I just need to put up with this, don't I?

[highdo]

MIL is a nice, well-meaning woman who has been known to overstep the mark, hurt my feelings unintentionally or do things with DD which I have asked her not to or which I disagree with. If something she has done has upset me I usually keep it to myself, but this week it was something big (related to DD's safety and something we have previously expressed concern about her doing) so I told DH who agreed with my concerns and spoke to PILs gently. He said it went well but now has received messages from FIL saying MIL is upset, I've been "off" with her recently, she'll be avoiding us for a while, etc. DH is now very upset, angry and shouting at me that I have "made his bad week worse" etc. This is the usual pattern on the rare occasion I ask him to mention something to MIL (happened probably 3-4 times in a decade)- if DH agrees with me he reluctantly mentions it, conversation is fine then FIL says MIL has been upset, I get bullied into apologising to MIL. I feel like my concerns don't matter and that I just need to "put up and shut up". I tried to explain this to DH but he just says I am making things worse. What can I do here? I feel my hands are tied.

Well you could point out to Dh its either you upset mil or your dd safety is not important so which one is it.

She’s a manipulative old boot and your husband is a foolish mummy’s boy. He’s not called Timothy is he?

As already suggested, tell them all that from now on you won’t be taking your daughter to see them that will be up to Mummy’s boy and then you can put your feet up and enjoy some peace and quiet when they are out.

Ask him what sort of ‘man’ would prioritise his mothers feelings over his daughters safety?

Then ask him if he’d like some scissors to cut those apron strings.

You also need to grow a backbone and stop cow-towing to this grown woman’s ‘hurt feelings’.

While it's nice to get along with in laws, they are not a higher power, they don't get to manipulate you, they gain respect by giving respect in the same way other people in our lives do. You married your Dh as you obviously love him. This doesn't mean you have to bow down to his manipulative parents. In fact, if you never wanted to visit their house you actually don't have to. You don't have to be at your house if your Dh invites them over. They are just people who happen to be your Dh's parents but you are not obliged to even have a relationship with them if you don't want to. Decide yourself on what level of relationship you are willing to have with them and just go with that. It doesn't mean your Dh can't visit them whenever he wants. I'm getting old and cranky and have realised over the years that you just need to suit yourself at times, and not take any shit from anyone.

Yeah, just turn it round and YOU be the sensitive, ‘has to be placated’ one for once. Just act the role if you don’t feel it inside.

‘I am very offended by FIL, upset by MIL not caring about dd safety, and furious with you for not caring about dd safety over dmil’s feelings OR about defending your wife’.

Then just retreat and get on with your own life. They can put all that in their pipe and smoke it for a bit.

I totally agree with @blitheringheights

MIL meaning well, trying her best, doing everything she can, being so lovely, etc etc.
This might be the case. This doesn’t mean you have to lower your expectations/boundaries regarding your dd safety.
Your MIL can be kind but clumsy AND you can also state that you don’t want to see xxx happening.

Why isn’t he following in his fathers footsteps and standing up for his own wife and child?

Tell him not this time

Good idea Blithering.

I was going to say if you're going to get it in the neck anyway, you may as well stand up for yourself. You're getting nowhere being meek. They'll just so it again and again. Your DH really needs to grow up.

I appreciate all the responses, they've given me lots to think about. I'm not going to just give in and apologise as usual, I know I am right to be concerned about this issue. As PPs have suggested I'm just going to ignore the sulking, I suspect MIL realises she's messed up here and is finding that difficult to cope with. That isn't my problem. DH has been sulking all evening. He says he is angry with me because he was worried about upsetting MIL. Not worried about upsetting me though, it seems. He's not at all happy with me, I think he's waiting for me to give in and say I'll apologise.

Your DH sounds just as manipulative as his DM.

Do not apologize. That will only validate her manipulative behaviour.

So dh prefers upsetting you than Mummy dear. Why? Because you don't emotionally manipulate him by crying etc. He'd rather you were upset, even when you're right and he agrees with you. Dumb!

