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Original poster

So ashamed and embarrassed.

80 replies

Cailleach · 12/07/2019 12:48

So I went to the Job Centre today to sign on for JSA for the first time in my life. The lady asked me why I resigned and I told her that I was stressed and panicked and walked out of my last job.

After four years. It was the best job I ever had. And I fucked it up, because I am autistic.

For three months I have been applying for everything and anything and have had countless rejections.

So I burst into tears. I never cry. Ever. but I just couldn't stop. So in addition to the shame of signing on, I had the added humiliation of being a sobbing mess that everyone in the whole room was staring at.

I passed my pathetic CV over the desk to her and realised just how little I have to show for my 42 years on earth. I will never be able to retire, for a start. I know have to stay alive for my parents sakes but I am increasingly unsure if I will even be able to do that.

I have no idea why I am posting this really.

OP posts:
SheeshazAZ09 · 12/07/2019 12:50

Any chance you can approach your former employer, explain, and ask nicely if they would consider giving you your job back?

Lllot5 · 12/07/2019 12:50

I shouldn’t worry about it they see all sorts at the job centre.
They will help you with your cv try to keep positive I know it’s hard but you’re not the only one.

tutu112 · 12/07/2019 12:55

It sounds like you've had a tough time lately over something that you really cannot control - it's totally understandable to be upset and cry under those circumstances. Please be kind to yourself. Thanks

Original poster
Cailleach · 12/07/2019 12:55

Sheeshaz, they didn't know I was autistic. If they had known I probably wouldn't have got the job in the first place, so if they found out out now they would be glad to be rid of me, IYSWIM.

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 12/07/2019 12:56

Don't be embarrassed or ashamed, everyone has a breaking point and it is often something tiny that pushes us over that point. Would you go back to your old employer if it were possible or do you want to move on? Did your employer know you have autism? It sounds as if depression might be adding to your stresses, do you feel able to approach your GP for help?

Soola · 12/07/2019 13:02

Crying is a natural release of tension and a perfectly normal thing to do given your circumstances.

Keep plugging away with applying for jobs but maybe go over your CV again or get others to have a look at it for an honest review.

Don’t be afraid to present yourself in person to employers even if they are not recruiting now you can still approach reception and offer your CV for future attention.

Supergirlthesecond · 12/07/2019 13:12

@Cailleach

My sympathies to you. Those places require you to have nerves of steel sometimes.

They will have seen it all before though. I wouldn't lose any sleep over crying -look forwards!

xx

Beautiful3 · 12/07/2019 13:16

Sending you hugs. Please dont waste your time worrying about others. You needed a little cry so you had one. Look onwards and upwards now. Keep distracting bad thoughts with keeping yourself busy. The feelings of embarrassment will pass in a few days. I promise.

Toooldtocareanymore · 12/07/2019 13:19

I am sorry , sounds like you have had an awful day.

I don't think that advice you are getting to go back to previous employer is good far as they are concerned you left, and you could do it all again, and there must be a reason you were so stressed and felt panic. You said you didn't tell them about autism so they really were not equipped to help you. Maybe this is something you can consider in future to help you find a job that wont stress you or make you feel better able to report it if your coming under stress. there are kinder employers out there, you just have to have faith you will find you niche.

You should not be in any way ashamed of signing on, really, look at the difficulties you are facing and you still try, still applying still looking when so many others would just give up at earliest chance, you should be so proud of yourself. I know people made redundant early 40's who have given up even looking.

I cant give you any advice as I don't know what your skills are or what would suit you, maybe some training would help improve cv.

GoBrookeYourself · 12/07/2019 13:24

Ah OP, that sounds so stressful, I’m sorry. I’d second maybe reaching out to your old company if you really liked the job; I know you say if they knew you had autism they wouldn’t have hired you, but now they know you and know you’re good at what you do, they may be more open minded?

Don’t worry about what happened at the job centre; we’ve all been in a position where we’ve felt overwhelmed and emotions have got the better of us, it’s only human. Nobody there will have judged you and if anyone ever did in that situation, then shame on them.

noonarna · 12/07/2019 13:24

Never ever feel bad about being a human being. It's not embarrassing or weak to show emotion at difficult moments. You have nothing to feel ashamed about.

