Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

I need to admit this is happening... [Trigger warning: concerns rape]

95 replies

Isthisashitidea · 25/05/2019 19:03

My husband who is a great father and otherwise faultless husband rapes me. Many moons ago when he first ever refused to stop after I told him too, I confronted him the next day , and he swore to never do it again and blamed the alcohol and excitement overcoming him. This was a very long time ago and I am only now admitting to myself that this has been happening regularly for a long time. It is not violent or aggressive but he is clearly aware that I am not consenting and continues anyway.

It started out as making advances which I’d reject to the point he would keep on until I would eventually just lay silent, not responding, until he was finished.

Now it happens most when I am asleep and I wake to find him groping or inside me. I tell him to stop, leave me sleep, please leave me alone but he ignores what I say and just does as he wants.

The most recent occurrence was last night. Today I have been upset , unmotivated and just want to hide away on my own. The plans I had made for this evening I have cancelled and I realise that I have done this on many occasions. I have zero self esteem and , I think, zero respect for myself. I cannot believe I have put up with this for such a long time. This year marks our 10th wedding anniversary and this has been going on for way longer than that. It has become our norm !

In all other respects, he is an amazing father and good husband. I have spoken to him before about this and he brushes it off and says he didn’t realise I was asleep or that he hadn’t heard me say no.

I have no one to turn to. No one would believe me and in all honesty I don’t want to label the father of my children as a rapist even though that’s exactly what he does to me.

The whole situation is making me feel desperately unhappy. He has taken the children out to the party this evening that we had all planned to go to and I know that everyone there will be thinking how much of an amazing father he is and will probably think that I am too lazy, or odd, not to show.

I feel like I am swimming against the current as my mental health is struggling but I know that I am not strong enough to do what I need to do, and leave him for my sake, because every one who I am close to will think I have made the wrong choice, because he is a good man, husband and father in the eyes of every one else.

I’m stuck, sad and lonely.

OP posts:

Erythronium · 27/05/2019 10:28

I'm so sorry he's doing this to you OP. Reading your post made me cry.

Numbers/links that might help you:

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247
Rape Crisis rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/find-a-rape-crisis-centre/
The Freedom Programme freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I don't know if it will help to hear this, but what he is doing has nothing to do with you or anything you've done. Nice ordinary women are victims of men like this. It could literally happen to any of us. If it doesn't it's because we've been lucky. Most importantly, you don't deserve this and you do deserve to be safe. Put yourself first, ignore what anybody else might think (although you might be surprised with the support you get) and get away from him. If you do have the courage, tell the police. It's an awful thing to name your husband as a rapist, but it is the truth and the truth is sometimes awful.

Whosorrynow · 27/05/2019 10:49

In his mind you are an object that belongs to him, my concern is that if you leave him he will experience it as a theft of his rightful property and will respond accordingly.
what you have said about him listening to your objections but disregarding them ....I find this chilling and sinister
Please be careful and prioritise your safety

sprouts21 · 27/05/2019 10:52

I wrote a similar post on here years ago because my husband was exactly the same.

I would really query if he is a Wonderful father and husband in every other way. Your husband is an abuser and his weapon of choice is sexual abuse. Be honest with yourself if emotional, verbal or financial abuse is also happening.

Stop sharing a bed with him immediately even if it means you sleeping with one of the children. I would also record him admitting what he's been doing, because you might want to report it at some point.

I'm very sorry this is happening to you.

Whosorrynow · 27/05/2019 11:33

I agree you should be keeping a log of everything

AdoraBell · 27/05/2019 12:44

Definitely keep a log of everything, including him saying he understands what you day and will not repeat the behaviour.

Whosorrynow · 27/05/2019 12:51

I haven’t told him that if it happens again I will be leaving - he will use this as an excuse to be horrible to me
What's really happening here is that in his mind he is in charge, he is the boss, any challenge to his authority constitutes insubordination and it is his right to punish you for it

Whosorrynow · 27/05/2019 12:55

Many moons ago when he first ever refused to stop after I told him too, I confronted him the next day , and he swore to never do it again and blamed the alcohol and excitement overcoming him. This was a very long time ago and I am only now admitting to myself that this has been happening regularly for a long time. It is not violent or aggressive but he is clearly aware that I am not consenting and continues anyway
I think that raping you is his sexual fetish, his preferred way of getting his sexual gratification, I'm sorry to have to say this so bluntly
people on here want to help you, as I've said I find this very sinister, please prioritise yourself.

