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Original poster

How often do your young teen DC have to keep in contact when out?

131 replies

MeltedCrayons · 22/06/2019 15:41

DS is out and I am fine with that. Just hanging around the town with his mates. His mates are nice lads.

How often do you text / expect them to text when out - is there a certain time frame you expect to be in contact at? Esp. if under, say, 15? Or do you not expect them to contact you at all unless they want a lift home?

OP posts:
I8toys · 22/06/2019 17:19

I just asked DS if he minded - he just said its a bit weird but its a joke with his mates now that his mum is stalking him!

BertrandRussell · 22/06/2019 17:24

Definitely time to stop.

RedSkyLastNight · 22/06/2019 17:26

I expect the DC to tell me who they are with, where they are and what time they plan to be home/want picking up. I wouodn't expect them to contact me unless their plans changed.

BertrandRussell · 22/06/2019 17:56

I just can’t see what the point is in tracking them. If they don’t want to be tracked they’ll leave their phones behind. if their friends don’t want to be tracked, they won’t want to go out with the one with the tracked phone. And if something bad happens being able to track them won’t help at all. Have a relationship of trust where you don’t want to hassle them and they don’t want to worry you and all will be well.

I8toys · 22/06/2019 17:57

I do need to stop but having anxiety doesn't help. No excuse but sometimes its not rational. I try not to let it effect my family but sometimes it does. As he goes out more and more I hope I can trust him more. I do but its hard to explain and put into words. He's a great kid.

TheSultanofPingu · 22/06/2019 17:58

I'm genuinely shocked at people tracking their kids!

Towelsareblue · 22/06/2019 18:04

We're all on life 360. I just look vaguely every now and then to see if we're all where we're supposed to be for safety reasons. We all look for each other i.e. if lift running late, all happy with it - 3 DC here in mid to late teens. DH on it too. All happy and don't see anything sinister about it, definitely splits people on opinion, I like knowing my family know where I am in case I go missing (run on my own a lot).

Cinammoncake · 22/06/2019 18:07

Teens who don't want to be tracked will do things like leave their phone with a friend and go somewhere else - ie they are now elsewhere without their phone so arguably in more danger. So aside from invading their privacy it could be counterproductive anyway

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 22/06/2019 18:12

DS (14 next month) has to tell me where he is planning to go and who with. I give him a time to be home by. He doesn’t have to keep in touch with me while he is out but he will ring to ask if he can go somewhere else if his friends decide to or to say that he is at X’s house and X’s parents have offered him food so can he stay later if they bring him home. His friends add a nice bunch and I know most of their parents.

BertrandRussell · 22/06/2019 18:17

“I just look vaguely every now and then to see if we're all where we're supposed to be for safety reasons.“

What does this mean? And what do you do if your late teen isn’t “where she is supposed to be?”

SandyGussetButton · 22/06/2019 18:45

Thank you!

SandyGussetButton · 22/06/2019 18:54

Sorry, posted too soon! I'll have a look at Google family link and Life 360. This is all new to us - I'm pretty sure that after DS has been out a few times and made it home at the agreed time , without mishap, we'll be a bit more relaxed!

TheSultanofPingu · 22/06/2019 19:03

How bloody depressing Sad

Towelsareblue · 22/06/2019 19:06

Betrand might drop a text to her, ask if she's ok - that ok with you?

Towelsareblue · 22/06/2019 19:07

I'm actually really relaxed, my DH just travelled to Europe and nice to know he touched down safely.

anothernotherone · 22/06/2019 19:18

I don't think there's any point in texting on a schedule, but we do track the 14 and 12 year olds with their consent and knowledge, being very aware indeed that this is not a reliable way to know where the child is, only a reliable way to know roughly where the phone was last time it had network...

I do expect them to phone or call in set circumstances:

When they arrive somewhere they've got to under their own steam (for example by bus or bike) especially if not leaving from home - for example catching a bus straight from school to somewhere other than home.