I don't have practical support, but don't give up. Can you do any training courses and move into something else that interests you? Are there other areas of work that perhaps suit you better?

Greyhound22 · 12/07/2019 13:26

You have nothing to be ashamed about.

What area are you in OP? (PM me if you like). I run an employment programme that could help you - it can be tailored to your needs and help build your confidence etc - the JC won't help you like this. This programme is run around the country so should be one by you. Would be perfect if you were by me as I specialise in helping women like yourself.

Help is available it's just not always that well signposted - did the JC point you in the direction of any programmes etc?

Be kind to yourself. I burst into tears in the doctors surgery last week.

Original poster
Cailleach · 12/07/2019 13:27

Unfortunately I don't think I'd ever declare a disability when applying - it's a huge black mark against you for most jobs, I suspect.

Damned if you do and damned if you don't....you really can't win there.

I just want a job... :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Cailleach · 12/07/2019 13:30

Greyhound, thanks for your kindness.... I am in South Yorkshire.

Sounds like you are having a rough time too...I hope things improve for you soon.

OP posts:
fleshmarketclose · 12/07/2019 13:38

In areas like the civil service and Local Government declaring a disability would guarantee you an interview as they positively discriminate. So worth bearing in mind in your job search. So sorry you are feeling so low do you think you could speak to your GP? Flowers

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/07/2019 13:39

OP
I know this probably feels like an awful time but when you are ready think about what you liked about your job and what you didn’t like. Start to think about all the skills you have gained and how they might be useful for other jobs. That way you can focus your search.

It is normal to feel down when there is a big change in your life but speak to your GP if your mood is getting really low.

Eloisedublin123 · 12/07/2019 13:40

I’m really sorry to hear that but well done for signing on - those places are horrible 🤨

Original poster
Cailleach · 12/07/2019 13:44

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and suggestions.

As regards the GP; sadly as we all know, mental health services in this country may as well not exist. I am a veteran of the system and have sworn never to bother again. Antidepressants do not help me and believe me when I say I have tried many. There is some evidence that they are ineffective for people with autism, anyway.

OP posts:
Nottheduchess · 12/07/2019 13:45

If it makes you feel better, my parents worked all their life, paid into a pension. They are no better off than people who never worked. Their income is £20 too much for them to claim anything at all.

Nottheduchess · 12/07/2019 13:46

You will get through this, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Original poster
Cailleach · 12/07/2019 13:50

Eloise: I was dreading it as I am well aware of their reputation fo r bullying people, but actually the woman was kind enough. I think she was so alarmed by me dripping onto her desk / paperwork that she just wanted rid of me really so she quickly wrapped things up.

OP posts:
womaninthedark · 12/07/2019 13:51

Hello, OP. I'm autistic, too. I don't have any advice but I wanted to stand with you. Talking therapies and mindfulness helped me to a place of calm.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 12/07/2019 13:54

My heart aches for you.

People who have not experienced stress have no idea how debilitating it can be - and often it is the tiniest thing that throws you into the state where you can't even open the front door to leave the house (been there, wept copiously int the tee-shirt).

Take Greyhound up on her offer and PM her. You will have skills you don't realise you have - you will just take them for granted, because they're yours. You will find a way through, though I can't promise it will be easy. Sometimes this is your mind's way of getting you out of a situation you can't cope with healthily, and into one you feel safer in. I won't pretend it will be easy, but I do think you will find something.

This isn't your fault. Don't blame yourself for anything. Try to look on this as a bit of breathing space to pull yourself round.

And the very best of luck.

FriarTuck · 12/07/2019 13:55

Crying is the body's way of eliminating toxins so you were doing yourself a favour.....

Original poster
Cailleach · 12/07/2019 13:56

Nottheduchess - infuriating isn't it....Those who know how to play the system are laughing all the way to the bank....the rest of us get tarred with the same brush then we struggle as we're too honest to cheat.

OP posts: