So ashamed and embarrassed.

[Cailleach]

So I went to the Job Centre today to sign on for JSA for the first time in my life. The lady asked me why I resigned and I told her that I was stressed and panicked and walked out of my last job.

After four years. It was the best job I ever had. And I fucked it up, because I am autistic.

For three months I have been applying for everything and anything and have had countless rejections.

So I burst into tears. I never cry. Ever. but I just couldn't stop. So in addition to the shame of signing on, I had the added humiliation of being a sobbing mess that everyone in the whole room was staring at.

I passed my pathetic CV over the desk to her and realised just how little I have to show for my 42 years on earth. I will never be able to retire, for a start. I know have to stay alive for my parents sakes but I am increasingly unsure if I will even be able to do that.

I have no idea why I am posting this really.

Hi OP, don't have any useful advice but just wanted to send hugs and sympathy - I'm autistic too and I've lost count of the times I've nearly walked out of work to avoid a meltdown, I burst into tears in front of a customer last year
I think the problem with not declaring that you're autistic when you apply for jobs is that when you get the job and the autism causes problems, your employer will just think you're bad at the job because they won't know the reason that you're struggling. I would definitely declare it on applications - as others have said, in certain sectors you're guaranteed an interview if you have a disability.
Please be kind to yourself

Hugs

It's difficult to comment without knowing a lot more things that you probably don't want to post so the following might sound clumsy but it's intended to be helpful. Looking at the positives which I realise will be hard:

You've held several jobs.
You held your last job for four years which is quite a long time.
You held your last job when you seem not to have known you were on the spectrum so possibly not using the full range of coping and self-management techniques that perhaps you might be able to research and practice.
So you have lots of employment experience, were recently employed and can perhaps better fit in the workplace next time based on what you've learned (I'm not saying you should have to adapt but based on what you've posted, it sounds like it wasn't comfortable for you).

Easy to say from the outside but it sounds like the second half of your career might be more comfortable and will hopefully be much more successful, though I realise it might not look like that now.

Good luck.

Hi OP - I work in this area and I just wanted to say, if You google Autism specialist agencies, they can help you with your search and find you an employer who will happily take you on exactly as you are, they can also apply for support for you if you need it. Good luck

Not sure about the playing the system and laughing all the way to the bank. From what I've seen, it's an uncompassionate and ungenerous system. Whenever I've asked someone to describe how someone they know or have heard about is laughing all the way to the bank, the substance turns out to be completely different.

It’s awful to feel ashamed and embarrassed. But you absolutely mustn’t. I doubt anybody even batted an eyelid there. Everyone would have been more worried about themselves.
You haven’t mentioned what sort of work you are after? Please look into getting a job In the NHS, there are all sorts of different sectors and types of work, from lab technicians, admin, patient records, (not just the obvious nurse/doctors)
The NHS are very inclusive in who they employ. I know an autistic man who has just been employed in a fairly entry level role in the nhs and is being fully supported, with all sorts of things being put in place to assist him.
Also once you are in an NHS job, there is often scope to progress.

It's not an option (it might be though) to return to your previous job, but was there anyone nice there? Did you have a HR department there - for references.

Maybe if you speak to someone who liked you at your previous job that could help.

Agreed with Greyhound and applying through other autistic recruitment agencies and making a list of your plus points - which will be many.

Hey - I'm not much older than you and though I have a private pension, a DH with a good job etc, my career isn't the best it could've been. 42 is young comparitively too - you can retrain.

OP there is no shame in signing on, applying for benefits you are entitled to should not cause any embarrassment.Believe me, the Job Coach would much rather deal with you than someone behaving abusively.They are there to help you and provide a service, you are their customer.Sometimes, things reach breaking point before things get better, I'm sure there is something with your name on it, that will be more suited to your skills and I bet you hold a lot more skills than you give yourself credit for.Hang on in there, it's not easy handling unemployment but it doesn't mean it's forever.

there is support for disabled people needing employment that the job centre should have referred you to - can I suggest you ring up & have a chat with the NAS? They may be able to advise you - certainly look them upon the web as there maybe a local support group. Please don't think your alone (hug)

Sorry I don't have any good advice bit I just want to say I'm autistic too and it's so hard to find a job, so I understand how you are feeling, and unfortunately autism is seen as a negative even though we have a lot to bring to jobs.

Good luck and you have nothing to be ashamed of!

Im fairly certain that Im autistic and I work at a jobcenter - admittedly in another country with a different setup. Ive found it to be an advantage in some ways - im v concrete for example. But being unemployed is bad for my mh because of the lack of structure. I really struggled to write good applications until my caseworker at the job center kicked my arse and wrote an application for me. I really think that if you dont already have one then a bullet journal is a great way to get structure in your week. And I would encourage you to access the disability services pps mentioned.

Cailleach I'm here rooting for you .

