Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

SIL driving me insane!

98 replies

Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 04:35

My partner and I got together 2 1/2 years ago I moved in to the family home, his sister hated me from the word go (still unsure as to why)

Fast forward 1 year and she and her partner (also living in the family home) where out right disrespectful towards me and my partner, I found out I was pregnant she wanted me to have an abortion and said I would ruin her brothers life and even tried to kick me out (mil and fil live in Spain so this all happened when they weren’t in the uk)

She would ignore me and just talk to my partner infrount of me use my things without asking and just generally make me feel unwelcome and make my life hell. then she moved to Shanghai for work with her partner without so much as a good bye she left.

Now my son is 8 months old she has not once asked my partner for a photo or an update about my son, no effort has been made to resolve this on her behalf, she messaged my partner out the blue last week saying she was coming to the uk and she wanted to pop in and say hi and meet her nephew!

This got my blood boiling not only did she want me to have an abortion she now wants to swoop in and play the auntie role!

I messaged her telling her that if she wants to meet my son then she needs to apologise to both me and my partner and that a play date will be arranged out side of our home. (I don’t want her toxic vibes in my place of peace)

This wasn’t good enough for her and she has gone to her and my partners mother and told her that we are not letting her see our son (which is cutting out a hell of a lot of detail wouldn’t you agree?) I gave her chance after chance to change her mind and she wouldn’t budge.

I haven’t forgotten what she said and did and if I’m honest it still keeps me up at night when I think about it.

MIL messaged me and my partner today saying that family is important to her daughter is not willing to apologies so I should just forgive and forget the way she treated me and allow her to see my son! Of course I said to her that her daughter was told she needs to apologies for what she has done.

MIL is quite happy to disregard my feelings just so she can have a peaceful life, ultimately this is teaching her daughter that it’s okay to treat people like (rap and theirs no consequence for that Behavior.

Mine and my partners home is my pedants in-laws we live here and cover the bills whilst they stay in Spain. She has made it clear to me that if they are in the uk and her daughter wants to visit then she will not turn them away from the house (my home)

This makes me feel unwelcome yet again and that this is not my home and their are no boundaries or respect in this family. Everybody in the family always sweeps their issues under the carpet instead of dealing with them, I’m unable to do that I’m not that kind of person I hold on to a lot emotion that is not easily let go if I’ve been wronged.

Am I being unreasonable to stop her from seeing my son? My theory is that if she can’t be at least civil with me and my partner then what right does she have to meet my son, all she needs to do is apologies for what she has done and we can try to move forward, but as it stands she is unwilling to.

Am I being out of order?

OP posts:

sonjadog · 01/08/2019 14:43

How come your partner gets to be the one who decides where you live? You are an equal partner in your relationship. Sit down and make a plan that works for both pf you.

Original poster

Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 14:47

I have no idea I bring it up alot and he says no he wants to save for a place of our own.

I want to move out and not have to rely on his parents ect...

He is dead against renting

OP posts:

IvanaPee · 01/08/2019 15:11

Because he’s a scrounger. How attractive...🙄

Original poster

Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 15:16

Easy for you to say that your not in the situation sitting behind your keyboard

OP posts:

Nautiloid · 01/08/2019 15:17

That's an awesome amount of savings for that time period. Do you have a number in mind you want to get to? Might help you if there's an end in sight. I couldn't live with my in laws either but at the same time you're essentially a guest in their home so you probably just have to grit your teeth unless you want to put your foot down about moving out.
How does your partner feel about his sister visiting?

SnuggyBuggy · 01/08/2019 15:20

Have you considered that his parents for whatever reason don't want you to move out? Maybe they want you available to care for them in old age or provide company. If your DH isn't willing to come up with some sort of deadline or amount in savings for you to move out I would be very concerned.

BurnedToast · 01/08/2019 15:38

Too late now, but I would have just gone with it for the reason I'm living in the parents house so don't get to tell the SIL she can't visit her own parents home. I agree what she said was awful, but to be honest she may have seen it as better given the position you were in when you fell pregnant. Perhaps she feels you're taking advantage of her parents and brother by living rent free. I also wouldn't hold it against someone for not showing interest in a baby when they live miles away and don't have children themselves. Babies are generally only of so much interest, and less so if they're not in front of you.

However, that's all too late now so if I were you I'd look to fix this situation by clearing the air. Meet SIL and tell her how you feel but you'd like to move forward. There's no point creating WW3 in a family whose helping you as much as they are. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

FookMeFookYou · 01/08/2019 15:58

It is your home but it's not your house so ultimately they would be within their rights to do as they please when they return from the UK.

Find yourself somewhere else to live so you are not so dependent on them and at risk of conceding every time the SIL, MIL, whoever stamps their foot.

Your child is your child and what you say goes. Unless the SIL is willing to explain her behaviour and apologise then I wouldn't have her either.

Incidentally I don't speak to my IL's as they are also of the twat variety

Soola · 01/08/2019 16:07

You’re holding a grudge rightly or wrongly.

If I was you I would think about your being on your high horse and the impact it will have as your child grows up.

Calm down a bit and give her the chance to meet her nephew and if all goes well the child may well be the one that bonds you all together.

If she’s still bitching at you then you’ve done your bit and you can tell your partner that he can be the one to entertain her next time whilst taking care of your son as you will be out or up in your bedroom whilst she’s there.

Also you need to tell your partner that you need to be independent from his parents even if it means you will be tight for money. At the moment you are always beholden to them and that’s not a good family dynamic.

SaraNade · 01/08/2019 16:44

You are definitely not being unreasonable about not allowing your SIL to see your son. And I don't agree she offered you an olive branch. She didn't even acknowledge you when she mentioned she her nephew, and she never apologised. She should approach it the proper way, and since she hasn't apologised, then you are right to assume her attitude towards you, the mother of her nephew, has not changed. Hence, you are well within your rights to say you are not comfortable with SIL seeing him.

