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Original poster

SIL driving me insane!

98 replies

Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 04:35

My partner and I got together 2 1/2 years ago I moved in to the family home, his sister hated me from the word go (still unsure as to why)

Fast forward 1 year and she and her partner (also living in the family home) where out right disrespectful towards me and my partner, I found out I was pregnant she wanted me to have an abortion and said I would ruin her brothers life and even tried to kick me out (mil and fil live in Spain so this all happened when they weren’t in the uk)

She would ignore me and just talk to my partner infrount of me use my things without asking and just generally make me feel unwelcome and make my life hell. then she moved to Shanghai for work with her partner without so much as a good bye she left.

Now my son is 8 months old she has not once asked my partner for a photo or an update about my son, no effort has been made to resolve this on her behalf, she messaged my partner out the blue last week saying she was coming to the uk and she wanted to pop in and say hi and meet her nephew!

This got my blood boiling not only did she want me to have an abortion she now wants to swoop in and play the auntie role!

I messaged her telling her that if she wants to meet my son then she needs to apologise to both me and my partner and that a play date will be arranged out side of our home. (I don’t want her toxic vibes in my place of peace)

This wasn’t good enough for her and she has gone to her and my partners mother and told her that we are not letting her see our son (which is cutting out a hell of a lot of detail wouldn’t you agree?) I gave her chance after chance to change her mind and she wouldn’t budge.

I haven’t forgotten what she said and did and if I’m honest it still keeps me up at night when I think about it.

MIL messaged me and my partner today saying that family is important to her daughter is not willing to apologies so I should just forgive and forget the way she treated me and allow her to see my son! Of course I said to her that her daughter was told she needs to apologies for what she has done.

MIL is quite happy to disregard my feelings just so she can have a peaceful life, ultimately this is teaching her daughter that it’s okay to treat people like (rap and theirs no consequence for that Behavior.

Mine and my partners home is my pedants in-laws we live here and cover the bills whilst they stay in Spain. She has made it clear to me that if they are in the uk and her daughter wants to visit then she will not turn them away from the house (my home)

This makes me feel unwelcome yet again and that this is not my home and their are no boundaries or respect in this family. Everybody in the family always sweeps their issues under the carpet instead of dealing with them, I’m unable to do that I’m not that kind of person I hold on to a lot emotion that is not easily let go if I’ve been wronged.

Am I being unreasonable to stop her from seeing my son? My theory is that if she can’t be at least civil with me and my partner then what right does she have to meet my son, all she needs to do is apologies for what she has done and we can try to move forward, but as it stands she is unwilling to.

Am I being out of order?

OP posts:
Original poster
Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 04:37

Side not my partner and his sister have never been close as he says she used to bully him a lot, so It’s not like I’ve come between them.

OP posts:
Brain06626 · 01/08/2019 04:40

This reply has been deleted

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Pepperstripe · 01/08/2019 04:41

The problem is it's not your home. Can you get your own property so you're not beholden to them or under their control?

MarieFromStTropez · 01/08/2019 04:42

I am in a similar position to you. Stand your ground. The PIL will blame you, but just ignore them.

Original poster
Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 04:43

We are staying here so we can save for a mortgage, that aside am I being out of order?

OP posts:
Original poster
Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 04:44

Thankyou! That’s some comfort to know I’m not in this alone x

OP posts:
itswinetime · 01/08/2019 04:45

if You want to keep her away from your son without an apology that's fine you call as his mother.

However it isn't your house it is still in-laws house you are living there yes and yes you are paying bills but are you paying full market rent? So you have a formal rental agreement in place? If you don't then you can't stop you SIL staying there it's up to y parents who! If you don't like that move out then you can completely control who is and isn't in you house!

Pepperstripe · 01/08/2019 04:46

No I don't think you are. But the reason I mention about the property is that it seems you'll be forced to communicate/see SIL if the PIL are home. However your other half should be tackling this, it's his sister! Does he want an easy life too?

Russell19 · 01/08/2019 04:50

Sounds like a lot of drama tbh.

Why don't you and your partner get a house of your own then you decide what goes on in it?

Also, why did she say to get abortion? Is there a massive back story? Or did she just not want you with her brother? Obviously that's an awful thing to say but I think you either cut her out of your life or you just move on. Why does it matter if she apologises? She clearly wouldn't mean it.

