I just need to put up with this, don't I?

[highdo]

MIL is a nice, well-meaning woman who has been known to overstep the mark, hurt my feelings unintentionally or do things with DD which I have asked her not to or which I disagree with. If something she has done has upset me I usually keep it to myself, but this week it was something big (related to DD's safety and something we have previously expressed concern about her doing) so I told DH who agreed with my concerns and spoke to PILs gently. He said it went well but now has received messages from FIL saying MIL is upset, I've been "off" with her recently, she'll be avoiding us for a while, etc. DH is now very upset, angry and shouting at me that I have "made his bad week worse" etc. This is the usual pattern on the rare occasion I ask him to mention something to MIL (happened probably 3-4 times in a decade)- if DH agrees with me he reluctantly mentions it, conversation is fine then FIL says MIL has been upset, I get bullied into apologising to MIL. I feel like my concerns don't matter and that I just need to "put up and shut up". I tried to explain this to DH but he just says I am making things worse. What can I do here? I feel my hands are tied.

@Puzzledandpissedoff Thank you

Cross posted with you, @highdo ... you're very kind, but I deserve no credit for perception or hitting nails on heads; it's simply that I've been in your exact situation and know the make if not the model

Heaven help me, even some of the words used are just the same; do these wretches have a script or something?!! Once again you show your wisdom in considering the advice you'd give DD - so if you ever falter and don't feel you can do it for yourself, remember you're doing it for HER too

It really is all about him and his feelings, isn’t it? He’s allowed to be upset/angry/hurt/worried/stressed, but you’re not. He’s allowed to shout and sulk, but you have to “move on” and “stop going over things”. And he’d rather put your DD at risk than upset his mother. I couldn’t respect him. I also wouldn’t trust his mother to look after DD without you being there, as she won’t listen to your concerns.

You suspect that he’s emotionally stunted. I had an ex who treated me badly, but I made excuses for him due to his terrible childhood and resulting emotional issues. I confided in a friend about the emotional issues. My friend thought this was all the more reason to end the relationship. At the time I thought that was a callous thing to say, but I now think my friend was right. I couldn’t fix him and he wouldn’t take responsibility for his own behaviour, so he wasn’t going to change. Everything was someone else’s fault. And it’s impossible to make a relationship work on your own.

If you ignore your heart, what is your head telling you? Our emotions can be really illogical at times and make us fall hopelessly in love with someone who will never make us happy. What’s best for you and DD?

"I'm so used to being the bad guy/the "irrational"/anxious one that I always just assume I'm in the wrong but I actually don't think I am here!"

This is a huge red flag exactly how does this perpetuate itself, are you really in the wrong/being anxious

I think the mothering instincts to protect your child at all cost is kicking in.
While for yourself you want a quiet life, nothing will prevent you from being an amazing mum.

I think your DH is realising his crown has been passed on. Long live the baby queen.

It is notable in this thread that you come across as neither irrational nor anxious. Your DH, on the other hand, comes across as a man who seriously needs to get his act together.

OP, have a look at the Stately Homes thread about toxic families here on MN.
You will recognise that FIL and DH are what are called “Flying monkeys”.
MIL is the narcissistic She who must be obeyed, and the monkeys convey her displeasure to others and do her bidding, enabling and validating her toxic behaviour. You have been cast in the role of scapegoat- everything is blamed on your so called “paranoia” and “unreasonableness”.
If you can’t make DH see what is happening, and get him to disengage with it, you will be doomed to a lifetime of victimhood and gaslighting. MIL is probably incurable- your best bet is to go no contact with her. Or make all contact via DH, and have no further involvement yourself.