I don’t want to see/hear my children after 7pm

[ToDreamOfSleep]

I’ve got 2 DC who can be lovely and fun most of the time, but I really hate being a parent after 7pm. I wish they’d leave me alone for 12 hours of peace. DS is 12 months old and DD just turned 4. It really is bloody draining.

They’re both still awake and it’s nearly 9pm! We’ve been a dark bedroom since 7pm trying to get them to sleep. DD now insists on sharing a bedroom with the baby (lots of spare room, but she’s afraid of the dark apparently) and they both keep each other awake when I’m trying to settle them.

DH is out of the house for 15-16 hours a day (including his 2.5 hours round trip commute). I’m a solo parent Monday to Friday and he often works from home over the weekend too. I didn’t even want children. That was all down to DH pushing to have kids. I suppose I’m feeling bitter that my life has gone to shit whilst his is moving on career wise.

I used to have an amazing career with lots of travel (reason I didn’t go back after first maternity leave) and a full, happy and exciting life. Now I’m bored. Being a SAHM is not in the slightest bit fulfilling. I never get time off, ever.

When DH is home he’s always tired, often grumpy.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. I suppose I don’t feel I can tell my friends that I often wish I could turn back time and remain childless. It’s a taboo topic I suppose.

I don’t know how to move forward. I’m shouty mummy right now. I just want them to leave me alone after they’ve had all of my love and attention all day and then a nice dinner, fun bubble bath and a couple of story books. I try my best, but it isn’t enough obviously, as they’re now crawling all over me and would get hysterical if I just left the room.

I’m trying to think of a solution and the only option seems to be separating from DH and then I can at least have EOW to myself.

I know I’m not thinking straight. I’ve got PND. DH hasn’t noticed. I even think about having an operation so that I can sleep alone with no disturbance.

Are these feelings something other people think? I know I should appreciate them, but I haven’t slept or been me for a very long time.

If you’ve read all of this, thank you. Even if no one replies, it helps to start thinking through next steps

Sounds tough, I have two with similar ages who share a room.

We had tough bed times a while back. I decided they needed routine and it mostly works. Big one in bed for 7pm for quiet time, while the little one has her last feed. Then when the little one is asleep, big one has to settle / lie down.

She’s usually asleep 10 minutes later.

Bless you, you sound drained and exhausted and no wonder. I don't have much in the way of practical advice, but I really value the time between DD going to bed at 7 and when I go to bed to get some time to myself, so I totally understand why you're finding it tough.

If your husband works such long and demanding hours, presumably he is a high earner? Is there any way of getting some paid-for help to give you a break? Have you spoken to your GP about the PND? Have you considered sleep training?

I enjoy being a mum and we have lots of fun during the day but it’s hard work. I had to go back to work full time when ds1 was little so I have felt very lucky now being in a position of only working one day a week as I have 2 kids now and am due a third soon.

In saying all that I turn into the wicked witch of the east if my kids are not in bed asleep by 7.30. I love my kids but want, need and feel I have earned a couple of hours peace at night as they are both up at 6am. I also cannot stand it when family members disrupt my kids bed time routine on a school night as the next morning the kids are sooo grumpy if they are later to sleep.

Pretty shit of dh to push for dc then actively avoid them by working weekends and so far away.

What are his plans for amending that to spend more time with the dc he insisted on having?

2. it gets better as they get older
3. you CAN go back to work

I feel exactly the same. I don’t want to know them between 7 and 7

Put the children in separate bedrooms.
Follow a strict bedtime routine.
Use the supernanny method for putting and keeping them in bed.

If you haven’t already, please speak to your GP/other HP about the PND as soon as you can. There is help available. You are probably knackered too, sleep deprivation makes everything seem so much worse.
If DH was so keen on kids then he should be parenting too. You are not getting the support you currently need either. A serious chat is needed, with realistic plans for change.

