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Original poster

SIL driving me insane!

98 replies

Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 04:35

My partner and I got together 2 1/2 years ago I moved in to the family home, his sister hated me from the word go (still unsure as to why)

Fast forward 1 year and she and her partner (also living in the family home) where out right disrespectful towards me and my partner, I found out I was pregnant she wanted me to have an abortion and said I would ruin her brothers life and even tried to kick me out (mil and fil live in Spain so this all happened when they weren’t in the uk)

She would ignore me and just talk to my partner infrount of me use my things without asking and just generally make me feel unwelcome and make my life hell. then she moved to Shanghai for work with her partner without so much as a good bye she left.

Now my son is 8 months old she has not once asked my partner for a photo or an update about my son, no effort has been made to resolve this on her behalf, she messaged my partner out the blue last week saying she was coming to the uk and she wanted to pop in and say hi and meet her nephew!

This got my blood boiling not only did she want me to have an abortion she now wants to swoop in and play the auntie role!

I messaged her telling her that if she wants to meet my son then she needs to apologise to both me and my partner and that a play date will be arranged out side of our home. (I don’t want her toxic vibes in my place of peace)

This wasn’t good enough for her and she has gone to her and my partners mother and told her that we are not letting her see our son (which is cutting out a hell of a lot of detail wouldn’t you agree?) I gave her chance after chance to change her mind and she wouldn’t budge.

I haven’t forgotten what she said and did and if I’m honest it still keeps me up at night when I think about it.

MIL messaged me and my partner today saying that family is important to her daughter is not willing to apologies so I should just forgive and forget the way she treated me and allow her to see my son! Of course I said to her that her daughter was told she needs to apologies for what she has done.

MIL is quite happy to disregard my feelings just so she can have a peaceful life, ultimately this is teaching her daughter that it’s okay to treat people like (rap and theirs no consequence for that Behavior.

Mine and my partners home is my pedants in-laws we live here and cover the bills whilst they stay in Spain. She has made it clear to me that if they are in the uk and her daughter wants to visit then she will not turn them away from the house (my home)

This makes me feel unwelcome yet again and that this is not my home and their are no boundaries or respect in this family. Everybody in the family always sweeps their issues under the carpet instead of dealing with them, I’m unable to do that I’m not that kind of person I hold on to a lot emotion that is not easily let go if I’ve been wronged.

Am I being unreasonable to stop her from seeing my son? My theory is that if she can’t be at least civil with me and my partner then what right does she have to meet my son, all she needs to do is apologies for what she has done and we can try to move forward, but as it stands she is unwilling to.

Am I being out of order?

OP posts:

Snappedandfarted2019 · 01/08/2019 09:25

GemmeFatale hit the nail on the head. You haven't been together very long and literally moved into the family home to save and got pregnant straight away. You seem to think its you're home you're house when you dont even pay rent. I'm wondering if you got you're feet under the table so much so you sil eventually moved out. You have no right to dictate who goes in that family home, she has more right that you do at the moment. I would suggest finding you're own home and being independent.

Thymeout · 01/08/2019 09:41

I don't think it's ever right to use a child as a bargaining chip. He's not your possession. He's your dp's child, too, and a person in his own right. It's not up to you to control which of his relatives he's able to have a relationship with.

It seems as if your sil was living in her parents' house with her dp and then you and her db moved in. I can see why she wasn't over the moon about this. Did she have any say in sharing her home with a stranger? It's a tricky situation all round.

And then you got pregnant. How old are you? It sounds as if it wasn't a great idea if you and dp weren't able to afford to rent your own place and now there would be an additional strain on your finances and less chance of being able to buy your own property. No matter how lovely ds is, to his parents, it's not easy sharing a house with someone's else's newborn, particularly if she'd regarded it as her home before.

She may well be a cow, but you don't seem to be able to see anyone's pov except your own.

Demanding an apology is childish. It might suit you to cause a permanent rift with your dp's family, but it's not fair on your dp and your ds in the future. If you don't want to see her, fair enough, tho' long term you'll be cutting your nose off to spite your face. Just go out, but leave the baby behind and let your dp make up his own mind.

SnuggyBuggy · 01/08/2019 09:51

To be fair if SIL lives abroad and treats the OP poorly its not like they are going to have much of a relationship. I don't think this child is going to miss out by not seeing SIL.

fedup21 · 01/08/2019 09:52

How old were you when you moved into their house?

Teddybear45 · 01/08/2019 09:59

If my brother and sil were financially dependent on my parents and then announced a pregnancy, I might have suggested the same to them. I think you need to take a step back and assess your situation objectively. I’m Indian and from a culture where kids may live with parents as adults but aren’t financially dependent on them, and even I’m struggling to sympathise with you. I think you need to make in-roads to improve your relationship with your sil while you are living in your in law’s house.

Orchardgreen · 01/08/2019 10:09

I wouldn’t want to see you either if I was your SIL.

sonjadog · 01/08/2019 10:43

If you don’t want to see her, go somewhere else while she is visiting. No more drama and big conversations - just go somewhere.

It sounds like you need an adjustment of your attitude to where you live. Instead of thinking of it as your home where you call the shots, think of it as a temporary place you are living at while you save. Never forget it is your iLs’ home, not yours.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 01/08/2019 12:17

I think OP checked out when she didn't hear what she wanted.

