How often do your young teen DC have to keep in contact when out?

[MeltedCrayons]

DS is out and I am fine with that. Just hanging around the town with his mates. His mates are nice lads.

How often do you text / expect them to text when out - is there a certain time frame you expect to be in contact at? Esp. if under, say, 15? Or do you not expect them to contact you at all unless they want a lift home?

Betrand I give up, you're determined to see some plot of surveillance where it doesn't exist. Any of my lot could leave the family group if they chose but amazingly they haven't because they're not threatened or controlled by it oddly enough.

How about an emergency where they were unconscious? I don't really think along those lines but given that your insistent that they phone at every opportunity? Yes also agree with poster saying DH or DC not texting or ringing whilst driving. See we are using the tech wisely.

HTH

lovetolurk yes think we've reached the end of our reasoning powers!

What’s wrong with him asking the friend what his address is?

From what I am hearing on this thread, I can't help wondering if tracking doesn't encourage a certain learned helplessness: I don't have to know what I'm doing or even where I am because mummy will find out and come and rescue me.

I was pleased when my son found himself stranded in a different town and worked out how to make his way home on foot: I thought that showed initiative. But at the very least I would have expected him to be able to access details of where he was and provide me with those. By the time they get to 15 or 16 I really think they should be doing a fair bit of the thinking themselves: how to avoid getting into trouble through woolgathering, how to get themselves out of trouble if possible, and how to ask for help in a sensible way if they need it.

My kids are now a bit older. I've never had track my phone but they were expected to tell me where they were going and when they were on their way home. DD has always been good at doing this - DS not so much!

Right skipping the tracking bit (though we all do it on snapchat...only works if someone is currently using snapchat and the children set it up so i reckon I’m safe from any spying accusations)

When dd was in her early teens I expected her back at a certain time and she had to text me if there was going to be a change to that (an obvious one i know) and if she changed locations, so going to town and then a friends house was fine...but if she said Charlottes house and then they spent the day at Emily's she needed to tell me

I do think this is important- I think young people are being dangerously infantilised and parents who think they are protecting them from real danger are actually preventing them from developing the skills that enable them to protect themselves. A teenager with a phone can use it to find out where they are themselves if they are lost. The can then make a decision about ringing for help or finding their own way to wherever they want to be. The idea that you should be able to track them in case they end up in a situation where they are lost and also unconscious is bizarre. Unless they are in the habit of solo mountain climbing or something- when a beacon to alert Mountain Rescue is more appropriate!

It can be very difficult for kids to say “no” about stuff like this-and I am sure that many go along with it out of kindness, or guilt or just obedience. They know that we worry about them, and most of them love us. I am sure that my late teen would find it very hard to say no if I asked him to let me track his phone because it would make me feel better. Because he is a nice person. He already knows I worry about him, which is why he makes sure I know roughly where he is.

Yeah mine frequently do use their phones to find their own way back...the two aren't mutually exclusive you know? They've done scouts and DofE stuff where I've had absolutely no idea where they were and completely fine about it. You are being far too binary about this - fully microchipped or totally off piste, there are so many shades of grey in-between.

I do think this is important- I think young people are being dangerously infantilised and parents who think they are protecting them from real danger are actually preventing them from developing the skills that enable them to protect themselves. A teenager with a phone can use it to find out where they are themselves if they are lost. The can then make a decision about ringing for help or finding their own way to wherever they want to be

I totally agree. This generation is being rapidly de-skilled in day to day problem solving. Their dependency on the adults around them thinking for them is really not helpful.
It's almost as if parents aren't wanting their kids to grow up and be independently functioning adults. I don't get it.

And yes, their quiet acceptance of being followed everywhere, is a prospective abusive partner's dream.

bertrand I'm totally with you.
dc has a 'dumb' phone, can only text or call.
we had quite a bit of walking home after a missed bus, but that's part of the learning process.

I'm on the fence on this one, my 13yo dd is likely (awaiting formal diagnosis) ASD and does tend to panic if something happens that wasn't planned. In that scenario I can imagine her getting lost or disoriented and a tracking device would be useful.

That said she hasn't got a tracking device on her phone and I have no plans to get one! It just seems unnecessary atm and I would absolutely hate for anyone to know where I am at all times!!

As she starts to become independent and go out on her own more then maybe I will reconsider...

My kid requested the tracking app so we could be in a group.

No idea how often she checks it, but if it makes her happy I’m ok with it.

It proved veeeeery useful though when her train broke down and the train company swore blind it hadn’t

See Girlie friend I'm completely fine with my family knowing where I am at all times. I do a lot of stuff by myself and it's reassuring. I think we will all have to accept that there are two very opposing views on this topic.

“ou are being far too binary about this - fully microchipped or totally off piste, there are so many shades of grey in-between.”
But it is binary. Unless you turn the app off, you can always know where they are. The fact that you don’t check is irrelevant. You could-and they don’t know when and if you will. The DoE/Scouts reference is also very telling. You don’t know precisely where they are- but other adults do.

Betrand I know you fully refuse to accept it but they don't give a hoot.

I'm very uncomfortable indeed with the idea of tracking children/people (especially a 17 year old!) I absolutely do not want my DC thinking this is the norm, as PP said it sets up an expectation that this is acceptable behaviour in a relationship - balance of power etc.

For this reason I also hate the idea of adults tracking each other, do people actually give a serious fuck if dinner is delayed? I would rather hold the view tracking is unacceptable at all - i certainly don't want women to feel this is a social norm and expected behaviour (With the exception of some medical reasons, I am epileptic for example and people may want to if in the same boat. Or dementia?)