I think you’re being very honest. I also think your DH needs to understand that things need to change or this is going to sink you.
I had three under three and a couple of evenings a week I got a friend’s nanny to help me for a couple of hours in the evening (my DH didn’t get home til 8 most eves). Even just having another person around gave me a bit of sanity. Find some allies.

I was in your position. Would dream of breaking my leg so I could get some peace in a hospital bed. Parenting can feel so isolating even if you're surrounded by friends.
This time will pass and it will get easier. It really does. Just focus on that and get through it. Important to get the PND addressed too.

I work 3 days a week. I don't earn very much more than the childcare costs. But no way would I stop working, its a break from the relentless monotony of being a parent! I quite often find myself daydreaming about what I will do with my spare time when the DCs are older.
Also, if you eldest has just turned 4, then presumably they are due to start school in September? This will give you time during the day just looking after 1 child, so it will hopefully be easier for you.

I think you need to tell your 4 year old if she wants to sleep in with the baby then she needs to be a big girl and go to sleep nicely or she will have to go in a room on her own. Get a night light for the dark. Some people, me included are not cut out to be a SAHM. I would go back to work at least part time so you get a break from just being a Mum.

I hear you.
I've been a lone parent for a decade and I think this every day.
Unfortunately they don't even come in from playing until 8pm this time of year. I'm lucky if they're quiet by 10pm. I'm slowly going insane.

I hear you.

Could you look into going back to work? Perhaps a role involving less travel. Being a SAHP isn’t for everyone and there’s no shame in that.

Personally I’d insist on separate rooms if they’re keeping each other awake.

I'd also put them in separate bedrooms. Nightlight for DD - distraction from the dark etc.

You sound so exhausted. I remember exactly what that felt like, I really do and it's physically and emotionally draining. It can be shit.

Do you want to go back to work? If so, do it.

for you. It sounds like you’re having a really tough time.
Firstly, are you getting treatment for the pnd? There is help out there and you will get better. I had it, antidepressants massively helped me and there’s a great online community, especially on Twitter. Search the pndandme hashtag and pndhour. Lots of supportive people who understand exactly how you feel as they’ve been there.

Secondly, what support do you have other than your dh? Is there any? Could you open up to family/friends?

Have you spoken to your health visitor? They will have advice on sleep routines etc that might help you.

My kids are taking ages to wind down at the moment, but it is mid summer. In Winter I might feed them at 5, straight into bath and bed, but tonight they were running about under the sprinkler in the garden and I thought, so what? They were having a blast and for a while life was about pure fun. 9pm, they are asleep and I have yet to feed myself and prep for work tomorrow. But Summer is so short so I am just going with it for now.

I think it might be time to get some childcare and get a job.

My dh often say that the only
Thing that kept us sane during the baby years,was that even if they didn’t sleep through the night, at least our kids would sleep from 7-11:00 so we could have dinner and watch some non kids tv! Just a few bad evenings would have me feeling low.

If I were you I would

A) get a sleep nanny - I have never heard of anyone who regretted it.
B) find a babysitter at least one night a week so you can go out / with friends/yoga class whatever
C) get a plan for getting back to some sort of work.

It gets easier, it really does.

Sleep training. Honestly, it will save your sanity.

And separate rooms - you're the parent, you get to decide.

Never have understood that, mine never went to bed before 8pm, often later

stucknoue that’s helpful

Also just to add to add a couple of things that may help..
Routine (a must in my opinion) Milk, story, lullaby, sleep. Be gentle but firm with regard to the routine and don't budge.
Black out blinds
Close curtains upstairs during routine
Sleep whenever you can. I could'nt do this at the time but have since discovered sleep meditations (insight timer) that send me to sleep straight away.
Get a cleaner
Get husband to pull his weight
Listen to podcasts (feels like adult company)
Remember you are not unusual or weird. It's a shame more mum's don't verbalise how they are really feeling.
Use the mantra "This too shall pass"

Aw, mate.

It does get easier, I promise.