I’m on holiday with my mother...

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And I remember now why I said last year never again....
I’m a single parent. She’s a widow. I’ve 2 ds, 8 and 10.
She clearly favours ds 10 and is openly rude to ds8.
She has martyred herself about everything, I don’t mind what we do, don’t worry about me, then told ds10 I need to respect her more and she paid more than her share (we split the costs in half). She put all our non freezable food delivery in the freezer and ruined it. She said I told her to. I didn’t. She read on Facebook an uncle who she hadn’t been bothered to visit in the last year despite living less than 10 minutes away had passed away - this wasn’t unexpected, he was 90 and had been having hospice care for months- and cried then went mad at me calling me hard hearted for not comforting her.
I forgot that last year she had an attack of the vapours and “went off her legs” crying and shivering in the caravan for attention because she didn’t get her way.
We’ve got to survive until Saturday.
Yes she was a shit mum to me....

Sounds like she genuinely doesn’t bring anything positive to your life, let alone your holidays. Do you think you could manage to distance yourself?

I’m going to distance myself - she’s really hurt me this week

It’s neatly over, definitely distance yourself. For your holiday next year I would look at booking a cottage through home and away or a lodge with hoseasons you might find it cheaper.

Poor you it sounds awful. You sound so lovely with a great attitude.
Honestly never again. If your children behaved as badly as your mother did you'll be horrified.
I just don't get why people can't be happy. Go alone with the boys next year.

She sounds bloody awful!!!!

Last meal done - on countdown now. Went out for dinner, she carped at the price, it was £50 for 4 of us, with drinks, and was only meal out we’ve had all week. I can see now she sees the price of everything and value of nothing. Today she has sat on a sun lounger, made some sandwiches, sat in a deckchair and been taken out for dinner. She’s just told me she’s off to bed because she’s had it for today... I’m amazed that both ds’s are still cool with her and giving her a wide berth despite me slapping a smile on heroically all week with her.
Never again!

I think the root is her personality and the money allows her to engineer situations where she can make her "power" felt/sabotage things. Which is why she'll be insistent on 50/50. You've instantly "failed" as a daughter by not being more insistent back. But also if you do insist on 75/25, you'll offend that way as they're her grandchildren and why should they go without on other things whilst you save, because you won't let her treat a bit?

You have my utmost sympathy, OP, I have been through similar nightmare scenarios so many times with my DM and each time I kick myself for falling for it again. Three or four years ago I even considered escaping at the departure airport when she kicked off about some trivial problem but didn't go through with it as my conscience wouldn't let me.

I think that narcissists know that most people would not behave in the way that they do and push the boundaries as they know they will get away with it. Or maybe I'm wrong and they think that their behaviour is normal and justified.

Either way, please print off this thread and keep it somewhere safe so you can re-read it the next time a holiday together is proposed and just say 'No, that doesn't suit us this year.

Just home. The atmosphere improved considerably when we dropped her at home. She’s been sour all through the 6 hour drive....

Those boys will be happy in a basic caravan filled with love next year. One good thing, now both of them see right through your mother.

Now your holiday REALLY begins!!! 😎🌈

Keep your DC far far away from your "mum"!

Thank goodness for that! Did they say anything when she left?!

ds 8 said grandmas been horrible - ds10 commented last night that she’s looked annoyed all week! I’m sure she’ll have more fun with her boyfriend on holiday no 3 this summer for her in a few weeks, I’m just pissed off she’s ruined my only holiday....
She persisted in trying to give me half the money for everything throughout despite doing it with a mouth like a cats bum - I did say pointedly I can’t accept, that’s more than your fair share.
I’ve told the kids we are not going with her again. They agree!
Both boys says they would be happy with a tent next year, I’m not sure I can manage a week in a tent! But we will do something cheap and definitely cheerful.

Lessons have been learnt, stick to your guns. Book for you & dc's for next year.

Life is full of learning curves.

On the plus side, you’ll never have to endure a holiday like it again.....

Can you not afford a Sun Holiday later in the year? I got a 4 day caravan break for £38 once and there's plenty at that price. I think at £38 I'd be happy to pay the school fine x

She’s STILL sulking. I didn’t phone her yesterday (I normally do every day, the other week she said she’d ring me then texted asking what my number was - I’ve had the same number for 3 years which kind of shows how much effort she puts in). I did however text her asking if she was ok and got a curt reply. This morning she has posted three passive aggressive Facebook posts - memes, one about needing to “protect her emotional health”. I texted her to tell her something (about my new neighbours building work) and got a reply that she is in bed really ill with high bloody sugar. It’s 16. She has well controlled type 2 diabetes. It reminded me of last year when she went off her legs, it’s like a never ending tantrum!
I’m going out with dcs so she will have to get on with it. I asked if she needed help and she said she was ok (despite the above) so I can’t do any more.
I’m not doing great at the grey rock thing am I?

Stop contacting her. You can't win!

She is playing you like a fiddle!

Sit on your hands love, don’t bother contacting her. She’s a nasty witch who doesn’t deserve your time

It sounds like not only does she need help with protecting her emotional health, she also needs help with controlling her blood sugar level. 16 is on the high side. I wouldn't be running around after her but I would suggest to her that she make contact with the diabetic clinic to get those sugars under control. It's not something that you can do, she has to do that herself.

From now on, you need to dial back the frequency of contact. You have to look after your mental health too. She isn't helping on that front.
Perhaps contact every other day, and then after a week or so of that, make it every 3 or 4 days until you're only contacting her once a week, then once a fortnight. That's more than enough for someone who is an emotional drain on you. You will get your time back, you wont be running around to her tune and demands and she will learn to be more self sufficient and probably end up spending more time with the boyfriend.

Good luck with it all!!

A mantra that I have found quite helpful in dealing with people like this is 'what would normal people do?' I don't think it is necessarily normal to be in touch with your mother every day. I call my mum once a week and we have a good chat.

I also often think about people who are energy sinks, if this was my absolute best friend who I loved spending time with, would I be in touch as frequently as this? Usually no. Why let it suck your time and energy?

Unfollow on Facebook, cut down the phonecalls and start saving for next year's holiday now! You mention your weight a couple of times, so if it's an issue how about working on that? Swimming or walking with the kids etc? A win-win way to be busy and not so available for her.

Thanks everyone - for the hand holding. I’ve struggled with her before. When ds2 was born we both nearly died, emcs after 69 hour labour, haemorrhage they struggled to stop, ds on ventilator. She didn’t come to see me until 2 days later, she told ex p the visiting hours meant “it wasn’t worth it”. When she did arrive, driven by a friend because she wouldn’t do it herself, she was late because she’d been to the wrong hospital and that’s all she spoke about.
I kind of moved on from it, though I’ve never forgotten.
When my dad died, 4 years ago she went to pieces and left everything to me to sort, registering the death, probate, everything. When I asked if I could choose one of the funeral songs she went mad, said her grief was more important than mine, actually rang me up screaming and shouting at me. I couldn’t show any emotion to her, I was just numb, I got accused of being ‘hard’ again then too. It was only a year after ex p had an affair and left me with a 2 and 5 year old, I was already on antidepressants and in a state.
Re the weight, I am, I’m on a vlcd , been on it since end of may, 36 lb down already. Ironically she said she hoped I was going to come off that “silly diet” for the holiday “or it would ruin it”.