However, I really do think you need to get out of that house. Even if it means splitting from DP. If he won't take your insistence that you live somewhere else seriously, then I think splitting would be the best idea. And I never recommend a young couple with a baby split, but seriously this is NOT an ideal living situation. It is no way to live. You are getting stressed, the baby will pick up on it. Seriously, the mortgage is not worth it. It is not worth this. The entire situation sounds like a joke. I don't understand why DP couldn't have moved into your apartment. I would rather rent in a tiny place and struggle for a bit, than live one more day in that house. It's all so dysfunctional, almost like some type of commune with everyone living there and coming and going, except a really toxic one. Truly, the mortgage is not worth this, and no man is worth this. You need to build a life for yourself and your son, because it seems like there is no prospect your DP will ever want to leave his family compound and give you freedom and peace. I would much rather be alone and renting, than bring up my child in this atmosphere. In fact, I'd rather be alone full stop, than live the life you live for one day. Give DP an ultimatum - you both get out now, or you and son are leaving. Mean it, and don't look back. There is not future with this man if he'd rather you be miserable at this dysfunctional compound where people come and go and abuse you, than have your own place but paying rent. What price do you put on security, sanity, and a peaceful life? And an atmosphere where you aren't disrespected? No free rent in the world is worth it.

SaraNade · 01/08/2019 16:45

*mentioned she would like to see her nephew

SaraNade · 01/08/2019 16:49

Forgot to say that 'there are no such things as free lunches in this world' as the saying goes, and there is always a price to pay for getting free rent. Or free anything. You are get a home rent free, but, at what cost?
To me, that price is simply far far too high a price to pay. Get out today if you can.

Original poster

Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 18:11

ive been messaging partner at work today that we need to chat about moving out and that its a serious situation now, i have a feeling he will digg his heels in the mug, he previously said his looking out for our financal feauter.....we come from very diffrent backgrounds, me growing up on a council easte, second hand clothes, public school, social housing, and benifits at one time,

him, growing up in a wealthy area of our area ( where the investment bankers live, doctors ect..) always new clothing, private school, ski trips, ect...

i am used to having little money and it wouldnt bother me in the slightest to have a little 2 bed.....this is not good enough for my partner or his family and turn their nose up at the idea every time its mentioned.

i agree with you that at what cost is the deal! no its not worth my sainty.securtiy. ect....

your right that the housing situation needs to be sorted once and for all.

OP posts:

fedup21 · 01/08/2019 18:26

You went to public school?

Original poster

Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 18:30

also with regards to an erlier message,

no i dont think its to help out in old age, they use the house like a pit stop if you like, whilst their in the uk,

i think it has more to do with MIL feeling uncomftable renting house out to strangers she doesnt even like strangers in her house full stop weather it be here or abroad, and then she also wouldnt have anywhere to stay whilst in the uk. or a uk adress for her post.

if moved out she would still have to cover standing charges, council tax ect... for a house that isnt even in use, so in a round about way we are helping eachother out.

but no i dont think its as clear cut as they have put a roof over your head...i wanted to rent when i found out i was pregnant (they still needed a house in the uk) and said no renting it will be your home and we just come and stay every now and then,.....it has been made clear to me that this is not my home, its a house im living in.

OP posts:

Original poster

Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 18:33

yes i want to public (normal schools)
my partner went to private schools

OP posts:

BanditoShipman · 01/08/2019 18:35

HE went to private school, not Op, obviously

Original poster

Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 18:37

yes he went to private school.

OP posts:

fedup21 · 01/08/2019 18:52

OP said she went to public school. What she meant was state school, presuming she’s in England.

Thank you for the clarification, OP.

Original poster

Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 20:24

yes state school, sorry for the confusion

OP posts:

BurnedToast · 02/08/2019 09:21

I think give your different backgrounds and the snobbery you describe about the family, then perhaps the sister thinks your not good enough for her brother. You know what will settle this all OP? Hold your head up high and be the bigger person. Kill her with kindness and clear the air.
You're unlikely to be friends, but at least don't behave in such a way that anyone could accuse you of being a trouble maker. The problem with confronting her in any way is it will reaffirm her argument that you're not good enough and you're in the minority as the guest in the situation.

For what it's worth I think the sister has behaved terribly and does owe you an apology, but I think he trouble you will cause for yourself by trying to get it is not worth it.

Play the long game and behave impeccably whilst the sister throws her toys our of the pram and shows herself up.

As for the house, I think you should stay there. You're helping the parents out by looking after it and it allows them to still stay in their own home when they return. You and your partner get to save. Just make sure your half of the savings is protected should you ever spilt because you are in a vulnerable position.

MorrisZapp · 02/08/2019 09:33

Who has the energy for this much drama? So someone you're not related to was a bit of a cow once and now wants to visit her brother. So what? Go for a walk while she visits. Your 8 month old won't remember her after she leaves.

BTW, my sister got pregnant at a young age and I advised her to terminate. She chose to have the baby, who is my adored niece who I'm like a second mum to. These are not opposing actions by me.

TheRLodger · 02/08/2019 09:39

Is the new house still in the same area as where your SIl grew up? If that's the case think she went I want to go back to UK to visit old friends perhaps there s a wedding or something happening. Instead of forking out for a hotel she wants to stay at her dp's house. Perhaps going to Singapore has made her realise how important family is and wants to try and reconcile with you.

Also, if friends are still around then you probably wont see her much anyway because she will be catching up with them

Yes what she said in the past was out of order. But you need to accept that you are living in her family home where she has always been welcome.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread