I’m on holiday with my mother...

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And I remember now why I said last year never again....
I’m a single parent. She’s a widow. I’ve 2 ds, 8 and 10.
She clearly favours ds 10 and is openly rude to ds8.
She has martyred herself about everything, I don’t mind what we do, don’t worry about me, then told ds10 I need to respect her more and she paid more than her share (we split the costs in half). She put all our non freezable food delivery in the freezer and ruined it. She said I told her to. I didn’t. She read on Facebook an uncle who she hadn’t been bothered to visit in the last year despite living less than 10 minutes away had passed away - this wasn’t unexpected, he was 90 and had been having hospice care for months- and cried then went mad at me calling me hard hearted for not comforting her.
I forgot that last year she had an attack of the vapours and “went off her legs” crying and shivering in the caravan for attention because she didn’t get her way.
We’ve got to survive until Saturday.
Yes she was a shit mum to me....

Hi OP. This situation sounds desperate and your children must be a bit freaked out by her behaviour as well as you.

I agree, for the next few days you are together just make plans for you and the children. Tell her where you'll be if she wants to join you, otherwise you'll see her later.

Put a little space between you, if possible. She may well sound off whatever you do but that's on her. Try to enjoy your holiday with boys and NEVER go on holiday with her again. She sounds in incredibly self centred - something which her new beau may discover for himself before too long.

Grey rock OP. 🌹

Arghh op - what a nightmare. I agree with others to write it down. I've had this, to a much lesser degree, and it's a bit like childbirth, you forget the pain till it happens again.

Write a "note to self - in case I'm ever tempted to agree to a holiday with DM".

Saturday isn’t to far off, although it probably feels like it to you atm

Perhaps a day out just you and yr children, give you all a break from yr mum and hopefully help tension simmer down. Surely your mum doesn’t expect to spend every minute of yr hols together?

Choose something your children will really enjoy and wouldn’t interest your mum.

Your mum might like a break for a few hours too.

Good luck OP.

Right, first things first: your mother is a cow. A selfish, entitled fuckwit. And she’s now behaving like a toddler having a tantrum.

Would you reward a toddler tantrum? No. So don’t reward this. Don’t engage, just leave her to throw her toys out of the pram.

Carry on doing what you and the dc want to do and try to forget she’s even there

I'm glad you had the BBQ last night. Lesson learned- never take her again. My DPs mean incredibly well and are kind to DS , but the one time we went on holiday with them for a couple of nights only it was an unmitigated disaster.

she's dreadful. Very advanced level fuckery to sabotage her grand children's holiday.

I'm glad you took the DC to the BBQ and I really hope she doesn't continue to up the ante on ways to ruin it.

Book next year's as soon as you can afford it with no space for grandmother and do not tell her! Just laugh if she asks about holiday plans.

OP, she is, whether she realises it or not, trying to make sure that you continue to prioritise her over anyone else. This includes your children. You having the BBQ shows her that that's not happening, which is AMAZING - well done.

My own mother wouldn't have been quite as overt but she'd definitely have wanted to do this shit too. Sad to say it, but sometimes I feel relieved that she died a few years ago - the situation you're describing would absolutely have happened to us at least once if not. It was frequent during my childhood, suffice to say.

How are things today?

Ignore and be cheery. If she shouts just turn and walk away as you don’t have to stand and take it.

Me and the boys are doing today, up to you if you want to come? If she says no then say ok well we’ll see you later.

I’d she says when paid more ask how she thinks so when it was split in half, she got the better room and you did the driving.

Let her tantrum like a child, ignore and walk away and each time she is rude to your younger child pull her up fgs. Let him see that you have his back.

Thank you all for your replies, I keep re reading them to confirm I’m not in the wrong here.
Things are horrible this morning. She hasn’t said a word to ds10, made ds8 a cup of juice but didn’t speak to him, said morning to me, I said morning back and nothing more. She’s back in her bedroom now, door shut. I’m almost tempted to just go out without even speaking to her. She’s going on holiday again in 4 weeks with the boyfriend. This is it for me and the kids, I worked hard to afford it and I only get them half the holidays as the other half they are with their dad. So I’m starting to think fuck her really.

