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Original poster

Can someone explain sugar daddies to me

92 replies

Progress2019 · 06/07/2019 19:49

I think I must be missing something. It seems very wrong, and sick to me. My daughters friend has a sugar daddy that she sees twice a month. She met by him contacting her on social media (instagram I think). I presume she must have had something on there that made him think she’d do it, but I don’t know.

Its been going on a while, and involves large sums of money in return for sex acts, but not actual sex. In the beginning she wanted friends there for her own safety. My daughter and another girl went once (not watching, but there). Daughter said he was nice, and polite, but that it was vile. Hes 60.

Last night he asked in advance if she’d have sex with him for three times the money. She agreed and it happened. My daughter met her later and the girl is ok.

Im horrified by this, and I feel I have three options

  • Leave it alone. Not my circus etc (but what if something bad happens)
  • Tell the police and let them contact her parents
  • Find her parents myself. Ive never met them, my husbands taken her home before and met them. He said they live in an expensive area, and were cool, although not exactly rude to him. Hed picked them up after my daughter rang him in a panic because the girl was fighting.

I asked my sensible friend what she thought I should do, and she says its normal nowadays, and that her daughter was interested in it (beautiful girl, with good job and boyfriend).

I feel like ive been living under a rock or something. Am I massively over reacting?

Ive written this post so many times, i’m genuinely worried. Please don’t be horrible to me.

OP posts:
museumum · 06/07/2019 21:53

It’s prostitution. But it can be seductive. Nothing you can do except be there when/if she wants out and keep communication channels open with your own dd.

wowfudge · 06/07/2019 22:00

There's a lot more to this than it first seemed. As much as your DD seems to care about her friend, do you really want her to be with this woman? I'd be counselling her against continuing a friendship with someone who doesn't respect her or her things. However fucked up this young woman is, that doesn't give her the right to physically hurt your daughter or trash her possessions.

Lakefront · 06/07/2019 22:00

If she is over the age of 16 she's open-minded sexually to what he's asking her and she's consenting I really don't see it's any of your business. Prostate massage is a regular thing in a lot of regular people's sex lives

Original poster
Progress2019 · 06/07/2019 22:09

Lakefront I hear what you’re saying and that’s why I asked here, because I literally have no experience of this.

It isn’t my business, but my daughter is coming to me for advice and I’m no use, as I have no idea.

The girl does seem happy enough, but gets very violent afterwards which makes me think that inside she’s not happy.

It’s very hard to see, or hear about something like this and not want to make things better. I’d have thought most people would feel the same?

OP posts:
Lakefront · 06/07/2019 22:17

I appreciate that you're worried anybody would be but you can't take responsibility for other people's issues if they don't come to you for help. I would advise your daughter to maybe keep a little bit of a distance and not give more of herself then she feels comfortable with to this friend and her situation. I probably have slightly different Viewpoint the most people on this because I do work in the sex industry

Bluerussian · 06/07/2019 22:22

This thread illustrates the fact that it is unwise to confide your biggest secrets to anyone, including your best friend. The girl probably never dreamed that your daughter would tell you.

As she is so aggressive and badly behaved, it would be best for your daughter to phase herself out of this friendship. Please advise her to do this because the girl is dangerous.

There really is nothing you can do, best to stay out of it. I hope nothing awful happens and that the 'sugar daddy' relationship comes to a natural end. However it will be difficult to give up that sort of money - not your problem though.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 06/07/2019 22:40

massage his prostate? I’m not googling what that is, but I’m guessing, and I want to vomit. It seems to me it could get more and more degrading and disgusting.

It just means massaging the area behind the scrotum, because that's where the prostate gland is inside the male body. It's a turn on for most men.

Sorry, OP but what purpose does your feigned innocence serve ?

You've got a daughter so you know how babies are made. Some people enjoy recreational sex.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/07/2019 22:42

Overtly sexualised behaviour in a girl so young is frightening OP. I suspect she's been abused herself, and I know that's no comfort to you or your DD who has been assaulted and intimidated by her, but I fear she's angry and hurting and needs support so I think the police or SS is the way to go.

And obviously encourage your DD to distance herself, for her own safety.

It's a hell of a situation, I don't envy you. But you're right, your priority has to be your DD. But if her friend could get help too that would be even better.

Ginger1982 · 06/07/2019 22:42

Erm...why is your daughter even friends with this person? She's assaulted her, broken her phone and generally treats her like crap? I'm sorry but this girl's issues are not for you or your daughter to be concerned about. It might sound harsh but I would get your daughter to dump her ASAP.

marl · 06/07/2019 22:44

If I were you I would have to report it, for reasons of my own DD's wellbeing, the vulnerability of this girl and also the fact that he is now trying to involve other teenagers. I would also as a matter of principle not want a man of this age to be able to exploit young vulnerable women just because he has cash. Are the girls both at school/college? The other way to do it is let the school know your concerns. They would 'have' to alert the LADO I think, as the situation is really prostitution which would mean that at least the girls would be given some support and the situation would be investigated. The man also may have a history of course...

