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Original poster

Tough situation. Please don't judge. I don't know what to do

80 replies

Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 19:55

Hi all. First time poster so please don't be too harsh. Will try to be brief. Been married for 8 years, fell out of love 3 years ago. I fell in love with someone else. Husband and i started living apart. However we got back together, then i discovered im pregnant. Husband loves me and wants to be part of my child's life. So does biological father. He actually expected me to divorce my hubby so we can raise our child together. Im havingca dilemma because my husband has the financial security we need. We have a very good life and he loves my son like his own. The father has baggage, 3 other children (divorced) and debt. Just for record im not intimate with either even though i spend lots of time with biological dad. I simply couldn't be bothered. AIBU to stay with hubby so my child can have the best life possible? I also promised him I'd never abandon him. He is a good man, and he is 25 yrs older and needs me. Or do i stay with the father and struggle financially? Bottom line, i don't want my son to hate me one day.

OP posts:
BoredToday · 14/07/2019 20:31

No one is being nasty.
We see a duck, we hear it quack, we see it walk like a duck, it's is a duck.
You are pregnant by a broke loser.
You don't want to be a step parent to his kids.
Your first husband is a wimp putting up with this.
You don't love either and are fretting about your financial security.
Get a job and look after your own kid.
Or, go back to wimp husband that wants you back probably because your 25 years younger.
Or stay with debt ridden loser and accept his kids.
No one is being nasty - just stating the facts.

Original poster
Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 20:32

Its not my first language and no visa issues at all.

OP posts:
MamaMumMama · 14/07/2019 20:34

@Girlfromsouthafrica are you happy?
I know right now you are thinking about money and the practical side of raising a child but are you happy yourself?
Money doesn't buy happiness, it buys security but that's it. I think it's good that both dads know the full story and you didn't cheat you were separated. I wouldn't suggest you move in with the biological father as you have said that relationship is over. If you live your husband give it a go ensuring the biological father is involved with his child but if you don't think you will be happy be a single mum and do the absolute best you can Thanks

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Relationship problems
BoredToday · 14/07/2019 20:35

Now the advice I think you're are after,
Stay with his and have him look after your and your illegitimate child and pass him off as his own to the world.
You and loser keep shagging each other behind his back.
Loser has off loaded his kid to old man.
You have financial security and sex.
You don't have to worry about step kids either.
Does this make you a bad person - No
Just makes you the sort of person that most will not want as a friend
You must come from poverty - that's the only thing that can explain why you would do this to your husband.
Ultimately, your husband is at fault for allowing this.

QueenBeex · 14/07/2019 20:35

Leave your husband.
Do what you want regarding being with the father or being on your own.

viques · 14/07/2019 20:36

I feel sorry for your child, gold digger mother, bio father with poor relationship history and no financial sense . Now you want to palm him off on an old,sick rich man. What are you hoping for, sounds as though you want your child to be the beneficiary of your rich man's will, presumably so you and your boyfriend can eventually live on the proceeds.

growlingbear · 14/07/2019 20:39

Your son's biological father needs to get himself out of debt and into a regular job where he can earn a living and start contributing to his FOUR children's upkeep. You need to be aware he's flakey and make sure you continue to earn money and provide your son with a stable home. I can\t comment on your ex and any role he might play in all your lives as it's the two parents who need to sort out the mess.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/07/2019 20:39

How can we tell you what to do? Do you want to waste your most vibrant years caring for a man you don’t love or getting financially drained by a loser?

Single parenthood sounds like the best option.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/07/2019 20:41

Did your husband bring you over from another country for marriage? Ie are you a mail order bride or whatever the expression is?

Poppi89 · 14/07/2019 20:44

Which one do you WANT to be with?
Either man can have lots of money but if you're not happy in the relationship it will have a negative effect on your child.
Why not just be single and have shared contact with the biological father and you can still be friends with both of them and help your husband if he is older/ill.

Ginger1982 · 14/07/2019 20:47

Are you pregnant or is your son already here?

Original poster
Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 20:47

Lol. No.im not a mail order bride. And he is living in my country. He is European. Won't say which country. And for anybody getting other ideas. I got citizenship of his country long time ago, long before i met my baby's father. So no.not staying with him for that either

OP posts:
Original poster
Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 20:48

He is now 1 yr old

OP posts:
ItookYourJob · 14/07/2019 20:48

I think you already have decided to return to your husband, no? The baby’s father will always be part of your life, tho. There is no easy exit I’m afraid.

Original poster
Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 20:51

Thank you Poppi yes many times i just want to be single and live alone with my son but my heart breaks when my i see my husbands face at this suggestion

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 14/07/2019 20:51

Oh dear OP, you have got yourself in a pickle.

I do agree with PP that your best option is to be a single mum, both for your own happiness and the security of your DS. Stay friends with your DH and give him your support without being tied to him.

At a risk of sounding callous if you stay with DH for his money, you will end up caring for a new born and nursing a person 25 years your senior in ailing health, that will be unbelievably hard and you will end up hurting your DH and probably your LO. Or you go to the father of you child and end up in a loveless relationship with someone where you will have nothing but money worries and is doomed to failure.

Say hi to the rock and the hard place from us.

CrochetAway · 14/07/2019 20:52

If you are not in love with either man don't stay with either man.

How sustainable emotionally will it be to stay with your husband? It may be OK to be in a relationship where you are not intimate at the moment - but what happens when the time comes that either of you want to have intimacy with someone again? I understand that you care about your husband, but how fair is it ultimately to string him along?

Your child deserves to have a chance to have a relationship with their biological father, but that doesn't mean that you also need to have a relationship with him.

Being a single parent is OK - honest!

Coyoacan · 14/07/2019 20:52

I know the OP looks quite cold-hearted and calculating, but life isn't that easy in a country where there isn't a safety net for single mothers.

quizqueen · 14/07/2019 21:03

Have people who come on this site never heard of contraceptives! I ask this because of the number of times I read about poor kids born into shit situations.

Feelingwalkedover · 14/07/2019 21:23

You need to leave both men and live alone

MrMeSeeks · 14/07/2019 21:47

I think you should leave both men, you don’t deserve either of them.
You’re only with your husband because he has money, the second loves you, but he’s not good enough as he doesn't have money and has kids Hmm
Both men deserve a woman who loves them for them, not what they can give them.
Leave them both and be single.
Yes you’re husband will be upset, but in the long run much happier than being cheated on and knowing you don’t love him. It’s not fair.

MrMeSeeks · 14/07/2019 21:48

Your*

Boysey45 · 14/07/2019 21:49

I'd leave them both and live as a single woman, and date and go out with who I wanted. Neither of these sound right for you or you for them.

NameWithChange · 14/07/2019 21:54

I think as tough as it sounds you have to do what is right for you. Not be guilt tripped by either of them.

Presumably you will be the one mainly bringing up the child? There is no point choosing either of them because you feel guilty - or won't work long term and you will just be miserable.

If your gut is telling you to live alone and you can manage it, I would. Both or either of them can step up and still be decent role models to your child.

You have to live this life so pick the one that works best for a happier you - your son will benefit from that.

Gazelda · 14/07/2019 21:56

Both men are emotionally manipulating you.

And both probably feel as though you are manipulating them.
You don't love either.
Neither of the can give you everything you want.
Surely it's best for you to be on your own and build a life that you can be proud of?

Incidentally, which name is on the birth certificate?