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Original poster

I need to admit this is happening... [Trigger warning: concerns rape]

95 replies

Isthisashitidea · 25/05/2019 19:03

My husband who is a great father and otherwise faultless husband rapes me. Many moons ago when he first ever refused to stop after I told him too, I confronted him the next day , and he swore to never do it again and blamed the alcohol and excitement overcoming him. This was a very long time ago and I am only now admitting to myself that this has been happening regularly for a long time. It is not violent or aggressive but he is clearly aware that I am not consenting and continues anyway.

It started out as making advances which I’d reject to the point he would keep on until I would eventually just lay silent, not responding, until he was finished.

Now it happens most when I am asleep and I wake to find him groping or inside me. I tell him to stop, leave me sleep, please leave me alone but he ignores what I say and just does as he wants.

The most recent occurrence was last night. Today I have been upset , unmotivated and just want to hide away on my own. The plans I had made for this evening I have cancelled and I realise that I have done this on many occasions. I have zero self esteem and , I think, zero respect for myself. I cannot believe I have put up with this for such a long time. This year marks our 10th wedding anniversary and this has been going on for way longer than that. It has become our norm !

In all other respects, he is an amazing father and good husband. I have spoken to him before about this and he brushes it off and says he didn’t realise I was asleep or that he hadn’t heard me say no.

I have no one to turn to. No one would believe me and in all honesty I don’t want to label the father of my children as a rapist even though that’s exactly what he does to me.

The whole situation is making me feel desperately unhappy. He has taken the children out to the party this evening that we had all planned to go to and I know that everyone there will be thinking how much of an amazing father he is and will probably think that I am too lazy, or odd, not to show.

I feel like I am swimming against the current as my mental health is struggling but I know that I am not strong enough to do what I need to do, and leave him for my sake, because every one who I am close to will think I have made the wrong choice, because he is a good man, husband and father in the eyes of every one else.

I’m stuck, sad and lonely.

OP posts:
tumtitum · 25/05/2019 19:13

I'm so sorry this is happening to you? Could you ring Women's Aid or a similar organisation to talk about it? Thanks

tumtitum · 25/05/2019 19:13

Sorry there wasn't supposed to be a question mark! It was a sad face, not sure what happened there x

Gazelda · 25/05/2019 19:25

dont worry about what other people think. I believe that most mature people know that people who are the life and soul of the party/fabulously charming/super attentive partner aren't necessarily the same behind closed doors.
Please speak with women's aid or rape crisis or similar. You've been abused for years. It's going to be tough to muster the strength to take the next steps. But you deserve to feel heard and respected. And you deserve to be free of someone who is happy to behave so monstrously to you.

He is the very opposite of a good man. Others may not know it, but you do, and so does he.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 25/05/2019 19:25

What a terrible thing for your husband to do to you, he's not a good husband, he's a rapist.
You must be feeling so awful, the only action I would suggest you take as a pp said is to phone Women’s Aid. They're not just there to help women in domestic violence situations, they'll listen and believe you. I'm so sorry that you've ended up in this shocking relationship.

MissChananderlerbong · 25/05/2019 19:30

He knows what he's doing and even when you've brought it up with him minimises it.
How awful.
I dont have any advice but what he's doing is horrific.

MaverickSnoopy · 25/05/2019 19:35

My husband who is a great father and otherwise faultless husband rapes me.

I can't get over the otherwise faultless bit. Because if he has raped you even once, let alone for this long, then he is inherently evil, let alone otherwise faultless. It is ingrained into him.

What would it take for you to leave him? I understand that you don't feel that you can do this now but can you think about what it would take? Is he really a good father to your children?

A handhold from the whole of mumsnet.

thegreatcrestednewt · 25/05/2019 19:37

You poor love. Huge sympathy and a big hug from me - probably from all the women on here.

Please ring Rape Crisis. He has been systematically abusing you. You deserve so much better. He’s a criminal.

DramaAlpaca · 25/05/2019 19:43

I believe you. I'm so sorry this has been happening to you Flowers

AndTheEnd · 25/05/2019 19:47

Have you tried kneeing him in the balls and saying' woops, I was asleep?'

Ces6 · 25/05/2019 19:52

I'm so sorry. It takes great courage to face up to a situation like this. Don't blame yourself for it taking time. That's completely normal. You need to be safe and that must be your priority.

BishopofBathandWells · 25/05/2019 19:58

I believe you, too. I don't have advice; I just wanted you to know that we hear you. Please ring Rape Crisis for support. I'm sorry your husband is such a vile bastard.

delilabell · 25/05/2019 20:01

Yours is possibly one of the saddest posts I've ever read. I am so so sorry this is happening to you.
I believe you.
You need to get yourself out of this situation. It is not a way to live and you deserve so much better. X

Harebel · 25/05/2019 20:02

Oh god you poor woman, he's not a nice man at all. Please don't worry about what other people think. He's not raping them.

Please get in touch with women's aid ASAP for your own sake. Thanks

Time40 · 25/05/2019 20:07

OP, your husband is a SERIAL RAPIST. It doesn't matter how "wonderful" he is in other ways. He's a RAPIST. You have got to get away from him. You must.

