Today! I just need to weep vent.
I was woken at 6am by 1 child lying on my head telling me that she was "my new, magical pillow" and that her magic powers were "flying and having an argument". She proceeded to have an argument. With herself. On top of my head 
One child enthusiastically pulled his sister's hair all the way around Sainsbury's.
After lunch, I tried to take the littlest for a nap walk in the buggy. Except, there was a brass band playing in the field where we normally walk. It struck up right on cue as we turned into the field. I have never seen a brass band there in the ten years we've lived here. Just why?
Then my 4yo decided to stand in the garden and shout MY DADDY LIKES FOUR YEAR OLD GIRLS at the top of her voice. Thanks DD
At dinner, the toddlers enjoyed their chicken and ham pie so much they both moisturised their entire torsos with it. Their bathwater was actually cloudy with spinach floating in it.
We got them all to bed and then a little voice called down "what letter does poo begin with? Is it a puh puh?"
Me: Er yes. Have you had a poo?
Child: Yep! And I wiped my own bottom but some fell off and then I stepped in it by accident and now it's on my carpet a bit.
The scene that followed was like a dirty protest in a prison.
I am now sitting downstairs with a glass of something strong and contemplating the state that is the kitchen....