I don’t want to see/hear my children after 7pm

[ToDreamOfSleep]

I’ve got 2 DC who can be lovely and fun most of the time, but I really hate being a parent after 7pm. I wish they’d leave me alone for 12 hours of peace. DS is 12 months old and DD just turned 4. It really is bloody draining.

They’re both still awake and it’s nearly 9pm! We’ve been a dark bedroom since 7pm trying to get them to sleep. DD now insists on sharing a bedroom with the baby (lots of spare room, but she’s afraid of the dark apparently) and they both keep each other awake when I’m trying to settle them.

DH is out of the house for 15-16 hours a day (including his 2.5 hours round trip commute). I’m a solo parent Monday to Friday and he often works from home over the weekend too. I didn’t even want children. That was all down to DH pushing to have kids. I suppose I’m feeling bitter that my life has gone to shit whilst his is moving on career wise.

I used to have an amazing career with lots of travel (reason I didn’t go back after first maternity leave) and a full, happy and exciting life. Now I’m bored. Being a SAHM is not in the slightest bit fulfilling. I never get time off, ever.

When DH is home he’s always tired, often grumpy.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. I suppose I don’t feel I can tell my friends that I often wish I could turn back time and remain childless. It’s a taboo topic I suppose.

I don’t know how to move forward. I’m shouty mummy right now. I just want them to leave me alone after they’ve had all of my love and attention all day and then a nice dinner, fun bubble bath and a couple of story books. I try my best, but it isn’t enough obviously, as they’re now crawling all over me and would get hysterical if I just left the room.

I’m trying to think of a solution and the only option seems to be separating from DH and then I can at least have EOW to myself.

I know I’m not thinking straight. I’ve got PND. DH hasn’t noticed. I even think about having an operation so that I can sleep alone with no disturbance.

Are these feelings something other people think? I know I should appreciate them, but I haven’t slept or been me for a very long time.

If you’ve read all of this, thank you. Even if no one replies, it helps to start thinking through next steps

Big sympathy to you OP.
My children (now 6 years and 8) have never gone to sleep before 8.30pm even when ill. It's quite often 9.30pm and at one point the eldest was going to bed at 10pm and the youngest was waking me up every hour and then up for the day at 5am.
I get up a six am and work in a full on job three days a week. When I get home at 7.30-8pm the last thing I want to do is spend another hour and a half on bedtime.
It's definitely worse in the summer and with the clocks forward.
I always say 'I would be a much better parent if they went to bed earlier'

Now that dts are 8 I love having them up, we all have dinner, watch tv, play games.

When they were younger I counted down every minute to get them into bed from when hey woke up. It was bloody hard work.

Wow dp needs to man up and start being a father to his kids!

Why did he have dcs he never sees!

Tell him he needs to change his lifestyle or you want a split and he can have the kids 50/50. His nanny fees will be huge- maybe then he will start to appreciate you!

You need work.

Do it.

Get childcare and do it.

Separate bedrooms.

Bedtimes and go to sleep time. Hard work but absolutely will get easier. Never ever let them come downstairs.

Plan on going back to work (small children can be really boring) sooner rather than later.

Tell DH how you are feeling and he has to pull his weight. Mine are late teens and early teens and it's been hard and they are really interesting now.

OP I hear you, I've been there. It's so shit.

1. See GP and address PND. This will give you the strength to sort the other issues.

2. Your DP NEEDS to step up. The current situation isn't working for your family and things need to change - he must accept responsibility for that.

Things WILL get better, you will get some of your life back and feel more like yourself in time. Hang on in there, you're doing a really great job.

You are def not alone in wanting evenings to yourself! My older 2 are 8&10 and share a room, they are meant to be asleep by 8.30..... but to be honest as long as they are in their room quiet from 8 I don't mind if they read or talk quietly! My youngest is 18 months and she's usually asleep 7.45/8 because she still has a 2 hour nap in the day, the days she wakes up late from nap and doesn't go to bed until 9 are killers as by then I'm having shower n just getting straight into bed!

My husband like yours works long hours and isn't around to help in the week, I am currently staying at home since my youngest was born, I had worked full time 5 years before her so I am enjoying being at home and being there for school events and baby groups etc. My oldest has special needs which makes things even harder and I do need my evenings to get over the full on days!!

