Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Tough situation. Please don't judge. I don't know what to do

80 replies

Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 19:55

Hi all. First time poster so please don't be too harsh. Will try to be brief. Been married for 8 years, fell out of love 3 years ago. I fell in love with someone else. Husband and i started living apart. However we got back together, then i discovered im pregnant. Husband loves me and wants to be part of my child's life. So does biological father. He actually expected me to divorce my hubby so we can raise our child together. Im havingca dilemma because my husband has the financial security we need. We have a very good life and he loves my son like his own. The father has baggage, 3 other children (divorced) and debt. Just for record im not intimate with either even though i spend lots of time with biological dad. I simply couldn't be bothered. AIBU to stay with hubby so my child can have the best life possible? I also promised him I'd never abandon him. He is a good man, and he is 25 yrs older and needs me. Or do i stay with the father and struggle financially? Bottom line, i don't want my son to hate me one day.

OP posts:

Original poster

Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 19:56

Please post

OP posts:

MondeoFan · 14/07/2019 19:57

I think stay with your husband but let father see the child. It sounds a real mess

TheNavigator · 14/07/2019 20:00

Does your husband know you are only staying with him for his money?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

DoneLikeAKipper · 14/07/2019 20:01

You seriously want us to help you make a decision based on how much money each bloke you’re stringing along has in the bank .

If you’re actually serious, how about showing your child the healthiest thing is for you to stand on your own two feet whilst he has a good relationship with his biological father on a separate bases.

HappyHammy · 14/07/2019 20:04

What does the biological dad think is best for his son. Would he be happy for your husband to.raise him.

Original poster

Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 20:06

Yes, i can move out and live on my own but husband also has ailing health OK

OP posts:

Soola · 14/07/2019 20:06

Please leave your husband so that he can find genuine love with a lady who cares about him and respects him rather than wanting to use him for his wallet.

Original poster

Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 20:08

Ok, i should have mentioned that i do have some of my own money and though im not in love with him, i do still love and care for him

OP posts:

DoneLikeAKipper · 14/07/2019 20:12

Love and care for him enough to get pregnant by another man. Despite his bad health. Of course now you want someone to pay for your child you still want to be married (to his bank account). Righto.

Original poster

Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 20:12

The biological dad wouldn't mind having hubby raise him, though he loves me and wants to be with me. He does think our son will be psychologically damaged however which is why numerous times i just want to be on my own. Also im not prepared to be a step parent

OP posts:

FoxSquadKitten · 14/07/2019 20:16

If you stay with your DH how long before you have another affair?
You don't love either of them, so it's not going to work with either of them, plus it's not fair on them.
Raise your dc on your own.

As my late DM used to say 'you made your bed..'

Loveislandaddict · 14/07/2019 20:17

I think you should leave dh and not move in with bio dad. You don’t love either. You want one for security (and money) and the other because he’s the bio dad. You don’t actually love either.

You owe it to both men not to string them along.

ginghamtablecloths · 14/07/2019 20:17

Stay with your DH and try to rekindle what brought you together in the first place.

crosspelican · 14/07/2019 20:17

Leave both men. You don't love your husband and he probably sees staying with you (I.e. financing another man's son) as the pay-off for having a young & fit carer. Why else would he take you back?

Obv. the father of your son is a bit of a non-starter in himself.

One man is going to have you physically caring him in his now-imminent old age & the other will have you destitute.

Get out now, get a good job/quals on your own & disassociate yourself from these men and their needs/baggage. You have your son to care for so focus on that.

Are you in the UK or SA?

BoredToday · 14/07/2019 20:19

Your husband needs some self respect.
Taking on another man's kid and a woman that only wants him for his money.
He can do better than you.

CherryPavlova · 14/07/2019 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RubberTreePlant · 14/07/2019 20:20

It's not just the situation that's fucked up.So is your attitude to your husband.

SD1978 · 14/07/2019 20:20

From your post, it doesn't sound as if English is your first language- is there any visa issues if you leave your husband?

FoxSquadKitten · 14/07/2019 20:21

Stay with your DH and try to rekindle what brought you together in the first place.

She couldn't last 5 years with him, she's not going to make it to old age

IamWaggingBrenda · 14/07/2019 20:23

Also im not prepared to be a step parent You sound like a real gem. Yes, I can see why both men want you . You cheat on your husband, and now think you want to get back with him for his money - but you still love him. Right. Or love his wallet. Do those potential stepchildren a favour and stay away from their father. Frankly, I feel sorry for your child, being born into this mess you’ve created.

Original poster

Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 20:23

Actually we are in therapy trying to do just that. I didn't mention it simply because i didn't want to make the post too long!

OP posts:

Original poster

Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 20:24

But yes even therapy is hard because the biological father keeps guilt tripping me

OP posts:

Original poster

Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 20:25

Gosh. Am i asking too much for people to be nice? Or have i already been labelled a gold digger?

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 14/07/2019 20:30

Stay with the rich old bloke
He’s going to want sex again eventually but if he’s rich enough it might be worth it

LegionOfDoom · 14/07/2019 20:30

Or have i already been labelled a gold digger

You said you want to stay with him for financial security? You don’t love him. That’s the definition of gold digger

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread