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Original poster

SIL driving me insane!

98 replies

Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 04:35

My partner and I got together 2 1/2 years ago I moved in to the family home, his sister hated me from the word go (still unsure as to why)

Fast forward 1 year and she and her partner (also living in the family home) where out right disrespectful towards me and my partner, I found out I was pregnant she wanted me to have an abortion and said I would ruin her brothers life and even tried to kick me out (mil and fil live in Spain so this all happened when they weren’t in the uk)

She would ignore me and just talk to my partner infrount of me use my things without asking and just generally make me feel unwelcome and make my life hell. then she moved to Shanghai for work with her partner without so much as a good bye she left.

Now my son is 8 months old she has not once asked my partner for a photo or an update about my son, no effort has been made to resolve this on her behalf, she messaged my partner out the blue last week saying she was coming to the uk and she wanted to pop in and say hi and meet her nephew!

This got my blood boiling not only did she want me to have an abortion she now wants to swoop in and play the auntie role!

I messaged her telling her that if she wants to meet my son then she needs to apologise to both me and my partner and that a play date will be arranged out side of our home. (I don’t want her toxic vibes in my place of peace)

This wasn’t good enough for her and she has gone to her and my partners mother and told her that we are not letting her see our son (which is cutting out a hell of a lot of detail wouldn’t you agree?) I gave her chance after chance to change her mind and she wouldn’t budge.

I haven’t forgotten what she said and did and if I’m honest it still keeps me up at night when I think about it.

MIL messaged me and my partner today saying that family is important to her daughter is not willing to apologies so I should just forgive and forget the way she treated me and allow her to see my son! Of course I said to her that her daughter was told she needs to apologies for what she has done.

MIL is quite happy to disregard my feelings just so she can have a peaceful life, ultimately this is teaching her daughter that it’s okay to treat people like (rap and theirs no consequence for that Behavior.

Mine and my partners home is my pedants in-laws we live here and cover the bills whilst they stay in Spain. She has made it clear to me that if they are in the uk and her daughter wants to visit then she will not turn them away from the house (my home)

This makes me feel unwelcome yet again and that this is not my home and their are no boundaries or respect in this family. Everybody in the family always sweeps their issues under the carpet instead of dealing with them, I’m unable to do that I’m not that kind of person I hold on to a lot emotion that is not easily let go if I’ve been wronged.

Am I being unreasonable to stop her from seeing my son? My theory is that if she can’t be at least civil with me and my partner then what right does she have to meet my son, all she needs to do is apologies for what she has done and we can try to move forward, but as it stands she is unwilling to.

Am I being out of order?

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 01/08/2019 05:57

Do you not have enough savings yet? Have you got a help to buy account? Can you all stay elsewhere (and lock up anything precious) when she comes to visit? An empty room contains no argument

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 01/08/2019 06:00

Of course your PIL come and go as they please- it's their home!

You don't get to ban people from other people's homes. If you don't want to see her, then move out for the duration of her visit. Or be an adult and find your own home where you can call the shots.

How can you be simultaneously offended by her not asking for photos (not showing an interest) and wanting to meet him (showing an interest)? Exactly what do you want from her here?

Your partner should be dealing with his family. You sound like you're all enmeshed and in each other's pockets.

Nautiloid · 01/08/2019 06:10

She does sound difficult, but so do you. You seem to have trouble seeing things from others' viewpoints and you are fuelling this drama.
Either move out, pay your own way and have more control, or stay and suck it up. I can't believe you're complaining that your PIL 'come and go as they please' in their own home.

AllyBamma · 01/08/2019 06:30

I understand what you’re saying. She didn’t want your baby to even exist before he was born and hasn’t shown any interest since. So why should you bow down now that all of a sudden she wants to meet DS just because it suits her now? Stuff that! I wouldn’t want her having anything to do with my kids before an apology at the very least.

Agree that it’s unfortunate your home is PILs house so you really don’t have a say who comes and goes. However, you do have a say who comes into contact with your son and I would be making sure you’re both well out of the house while SIL is visiting. Is she just coming for the day, or staying over? If it’s the latter then I’d be finding relatives to stay with while she’s there. Keep reminding people that were it up to SIL, DS would have been aborted so has no right to have any relationship with him as things stand at the moment. Keep putting the ball back in SILs court by reminding the family who are so hell bent on ‘keeping the peace’ that all that is needed is an apology, then SIL looks like the unreasonable one.

Good luck and stick to your guns!

liitlepenguin · 01/08/2019 06:40

I understand why you are annoyed but it's not your house. It's your in-laws, are you all quite Youngblood's? It all sounds very dramatic

If you really don't want to meet SIl vote with your feet. Move out a get your own place

liitlepenguin · 01/08/2019 06:41

*young

Thegracefuloctopus · 01/08/2019 06:52

I've found that uncles and aunties without children don't get how much it hurts when they swan in and out of your child's life and expect the child to be excited to see them.
If I were you, I would say that's fine, its pil house and they won't have her told she can't go there. So let her come but just happen to be out with your son at the time. Keeps the peace and you win. I also wouldn't want her meeting my child given her previous stance on the matter. You pil can say she is allowed to come to the house but they cannot say you and your ds have to be there at the time. Good luck

GemmeFatale · 01/08/2019 07:41

You sound very young, and quite rude.

You met a bloke and moved into his parents house where you pay no rent to save for a house deposit. Instead of using that amazing opportunity to aggressively save you instead decide to have a baby while still living off the in laws.