Don't back down or he will continue to allow dangerous things to occur and never bollock his mother again. I echo a pp and remove any care mil gives to your dd. No doubt your DH will have a bonkers row about it, but will it lead to him leaving you?

And it's not your fault/problem your DH is worried about upsetting his mum, it's his and his dad's fault-and his mum's-for allowing this shit behaviour to be perpetuated for so many years. Utterly ridiculous.

Maybe tell us what happened? Bet you could Google some unhappy ending stories to show dh.... He is naive and gullible.
I would have the rage to be treated so stupidly which is what he is doing. Your worries aren't important but dm's feelings are.

Have you pointed out to your DH that he is prioritizing his mother over his DD´s safety and your feelings? That he isn't being the supportive husband he admires his father for being?

I feel terrible. I want to go to sleep but I can't stop thinking about all of this and how angry DH is with me. I don't think he is manipulative, I think his family has some really unhealthy patterns of communication and as a result he is pretty emotionally stunted and finds things like this overwhelming. I have told him his behaviour has made me feel that I shouldn't share concerns with him and that my opinions don't matter. He is now saying he's stressed for X Y and Z reason, all unrelated, and that this has made it worse- my fault for mentioning my initial concerns, of course.

Well, he has a choice. He can upset his mother, or upset you.
If he's got any sense, he'll keep the one on side that he wants to sleep with.

@sonjadog No I haven't pointed that out to him, he keeps saying he is upset/angry/stressed and since it is all apparently my fault I didn't want to say anything else. More fool me.
@Cherrysoup Yep it's significantly easier to upset me than her, so that's what he goes for. Makes me feel like shit. He doesn't really care if I'm upset but he (and FIL) will do anything in their power to stop MIL being upset. As for him leaving me over PIL issues... I think he would. He would pick them over me if it came down to it. That's hard to acknowledge.

Can you engineer it so that MIL doesn’t have unsupervised access to DD any more? The fact that no one but you cares about prioritising DD’s safety speaks volumes about the unhealthy dynamic.

It’s not your fault your DH doesn’t have coping strategies to deal with stress. You have done nothing wrong here. Don’t apologise, hold firm and back yourself up by not giving in. See how the dynamic changes through you quietly refusing to buy in to the usual pattern of MIL crying, DH sulking and you apologising.

And casting you as over anxious and a worrier is a way for them all to disempower you. Fuck that.

I come from a family with some seriously messed up dynamics and one of the things I have learnt which really helps me is not to take responsibility for other people´s feelings, and not to make them a bigger deal than they are. So when a family member is upset with me (and I am sure I haven't done something that merits that upset), that is not my problem to fix. They are responsible for their own feelings. The second part is that feelings are just feelings and they come and go. So if someone is upset with me, it isn't the end of the world. It isn't nice when someone is angry or crying or whatever, but it also doesn't mean I have to do something about it.

The point in saying all that is that it might be a technique that would work on your situation? Take yourself out of it for a bit and let them deal with their own feelings and upset rather than making you responsible.

If you honestly think he would leave you if it came to a choice between you and them, you have a bigger problem than what's going on right now.

Try a little praise ..
I know you hate upsetting your mum, but seeing you putting DD first is amazing, I really believe that your a great father for doing this....
Give him a way out he can use on his mum and dad, right now he has been backed into a corner by everyone....

@BazaarMum She was part of our childcare arrangements but for various reasons that's changed recently. Thank goodness.
@sonjadog I love this advice, thank you. I think taking a step back having raised the concern I needed to raise and letting them all deal with their own feelings and own shitty dynamic is the way forward.
@Luaa I know. I don't want to have to face that. I'm hoping it's something that can be worked on. That might be spectacularly naive of me, I realise.
@mummmy2017 Good idea. DH is definitely feeling backed into a corner and annoyed by everyone. I am very upset and angry at the way he's treated me but getting him on side and making him feel a bit better surely can't hurt.

As someone once said you catch more fly's with honey than vinegar....
If his mum can play the game. So can you.