Pipandmum · 06/07/2019 22:55

Sugar daddy is like a mistress type arrangement but with a much bigger age difference - the man is old enough to be her ‘daddy’.
I would be appalled that anyone would accept this as ok for their child.
Your daughters friend is a prostitute. She thinks she’s safe as she’s not walking the streets but she’s not. In a couple years the guy will want a younger model and this friend will be too old. Then what will she do?
You could tell her parents but the girl will deny it and you will not be thanked.

Original poster
Progress2019 · 06/07/2019 22:59

No feigned innocence believe me. I thought it was like a prostate exam and she’d have to stick her finger up his arse. Please don’t be so rude, I know the area, I’ve been married 22 years, but I’ve never heard it called that before.

I think they girl might be at college but I’m not sure. My daughter isn’t.

I think I’m going to leave it, and keep an eye from a distance. DD wants to continue seeing her, as she says she needs friends who aren’t just after money, but she’s going to only see her when her boyfriends there too. We don’t want her to see her anymore, but she’s 18. I can only guide.

Thank you all very much for your advice. I’ve read it all and learned a lot. I’m going to watch the documentary and get DD to as well. She’ll read this thread too.

OP posts:
Myfoolishboatisleaning · 06/07/2019 23:03

Lakefront, surely if you work in the sex industry you would be more horrified than most about this kind of exploitation?

Original poster
Progress2019 · 06/07/2019 23:07

Pipandmum what you’ve written is EXACTLY how I see it. This man might be clean and courteous (and also potentially the age of her grandfather) but when he moves on, (and apparently he’s had other girls before) does she look for other men?

Her parents must have an idea. When you have children you see all their clothes and gadgets. I don’t think mine could hide £1000 from me let alone nearer 10.

OP posts:
Millimat · 06/07/2019 23:07

I'm so naive! DD is only 2 years younger and it's scary to think that could be her soon.
I'm sickened at the thought tbh. The man obviously knows is not right or how else could be be paying such a huge amount of money?

Lakefront · 06/07/2019 23:14

I would be uncomfortable with the fact that this girl is working independently with no backup or checks. I believe that sex work is a valid choice if people are choosing to do that At my workplace we aim to provide a safe clean respectful space so people who choose to do this can safely and without judgment.

Lakefront · 06/07/2019 23:14

Above was in reply to millimat

Original poster
Progress2019 · 06/07/2019 23:18

Lakefront, I’m presuming you have done sort of security?

OP posts:
MenuPlant · 06/07/2019 23:18

It's illegal to pay for sex with someone under 18 in the uk, I believe.

If she gets violent after and breaks things then it doesn't sound like it's great for her tbh

MenuPlant · 06/07/2019 23:22

Lakefront you work in the sex industry and are AOK with 16yo in your workplace / on the books?

Consent to sex age uk is18 but sex industry over 18 I am bothered that you don't know that.

16 is so young.

18 is too but the fact you are OK with 16yo being paid for sex is, it's not great. And illegal.

Original poster
Progress2019 · 06/07/2019 23:22

I don’t know how I forgot, I wrote this in an earlier post, but deleted it (about 6 times).

Yesterday afternoon after the meeting when my daughter was there, she was cutting herself. It’s very clear that whatever she says, she isn’t enjoying this. She doesn’t need the money, her parents are rich and haven’t put her on the streets.

OP posts:
pallisers · 06/07/2019 23:26

christ it is grim that a 17 year old can be doing prostate massage on a 60 year old and other sex acts for money and people say "well it is legal"

It is fucking awful.

I would tell her parents without thinking twice. That girl needs help.

Lakefront · 06/07/2019 23:29

Well she's not 16 and I didn't say we had 16 year olds on our books. Also I'm not in the UK and where I work is licensed and registered. In regards to security yes we do we run a very tight ship here and have done successfully for the last 20 years.

QueenofPain · 06/07/2019 23:30

Tread carefully if you’re considering telling her parents. They could find the whole matter too unsavoury to contemplate and simply cut her off and kick her out, leaving her 100x more vulnerable than she already is.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 06/07/2019 23:31

I thought it was like a prostate exam and she’d have to stick her finger up his arse.

No. That's a medical exam. She might have to stick her finger up his arse if that's what been paid for (without and invidulator present)

Or maybe stick a vibrator or dildo or any other, 'insertion' dependent on what he wants.

Yes, people actually do this.

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