I just need to put up with this, don't I?

[highdo]

MIL is a nice, well-meaning woman who has been known to overstep the mark, hurt my feelings unintentionally or do things with DD which I have asked her not to or which I disagree with. If something she has done has upset me I usually keep it to myself, but this week it was something big (related to DD's safety and something we have previously expressed concern about her doing) so I told DH who agreed with my concerns and spoke to PILs gently. He said it went well but now has received messages from FIL saying MIL is upset, I've been "off" with her recently, she'll be avoiding us for a while, etc. DH is now very upset, angry and shouting at me that I have "made his bad week worse" etc. This is the usual pattern on the rare occasion I ask him to mention something to MIL (happened probably 3-4 times in a decade)- if DH agrees with me he reluctantly mentions it, conversation is fine then FIL says MIL has been upset, I get bullied into apologising to MIL. I feel like my concerns don't matter and that I just need to "put up and shut up". I tried to explain this to DH but he just says I am making things worse. What can I do here? I feel my hands are tied.

No, you don't have to put up with it - nor should you.
Tell DH that from now on he is responsible for taking DD to visit MIL so there is no way you can upset her in future.
If she looks after DD while you work, find someone else to do it.

Tell him to grow the fuck up. Your MIL just doesn't want to be called out on whatever she did concerning dd's safety. She needed to be told and if she can't accept that, as a grown woman, then she might not be best placed to have unsupervised access to your dd. I wouldn't give a damn how upset she claimed to be. She's just trying to turn it around to make you look like the bad one so that she gets bloody sympathy. I'd ignore the bloody lot of them for a while, your dh included, until they start acting like adults again.

She's not well meaning. She's sly and playing all of you for dicks. You've got a fight coming up I'm afraid. Might have to walk if you DH won't grow a spine and back his wife and child when his mother takes the piss. Sympathies OP but don't back down here or you'll be trodden on for the rest of your life...

Ok thank you I feel better reading those replies. DH is really laying it on thick and making me feel really awful. I don't want to apologise to MIL, quite simply I haven't done anything wrong. I usually concede for an easier life but I don't want to! I am always the bad guy. Nobody is allowed to ever question MIL, FIL steps in and defends her fiercely. Somehow DH accepts this dynamic but won't even consider that I might be in the right for once.

No. Nip this in the bud, if you can. I would suggest you don't apologise, and ignore the sulking. If you don't come running it might discourage her, or at least not reward the bad behaviour.

And ignore 'D'H's sulking. He is caught up in Fear Obligation and Guilt. You don't have to be.

Well you must remind your DH that you were in agreement and just because MIL has taken it badly it doesn’t mean that you were wrong.

United you stand. Divided you fall.

Is your DH not concerned about DDs safety too? It sounds like he was just passing on a message to PILs rather than standing by your opinion and agreeing with you. Can you talk to DH about this and ask him to support you and put on a united front to PILs rather than making you out to be the bad guy?

These people are never well intentioned. If she was, she'd be appalled at how she'd made you feel. She uses being upset to make everyone do exactly what she wants.

Don’t apologise. Just keep reiterating to your DH what it was she did wrong and the fact it put your child in danger. Advise him that if you apologise he is in fact saying it’s acceptable for her to do that, and if that is the case you are disappointed he is prepared to endanger his own child. Do it again and again and again until he gets it

Clearly your H learnt how to manipulate people from your MIL.

Tell your DH his dad is quick to defend his wife even without evidence, even if it causes ructions in the family. Tell him he needs to do the same.

I have reminded DH that he initially agreed with my concerns and he said that was true. However, I know if it was up to him he'd never ever mention it to MIL. Ultimately keeping her sweet is prioritised even above DD's safety. And yes as PP said he may well have been "passing on the message" rather than saying it was a concern we shared. I knew this when he went to speak to them but ultimately decided DD's safety mattered way more to me than DH telling them "crazy, paranoid DW is worried again".

If FIL can defend his wife fiercely then maybe your husband should do the same for his wife?.

FIL defends MIL fiercely, point that out to your DH, same standard should apply for you. DH defends DW fiercely. Hes an arsehole, dont apologise, your gave to torture me before I'd apologise if I'm not in the wrong

If he did indeed “pass the message on” I would be absolutely livid that he happily threw me under the bus like that!

@Pantolilies @marvellousnightforamooncup @Jayaywhynot Yep the irony of that isn't lost on me, has occurred to me several times over the years but I've never pointed it out to DH. Everyone tiptoes around MIL and her feelings. She has led a sheltered life, doesn't do anything without FIL and has few friends. She is lacking in emotional intelligence and doesn't pick up on social cues particularly.

I expect he’s shit scared of his mother. Him and his dad will have put up with this kind of behaviour for decades, as someone upthread said it’s Fear and Obligation which makes them want to placate her.

You should not apologise, so stand firm but you should have a bit of sympathy for your Dh. He’s had a lifetime of this shit. He really needs to go and get some therapy with someone specialising in childhood issues.

I imagine MIL is feeling embarrassed and aware she was in the wrong and not knowing how to handle her error. Stand your ground, you did the right thing, hopefully in a few days/weeks MIL will move on and grow up, and as for DH don't talk about it unless he does first but keep reminding him your looking out for your child's safety.

You need to stop him in his tracks and ask him what sort of parent would put their mother's feelings before the safety of their child..

If he carries on, pick your child up and leave. He sounds like a fucking moron.

I'm finding myself getting really emotional reading these responses. I'm so used to the usual narrative of me being paranoid, anxious, a worrier and ultimately wrong and MIL meaning well, trying her best, doing everything she can, being so lovely, etc etc.

Nah!

highdo you honestly aren't.

Your mother in law sounds extremely manipulative. Your partner needs to grow a back bone and support you as his partner and put his child first.

Sounds like you have a toxic MIL. She's got a wonderful system going where everyone does her bidding, or pays the price.

So he is being emotionally abusive to his wife (which making you believe a narrative of you being paranoid/anxious/worrier is) which leads you to the title of this thread (that you have to put up with it) and puts the needs of his mother ahead of his wife and daughter

He agreed with you and you did it gently and is now shouting and making your bad week worse