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What kind of fucking "father"

87 replies

Fluggers · 29/05/2019 22:14

Sorry for the rant

My (thankfully) ex DH lives in a different country. An hour flight, serves in the military..

Wee DS age 4 is a fashion accessory to him. He refuses to pay for him, doesn't text to ask about him..

ExDH occasionally stops by to see him for an hour to get a selfie for social media

He comes home to our country on average once a month, but since getting a new girlfriend has been home every single weekend for the last six weeks

Not once has he seen the child

Fuck my heart is aching for my baby. The rejection. ExDH doesn't even know which primary school he's been enrolled in 🤷🏽‍♀️ just doesn't care, doesn't care enough to ask. If I try to involve him I just get told to fuck off

I am sobbing tonight for my wee son. He has a wonderful male role model in my DP and is fully included with his own children; fuck sake he was sick recently and my DP landed over with magazines and sweeties

Not even a text from that other one

Sorry for the mindless ranting 🙁 I can't make his dad be a gooden, but I'm so afraid of the issues my child might have in the future 🙁

OP posts:

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Atalune · 29/05/2019 22:17

Fight for maintenance. And if he isn’t paying then what’s with the complicity in the flying Disney dad visits???

Be completely open with your son in an age appropriate way about his dad and be grateful you have a DP that loves him.

Biology doesn’t make a father.

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Fluggers · 29/05/2019 22:20

He threatens me and my DP - although never in written form

He is a vile bully

He will waltz into my house unannounced, I literally have no idea when he'll ever be arriving

We are showering DS in love, he is already showing compassion for all things, well beyond his years but fuck me, I am devastated this evening

Four years has caught up with me

OP posts:

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purpleboy · 29/05/2019 22:45

Does he have a key to your house? How does he get in?
Go to cms and get the payments sorted ASAP.

Sorry he is so shit, from experience my dd has a very stable role model in my dh and has now gone nc with her dad. So far no lasting issues, he has always been shit so no surprise to her, she just grew up knowing he would never be fully around but to her it didn't matter as she has a great relationship with my dh, she doesn't call him dad but tells everyone he is.
It's devastating to watch and you feel the rejection on their behalf, but for us it hasn't really made much of a difference. I hope it's the same for you

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HotChocolateLover · 30/05/2019 11:35

Surely the OP won’t get maintenance if he lives abroad?

So sorry to hear what you’re going through but it sounds like you are doing all the right things and being consistent with your love. My ex hadn’t paid or spoken to our DS for 18 months and then finally called a year later (2.5 years in total) He was very angry when I said I had moved 100 miles away. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?!!’

This is from the guy who would see him once every 6 months at best anyway. Just keep on as you are and you will have a much better relationship with your lovely boy.

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GenuineKlatchianPottery · 30/05/2019 11:43

Surely if ex is in the military it doesn’t matter where he’s living as he’s being paid by them? Get onto CMS Op. I would imagine the military would take a dim view of his having to be forced to support his own child.
And when he turns up record his behaviour, he can’t just swan in and out as it suits him.

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Rickandportly · 30/05/2019 12:01

Prize wanker.

Thankfully your DP sounds like a good sort and you sound to be doing the best you can for your ds.

I’m sorry his dad is a prick.

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MoreSlidingDoors · 30/05/2019 12:05

He will waltz into my house unannounced, I literally have no idea when he'll ever be arriving

How?!

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Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 30/05/2019 12:07

Cms. New lock. Big dog.

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HoneysuckIejasmine · 30/05/2019 12:08

I thought the military had a good reputation for ensuring their employees abide by CMS?

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scaryteacher · 30/05/2019 14:39

There is no reason he shouldn't be paying maintenance...get on to CMS. The pay scales are all readily available online,.

Get your locks changed too; what is he going to do about it?

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SolitudeIsHighlyOverrated · 30/05/2019 15:17

CMS. If he still won't pay they will do a "deduction from earnings request" as he is military and they shouldn't need a court order to do it either.

Change the locks on your doors - there is no way he should be able to just swan in and out of your home when he feels like it. Or simply lock them so he can't open them from the outside.

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jmh740 · 30/05/2019 15:20

The cms will be able to do a deduction of earnings the military won't be impressed if he's refusing to pay.

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managedmis · 30/05/2019 15:22

He cannot waltz anywhere. Its called breaking and entering. Change the locks, move house and call the police next time he tries to waltz.

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managedmis · 30/05/2019 15:23

I'd be going NC to be fair, he sounds a total waster

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IntoValhalla · 30/05/2019 15:26

If it’s a branch of the British military he’s serving in, they are shit hot on ensuring child maintenance payments are being met by their employees.
Go to CMS, and the military pay office will be on board quickly. Because he is military, It’s near on impossible for him to hide his income from CMS too

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CarolDanvers · 30/05/2019 15:29

I thought the military had a good reputation for ensuring their employees abide by CMS?

They do. He will be ordered to pay it.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2019 15:34

Change the locks. Record conversations and tell him you're doing it. All communication in writing. Apply for CMS. Contact his superior officer if he threatens you.

You can't make him a good dad. You can hold him to account.

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IggyAce · 30/05/2019 15:40

Definitely contact cms, the military take a very dim view of those that don’t pay. Agree with pp contact his CO if he threatens you and contact the police as well.

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ControversialFerret · 30/05/2019 15:42

CMS, door locks and a report to his CO.

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SkintAsASkintThing · 30/05/2019 15:45

Are his family any better op ?? There could be a relationship there.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 30/05/2019 15:52

Your ds has a good man in his life. It will be enough for him. I think you need to put a stop to the ex just landing on you.

Have you contacted the military about non payment and his attitude?

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Chamomileteaplease · 30/05/2019 15:54

Why would you want such a horrible man to visit your son more often??

Be thankful that he is absent and concentrate on your new family. Your son has plenty of people to love him.

And yes, get new locks!!

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Grumpelstilskin · 30/05/2019 15:57

Depending which military, some other nations will also deduct before he even gets his wages. Start taking charge, as others have said, change the locks, do not allow him to turn up unnannounced. And if he threatens you, record and report this to his superiors. There are codes of conduct. You sound very passive. Stop weeping and take action.

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BlueBlazerBlack · 30/05/2019 15:59

Can you get a restraining order if he threatens you and your DP?
Do you have any arrangements in place for contact? He shouldn't be able to come to your home if you don't want him to.
I would block him from all social media, but before you do so, tell him to go through the courts if he wants to see your son. I'm not sure any contact with this man is good for your son..he already has a good male figure in his life. You can't change who his bio dad is but you shouldn't have to put up with a bully in your lives

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DartmoorDoughnut · 30/05/2019 16:00

If he’s British military he’ll get massively in the shit if he doesn’t pay maintenance

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