If I were in this situation, I would go to the police, but I can imagine that that is perhaps not something you would consider? - which is OK; you don't have to if you couldn't cope with doing that, but you must at least leave him.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Be brave and strong, and good luck.

Please come back and tell us how you are doing.

DogHairEverywhere · 25/05/2019 20:08

I'm so, so sorry OP, it sounds a horrendous way to live. Admitting it is the first step, so well done for taking that step. Now, maybe the next step could be to speak to someone in rl, maybe a rape crisis centre, or womans aid. Good luck with whatever you decide to do and we're all here to support you. Thanks

Iwantacookie · 25/05/2019 20:08

I'm so sorry op I have no advice other than to say I believe you Flowers

ferrymeoff · 25/05/2019 20:09

I believe you and I am sure everyone reading your post does. You are entitled to personal space and boundaries at the very least. He will know exactly what he is doing, he is keeping you in your place. Please try to get help and advice from women's agencies. There will be a lot of confidential support for you even if you choose not to make things official. You are someone's daughter and deserve better.

thewreckofthehesperus · 25/05/2019 20:09

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know leaving will seem hard now but you are worth so much more than this.

A faultless husband does not rape his wife and minimise doing it. Please ring womens aid or rape crisis to get some support. This might be your normal but I can assure you the people around you would be horrified to learn what you are dealing with. You dont need to justify anything to anyone to end the relationship. That decision and your emotional and physical health and well being are paramount.

You dont say if you have daughters or sons but imagine if your daughter were in a relationship like this. What would you tell her to do?

Please look after yourself, freeing yourself from this man will be the making of you.

Piccalino3 · 25/05/2019 20:09

I feel close to tears reading your post. I'm so so sorry this is happening to you.

I echo what others have said about ringing rape crisis or women's aid. After so many years of abuse you must be at rock bottom, you will be able to find some strength to deal with this but you will probably need some support. Initially phone advice and understanding could be the first step. Please don't accept this for another 10+ years. None of this is your fault and you deserve so much better. Big hug to you. Thanks

TanMateix · 25/05/2019 20:10

You don’t need to convince anyone OP, the only person who matters on this abuse is the victim and that is you.

Abusers are mostly charming, that’s the way the get away with murder. If you feel you cannot go through this and the additional pain of not being believed, do not tell others about them. People do not need to know the reasons of why things are not well or may finish, you don’t even need any other reason to leave but that you are not happy with the situation. And remember, those who know you well will believe you, those who don’t... don’t matter.
Ring Women’s aid or Rape Crisis, you need some support and guidance, it is difficult to deal with this on your own Flowers

Robinthecaveman · 25/05/2019 20:10

I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. Please put yourself first and put to the back of your mind what people will think of you for leaving. They aren’t the ones living your life and you deserve to live free from this terrible abuse.

Your first responsibility is to yourself and your DC who need to get away from this. He is NOT a wonderful father if he does this to his children’s mother. He is not faultless because he is a rapist.

You are so very brave to have started this thread and i wish you strength to keep on doing what you need to do. 💐

Original poster
Isthisashitidea · 25/05/2019 20:15

Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. It feels like a huge relief just to write it down and admit it out loud, even if it is on a forum!

I have often though myself ‘what would it take for me to leave him?’

If this was happening to somebody else I know I would be urging them to leave and get help. I can not believe myself that I am in this situation. It’s terrifying . I know that I need to leave for my own sake and that in turn I will become a better mother to my children. I will be happier if I leave . It will be tough but in the long term it will be better.

In away for many years I have been hoping that he would falter in a way that would make the marriage easier to leave. If he were to have an affair , I could leave and other people would understand why.

I know I shouldn’t care about what other people , but all they see is a great husband and father and they would think I was pulling My family apart. All our friends are mutual friends and I truly believe that if I were to leave home, that my friendships with them would be lost. I would end up totally alone.

I need to make a plan to set myself up to leave - if it wasn’t for the children I would just go , get away, and start over.

Have any of you left your husbands ? If so how did you do it?

OP posts:
coffeehabit · 25/05/2019 20:16

You are strongerbthan you think by writing this, and have taken that first very important step.

because every one who I am close to will think I have made the wrong choice, because he is a good man, husband and father in the eyes of every one else

Can you confide in a friend or family member as well as contacting Rape Crisis etc?

WipeYourFeetOnTheRhythmRug · 25/05/2019 20:16

anyone is “wonderful” if you are allowed to exclude their faults.

So sorry this has happened to you. I hope you get some help.

Bluebelliphant · 25/05/2019 20:18

I feel so sad reading this. What a horrific man. He is treating you objectionably and I'm afraid that anyone who can treat women with such contempt can not be a good husband or father.

I hope that by starting this thread you can find the courage to get out. No one should have to live under the threat of sexual violence. You deserve to have your body and your boundaries treated with respect.

I am so sorry that you are in this position and agree with PPs re women's aid or rape crisis.

Wishing you every strength ThanksThanks

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