Oh, and we're all banned from her in-laws house now.

Luckybe40 · 01/08/2019 12:40

wishing

Original poster

Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 13:56

At the old house I was the only person paying rent I suggested a tenancy agreement when we moved here and to pay rent and it fell on deaf ear.

I have gone out my way to include sister in law in the past without any luck, she has shown no interest in OUR son till now.

Parents in law have been good to us but I have mentioned on several occasions I want to move out so we can have our own life and again it falls on deaf ears!

I had my own flat when I moved in with the family and decided to give it up as it was coating to much and I was rarely their, it was actually parents ilaw that suggested it.

So I'm not sure where the idea that I'm sponging off them is coming from as I have tried to pay rent since living here and she doesn't want it. And doesn't want to give a tenancy agreement eaither.

Both in-laws are against us renting a place as they want us to save for a mortgage something that has been drilled in to my partner.

So my options are somewhat limited.

As regards to sister in-law she's never paid rent nor her partner sponged of me and my partner in the past and stole from us.

So yes I maybe very narrow minded and may see my own point of view concerning sister in law but as far as I'm concerned I've offered her an olive branch to put things right and she's not interested.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 01/08/2019 13:59

Take back control of your life. All this talk of the idea of you moving out "falling on deaf ears", PiL being "against us renting a place". It isn't their decision to make. It isn't something you need their permission to do. You are an adult and you run your life. If you want to move, then you move.

IvanaPee · 01/08/2019 14:02

@Katie1118 but you still had a baby whilst living rent free in someone else’s home.

Why do your in-laws get to decide where you live? Nobody can stop you moving out...

fedup21 · 01/08/2019 14:02

but I have mentioned on several occasions I want to move out so we can have our own life and again it falls on deaf ears

Don’t be pathetic-it’s not up to anyone else whether you move out or not but you!

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 01/08/2019 14:05

How old are you?

You don't need permission to move out.

You're all in each other's pockets, get some space and be a normal couple.

saraclara · 01/08/2019 14:09

as far as I'm concerned I've offered her an olive branch to put things right and she's not interested.

I don't see any olive branch. All I've seen is "Apologise to me or you don't see your nephew - and even if you apologise do you're not allowed in the home that actually belongs to your parents"

If you think that's an olive branch, you're actually nuts.

fedup21 · 01/08/2019 14:21

I don't see any olive branch. All I've seen is "Apologise to me or you don't see your nephew - and even if you apologise do you're not allowed in the home that actually belongs to your parents"

Exactly, that’s not an olive branch, OP-it’s a threat!

Original poster

Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 14:27

If my partner will not move out to rent because then we won't be able to save up for a mortgage then really.... Your suggestions of don't be so pathetic and just move out are just useless comments.

And yes I have offered her an olive branch to sort things out appoliges to each other and move on.

Without it their is no mutual respect, it allows her to openly disrespect me infrount of my son and that's not okay.

I have never said to mother in-law that icexspect her to turn her daughter away. But she has no reason to visit if her parents aren't here as her brother an I have nothing to say to her untill we can sit down and sort things out. I'm sorry but if someone is openly hateful towards you, you don't welcome them with open arms you expect an apology.

Our son is not a bargain chip but everybody else in his life has made an effort to ask how he is ect... And to get along with me and my partner .... She is the only person who treats not only myself but my partner like a piece a crap....so why should we involve her in our life and our sons life when she's caused alot of damage an won't take responsibility for her actions.

OP posts:

Chochito · 01/08/2019 14:30

I haven't read the full thread, apologies.

How old is SIL? Sounds like very immature behaviour.

I was infuriated by my former SIL, and it contributed to the end of my marriage, (she did not behave as appallingly as yours, OP), but looking back I see that most of the issues were down to immaturity, as she was young and also lacked life experience.

Original poster

Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 14:31

SIL is 28 my partner an I are 25

OP posts:

Soola · 01/08/2019 14:32

Maybe her wanting to see her nephew is her way of accepting the alleged olive branch?

Nautiloid · 01/08/2019 14:33

So in 2.5 years saving say £700 a month of what would have been rent you should have around £20k now.
I'd be tempted either to look for a property if they are available in your area for around £200k, or rent and try to keep saving £100 a month for a while. Clearly living with your PIL isn't suiting you.
Of course, if it were me, I wouldn't have saved anywhere near £20k because I'm not good at saving. If this is the case for you guys, there's no point you being there anyway, so...

marvellousnightforamooncup · 01/08/2019 14:33

In your situation I'd keep my head down, nod and smile, engage with them as little as possible whilst saving like fuck to move out. Then you can never see your SIL again if that's what you want.

Original poster

Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 14:36

2.5 years is wrong!

We all lived at the old house

Partner an I have started to save when I found out I was pregnant so around 1.5 years give or take we have 13k saved but obviously things like car repairs and servicing aren't cheap.

Not to mention costs for baby, we have a budget that we are strict with but it still doesn't leave much left over each month after bills and savings.

OP posts:

saraclara · 01/08/2019 14:38

I think it's SIL that offered the olive branch. You threw it back in her face.

Original poster

Katie1118 · 01/08/2019 14:41

Maybe but the damage was just just left for well over a year without a word from her

You don't say all those things move to another country and then come back and not expect their to be hurt feelings and pretend you can just carry on like nothing happened.

OP posts:

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