TeachesOfPeaches Mon 08-Jul-19 21:32:49
If you're having trouble getting them to bed can you just sit with them in the living room and put a kids film on or nighttime CBeebies? I do this and my 3 year old is asleep on the couch next to me and does it most nights.

I used to keep mine downstairs with me and my husband, there didn't seem much point in putting to bed if he didn't sleep. He was quite happy amusing himself, building things with lego etc. Then he went to sleep when he was ready, slept very well. I can remember when I was a small child being put to bed and lying awake in my room, my mind active. I'd have been better downstairs doing my own thing but my mum had strict ideas about bed times.

As others have said, it would help you to go back to work. I worked part time for a few years and it was great to go somewhere and do something that didn't involve the house and child care.

This will pass, op, and you'll be 'yourself' again but for now, a few changes are in order.

When I had PND I fantasised about having an op or being on a plane, just circling an airport in the sky so I could be alone.

It's the PND. I felt smothered all the time, even when the baby was in bed but especially during the day.

It went away entirely when I got better. Are you getting any help for the PND? I reluctantly took sertraline for 6 months, but it changed my life. It took a few weeks to kick in but I finally felt myself again. And increasingly more so over the 6 months and coming off it. It's been a year since I took the last pill and I've never looked back.

I’m sorry OP. Your DH needs to step up and do better.

I feel exactly the same, come bedtime I just want them to bugger off and leave me alone.

You have little to no support, no wonder you feel so down. Your husband needs to step up at the weekends and deal with them if you're not getting a break from it all week.

You really sound like you need some medical help. I question if a part time job and childcare would help, unless you can get a part time job as good as your old one, it probably will not. Simply some more adult company might be a good start.

Oh and just to add, I felt so much more myself when I went back to work. I'm a better mum this way and have struck a really good balance for our family. I've felt guilt about it but don't anymore as I know it's best for us all.

I think you should explore returning to work in some capacity if it's financially viable.

I think others have said it here, full or part time work might be the key to keeping your sense of self and time apart from your kids will make you miss them - I went back to work full time and actually I loved coming home to them in the evenings and looked forward to weekends but loved being at work and having my day and precious lunch hour to myself. Like you said, there's no break, not even a toilet one! Don't let money be an issue, at one point when both were under school age my entire salary went on nursery fees, but it was temporary and bloody worth it.

And also as others said, it will pass, they get less clingy and more independent and you find yourself pining for those days they would let you cuddle them and blow raspberries on their belly, my teenage DD would not be impressed if I tried that now!

Rachelover40 I'm a single parent and work full time so see no harm in my son staying in the living room with me - we also sleep in the same bed anyway!

Read so many horrific threads on MN about 2,3,4 hour bedtime routines - I don't see the point?

Totally agree with jellybeansincognito - there is no point planning to go back to work before you sort out the sleep issues, but that doesn’t have to take very long.

Sleep training should be non-negotiable. Particularly with a 4yo who presumably is at a normal stage of development for her age, she can understand simple instructions and know exactly why she needs to do whatever it is you tell her. I trained mine as babies using a book of routines that was popular in the mid-2000s but I believe has fallen out of favour lately, but in all honesty it saved my sanity. I’m sure there are resources for sleep training out there - maybe someone can recommend one?

The benefits to sleep training were, to me, incalculable. I was able to go back to work after mat leave at a demanding job without worrying I was going to be constantly awakened at stupid o’ clock for no reason. Having DCs who normally slept through the night meant that the few times they did wake I knew it was something that actually did require immediate attention and I was not in danger of either missing something important or resenting the interruption. I will never forget the first time DS slept from 11 til 6 - when I woke up with a start, and realised I had been sleeping all that time myself, the world really seemed like a different place: I felt like I might just be able to cope with motherhood, and we were going to be ok. We never really looked back after that.

You deserve that feeling too, OP! And you can get it. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but the effort will be so worth it. I don’t know if sorting the sleep issues will do anything for your PND, but it will hopefully enable you to remove one problem from the list of “too many things you’ve got going on right now”.