Youryour · 27/05/2019 13:02

Have the conversation again with him admitting it and record it discretely, so you have evidence. You can then email it to yourself for safe keeping if you decide to prosecute.

mrsjackrussell · 27/05/2019 21:12

Hope you're OK op

Original poster

Isthisashitidea · 28/05/2019 04:53

At this moment in time I can’t ever imagine reporting him to the police. I realise this sounds pathetic on my behalf but I have concerns about the impact this would have on our children. However , I will take the advice of making a recording when I next bring it up so that I have evidence, of some sort, if need be.

I don’t feel like speaking to my GP is an option, and IRL my circle is really small and there is no one in it who I can go to with this.

After admitting this on here the realisation of what’s going on has hit my like a ton of bricks. I think I have been blind to aspects of what is going on because there has been no violence or aggression.

Practical arrangements to leave would be almost straightforward...emotionally not so simple.

OP posts:

yiskasha · 28/05/2019 05:54

He isn't a good husband if he rapes you. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

DaysLikeThis1 · 28/05/2019 06:29

I feel so much for you Isthis as I was in a similar relationship for many years and it happened many times. He even laughed once that he had sex with me and I hadn’t woken up. I didn’t realise it was rape. I am ashamed to say that it was him who left me in the end. I was a shell of my former self and not only disinterested in sex but actually repulsed by it. To him the breakdown of our relationship was my fault. No (consensual) sex and I was always tired as I could never sleep well.
I have been on my own for a few years now and I cannot tell you how much happier I am. It has been wonderful to find myself again and to feel safe and relaxed in my own bed.
I really hope you do leave, it will be hard emotionally for a while. But I think, like me, you may discover that this is not the only area in which you are being abused. I really admire your bravery in posting, I am not as brave as you and haven’t told anyone this before. It’s been a relief to write it down. I hope it helps you. Good luck, be safe.

Sally2791 · 28/05/2019 06:47

Disgusting revolting man. He has eroded your confidence over the years. Well done for being able to write about it here. I would suggest seeing a solicitor and getting all the financial information in order before telling him you are leaving, because he may become aggressive and difficult in other ways once he realises that you mean it.

mrsjackrussell · 28/05/2019 07:17

Just a thought for someone to talk to IRL would you be able to get yourself a councellor.

Supergrassyknoll · 28/05/2019 08:42

I'm so so sorry for you, I really hope you can gather the strength to get help and get out of the situation. Please know that you will be believed xx

namechange4thisone · 28/05/2019 08:49

I believe you. It happened to me.

I would wake up to my ex on top of me or in the morning with no bottoms on. If I rolled away or said no I would have to covers pulled off me and he would shove me off the bed or kick me all night or stick his knees in my back.

When I spoke to him he would say "you can't rape your own wife. It's my right to have sex whenever I want".

It took me so long to get away from him but now I'm in a loving marriage and he understands no means no.

Seek advise from anyone you can. It's actually very common so don't worry about not being believed. I'm happy to chat more if you want to PM me.

Kashti · 28/05/2019 11:07

@DaysLikeThis1 you have nothing to be ashamed of that he left you. The same happened to me years ago and it made me feel worse that he left me when I should have had the courage to have left him. Years later I can see I was wrong to blame myself for that.

Sending strength to everyone on this thread and OP you must put yourself first

HollowTalk · 28/05/2019 11:15

I agree with recording your conversations about this but I'm really worried in case he discovers this. I think you'd talk differently if you knew you were recording it - eg "So you admit you're raping me?" and if he found out I think you'd be in real danger.

Treesthemovie · 28/05/2019 11:19

He might also rape your children.

Treesthemovie · 28/05/2019 11:20

This is a possibility you have to consider.

HollowTalk · 28/05/2019 11:20

Things are bad enough, Trees, without that sort of comment.

Treesthemovie · 28/05/2019 11:28

Hollow, I'm not making a rude comment here, I'm encouraging OP to think about the full picture. A man who sees his wife as an object often also sees his kids this way. I'm not exaggerating at all, it's quite likely.

mummyhaschangedhername · 28/05/2019 11:29

OP what a horrible position to be in. Glad your taking actions to leave. I would keep a diary too.

Treesthemovie · 28/05/2019 11:29

This man has been raping his wife in her sleep for 10 years and you think it's ridiculous to suggest he might hurt his kids? Very naive

Whosorrynow · 28/05/2019 11:35

This man is sexually attracted to people who are unable to provide consent because they are unconscious, he's a Predator, he is sexually excited by people who are weak vulnerable and powerless to resist him

I can totally see why he would be attracted to children

Flip

1 2 3 4