If plans change (eg going to the cinema instead of swimming, walking to the town centre after school instead of walking to a friend's house who lives near school etc).

I grew up pre mobiles so am aware I had more freedom but I wouldn't have made a big change of plans without an adult knowing at 12, nor at 14 I don't think. The difference I think is anyone's parent knowing would have done when I was 14, the parent of each child wouldn't have been told separately if a group of us decided to change our plans.

C8H10N4O2 · 22/06/2019 19:22

Don't track your children - its painfully easy to circumvent and it undermines trust.

Mine were out and about on their own before smartphones were common place. They had basic phones by the time they were going out solo, borrowed one of ours. They used to text me so I knew where they were, how they were getting back, times, if they were stopping over etc. They also knew that whatever they had done if they needed help just call and we would go.

They sometimes forgot but we never took the line that they "had" to tell me or they wouldn't be allowed out. We just asked them to humour me because I would worry otherwise. As adults, when they visit they still let me know what time they will be back if they go out for the evening or night although these days its more habit and likely to be accompanied by a note to tell me they haven't been murdered yet Grin

Towelsareblue · 22/06/2019 19:26

Why is it a problem though if everyone completely ok with it?

BertrandRussell · 22/06/2019 19:33

“Why is it a problem though if everyone completely ok with it?”

Because it’s very difficult for a kid to say they aren’t completely happy with it.

Because the tighter the leash the harder they pull.

Because at best it’s completely useless. At worst it could actually make things worse. And kids need to believe that they are trusted.

And by the time you’re late teens you may not actually want your parents to know where you are.

anothernotherone · 22/06/2019 19:40

BertrandRussell I didn't want to worry my parents so I lied to them. They still believe that when I went to London (from Cumbria) aged 15 with my 17 year old friend we went to art galleries and the theater. They always say I was the one they didn't have to worry about, and they're right, because I was the best and most considerate lier of my siblings...

That said of course I would have tucked my mobile up in bed before going clubbing or to student parties, so tracking wouldn't have helped them know where I was.

Have a relationship where you don't want to hassle them and they don't want to worry you leads to parental peace of mind due to hearing a considerately edited alternative version of your teenagers' real lives though. Best all round for university student aged offspring perhaps, but not for 12-15 year olds.

Tracking helped us when DD told us she was going to walk with her friends from school to the swimming pool and instead caught a bus 15 miles in a different direction aged 13. Nothing bad happened but we initiated a refresher conversation about exactly why we need to know where she is - she must phone and tell one of us if her plans change, not because we want to control her but because in the unlikely event she's in a traffic or other accident and doesn't come home at the expected time we need to know where to look for her.

It helped my neighbor when he 12 year old son got on the wrong bus, fell asleep and called her in a panic not knowing where he was. Obviously he might have learnt more of a life lesson if he'd had to find someone to ask, but we're rural and he got off the bus in the middle of nowhere so it would have been a long and stressful lesson using pre digital tools only!

BertrandRussell · 22/06/2019 19:46

“That said of course I would have tucked my mobile up in bed before going clubbing or to student parties, so tracking wouldn't have helped them know where I was“

So much better if you could have told your parents where you were going and taken your phone with you.

Towelsareblue · 22/06/2019 19:52

Betrand mine are real home birds, they don't actually go out all that much. Once they go off to university obviously we wouldn't if they didn't want us to. I think it's a bit daft to say at best it's useless - that's not really the case imo.

BertrandRussell · 22/06/2019 19:53

“I think it's a bit daft to say at best it's useless - that's not really the case imo.”

How is it useful?

anothernotherone · 22/06/2019 19:53

BertrandRussell certainly, but I didn't have a mobile in the late 1980s - my point was that as my parents didn't want to hassle me and I didn't want to worry them (as per your advice for a harmonious relationship with teens) I lied to them and always told them what they wanted to hear.

saraclara · 22/06/2019 19:55

You'd even consider tracking them at uni?

What on earth is happening to the world?

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