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Original poster

Tough situation. Please don't judge. I don't know what to do

80 replies

Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 19:55

Hi all. First time poster so please don't be too harsh. Will try to be brief. Been married for 8 years, fell out of love 3 years ago. I fell in love with someone else. Husband and i started living apart. However we got back together, then i discovered im pregnant. Husband loves me and wants to be part of my child's life. So does biological father. He actually expected me to divorce my hubby so we can raise our child together. Im havingca dilemma because my husband has the financial security we need. We have a very good life and he loves my son like his own. The father has baggage, 3 other children (divorced) and debt. Just for record im not intimate with either even though i spend lots of time with biological dad. I simply couldn't be bothered. AIBU to stay with hubby so my child can have the best life possible? I also promised him I'd never abandon him. He is a good man, and he is 25 yrs older and needs me. Or do i stay with the father and struggle financially? Bottom line, i don't want my son to hate me one day.

OP posts:
Chune · 14/07/2019 21:57

There is a third option, which is you leave both of them and stand on your own two feet. Crazy, I know.

BlueMerchant · 14/07/2019 22:00

I'd try to make a go of things with my husband however if you can't rekindle the love and respect for him it would be kind to leave and raise your child yourself.
DS will pick up on your unhappiness.

Original poster
Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 22:01

I will say this then i won't be replying/posting again. Thank you to those who actually read my message properly despite my bad English. I don't know why people insist i cheated or had an affair. Please read or if i wasn't clear, I DID NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR. We separated for a while. He went back to his country, i stayed in mine, we were transparent about who we were seeing, yes, he was also briefly involved with someone before coming back here OK. And FYI Im not sleeping with my son's father now. I take my visit there to visit him and see his father . For those who judge and are rude. It must nice sitting on your high horse all flawless and perfect and never make mistakes. Good for you!

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KTara · 14/07/2019 22:02

Okay, there is no lying going on - your husband knows the child is not his, and is willing to bring him up as his own. You are considering this because it will provide financial security and your husband will be upset if you separate again; also because your husband is older and not in full health. You are in counselling with your husband to try to get your marriage back on track. However, there is a bit in what you say that suggests you would rather bring up DC yourself, if I understand all this correctly.

I do not know, honestly.

The easiest bit to address is the biological dad. You sort a contact schedule between him and his son so they see each other regularly. What you then do with your life and who you have a relationship with is your business, just as if you were a single mum. Biological dad does not get a say. Your DC will no more be psychologically harmed by living with you and your husband an if you had a new boyfriend, in fact the latter sounds more stable.

I think at the moment, do nothing beyond that. You are staying with your husband and having counselling, there are no lies and it is stability for DC. Do not do anything until you have clarity in your own mind about what is the right thing for you and DC.

NameWithChange · 14/07/2019 22:03

Ignore them @Girlfromsouthafrica just read the posters who are genuinely trying to help you

KTara · 14/07/2019 22:03

Should read ‘than if you had a new boyfriend’

Original poster
Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 22:04

And also the health diagnosis is recent. I did not know till recently. Even he said he was in denial

OP posts:
KTara · 14/07/2019 22:05

Should also read the former sounds more stable - ie staying with your husband

Sorry about all the errors - hope it at least makes some sense if you are still reading

JocastaJones · 14/07/2019 22:07

You have your child's security to consider so I would stay with your husband. In doing so you can meet your child's needs. This is hardly some weird situation. Women throughout history have had to make relationship decisions based on financial practicalities. She lives in a country where that is still far more relevant than it may be here.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 14/07/2019 22:08

Well, provided that your husband wants to pay for a roof over your head, in exchange for you providing a care service, then fair enough (providing that everyone is on the same page and understands the terms). And providing that you're not just in it for the money/inheritance. He should be allowed to date other people and find the one for him too though. Because, it sounds to me like, the moment you see a better option, you'll jump ship.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 14/07/2019 22:12

Btw, don't forget that your son is also 'baggage', before you label other children as that.

CherryPlum · 14/07/2019 22:12

You want people to tell you who to spend the rest of your life with?

shitpark · 14/07/2019 22:12

This reads like the plot for a very bad soap

Original poster
Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 22:14

Yes, one last thing. Everything is transparent between the 3 of us, there is no lying. And this is a torment for me so im not a completely terrible person and this is a different question but is so bad for me to feel that in today's world love and fresh air doesn't put food on the table or pay the bills???

OP posts:
Original poster
Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 22:15

No Cherryplum the main thing is what is less harmful for my son

OP posts:
Original poster
Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 22:16

But on that matter Cherryplum i am currently supporting my husband

OP posts:
Original poster
Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 22:16

Its just the father makes me feel bad

OP posts:
LilQueenie · 14/07/2019 22:16

The biological dad wouldn't mind having hubby raise him, though he loves me and wants to be with me. He does think our son will be psychologically damaged

Yeah right he thinks he could be psychologically damaged as an excuse for you leave your husband for him. I would keep contact with this person to a minimum. It's not likely he will be damaged considering the number of other kids with step parents who do exceptionally well.

Original poster
Girlfromsouthafrica · 14/07/2019 22:20

Sorry yes someone pointed out baggage. I just meant my son's father also has lots of financial problems. Another reason why its off putting even considering a future because the savings that is my own would have to help him and his other children and i have my own child to think of

OP posts:
31RueCambon · 14/07/2019 22:21

don't know if you're reading but I think there's a saying ''if you stay with a man for money, you'll earn every penny'' and that holds true even if he's a good man. He is 25 years older than you!!! So to be honest, his motivations for wanting you to stay might not all be honourable. I mean, is he lonely? does he want the validation of a much younger women?

You're having a baby with somebody ELSE. Your life is only complicated if you stay with your husband.

Life is short. Don't do this to yourself. xx

31RueCambon · 14/07/2019 22:23

If you started again with NOTHING, then from then on, things would be less complicated. YOu are ''tormented'' by this mess right now.

I think concentrate on motherhood for now. If your husband is that good a man he won't see you and your son starve.

CaMePlaitPas · 14/07/2019 22:29

You're a silly, naive girl.

The old rich guy won't stay with you forever, my bet is that eventually he'll find someone else with "less baggage".

CherryPlum · 14/07/2019 22:31

OK I understand you want the best for your son. I don't think your son will be damaged whatever you decide. You're never going to please everyone. Yes it is all a mess but you need to let go of the guilt and do what's right for you. Who do you want to spend your life with? Your son will be fine whichever route you take if you handle it right.

AmeriAnn · 14/07/2019 22:34

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shinynewapple · 14/07/2019 22:41

Hi OP I am a bit confused as to whether the 3 of you are now all living in the same country?

Do you think that your feelings for these two men are similar in that you care for them, but are not in love with either of them?

If that's the case I think you should not continue a romantic / intimate relationship with either if them.

Of course your son should still see his biological father but that doesn't mean you should live together or be in a relationship with him.

If you are able to find child care and accommodation so that you can work and support your child yourself, I think that's what you should do.

You can then remain friends with your husband and continue to provide emotional/ practical support to him if you wish.

I would also consider the option of remaining in the same accommodation with your husband if you think this could work as friends providing mutual support. But you would both need to be clear and honest with each other and your own selves that you were not going to rekindle the relationship. And this would make it harder for you to meet anybody else and move on.

I think as long as it is clear to your son that he has a father who lives him and remains constant in his life and that you you have other friends, including make friends, that you also care about, I can't see why he should be emotionally harmed.