I don’t want to see/hear my children after 7pm

[ToDreamOfSleep]

I’ve got 2 DC who can be lovely and fun most of the time, but I really hate being a parent after 7pm. I wish they’d leave me alone for 12 hours of peace. DS is 12 months old and DD just turned 4. It really is bloody draining.

They’re both still awake and it’s nearly 9pm! We’ve been a dark bedroom since 7pm trying to get them to sleep. DD now insists on sharing a bedroom with the baby (lots of spare room, but she’s afraid of the dark apparently) and they both keep each other awake when I’m trying to settle them.

DH is out of the house for 15-16 hours a day (including his 2.5 hours round trip commute). I’m a solo parent Monday to Friday and he often works from home over the weekend too. I didn’t even want children. That was all down to DH pushing to have kids. I suppose I’m feeling bitter that my life has gone to shit whilst his is moving on career wise.

I used to have an amazing career with lots of travel (reason I didn’t go back after first maternity leave) and a full, happy and exciting life. Now I’m bored. Being a SAHM is not in the slightest bit fulfilling. I never get time off, ever.

When DH is home he’s always tired, often grumpy.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. I suppose I don’t feel I can tell my friends that I often wish I could turn back time and remain childless. It’s a taboo topic I suppose.

I don’t know how to move forward. I’m shouty mummy right now. I just want them to leave me alone after they’ve had all of my love and attention all day and then a nice dinner, fun bubble bath and a couple of story books. I try my best, but it isn’t enough obviously, as they’re now crawling all over me and would get hysterical if I just left the room.

I’m trying to think of a solution and the only option seems to be separating from DH and then I can at least have EOW to myself.

I know I’m not thinking straight. I’ve got PND. DH hasn’t noticed. I even think about having an operation so that I can sleep alone with no disturbance.

Are these feelings something other people think? I know I should appreciate them, but I haven’t slept or been me for a very long time.

If you’ve read all of this, thank you. Even if no one replies, it helps to start thinking through next steps

Oh yes, I've had the dream (if that's the right word) of a nice hospital visit, preferably with a general anaesthetic so that I can get some good sleep without feeling lazy or guilty.

I also mourned every time DS dropped a nap and I felt like I was having time stolen from me and was exhausted at the thought of having to entertain him for even more hours in the day.

I'm pretty sure I had PND but never got help. I am through the other side now and look forward to my days off with him. If I had the time again I would get help with the hope I could get through the PND quicker as I feel like it robbed me of any enjoyment of having a baby. It is also what is stopping me having another as I couldn't bear to feel like that again.

If it is PND you will get though it but get help. Is there anyway you could go back to work even a few days a week. I found this helped massively as it gave me room to breathe. The thing I loved most about going back to work was going to the toilet ALONE. Such a luxury.

In answer to your question:
Are these feelings something other people think?
Yes, I think a lot of mums feel like this from time to time, I certainly have done. I remember the ballache that bedtime was with a baby/toddler, lying on their floor in the dark waiting for them to just fucking go to sleep and wanting to scream - all I wanted was a few hours to myself before I went to bed. Everyone needs time for themselves and having small children is absolutely relentless. You’re doing a great job and your children clearly love you to bits.
You need to concentrate on yourself too though and it might be helpful for you to seek support for your PND and look into possibility of going back to work in some way to get some independence back for yourself. It will get better

Aw, your dh should have thought about his role of parenting before suggesting kids.
He has been very selfish and needs to find local work that allows him to do his share of parenting and childcare.
Then you can go back to work and he can hold the babies.

Can you afford to send them both to a childminder for a couple of mornings a week ?

Sounds like being a SAHP isn't for you. 12 hours is a push for most children, I think maybe you're expecting too much of them. With the light nights and early mornings, 9pm isn't late for pre-schoolers. If you're not enjoying it I'd go back to work. Could your husband reduce his hours if you went back?

You are so worn out that you can't assert yourself with the four year old - I remember this so very well. They grind you down. But you really have to explain tomorrow in the day time that things are going to change about bedrooms, she doesn't get to insist on staying with the baby, she is four and you are in charge.

You have my sympathy, I too used to fantasise about an illness requiring hospitalisation. Have you help with your PND? I hope so, you just sound worn out with it all

you are not alone, I have days where I feel exactly the same and my DP is here at bedtimes/weekends so it's completely understandable that you feel that way if you're doing 90% of the care.

Parenting is hard hard work, anyone who says it isn't is lying to you and to themselves

Shit you poor thing. God up until a month or so ago I used to book myself into a dayuse hotel at £80 a pop just to shut the curtains and sleep 😩 I counted down to DS bedtime because he didn't sleep through until he just turned 1. It's better now because I started using the crèche at my gym to find time to myself. It's expensive but I cut back on other things just to have that bit of time out.
Sending you strength 😇

OP, I felt like this when mine were little (SAHM). I used to fantasise about going to prison, just to have a break. XH was always at work.

Don't worry at the moment about whether you want to work or not. What you need, now, is to have a good 12 hour stretch (genuine illness aside) when you are not with your children. Only once that's established can you then think about the rest of it.

