Can a child know they’re gay at 9?

[Tweetingmagpie]

My daughter told me today she’s a lesbian and she has a crush on a girl at school.

She’s only 9! Is it possible to know this early? Or could it be that she just does t like boys yet and just really loves her friend and is confused for some reason?

I don’t care if she is btw, but I’m just not sure how to handle it because of her age, at the time I just said well that’s fine if you are it doesn’t matter if you like girls or boys but you’re only young and you don’t need to label yourself yet if ever, and I will always love her no matter what choices she makes in life.

This seemed to go down well and I thought I would just leave it be but she’s mentioned it a couple of times again this afternoon in an almost jokey way, and she’s told her brothers and sisters and they’ve all been talking about it.

I know she watches glee at her dads house on her laptop and I know that has a lot about gay relationships on there but I used to watch it and I don’t remember it being inappropriate? (Happy to be corrected) also this alone would t make her say she was gay would it?

She’s not the kind of child who seeks attention by saying outlandish things so i don’t think it’s for attention.

So have I handled it ok? And what do I do going forward?

I think that whilst you could know, just because she has a crush on a girl at 9 doesn't make her gay. Equally a crush on a boy at 9 wouldn't make her straight. Its just a crush, she maybe gay of course but might not. I think you handled it fine.

A few girls came out as gay when I was yr8/9 age and are now with men. One of them even writes a blog which centrals a lot on straight sex. Its not something you can never go back on.

Does glee my have quite a lot of sex undertones? But I think it's good if programmes make her consider gay as valider option as straight, if it does make her say she's gay I think almost glee is doing it's job.

I think at 9 it could be either. Some gay people will know at 9, some people who grow up to be straight will have same sex crushes at 9. I think it’s important that your DD understands that and that either is fine.

I think it’s sad that any child of 9 thinks that liking another child has to be something sexual.

But I think it's OK for a child that young to understand there are different kinds of like/love. DD knows she loves me, loves and wants to marry Finn and loves her best friend. All different. You could argue Finn-love is sexual but it's not really. It's just a relationship distinction.

I had crushes on girls when I was little (7-9) but my mum didn’t really say the right things not did she reassure me it was ok later on when I brought it up. I desperately wanted to please my mum and be ‘normal’ so I completely suppressed it and ended up in a ‘straight’ relationship. I finally couldn’t suppress it any more and am now married to a woman. In hindsight I am how I have always been, but now I feel ok about it. I think the things children tell their parents deserve to be respected and it sounds like you are a very supportive mum.

I suspected my son was gay when he was younger than 9 probably when he was still at nursery, when he was about 9 he told me he was confused and didn't know if he liked boys or girls I just told him that it didn't matter to me if he was gay or not and didn't really push it much more, I used to joke with him sometimes and ask if he'd decided yet, he was about 12 when he told me he was def gay.

Yes lord I have a friend who didn't know he was gay till he was 21!

He says he really had no idea. We spent an entire angsty year talking about this one girl and when to make his move etc. But that fizzled out and then he realised. He says he genuinely thought he fancied girls until he got with a boy for the first time and then realised he didnt

I suppose its possible he always knew and was pretending etc. But he seems pretty genuine when he talks about it.

In that case though I think he was potentially so conditioned to think he was straight that he just didn't consider it? So he blocked it from himself

Thays why I say that if Glee did make her say she's gay it's not a bad thing, because hopefully programmes that present Gay as being something totally mundane almost it will prevent things like my friend.

Its normal for children of that age to have girlfriends or boyfriends. I think if she tells you she thinks she's gay then she probably is.
She might change her mind later or she might not

Standingonceremony that's what I was thinking as I read.

With one of my children, I found myself always saying "if you have a husband or wife" "a boyfriend or girlfriend" when you're a grown-up/ teenager and not assuming he'd be straight. I don't know exactly why I felt the need to automatically leave both options open right from quite an early age..

