I don’t want to see/hear my children after 7pm

[ToDreamOfSleep]

I’ve got 2 DC who can be lovely and fun most of the time, but I really hate being a parent after 7pm. I wish they’d leave me alone for 12 hours of peace. DS is 12 months old and DD just turned 4. It really is bloody draining.

They’re both still awake and it’s nearly 9pm! We’ve been a dark bedroom since 7pm trying to get them to sleep. DD now insists on sharing a bedroom with the baby (lots of spare room, but she’s afraid of the dark apparently) and they both keep each other awake when I’m trying to settle them.

DH is out of the house for 15-16 hours a day (including his 2.5 hours round trip commute). I’m a solo parent Monday to Friday and he often works from home over the weekend too. I didn’t even want children. That was all down to DH pushing to have kids. I suppose I’m feeling bitter that my life has gone to shit whilst his is moving on career wise.

I used to have an amazing career with lots of travel (reason I didn’t go back after first maternity leave) and a full, happy and exciting life. Now I’m bored. Being a SAHM is not in the slightest bit fulfilling. I never get time off, ever.

When DH is home he’s always tired, often grumpy.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. I suppose I don’t feel I can tell my friends that I often wish I could turn back time and remain childless. It’s a taboo topic I suppose.

I don’t know how to move forward. I’m shouty mummy right now. I just want them to leave me alone after they’ve had all of my love and attention all day and then a nice dinner, fun bubble bath and a couple of story books. I try my best, but it isn’t enough obviously, as they’re now crawling all over me and would get hysterical if I just left the room.

I’m trying to think of a solution and the only option seems to be separating from DH and then I can at least have EOW to myself.

I know I’m not thinking straight. I’ve got PND. DH hasn’t noticed. I even think about having an operation so that I can sleep alone with no disturbance.

Are these feelings something other people think? I know I should appreciate them, but I haven’t slept or been me for a very long time.

If you’ve read all of this, thank you. Even if no one replies, it helps to start thinking through next steps

I don't have any advice for you but wanted to send you a hug x

Big 🤗 from me. Agree that you should try to see doctor about pnd. I was home with my two (2 year gap) for the first 5 years and had pnd with DS. I've been on antidepressants for years now and it's made things much more manageable. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but it does get easier - one of mine was a dream sleeper and the other one a total nightmare - every night in with them etc etc and entire evenings gone every night and it's so hard. It's not necessarily fixable exactly there's no magic wand to wave but definitely other options that have been suggested that can help..i know our family dynamic changed a lot over the years and if you can get your partner to help more and be more adaptable or some more support it will help . I never intended to be at home for 5 years but at that stage it was the right thing to do for me. My husband hasn't always been as supportive as I would have liked but it is hard when you're in the middle of it. Tonight for the first time ever we went for walk with dog just the two of us mine are 12 and 10 now and we could leave them at home which felt good. Have you family that can help /give you more of a break?

Hollow laugh. Mine are 5 and nearly 9. Activities in the eve mean they are regularly up at 9.30 or gone 10. Even though they really need their sleep! As they get older it seems you get less and less of an evening to yourself .

When my kids were your kids ages we were at least getting most of the evening off.

Have you considered going back to work? Would you have to do the lots of travel or is there a different job based on the same skill set that you can still do? Or maybe pursue a slightly different career presumably if you were senior in your old job you still have plenty of skills now you've not been out of the workforce too long.

I think I'm a better parent for being away from home and I find that having to spend too much time with my children makes me shouting mummy too!

Also can your DH not flex a bit and you flex a bit and you both get to work and you both get to spend time with the children and it's not all falling disproportionately on you?

I completely, totally get where you're coming from. I had pnd, starting to feel much better/normal now though. I used to day dream about going into hospital or getting sick so I could have time off too! Desperately missed my old job too. What's helped is me and dp alternate doing bedtime and getting dc up in the morning. I also spend at least one, usually 2, days a month completely without dc doing my own thing.

You really need time to yourself for your own sanity. How can you do.this? Why the hell is your partner working 16 hour days and weekends?? You've really got to talk to him about this. Can dc go to nursery just one day a week at least?

Big hugs

‘I’m trying to think of a solution and the only option seems to be separating from DH and then I can at least have EOW to myself.’ I had EXACTLY this thought. Also the one about an operation.

PPs have lots of useful advice. If possible, for a short term investment:

• My number one huge impact advice is to get childcare. Ie nursery for older one, someone who can take the baby for a day or two a week so you have time to yourself. And time with individual children. Really important if your DH is working such long hours, if you can afford it. If you can’t afford it: why the hell is your DH working such long hours?!
• PLEASE put your two in separate rooms if they are disturbing each other. Your four year old can ‘insist’ on anything. They are four years old.
• don’t feel guilty about disliking being a sahm or missing your old life. It’s totally normal.
• see the doctor about PND

Poor you. Have you told your H how you feel and how this is affecting you?
Why is he working so far away and SO long hours when HE wanted the children? It is really, really unfair of him.

Dealing with now, get teh 4 yo into her own room. Mine kept eachother awake and it was dreadful. Separate rooms and the older one just konked out. Younger then, not distracted went to sleep easier too.