Because I saw my DC for 12 hours solidly, every single day, in the days before ipads, phones, electronic distractions etc (didn't even have a TV), I was totally engaged with them the whole bloody time. The pay-off for that was that I didn't want to see or hear them after 7PM. Bedtimes were absolutely not negotiable. Before they could tell the time, they had clocks with animals on them, and knew they could get up only once the hands were at certain animals.

That makes it all sound so easy, but it wasn't. The only thing that helped me was that I did it right from the start so they didn't know any different. They did sometimes try it on, but I'd take them straight back, say goodnight, and leave. No engagement. No rubbing, cuddling, back-stroking, hand-holding. It sounds heartless now I write it down, but it was this that enabled me to be nice, fun, engaged, happy mummy during the day. And even then, I still wanted a stint in prison.

Agree with those who say separate rooms for the DC. DD is four. She doesn't get a say in where she sleeps. You introduce her to her own bedroom with its lovely new bedding/new cuddly toys/nightlight if that's what it takes - but you stick to it. You really need this time, even if all you do is sit and stare into space.

Have you told your DH what you've said in your OP?

Hugs first. Sounds really hard. And in no particular order

• Sahm to two under 5 is really tough and doesn’t suit everybody. I went back to work and it has worked well. Can you think about this (even if not immediately)
• can you get some help? PND is really tough. Don’t suffer alone
• separate bedrooms for the kids (or else they will never go to sleep) and it is good practice for when 4 year old goes to school

Ideally a more helpful husband (but that is harder)
And it will get better - under 5s is the toughest bit And don’t feel guilty - loads of people don’t like the under 5s bit and wish they hadn’t done it (you might find you are more a natural 6-10 year old parent - I was

Why don't you go back to work? I'm definitely not cut out for full time SAHP. It's fine and normal to want something for yourself. Start applying for jobs and see how you feel if you get offered something.

Move closer to your husbands work
Get a nanny if you have space.
Go back to work and reclaim your life, not everyone is cut out for staying at home with children.
Tell your husband to get more involved with the children he wanted

I gave up work after my second as I was paying to work. I found it sooo boring. My husband also worked long hours and was frequently away. I kept my older child going to all day nursery twice a week when my second was born, and then she went one day a week when she was one, upping my son to three, then when he went to school she went to nursery two days a week all day. It keep me sane.
Get some help in or take them to daycare. Tell your husband that you are struggling and he needs to either change his job or cut his hours. Go back to work!

If you're having trouble getting them to bed can you just sit with them in the living room and put a kids film on or nighttime CBeebies? I do this and my 3 year old is asleep on the couch next to me and does it most nights.

I would consider going back to work and getting a Nanny/au pair/babysitter. I work full time but very close to home. I have quality mornings, bedtimes and weekends with the kids where I can focus and be fun and loving, and I'm only able to do it because I am out at work the rest of the time

You not a sole parent OP At least you have more financial security than actual lone parents.

That said most of the childcare shouldn't be put on you so I can see where you are coming from?. Get your DH to stop bringing work home that would make a start.

How many hours is your DH working? because it sounds like too many if he wanted children.

I would be telling your DH that he is looking after the kids for a few hours at the weekend so you can go and do whatever the hell you want.

I totally get it, mine were good sleepers and fine at going to bed and having an evening really kept me sane. They are much older now and tbf don’t need as much work but they’re up late in the evening now and it drives me nuts

Mine are in the same room and really bad at bed time at the moment. I try and put one down first, so at least calm when other sneaks in. I'm splitting them up soon. I also escape to work 3 days a week.

I found anti-depressants really helped with PND. They made me able to stay calm and cope rather than react. Please go to your doctor and talk to them about how you feel.

I found going back to work on little sleep and really hard. It would be even harder if you have limited help..

Similar situation. My son is 2.5 and doesn’t sleep great at all. Even yesterday we had a full on day and he didn’t nap but refused to go to sleep until after 10pm. He wakes up still in the night too and I just feel constantly on call and miserable and nobody else seems to understand it.

I have a 4 year old too who for some reason recently has started waking up crying so it’s a nightmare.

You have my sympathies!

Also the comments about going to work- let’s face it, it’s not going to make your kids go to bed. You’ll be dealing with that, then going to work and then dealing with them until late again. It’s not going to change anything and just sounds harder to me (I’m a sahm too)

I’m amazed you are still functioning!
PPs are right, you need to find nursery/childminder/ nanny and plan going back to work.
And you have every right to have quiet child-free time after 7 pm!

After 7pm I get angry quickly. Before then, I’m really patient. I’m working on it.
I do separate rooms, with black out blind and whatever makes it easier eg tv for older one whilst I put youngest to bed. Same routine every night (but not bath every night it’s too much work for me). I put music on for the older one if they can’t sleep straight away. You need some help - it’s too much on your own every night. It’s the relentlessness of it.

If your DH could take them EOW if you divorced, why can’t he take them EOW now?