is always ok too”.

I'm confused about people talking about knowing their child was gay because they didn't act in a gender stereotyped way though.

Gender, gender stereotypes, sexuality and sexual orientation are all completely different things.

but if the tide turns and one nasty little sod at school or within her friendship group turns on her it is a big thing for them to use to hurt her.

It would be a big thing, but I don’t think it’s ok to suggest that children shouldn’t be open about their identity in case they get bullied. My daughter has a physical characteristic that she can’t hide and may at some point be bullied. If that happens I’ll be making it clear that I expect the school to deal with it appropriately and protect my child. I won’t be telling my child to hide her physical appearance in case she gets bullied. Sexuality and identity issues for me are the same, I expect my child to be able to be fully herself and be safe at school, assuming she’s not hurting anyone in the process. I don’t think telling people about sexuality is grounds for bullying and don’t think our kids should be expected to hide themselves for fear of being bullied.

@Standingonceremony I completely agree, they are also the type of people who are almost put out when someone doesn’t fit into their stereotype. I couldn’t fit the mans man stereotype anymore if I tried and I’m gay, my cousin couldn’t fit the disney princess stereotype anymore than she does and shes gay.

Will she get picked on at school for it...
I very much doubt it. People are much more accepting of each now a days, aren’t they. Being Gay isn’t like it was years ago.
If anyone would have cake out when I was at school they’d have been eaten alive and teased or rather bullied beyond belief. Thankfully things have moved on now.

I think that you dealt with it as best you could at the time, however I would say be careful with what language you use such as “label” and choice(like words).

Being gay is neither of those things and could be seen as fairly negative language when discussing sexuality.

Personally at 9 I would have gone with: “thanks for letting me know, I’m here if you have questions but at 9 I feel you’re too young to have a girlfriend”.

Re those doubting how we know with regard to gender and orientation ... well my DC1 is a gender-neutral asexual panromantic. Their gender identity IS linked to their sexuality.

Everyone is different. We know our own kids. Don't try to tell me that I don't.

I sometimes wonder about my sexuality.
I don’t think I’m gay, as I’ve never had a crush on a women and tbh I don’t even really enjoy the company of women (obviously aside from dd)
But I’ve never fancied anyone male either. Not even dp. Yes he’s okay and there must be an attraction there but my heart doesn’t miss a beat and nor do I melt every time he walks into the room.
Even as a teenager I had no pin ups
I’m definitely not a sexual as me and dp enjoy a good healthy sex life. It’s certainly ot something I do just to please dp.

Oh and you handled it very well

@BringOnTheScience no one is saying they are mutually exclusive. They are all part of someone's identity but you can't say a man is gay (sexual orientation) because they preferred playing with dolls (Gender stereotypes) or because they like to wear lacy knickers (sexuality).

As you'll know sexuality is not the same as sexual orientation. They are entwined by not the same.

Jellycats I'm not saying it's right, or that the op's dd doesn't know. I'm saying that kids can and will be cruel, spiteful little beasts and that being 'different' in any way can give a little bully ammunition. I'm not suggesting that anyone should hide away or hide who they are for fear of being bullied but a 9yo doesn't need to announce their sexuality-and I think at 9 they can't, there should be no sexuality. They may have crushes on girls/ boys and they may develop into relationships but I think your sexuality depends on who you have sex with, not something that a 9yo should worry about in a safe, loving environment knowing parents will support you no matter who you go on to love/ have sex with.

I think it’s sad that any child of 9 thinks that liking another child has to be something sexual. It’s ok just to like another child very much.

I think what you said to her was fine. I’ve told all my kids they are not allowed to date until they are in high school. Then when they get to high school I tell them they can’t date until they are 16. This has worked so far .

A colleague didn’t know he was gay until he was 20. He had had girlfriends but something ‘clicked’ with him at college. He is adamant that he had no idea until then.