I can't really imagine what job your DH is doing where he really could not be off work
They’d have let him be off for his sickness. But my sickness isn’t really their responsibility iyswim. I don’t think there’s any legal requirement to give an employee paid leave for their spouse’s sickness? He’d probably have been sacked if he stayed off for a month and missed all his deadlines.

Anyway my point was that if someone’s DH isn’t stepping up in the good times he won’t step up in the bad times either. I could be dying and my DH would still expect my DM to step up before he does because he thinks he’s far too important to be off work.

It's difficult when it's not what you've signed up for and you've made the first step in talking about it. I think you should speak to your GP about the PND. Can the triggers that are causing this be changed? Is it possible for you to have a nanny or a childminder whilst you work or even have a break? It sounds like you are resentful towards your children because of this which is understandable in the circumstances and we've all been there at one time or another, it's what you do next to draw a line and move on that matters. Remember that this is the toughest job and seek the changes that can make it the most rewarding too. Good luck!

separating from DH and then I can at least have EOW to myself
I thought this too. But if he was willing to free up EOW he’d be doing it already. Divorce won’t make any difference to the fact that he’s constantly too busy to look after his DC.

Do you have anyone in real life to talk to?

" 9pm isn't late for pre-schoolers."

Wow. I'm sure I was at secondary school before I had a 9pm or later bedtime.
My dm sent us to bed too early for a rest as well, common theme on the 'weird rules' thread currently ongoing.

First off get to your gp. Make a start on addressing your PND. It doesn't just go away easily by itself. I used to drive along and think if I just drove into the next tree it would all be over. I was that shouty mother. I was a complete bitch. I took anti depressants on and off after 3 of my kids and they helped. After the 4th I had everyone on standby to look out for PND symptoms but I was much better that time. I'd had counselling and had more support. It's nothing to be ashamed of so tell your Dh. Keeping it from him will make it worse for you.

Then you should think about going back to work. Whose idea was it that you stay home? It's great that you tried it. It's perfectly ok that it isn't working out for you. Its definitely not for everyone. Your Dh can't just shirk his parental responsibilities so you both need to figure out what childcare options will suit both your working hours etc. He needs to support you going back to work. Get working on your CV and see what's out there.

Seperate rooms are a must if the kids are keeping each other awake. Get dd a night lite for her room. Look up how to establish firm routine for bed time and stick with it. Think of the evenings ahead when you can have them both down by 7.30/8pm. It's doable with perseverance.

I have an insane amount of respect for SAHM's you're all amazing!!! So chances are you aren't giving yourself nearly enough credit for what you're doing!!

You sound drained, and overwhelmed by everything you've got going on, maybe sit down and have a chat with your DH, maybe it's not that he doesn't care/isn't supportive it could be that he is genuinely oblivious to how you feel, and you never know he could really step up once he knows! Ask him for some support especially at bedtime!

I hope things get better for you, be kind to yourself too, you're doing an amazing job and we've all felt like you at some point

This is why nobody should EVER have children if they don’t want to and especially not for someone else!

1. Childcare for both kids. Good for them, good for you. Will wear them out a little. The bedtimes will only get later if they are night owls so then:
2. Use the childcare to get to the GP for an honest conversation about your mental wellbeing. Don’t put it off until the depression becomes chronic. Then:
3. Use the childcare to get back to work. Adult conversation, freedom to buy a sandwich when you’re hungry or use the loo when you need to. Proper paid job, not volunteering - be cautious about being fully financially dependent on a man who doesn’t help or notice you.

It can get better.

Sounds like you need to go back to work.

It doesn't matter if it includes travel - it's your DH's turn to make sacrifices. He can figure out a way to make sure that the DC are looked after when you have to go away with work. Maybe he can change jobs or find a decent au pair or whatever. Let him figure it out. Childcare isn't exclusively your responsibility just because you have a vagina.

How did last night go, OP?

AriadneesWeb I would expect my DH to at least take a few days off so I could have proper painkillers and surgery in this situation. And then to sort out some help.
I get the point though that unhelpful husbands do not become any nicer in those situations.

Ariadnee and you’re still him because....? He sounds unspeakably horrendous, time for him to make sacrifices for HIS CHILDREN! Your post has made me furious.

OP I struggle to see how you’ve ended up with 2 kids and being a SAHP if you didn’t want children? Obviously too late and pointless to look back in hindsight now but did you never voice your feelings? Go back to work, to the job you loved with the travel. You’ve made the sacrifices for the last 4 years so now it’s your DH turn. Don’t ask, tell him that’s what’s happening. Be assertive. You don’t have to just roll over and let things happen to you if you don’t want them

Oh OP that sounds so hard.
As much as she wants to, I think the baby is too small to share at the moment.
DS was an absolute bugger at bedtime and we did the super nanny method when he first came out of his cot.

It took a fortnight but he eventually got it. We have a baby gate on his bedroom door too as his door is at the top of the stairs that gets shut when we come up to bed so he can’t go wandering in the night and fall. Usually the threat of shutting the gate is enough to make him stay in bed.

Regarding your DH I think you need to talk openly and honestly about how you need support. It’s not at all fair leaving you with the kids. 16 hours is a very long day, could he change jobs?