Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Do you consider your in laws family?

117 replies

Firefly111 · 26/07/2019 07:32

As the title really...I’ve seen numerous threads where posters refer to their in-laws as not being family and I’m just interested if this is a popular view!

OP posts:
FreddyFazbear · 26/07/2019 08:53

I suppose I think of them as family, because of their relationship to my DC, but not MY family, if that makes sense. Maybe if I liked them more .... Plus the fact that DP and I are not married, so I didn't marry into their family as such. I like, and need the sense of separation as they are mostly bonkers and not in a quirky, endearing way. They almost certainly think the same thing about me though!

FiveGoMadInDorset · 26/07/2019 08:53

My DH’s brothers wife and their children yes, DH’s brother, dad and sister no.

FreddyFazbear · 26/07/2019 08:55

Just realised my post is irrelevant as they are not my actual in-laws!! Known them for 31 years though.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
YouJustDoYou · 26/07/2019 08:56

Apart from dh's brother, no.

Willyoubuymeahouseofgold · 26/07/2019 09:00

No, they are my partner's and children's family but never mine. If we ever split up let's face it , it wouldn't be me they'd care about . My family would have my back.

Atlasta · 26/07/2019 09:01

No. They are my DC's grandparents and OH's family. We are very different and I feel a lot of jealousy and resentment from them towards me. OH's sisters rarely bother with the DC and although his parents are quite 'hands on' I'll never class them as part of the family unlike my family who I actively involve.

Mummaofmytribe · 26/07/2019 09:03

Nope. Relations are cordial (now) and I am quite fond of FIL who's always been kind and polite. But too many nasty digs from MIL when I was young and SIL is a fruit loop - in a nasty way. So I'm definitely polite, do the wifework of marking birthdays etc but no real feeling of family whatsoever.

TildaKauskumholm · 26/07/2019 09:10

Not really, and I think they feel the same about me (after 20 years). They are very formal people, and going to visit them is like being with strangers, not family. I find it weird and uncomfortable. Eg, I cannot imagine getting a drink if I need one, can't laze about, we all sit bolt upright in a circle round the TV, which FIL puts on to watch sport(very loudly) after the first 10 minutes of conversation. If DH and I dare to speak the the volume goes up, so we both read stuff on our phones. When there is a break in the sport FIL mutes the TV and says it's rude for us to be looking at our phones.... whenever I have pointed out that it's no different to him looking at his screen, the atmosphere got very frosty. After our 2 hour drive we are not offered any refreshments until it is their designated teatime. After the first couple of times I asked DH why he can't go and make us a drink and he said he didn't want to 'upset' them as they like their routine. I now take a water bottle in with me. So no, not family, and I go as little as possible now.

TwistofFate · 26/07/2019 09:11

Sadly not, but mostly because they've always been a bit distant and disinterested in me.

lyralalala · 26/07/2019 09:13

Yes very much so. I wouldn’t have got through half the shit my own so called family chucked at me with the support of my PIL, especially MIL.

I also consider DH’s first in laws as family. He was widowed when we met and they have been lovely to me. We call his MIL my other MIL. OMIL is picking up my DS2 - not her biological grandchild - shortly to take him away for the weekend with her grandson (DS1, her grandson, is 18 and isn’t into weekends at the caravan anymore)

I’m much luckier with in laws than I was with family.

Youngandfree · 26/07/2019 09:16

At the beginning and oddly enough before we were actually married and had dc I would have said yes of course!!now....not so much! There’s many reasons why but it’s mostly because since we moved back to my home country only PILS have visited! SIL and BIL have never even asked or attempted to visit! It’s uk to Ireland so hardly Timbuktu 🙄 they don’t even text or call either so 🤷‍♀️

LayingGhostsToRest · 26/07/2019 09:19

Ooh, definitely not. We’re just too different. PIL both dead now, but neither were ever remotely interested in me. DH’s family have a view of women where they have non-demanding part-time jobs to fit round family and the husband brings home the money. SIL still talks about ‘career women’ like it’s the 1980s, BIL openly admits to not knowing where the washing machine is. I work in the City and earn much more than DH. We don’t/won’t have children so no chance of common ground there. It pains me, but what can I do? I’m hardly going to drop my much-fought-for career just to make them feel better!