I can't give any practical advice right now but there is no shame in crying or being at the job centre. What is shameful though is that society doesn't provide better support for people going trough tough times, that is shameful.

I am not autistic and ended up crying in front of all sorts of rather unsuitable people in the last couple of weeks because I feel worried and stressed about stuff. One person is a very much stiff upper lip ex head mistress who certainly didn't pass the tissue box .

Can you seek help with managing stress through your GP and the NHS e.g. get some CBT even if it's online.

I'm sure that all will be well, sorry if that sound preposterous but it will. Until then keep going, there is a job out there that you can do and feel happy with.

Best wishes!

Thanks again for all your replies.

I think the main problem is my issues with executive function mean I have little idea of where to start...and I also struggle with imagining unknown scenarios that I haven't already experienced, for want of a better phrase, so trying to think of future careers is more or less impossible for me as I can't "see" myself doing things I haven't already done.

My autism really limits me in so many ways...I struggle to process speech, especially in environments with a lot of background noise, so call centers are right out. I am almost certainly discalculic too, so anything involving maths is right out. Ditto anything customer facing...I can't drive so am limited to where I can get to... The list goes on and on....

Why do you think being autistic would barr you from jobs?

Many many companies now see autistic traits as been a huge asset to their workforce, when the person is in the right job with the right support. And they believe that the right support is worth providing as it generally forces their managers to manager better (clear instructions and feedback).l and doesn’t actually cost money.

What field do you work in?

The following firms have Autism at Work programmes that I know of:

Willis Towers Watson
Microsoft
Dell
EY
JP Morgan
Deutsche Bank
Ford Motors
IBM
Civil Service.

Charities like Ambitious About Autism and NAS offer support for individuals with autism and for disclosure and reasonable adjustments in the workplace.

Feel free to DM, I am autistic, used to hide my differences and then disclosed them to the firm I work for. I got the support I needed, turned out I am better at my job than I thought and now have more career options than I ever imagined. Part time I also support others with autism in work so please reach out, I would love to help.

Reasonable adjustments my firm were happy and willing to provide:

Quiet work space to retreat to when I need to concentrate on something.
Noise cancelling headset.
Screen films to dim the light from my PC.
Coaching on executive functions to help my with planning, time management, prioritisation.

You sound super humanly strong to have been coping for 4 years without any of that. Anyone who has capacity to cope with that, will be an asset to any employer.

user1471548941: I should perhaps have clarified that I have only ever had minimum wage roles in things like warehousing. I do understand that some companies look for autistic people, but those jobs require degrees and a high level of intelligence, neither of which I have.

The above list is mainly blue chip companies - all way out of my league, alas!

Poor you, I know the feeling, fuck this stupid world and it's measure of success. How have you treated people in life? Not everything is about having a certain house, job etc. Focus on small goals whilst you're looking for a new job. Don't look at the big picture, just do each thing at a time and tick it off. It's horrible to feel like this but you are not a failure.

There are loads of government departments in Sheffield. The civil service tend to be OK at reasonable adjustments.

I mean we make a difference in people's lives. Money and materials can be lost just like that. I am sort of in your situation at the moment. People feel sorry for me. Fuck that. I try to be kind every day, I pick new things to learn, laugh, small things and set small goals that lead up to a big one. Sounds cheesy but the only advice I can share.

Unfortunately I don't think I'd ever declare a disability when applying - it's a huge black mark against you for most jobs, I suspect.

In the public sector you are all but guaranteed a job interview with a disability disclosure.

@fleshmarketclose - Positive discrimination is actually illegal. Positive Action is practiced under ss.158 or 159 of the Equality Act 2010

I think the job centre get bad press, I've found them helpful

yunalis: I have heard that too but I have no relevant experience, alas.

Thank you and everyone else for suggestions though. I am searching Google for support services for autistic people and the results are based around supporting people already in work, less so finding autistic people jobs in the first place. Can anyone suggest more precise search terms for me - I am probably missing something obvious, as usual...

Job Centres are one of the most dehumanising experiences ever. Sending a hug xxx

People like you are exactly why these programmes exist.

To me you sound intelligent and articulate and these blue chip firms have realised that they are missing out on genuinely smart people because they do not make the right accommodations.

This includes the fact many people with autism end up doing roles that are beneath their true potential because of the difficulties. All we ask for is that someone has a willingness to learn, able to ask for assistance and can communicate either written or verbal in good English, which you clearly can.

I was a waitress. Now I’m in first level management in a global company with a pension plan. But for every me, there are probably 10 people like you who are struggling. I know what it feels like as I used to be there but I wish I could help everyone in this scenario.

You are worth a decent job with decent prospects. If we can’t help then definitely look into the support that NAS provide.

. I could be wrong, but with you having autism you would you be entitled to ESA rather than JSA.

@Myopininisvalid wrong terminology, my wording rather than their wording used. I will remember positive action though it sounds so much better, thank you.