He's the one of my children who if anything most rigidly follows gender stereotypes and aside from his close in age sister whom he is close to has no close female friends.

Being gay is a sexuality not a personality or personal style or range of hobbies and interests .

It's very odd the way people are implying that gay men are feminine and gay women are masculine, because although of course camp gay men and butch lesbians very much exist, so do masculine gay men and feminine lesbians, and most straight people left to their own devices without social pressure would reject many gender stereotypes because they're stupid tools of either marketing departments or patriarchal and class oppression, depending on your politics (but not your sexuality) obviously...

Branleuse is it? It isn't where I live! Starts at 11 or 12, not 9!

I'm old. In my day it was quite normal to have "girl crushes". They weren't sexual, more like hero worship.

She might be gay, she might not, your answer was perfect.

I knew I felt the same way about Kylie Minogue as I did about Jason Donovan at 6. I'd not heard of lesbian at that age, let alone bi. I presumed everyone felt as I did. It was only when I was around 9 that I realized I was different, and at 12 realised what that meant.

I don't see what the issue is, you don't make a decision to be gay or straight, you either are or aren't. If she says she is a lesbian now and she is actually straight she will figure it out on her own.

Myimaginarycathasfleas yes that was a thing in my girls'school days - girl crushes weren't sexual really, but not completely platonic either. They were also no indication of the future.

However this DD may know or may not.

It doesn't matter really.

The way to handle it is the same IMO - it's no big deal these days, it honestly doesn't matter whether you're attracted to the same or the opposite sex or both.

Any declarations of romantic or sexual interests coming from a 9 year old should be handled respectfully but not taken too seriously IMO, as long as it's a same age peer or an unobtainable tween pop star they're safely having a crush on!

BlueCornish I worded that wrong- I didn't mean she can't go back on it, I meant that once it's been said and her friends have heard it she can't unsay it. So if someone did have a problem with it and picked on her the friends who have heard it will know she's said it and she'll be 'The Lesbian' whether she is or isn't. A 9yo isn't in a position to know, if she still feels like she fancies women when she's of an age that a relationship is something that'll happen she should 'come out' then, not now when she doesn't really have an idea of the concept.

Blimey, I have a 9year old and I can’t imagine anything less likely than her having a crush on anyone, male or female. Actually, having said that she does really like Noel Fielding, which I don’t think she especially indicative of leaning one way or the other, is it?

CassianAndor I can't really imagine any of my children using the word "crush", and the eldest is a teen... Do children/ teens commonly use that vocabulary these days?

I knew I was gay at that age . I had a massive crush on a doctor - Lara - from casualty at age 12 or so , but I knew from 9 that I was totally indifferent to boys ... then I had a Kylie minogue phase ... then it was my best friend at the time . I was told it was an ‘awkward phase’ - definitely not , I’m just a lesbian !! There’s something there when I see a lass I like that I’ve always noticed , it’s not there with men at all really .

When I allowed myself to accept it , didn’t block the feelings out etc , I found myself looking at Caroline Flack of all bloody people on the TV and thinking , ohhh, so that’s what they mean by finding someone a turn on !!

I love what you said to her. We are all people, and we love other people regardless of gender. No need for labels 😊
I came out to my mum at 17, I could tell she didn't like it! I'm now in my 30's and have been in relationships with men since I was 18, but I'm still attracted to women.
I didn't necessarily know when I was younger, but looking back on it now I can see that I was attracted to women iyswim.

I told my parents I was gay at 7 - I’m not but I think I just must have read it somewhere and it stuck in my mind. Either way don’t worry too much. Children do start thinking about things like this at that age in an innocent way x

Honestly I knew I had crushes on boys and girls at that age. I don't think I defined it in any way but the seed was there and that was when they didn't discuss any of this in school until much later

First of all, I am an adult who knew they were bisexual by the time I was around 10, the age of puberty, since this is when most crushes start. (This is important because this thread is full of straight people commenting on their experiences of sexuality but they haven’t actually experienced any degree of homosexuality or growing up with it.)