Good luck OP, and please do report back on how you’re getting on.

I even think about having an operation so that I can sleep alone with no disturbance

I dreamed of that, then I broke my foot and had general anaesthetic to put it back together. They had to drug me very lightly and give minimal pain relief because I had no childcare so needed to be able to go home the same day. I was up all night with DC despite having had surgery that afternoon. Had to walk on my foot despite the Drs advice because I had nobody else to cook and look after DC. DH said what do you expect me to do? I can’t just be off work with no notice? The bone healed improperly due to walking too much and I had to go back for another operation. People don’t suddenly step up to help you rest and sleep because you’ve got a broken bone! You still have to do everything you normally do, just with a broken bone.

We take no shit at bedtime in our house it's always been kiss goodnight, cuddle then light off and leave.Ds is 5 and goes to bed at 7,he'll sometimes creep back down for a fake wee or to "urgently" tell me something but then its straight back up with a firm goodnight love you.Im like most parents I need/want need my adult time and for 3 hours after his bedtime me and dh can do our own thing which is bliss.

YOu need to talk to your DP clearly his travel and his job and you as a SAHM is not working and it needs a change. Why should he have the career and you not - you need to get the balance right

Why is his commute and hours so long - that is ridiculous and unsustainable for both of you

Could you both work and find different jobs and split the working and taking care of your kids

I didn’t even want children. That was all down to DH pushing to have kids.

How did you end up as the SAHP? If you enjoyed your career, and he's the one who wanted kids, why didn't he become a SAHD?

There's no reason you can't go back to work - your oldest will be in school soon, and the youngest is old enough for at least PT nursery.

I had PND with DD2 (although never officially diagnosed as such), and it was completely cured by going back to work after mat leave. Adult company, the ability to concentrate on something for more than 30 secs, and 5 mins to myself for loo breaks worked wonders!

If you're not already then you desperately need some help with your PND. Please see a GP and tell them how you feel.

Sending you a hug OP - you’re like a single parent but with a husband some of the time which must be extremely tough.

I went through a phase with my DD (9 months) just a month ago and she refused to go to sleep before 9pm. This was all happening during a period of hardship for me, my father died suddenly. It was really tough and mentally I felt like I was hanging on my a thread. Having been a single parent myself I honestly know how you are feeling right now but I promise it does get easier.

Have you thought about going back to work? Could you afford the childcare? I think being a SAHM is one of the hardest jobs both
Mentally and physically - it’s just draining and there’s no tangible remuneration.

I think you need to speak to your husband and tell him how you feel.

Also, I agree with Chihuahua - we have strict bedtimes too. My me-time after 8pm is too valuable not to prioritise. It took hard work to reinforce it, but we've kept it consistent right from when they were little, so now (they're 5 and 7), they're both in bed by 8pm every night with no arguments.

I can't say exactly what will help you solve your immediate problem within getting them to sleep at a good time, because all children are different. Imposing a new order on the evening will probably be harder in the short-term. But I promise it will be easier in the long run.

Maybe try a reverse-glo clock? Make it turn off at (e.g.) 8.30 and say that at that time there's no more playing and mummy goes downstairs. If they call down, go upstairs and put them back to bed without a word (you'll probably need to do it repeatedly at first - supernanny style). Then slowly bring the glo-clock settings forward by 15 mins each week until you're at 7.30 (or whatever).

Sleep training - contact health visitor Counselling referral and GP This stage WILL pass Communication with DH Glass of wine

four year old, sleep training and a baby gate. It is not fair on the baby who may if left alone be a good sleeper. Gro clock sleep trainer black out blinds and stick to a routine.

www.amazon.co.uk/Gro-Company-Gro-Clock-Sleep-Trainer/dp/B002APJCNE?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

www.amazon.co.uk/s?ref=nb_sb_ss_i_5_6&crid=2EUJFGBUHMYP6&sprefix=black+%2Cbaby%2C157&i=baby&k=black+out+blind&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

DH said what do you expect me to do? I can’t just be off work with no notice?

I can't really imagine what job your DH is doing where he really could not be off work. If he's an astronaut and the moon landing was planned for that day, maybe. Otherwise OMG, he let you hobble around on a broken foot?