What kind of fucking "father"

[Fluggers]

Sorry for the rant

My (thankfully) ex DH lives in a different country. An hour flight, serves in the military..

Wee DS age 4 is a fashion accessory to him. He refuses to pay for him, doesn't text to ask about him..

ExDH occasionally stops by to see him for an hour to get a selfie for social media

He comes home to our country on average once a month, but since getting a new girlfriend has been home every single weekend for the last six weeks

Not once has he seen the child

Fuck my heart is aching for my baby. The rejection. ExDH doesn't even know which primary school he's been enrolled in 🤷🏽‍♀️ just doesn't care, doesn't care enough to ask. If I try to involve him I just get told to fuck off

I am sobbing tonight for my wee son. He has a wonderful male role model in my DP and is fully included with his own children; fuck sake he was sick recently and my DP landed over with magazines and sweeties

Not even a text from that other one

Sorry for the mindless ranting 🙁 I can't make his dad be a gooden, but I'm so afraid of the issues my child might have in the future 🙁

Side note - does everyone always keep their door locked, even if they're in? I've never done this, nor has anyone else I've known 🤷🏽‍♀️

Yes. It’s increasingly common for criminals to target vehicles- try the lock, if it’s open they can be in and out with the keys and your car is gone in seconds.

I think you do need to get some boundaries in place. Locks you can lock from the inside and get in that habit.

Pursue maintenance.

Regular contact or at least predictable contact is important because other wise the kid's constantly looking out of the window wondering if today will be the day.

Can you lay this down as the new conditions of contact, or at least say you require 48 hours notice and he is not to come into your house any more without your permission in advance.

Sounds like its time for you to take back control. Dry your tears and chin up. The rest of your and your son's life starts now!

Don’t you think he’d be more damaged by having him around more often? At least this way he has limited hold over him and his thoughts/actions

He has a cheek just wondering in as if he’s still familly!! How dare he!! Piping in like that is just for close family and friends - he’s neither - not even a text to say he’s coming? How rude.

Your life will be much better when you stop trying to facilitate a relationship between him and his son. I've been there, it broke my heart. Once I stopped trying to get him to see DC, he disappeared completely. Initially DC was devastated but is now thriving. DC doesn't even ask about him anymore. No more heartache, no more disappointments and no more wondering when he's going to appear.

Doors are always locked, although I often forget to lock my car, and left the car unlocked with a window open overnight recently. Luckily I live in a naice area and said car was still there in the morning!

Contact his unit welfare officer and the CMS go for collect and pay so that if he debt decides not to pay they will start automatically taking it.

Wow, I cannot believe people actually don't lock their doors! And OP, why would you not lock yours after the first time your abusive ex just waltzed in! It's not exactly rocket science and something you can easily put in place, as the most obvious measure.

You cannot change your ex.
Stop wasting time trying.

You can ensure your d's feels loved and supported without him in his life

Let your d's see him as a sometime relative who appears occasionally. Simples

Move and don't tell the cunt! Lock your door. Don't let him have any power. Your son would be better off if he didnt see him at all.

Doors always locked. Your son won’t notice his missing father. He won’t be emotionally effected by losing out on a dead beat dad. Stop wasting your energy on your ex.

Well if you want to stop someone just walking in your house the obvious solution is to lock the door. Why don't you tell him to fuck off? Why are you so desperate for this man to be part of your child's life?

Side note - does everyone always keep their door locked, even if they're in? I've never done this, nor has anyone else I've known 🤷🏽‍♀️

No I don’t. But I would if I had a threatening ex who let himself in when he pleased.

How old are you, OP? I can't believe it didn't occur to you to lock your door after the first time he walked in!

I too would recommend moving house and keeping those doors locked as well, just in case

Glad to hear you're on CMS though.

I think to be kind to yourself YOU need to re-adjust how you view your ex and his role as a father. He clearly does not meet the expectations that you (or any normal person) would have on what a father is. So you must change your mindset and reset the boundaries otherwise you will give your child unrealistic expectations of their father.

Well done for contacting the CMS because this man needs to pay for his child.

You need to email or via a solicitor contact in writing your ex to clearly state that him randomly turning up for 30min contact with your son is to cease. It is disruptive and not beneficial for your son. Contact should be beneficial for your son. Offer to go to mediation or establish regular contact, and ask for the response to be in writing.

He is a crap father, you need to assume that he’s not going to change and instead of focusing on the loss of somebody your son never had, focus on the positive relationships he does have.

If he's British Army based in Germany (guessing from HR flight) the majority are currently moving back to UK at the moment.

I understand how you feel . My little boy was 1 when his dad left ( glad he did now) . I felt so sad for so many years that he couldnt be bothered, i actually felt pain in my chest and sadness for him as hes always been an amazing little boy . (Also his dad lives 5 mins away and we also have a beautiful successful daughter at uni he doesn't bother with either) . This was 11 years ago , many of them very painful, however it got so much better and i will tell you how. We gave up on him , we didnt make ourselves fit in around him . We had family therapy saw how amazing us as a family of 3 are . We planned around us only having amazing family experiences. Today we live in our home with my partner who loves us all and his older children too . I class my son as lucky now as its not healthy to be so unwanted . My son is now a 13 yr old rounded young man who has no time for his dad at all and is determined to be a good dad x

Fuck it. He doesn’t matter. You have your family. Ds has everything he needs. He won’t notice that XH is or isn’t there. You don’t need him and neither does ds.

I'm surprised people don't lock their doors...

I assume he’s in Germany with the Army? The Army are amazing at getting CMS deducted. You need to get onto that as there is now at they will let him escape.

Sorry that should read ‘no way they will let him escape.

Side note - does everyone always keep their door locked, even if they're in? I've never done this, nor has anyone else I've known

We don't here (kids are in and out), but when my ex and I first split up and he took to wandering in whenever he felt like it I put a chain on the door. A small thing, but took back control of my home.

The military are really good at child maintenance issues. I spoke to the welfare officer for ex's unit and didn't even have to go through CSA (as it was then) as he paid up after they spoke to him. He was livid, but it was well worth it as the threat to his reputation if he got a DOE has been enough to keep him in line for 15 years so far.

How old am I?

I'm 29 and have owned a home for over 9 years 🙈

I checked with my mum too, never ever locks the door before 8pm

🤷🏽‍♀️

I agree with trying to lower my expectations. I'm so upset although hiding it from DS, who is wonderful

OMG sorry to derail but I can’t believe all this door locking business.
I never lock my house or car unless it’s bedtime and I am going to sleep, or if out all day. Never if I am in or just school run or nip to shop. I am shocked that everyone else does 😱

But surely it’s worth locking your door to stop your ex coming in unannounced Fluggers?
Like I said above, I never lock my door. Of course I would though if I had an abusive who had form for letting himself in.

Good you have contacted Cms. He will be angry but rise above it. Your son is entitled to his fathers support.

I started keeping the house locked for the same reason. Ex thought it was still his home so would walk in. I told him to knock and wait like any other guest. But he refused. So I keep the doors locked. Although he comes at specific times.