Most people at this point would remind you this favour was meant to give you a leg up in life not just let you have the easy life sponging of them and adding additional people to pay for. Instead your generous in laws move house and take you all with them.

And now you’re complaining that they use the house they bought and paid for when they’re in the UK? You’re objecting to them offering some hospitality to their own child (one who presumably isn’t living off her parents if she had a job and home overseas)? I think someone shouldn’t be welcome to any more generosity from your in laws, but it’s not their daughter that should be turned away from their place.

Perhaps his sister suggested an abortion because she knew you’d continue to sponge off her parents and she wanted to look out for them? It seems you and your husband haven’t really abided by the agreement to save for a deposit if two and a half years later you still don’t have a good pot of savings and have instead added a child you can’t afford to house into the mix.

IvanaPee · 01/08/2019 08:23

You met a bloke and moved into his parents house where you pay no rent to save for a house deposit. Instead of using that amazing opportunity to aggressively save you instead decide to have a baby while still living off the in laws.

Hmm. I can see why the SIL would dislike you when you consider the above.

user1493413286 · 01/08/2019 08:28

Not being out of order at all; if she comes to your home then you either don’t answer the door or go out with your baby.

IvanaPee · 01/08/2019 08:29

She’s not coming to OP’s home. She’s coming to her parents’ home.

Letseatgrandma · 01/08/2019 08:30

Goodness me, you seem like hard work!

You have no say in who comes in and out of this house as it’s not yours! You don’t even pay rent. You must have a small fortune saved by now-use that and move out.

ShabbaDo · 01/08/2019 08:31

Echoing others. It's not your home, you don't even pay rent!
You cannot ban DPs sister from her parents home.
Your in laws can come and go as they please - it's their home!!

You are sounding like a total CF.

Teachermaths · 01/08/2019 08:34

It's not your house, it's theirs. If they want her to visit they are more than welcome. Use the money you have saved and move the fuck out.

Tbh I'm surprised they haven't kicked you out with your childish attitude.

user1493494961 · 01/08/2019 08:37

Too much drama, I suspect you're both as bad as each other.

Eustasiavye · 01/08/2019 08:38

I agree with what's been said.
Hey your own place.
Don't meet sil if you don't want to.
Go out with your baby if she calls round.

user1493413286 · 01/08/2019 08:40

IvanaPee yes but if her parents aren’t there then she’s only coming to see the baby. So yes she can come in if she has a key but the OP doesn’t need to welcome her in or be there.
GemmeFatale The way I’ve read your comment is that it was ok/understandable for the sil to suggest an abortion and try to kick her out while pregnant? Whether the sil agrees or not with the OPs choices it’s not her place to say and do these things. She was obviously also living there quite happily prior to moving abroad.

If your parents in law have agreed she can stay then there’s not much you can do and as you’ve said your choice is to stay elsewhere.
I’m surprised by all the responses on here; if someone had made my life a misery and wanted me to abort my child then I wouldn’t then facilitating them having a relationship with my child if they weren’t even willing to apologise.

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/08/2019 08:43

As it stands it sounds like you can't stop her coming into the house. If you want that right you need to move out even if that is difficult. I do think she should apologise, does your MIL know exactly what her daughter said?

saraclara · 01/08/2019 08:45

You want it all ways. You want her to show an interest, she shows an interest, you don't like that either.

You're stirring up a massive amount of family drama to no purpose. If I was your pil I'd be thinking of throwing you out of my house.

Why on earth did you not take sil's interest at face value and show willing? If the meeting didn't go well, THEN you'd have had a leg to stand on. But you went looking for trouble and have just made yourself the bad guy.

SnuggyBuggy · 01/08/2019 08:53

Didn't you think about what it would actually be like to have a baby while living with your in laws?

I agree with others, if you want to avoid SIL you'll have to go out or stay somewhere else whilst she is here.

newmomof1 · 01/08/2019 09:00

I think your 'she wanted me to have an abortion so she doesn't deserve to know my son' argument is bizarre.
She may have just been a protective big (I presume) sister. Was the baby planned?
Does that really mean she doesn't get to see her brothers son?
Would your DP be happy for her to see the baby if you weren't so opposed to it?

I think you should just swallow your pride. You can't choose your family - does that mean your little boy should have to miss out on knowing his?

Juells · 01/08/2019 09:00

Pay your own way in your own house, then you won't have to put up with anything from anyone. It all sounds very dramatic and overblown, and I'm afraid you sound very entitled. No wonder your partner's mother isn't having much to do with you - you're squatting in her house, laying down the law and using your child as emotional blackmail.

GemmeFatale · 01/08/2019 09:03

User, well yes.

If my sibling and partner moved back into the family home to save for a house and then announced a pregnancy I wouldn’t necessarily tell them to abort. But I would ask some questions about how they planned to house their growing family without taking the piss out of our parents. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to suggest people don’t have children they can’t afford.

There’s also quite a difference between living with your parents as an adult before getting yourself a job and a place of your own, and living with your partner’s parents, expecting them to continue to provide a home for your expanding family while acting terribly ungrateful, not holding your end of the deal up and making unreasonable demands.

IfThisWasOurHouse · 01/08/2019 09:15

I think you have already suggested the solution when you've spoken to your MIL. you find somewhere else to stay whilst SIL is visiting. Of course, MIL may suggest you then just stay out for preventing her daughter from seeing your child. As pp have said, it's not your house, it IS hers and SIL is her daughter

fedup21 · 01/08/2019 09:17

I would love to hear the SIL or even the MIL’s side of this.

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