I also think it's a far too enthusiastic response to available new technology - I think it will be seen in future years the way people used to put their DC's photos freely available on Facebook and the DC grow up to be aghast and see it as an invasion of privacy.

I wonder if those in favour of tracking have mainly younger DC, or there is an element of PFB? (Not meaning to be rude, I had a severe case of this myself )

I would much prefer my DC to have a sense of responsibility themselves not relying on me to watch them all the time - to keep in touch as agreed, to be roughly where they say they will be and to contact me if there are any problems.

With regards to keeping in touch generally, it depends on the age - 13 is very different from
18. I would expect more regular contact in terms of letting me know where they are at 13.

I actually think snapchat is much better than tracking anyway as DC love it, it gives you perhaps the opposite problem through! I swear if I get one more selfie of a DC with a cat face drinking a coffee, or trying on sunglasses and making the peace sign I'll throw my own damn phone away

Most if the reasons for tracking just sound like a further breakdown in our ability to communicate. People already send texts rather than actually speak to other people. Now we are saying, you don't even need to send the text, you can deduce all sorts of things based on where the person was and when they were last online.

In all of the examples quote above, I can't see how tracking is superior than communicating. If DH is stuck in a work meeting, then he asks to take a quick break, calls me and advices me how long he expects to be. Or maybe even that he is now going out to dinner with his client. Tracking only tells me thst he hasn't left the office yet. Likewise, if an activity over runs, then DC either ring and ask for a lift or make some other arrangements. They don't really appreciate Mum turning up unannounced.

I don't think many DC would feel happy to tell their parents they didn't want to be tracked if the parents insisted. Particularly if younger teens.

This also reminds me rather of the Black Mirror episode "Arkangel" that is well worth a look if you've not seen it.

Although I don't think OP has been back so maybe this will appear in the Sun etc - "Mumsnet advocate a nanny state - read about the mothers watching their childrens' every move"

We have life 360. I don’t really expect to here from the boys while they are out, as long as I know if they have gone to the city or one of the 3 local shopping centres.
I use 360 just to see if they are heading home about the correct kind of time. If they have gone to the city I look to see where the train is , so I can be there when they get there

Those who think it's OK tracking their spouses - how would you feel if they weren't happy with it? I don't think anyone would insist, in those circumstances, which shows it

a. shouldn't be imposed on someone without their consent
b. how are children judged able to consent if they are younger?
c. If they are old enough to be capable of informed consent, they're too old to be tracked anyway!

“.
I use 360 just to see if they are heading home about the correct kind of time. If they have gone to the city I look to see where the train is , so I can be there when they get there”

Why not give them the responsibility for telling you?

webuilt

I make a beautiful giraffe...not gonna lie

I wouldn't dream of tracking my teens - they are 18 now but I still wouldn't have done it at 13/14, they need to learn to gradually separate from us and make decisions/learn how to keep safe.

I wouldn't dream of tracking DH either, I don't need to know where he is at every moment, and I've no desire to time meal times for the minute he walks in the door.

This generation is very very different from when I was a teen (I'm 51). I see some of DDs friends having very little freedom and this is late teens! It's really bizarre. They can't suddenly go off to uni without having experienced life a bit.

DD passed her driving test last year (17) and about 2 months later went to a concert with friends, an hour's drive away. One friend's parents wouldn't allow their DD to go in the car with her, as she was a 'new driver'. They drove her to the concert, parked up and walked her to the venue. DD said when they came out both parents were waiting outside waving frantically at their DD as the crowds emerged ….. how bloody embarrassing at 17! What were they thinking. What on earth did they think would happen to her!

Another mum kept messaging me about DD's 17th birthday plans … as far as I was aware they were going for tapas locally and she was getting a few friends together. I offered lifts if needed, that was my input. I had about 10 messages asking for every detail from this mum, the address of the restaurant, exact times, who else was going ….. I'm sure she thought I was really disinterested/uncaring when I kept replying that I didn't know! She then sent one on the day to say she would picking her son up at 10.30pm from the restaurant as he had work the next day …..

I've got hundred of examples like this and I just don't get it, why it is so so different from our own teenage years.

*I wonder if those in favour of tracking have mainly younger DC, or there is an element of PFB?

I have a 12 year old. Im very much in favour of the app because it really helped DD when she was going through a period of anxiety. It helped her manage her feelings herself.

I actually think snapchat is much better than tracking anyway as DC love it

DD doesn’t meet the age requirements for Snapchat (and other social media) so doesn’t have it.

I don't think many DC would feel happy to tell their parents they didn't want to be tracked if the parents insisted. Particularly if younger teens

We chat regularly about whether she stills wants the app. Currently she still does. As soon as she feels she can manage without it, then it will be deleted. Currently I think she rarely opens it, but it’s a “security blanket” for her on her phone.

I consider tracking for you gets as like having stabilisers. DS gets a train and walks to school. By the time he’s arriving I’m usually dashing to a meeting, quick glance at phone tells me he’s arrrived at school. Day goes on, no drama. Quick glance at home time tells me he’s on his way home and I know what train to meet him from.

This means he doesn’t need to text/phone at all. He can chat away to friends without having to contact me.

There’s no sinister plot. He won’t be tracked when he’s 26. It is a plan that works for our family to enable more independence, not less. It will evolve as DS does.

Meanwhile we do all rather enjoy the tech of knowing WTF dad is because he’s like Where’s Wally most of the time.

“This means he doesn’t need to text/phone at all. He can chat away to friends without having to contact me.”

And not take any responsibility for himself at all.