I’d yell through the door ‘we’re leaving at x time, if you want to join us be ready otherwise we’ll leave you here’.
With a bit of luck she’ll call the boyfriend crying and he’ll pick her up - result!

I'd go out without her. Honestly get the kids in the car and go.

Just go out with your boys and without her, don't tell her you're going or ask if she wants to come - she'll only put a downer on another day of your trip!

Enjoy your day with your boys doing whatever the hell you want to do, it's your holiday and you won't let her spoil anymore of it

I would just take the boys out and leave her sulking in the room. Why give her more chance to ruin your holiday. This behaviour from her is ridiculous
.

How far from home are you?
I would be tempted to tell her she’s getting a lift home today as she obviously is having a shit time, then return with your dc’s and enjoy the rest of your holiday!

She sounds like a nightmare. Although if she has paid 50/50 then technically she has paid more than her share as there are 3 of you and only 1 of her (now my mum would be happy to do so but I would understand that if she did so she would be generously paying more than her share).

Please dont pander to her - get on with your day and enjoy yourselves. She will not change so you need to change how you react to her.

Have a lovely day

Leave her in her room.
Don't say anything to her at all. Not even that you're going out with the kids. Talk to the kids (it's their holiday too that she is ruining) and tell them that if they can get their swimming gear/walking shoes/whatever ready quickly and quietly, you're going to go out for the day.

Leave your stroppy mother behind.

When you return, hoike up your big girl pants and tell her that you're not putting up with her behavior and unless she can be polite, she can get on the next bus/train/plane home. This is your holiday with your children and for them to even think that their grandmother is in a position to complain to their mum so much so that they tell her to shut up, then something is clearly wrong.
She is ruining your holiday too and the choice she has is to either behave and be polite and friendly and begin to enjoy the holiday (fake it till you make it would be the phrase I'd use here), then she is to leave. No other option of staying and bringing the mood down will be permitted.
She can drive - great, stop bringing her places. Only bring her places when it suits you. She has a boyfriend - even better, get him to come and collect her from the holiday early.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday with you and your kids.

I really feel for you, OP. She sounds like a nightmare, like a kid who doesn't feel they're getting enough attention so ups the ante and blames everyone else for how they're making themselves feel. This is definitely all on her, she could be having a wonderful time if she wasn't being a miserable sod.

I agree with PP who say just make your plans and go enjoy your holiday. Keep making it all about the kids and give her a wide berth. If she decides to snap out of it and join in the fun, then great. If she doesn't, then also great!

Whatever you do, don't take anything she says about this being your fault seriously. If she starts, just shut her down.

Go without her, she is being deliberately cruel to your children and you must limit this while you are away.

Leave her to it op. You already have 2 dc and the toddler tantrum days should be well behind you.
Send her links to a taxi service and she can buggar off home.
Her bf must have the patience of a Saint.
Next year holiday with just the dc. Haven offer deposit and monthly payments.. Or a travel agent who do the same. Don't be beholding to such nastiness and spite.

I would bang on the door and say, cheerily: "We're off out for a bit - see you later!" and then go. This means she can't say that you left without telling her when recounting her tale of woe to others later on.

Do not pander, whatever you do. She's sulking.

I would seriously go NC with her after the holiday and tell your children exactly why. In the meantime, do not allow her to hijack another second of your holiday. She won't change but you can change your responses to her nonsense as she seems to be getting a kick out of playing the martyr. Do stuff without her if possible. She'll already be getting the message after being left behind with the bbq. Good luck.

I can’t understand how people can be so cruel
Can you take her home..you can leave all your stuff in the apartment..and go back
It’s only Wednesday 🤞

Have you ever told her that her behaviour is appalling, that she’s acting like a spoilt brat and that you’re embarrassed that your children have to see that from a grown adult?

That’s what I would tell her (but I am quite harsh like that).

I wouldn’t pander one bit to her sulking. I’m so glad you went out with your children last night and had a bbq. It’s their holiday and she’s doing her best (or worst) to ruin it. Keep doing what you’re doing, just do what you and the children fancy doing and make sure they’re happy and enjoying their time with you. If she wants to sulk then let her sulk.

You could fantasise about telling her to pack up her stuff and drop her off at the nearest train / bus station...... or maybe not.