HappyLoneParentDay · 01/08/2019 04:51

Get PIL to draw up a formal tenancy agreement. If not, then write to SIL and formally request she stays away. If she doesn't, and begins to harass you, police can issue her with a harassment warning but I guess that could cause issues with PIL.
Either way, you NEED a tenancy agreement. They could turf you out at a moment's notice

Original poster
Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 04:52

Unable to move out at the moment and I desperately want to for the control reasons mentioned.

My partner has backed me on this before he was worried to ruffle a few feathers but now his a father he wants to do what’s best by his family. We don’t pay rent I wanted to offer a contribution so I could have a tenancy agreement but that was ignored because MIL knows she would then lose control legally of the house (they come and go as they please without any respect for eaither of us)

OP posts:
user1483387154 · 01/08/2019 04:53

I can understand you wanting the apology first. however as it's not your house you have no right to turn her away.

Original poster
Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 04:55

She didn’t want me with her brother and was hell bent on me having an abortion and made my life hell when I chose to keep my son.

I think I’ve been the only person in her life to say no to her and to let her know that her attitude is not okay.... and of cause I get the support from her brother that’s honestly the only thing I can put it down to I’ve always tried to include her and be nice to her and she’s just out right rude

OP posts:
Soola · 01/08/2019 04:56

Do you not think that all this drama could have been avoided if right from the start your husband had nipped this animosity from your sister in, in the bud?

It should never have been allowed to get this far. Has he just kept quiet whilst his wife and sister have been at odds or has he actively stood up for you?

Original poster
Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 04:57

I have said to MIL that is her daughter is to visit or stay then I will take me and my son out of the situation and stay else where until they leave as I’m not being forced into that situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 04:58

It went on for a while until he stood up for me and she then backed down whilst we where living together and just ignored both of us diddnt say a word to eaither of us until she left which was better than the arguing but still uncomfortable

OP posts:
Original poster
Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 05:01

I think he only found his strength to stand up to her when he realised he was going to be a father and that his family comes first

OP posts:
FenellaMaxwell · 01/08/2019 05:03

You can’t ban someone from a house that isn’t even yours. And the fact you would think you could is only going to make the situation worse - to her, you’re the cuckoo in the nest. It’s her family home, was her home when you moved in, she’s now moved out and you are banning her? That’s not going to end well.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 01/08/2019 05:04

She doesn't sound particularly nice from the little you've told us but you on the other hand sound impossible to please. Your post is full of contradictions and your determination to find offense in every little thing shines through. Just the way you refer to your child as "my son" rather than "our son" speaks volumes.

Original poster
Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 05:05

We have since moved she has never been to this house I ban her when her parents aren’t here

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 01/08/2019 05:11

I think that's the best bet. You stay away if sil is there.

You can't blame pils for coming and going. It's their house. They are doing you a favour by letting you stay there. I'm not sure you are being appreciative of this. You seem resentful that they want access to their house and think you are entitled to be in their house on your own as its your home. Well it's their home too and they are being generous allowing you to stay there and save. It's your choice. You can't have it all ways.

coolwalking · 01/08/2019 05:20

I think seeing as there is a child involved and a very difficult housing situation , you should meet with your SIL with your respective partners and sort this out.

You said this in your OP "Everybody in the family always sweeps their issues under the carpet instead of dealing with them"

Like it or not you are part of this family now and need to follow your own advice. If, after you have made this effort the ill feelings continue, it might be time for you both to move out and not rely on this family. Totally understand why you are reluctant as you are saving but for the sake of your relationship and child it is worth it.

IvanaPee · 01/08/2019 05:25

It doesn’t matter. You can’t ban her from her parents’ house.

One of the consequences of living rent free.

Why on earth was she so against you having the baby??

I’m confused because you say she’s never shown an interest/asked for a photo. Now she wants to meet him and you don’t want that either...

The only thing you can do is move out so you have control. This isn’t your home. It’s a house your living in for free.

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/08/2019 05:27

As others have said, YANBU to not want your SiL anywhere near your DC. Or to insist on an apology.

But it’s not your home, your PiL, while they are very generous to let their children and partners stay in their property at will they seem to have been very clear that they want to keep control of it. So you know the deal. If you don’t like that you need to find accommodation you pay for like pretty much everyone else does. You are being a bit of a CF to try and ban the daughter or in any other way dictate who the owners of the house allow to stay there.

Russell19 · 01/08/2019 05:53

You can't ban her.... it's not your house, it's her parents house.