Please don’t call her ‘confused’, also being gay is not a choice don’t make her feel as if it is, growing up my Mum also spoke about it like that and it made me feel as if I had made the ‘wrong choice’ and disappointed her. If she had a crush on a boy you wouldn’t have made a whole thread about it, so why did you make a thread about this? Yes a nine year old can know they are gay, if a nine year old can know they like boys they can know they like girls. And about Glee making her gay I had to roll my eyes, heterosexuality is on every single tv show, every poster, every video, everywhere you go you see heterosexuality. And yet lesbians exist? Gay people exist? They grew up with heterosexuality thrown in their faces and they weren’t heterosexual so the idea that watching a TV show will make you go is hilarious to me. And all of these women who are saying they had crushes on women and are now straight, ok good for you? If she knows what being a lesbian is and she’s told you she thinks she is one, regardless of knowing how you would react, obviously she’s pretty sure on it at the moment! Obviously there are people who have crushes on women and then eventually are straight but let’s not make this precedent and disbelieve people when they tell you the sexuality they think they are, just because they are young.

Standingonceremony it’s not a decision though? Your post makes it sound like I sat at a table and considered the pros and cons of sexuality using knowledge I had spent years attaining and then made a decision?? I realised I had romantic feelings for both men and women at a young age, I never decided this, only realised it. You need to realise that. It’s just as simple for a child as it is for anyone realising their sexuality. You do not need life experience or knowledge to know you fancy men or women or both.

I really don't think Glee has made your DD gay although the Brittana storyline (Brittany and Santana) had my DD shipping them bless. They get married at the end.
glee.fandom.com/wiki/Brittany-Santana_Relationship
I think you've dealt with it fine - like another pp, I have always said girlfriend or boyfriend with all of mine as a matter of course. I don't know, it just felt right to not make assumptions. They all know I'd be fine with it. I took the view that I'd be very open about names for genitalia, contraception, sexuality etc from the off like they do in Holland so it's done, not embarrassing and less chance of getting pregnant (acc to the stats anyway).
One of mine is never having children.
One of mine is never having a boyfriend or a girlfriend apparently.
One of mine said she had a crush on a girl aged 8 which is no longer the case a year later.
I just say Fair enough to all of them.
The only thing I'm kind of woke about for want of a better word is things like pink/blue and sexist crap on either side. I do mention that.
Trans I have said I'd much prefer they dressed as they wanted, acted as they wanted, called themselves what they wanted but I'd rather they didn't chop bits of themselves off - not so woke of me but one has ASD and was talking about wanting to be a girl when he really just wanted pink shoes.

My cousin is gay, and says he knew from around that age. I’m 5 years older and also knew then that he was gay. In fact my aunt (his mum) told my mum when he was 5 she thought he was gay. So it’s very possible she knows already, but you’re right she’s very young and her feelings may change. I think you handled it brilliantly. She knows now no matter what you are on her side. 💕

I knew I was bi at 11, so not that far off.

I think people need to be careful with the whole “oh you don’t need to put a label on it” thing because sometimes it comes across as “well ok, but don’t tell anyone.” If your daughter came to you and said she was straight or had a crush on a boy, what would you say?

Kids these days are a lot more accepting so I wouldn’t be so worried about bullying but even so- bullying hurts, yes, but I think the feeling that your family don’t accept you or that who you are is something to hide or be ashamed of hurts a lot longer and deeper.

I don’t think it is possible to know for sure until you start having sexual relationships but it’s certainly possible to have an inkling when you start puberty based on who you are attracted to etc.

RE Glee there was quite a bit of teen pregnancy/sex (although not actual sex scenes), drugs etc going on as it progressed. Obviously people will have their own opinions about how appropriate that is for a 9 year old.