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 26/07/2019 09:30

Yes but not in a close way

BurningTheToast · 26/07/2019 09:38

Absolutely. I love my PiLs very much - closer to my MIL than I am to my own mother, if I'm honest.

Now that they're in their 90s they need more help as neither is in the best of health and the burden falls to DH and I because he's an only child since his brother died. We get on well though and it only feels like a bind sometimes.

When my first book was published, the dedication was to my MIL.

Constance1234 · 26/07/2019 09:40

I do, but they are all lovely people. From some threads on here I can understand why some people don’t though!

babyyoucanwarmmyhouse · 26/07/2019 09:48

His family to me- no.
My family to him- yes.

We don't see his dad any more (hasn't met one of our kids) because he's a twat. So we see his mum occasionally as she doesn't want him to know she's meeting us.
We see his siblings rarely and the effort is always from us so it's just not very often. Also- we don't get invited to their events any more (see twat dad) so it's hard to be close at all really.

However we are extremely close to my family- so I'm sure my husband would 100% consider them his family.

ItProtectsMyHead · 26/07/2019 09:49

I do, and my DH considers my family to be his as well. Some of my relatives have been going through some really difficult times the last few years and he's gone above and beyond for them, just as he would for his own family. We've also discussed to fact that as his parents start to get older and need more help (both 70+) I will likely take on more of this as DH works so I am more available, and I'm happy to do this.

It's a mutual thing though, mum often refers to DH as 'my only son' and my PIL treat me like family too, so it works for us.

Absolutely understand how lucky I am to have this set up as I've had relationships before where it was VERY different

Mookie81 · 26/07/2019 09:51

PILs (MIL more so) yes, lived with them for a long time and we still holiday together and live about 10 mins from each other.
SIL god no. The rest of his extended family, no and they dont see me as family either.

Abhann · 26/07/2019 09:53

Where they're lovely or not is irrelevant, surely? I have all kinds of people I like and love in my life without considering them family.

I like my ILs but have never thought of them as family -- I suppose for me they fall into roughly the same category as colleagues, in that they're unrelated people who've come into my life by the accident of my job/the man I married. It's lucky that I am quite fond of them, but I wouldn't have taken it unduly personally either way, any more than I would not finding congenial people in my workplace.

FizzBuzzBangWoof · 26/07/2019 09:57

Yes

PILs deceased for many years but I love both my SILs dearly (DH's sisters) and see more of them than I see my DB

Unfortunately can't stand BIL (SIL2's husband) or we would spend more time with her family than we do

AnnieOH1 · 26/07/2019 10:04

I used to consider mil family, not fil because in 17 years I have seen him maybe 10 times. Since toxicity arose they're part of the family tree but that's it. I view them as lesser than a stranger tbh.

ithinkiammelting · 26/07/2019 10:05

Apart from my dc I have no surviving blood relatives. so I do think of my in-laws as family, PILs plus all the BILs, Sils, nephews and nieces & partners etc. There's quite a lot of them.

They don't really reciprocate though.

Ragwort · 26/07/2019 10:08

Wise words from Cherry & Happy, as I get older I get more tolerant of people, none of us are perfect and, excepting abuse or really spiteful behaviour I always try to get on with people. My ILs have now died but I am extremely thankful that my DH is kind and helpful towards my elderly parents, it would be tough if he just 'left me to it' when dealing with their needs, which will get more complex as they get older (now late 80s). Likewise I hope I have been equally supportive when he has had to deal with (many) tragedies in his family, isn't that what marriage is about?

Shockers · 26/07/2019 10:14

I consider MIL family, and my nephews and nieces, but I’m not close to DH’s siblings and their partners. I like them when we see them, but I’d never phone for a chat. I love my DBs’ wives and my son’s partner very much though.

fantasmasgoria1 · 26/07/2019 10:15

Not the first two sets of in laws but my current mil I call mum and she treats me like a daughter.