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Original poster

I need to admit this is happening... [Trigger warning: concerns rape]

95 replies

Isthisashitidea · 25/05/2019 19:03

My husband who is a great father and otherwise faultless husband rapes me. Many moons ago when he first ever refused to stop after I told him too, I confronted him the next day , and he swore to never do it again and blamed the alcohol and excitement overcoming him. This was a very long time ago and I am only now admitting to myself that this has been happening regularly for a long time. It is not violent or aggressive but he is clearly aware that I am not consenting and continues anyway.

It started out as making advances which I’d reject to the point he would keep on until I would eventually just lay silent, not responding, until he was finished.

Now it happens most when I am asleep and I wake to find him groping or inside me. I tell him to stop, leave me sleep, please leave me alone but he ignores what I say and just does as he wants.

The most recent occurrence was last night. Today I have been upset , unmotivated and just want to hide away on my own. The plans I had made for this evening I have cancelled and I realise that I have done this on many occasions. I have zero self esteem and , I think, zero respect for myself. I cannot believe I have put up with this for such a long time. This year marks our 10th wedding anniversary and this has been going on for way longer than that. It has become our norm !

In all other respects, he is an amazing father and good husband. I have spoken to him before about this and he brushes it off and says he didn’t realise I was asleep or that he hadn’t heard me say no.

I have no one to turn to. No one would believe me and in all honesty I don’t want to label the father of my children as a rapist even though that’s exactly what he does to me.

The whole situation is making me feel desperately unhappy. He has taken the children out to the party this evening that we had all planned to go to and I know that everyone there will be thinking how much of an amazing father he is and will probably think that I am too lazy, or odd, not to show.

I feel like I am swimming against the current as my mental health is struggling but I know that I am not strong enough to do what I need to do, and leave him for my sake, because every one who I am close to will think I have made the wrong choice, because he is a good man, husband and father in the eyes of every one else.

I’m stuck, sad and lonely.

OP posts:

Craftycorvid · 25/05/2019 20:25

I’m so sorry, OP. Can’t add more to the sensible advice already offered but didn’t want to ‘read and run’. An ex did this to me twice in a ten-year relationship and it felt demeaning and horrible. No ‘violence’ needs to occur for it to be an attack

Susanna88 · 25/05/2019 20:29

I am so sorry this has been happening to you.

I haven't been in your situation. But I can't imagine I would allow my children to be under the same roof as a rapist. He is an evil man, and he clearly thinks he's getting away with it. What else will he do.

Please get help.
Other people's opinions are not what's important here.

gamerwidow · 25/05/2019 20:29

I know I shouldn’t care about what other people , but all they see is a great husband and father and they would think I was pulling My family apart. All our friends are mutual friends and I truly believe that if I were to leave home, that my friendships with them would be lost. I would end up totally alone

You'd be surprised, I bet his not been as successful as covering his true nature as you think. Just because everyone is nice to his face doesn't mean they actually like him. You've been conditioned by him to believe that he holds all the power and he doesn't. You can leave, people will understand.

Summerorjustmaybe · 25/05/2019 20:34

I borrowed cash from my dgm and rented a house. Older dc didn't have to see him, younger ones did (court ordered). As teens they went nc anyway.
You can do it op. Register with the police text service. Next time text you need assistance and let them take him away.

31133004Taff · 25/05/2019 20:36

So brave to have taken the step of being honest with yourself what you need now. Plan and action. 🌷

HollowTalk · 25/05/2019 20:43

This is absolutely terrible.

I think you should speak to your GP. What would your husband say if you told him you were going to talk to your GP because you were depressed? Would he tell you not to talk about this?

Do you ever have sex with him willingly? I wouldn't want to.

PurpleDaisies · 25/05/2019 20:46

I agree that seeing your GP is s good next step.

pheonixrebirth · 25/05/2019 20:49

I'm so so sorry that you are going through this. He has charmed the whole world around you and only you know the truth!

The whole reason he pretends to the world that he is mr wonderful is because he also knows the truth about himself.
Ted bundy was also a charming man according to many!
Women's aid will have the tools to help you deal with this in your own head first, only then can you make a plan of action. Just please be safe and reach out to a confidant IRL though. Things may escalate and you have got to put your safety first and foremost. Sending you big hugs for being brave enough to speak out. 💐💐💐

Kat2000 · 25/05/2019 21:03

You have taken the first step by writing on here, that must of taken a lot for you to do that. You know that this is wrong. It dosent matter that you are married, he has no right to do this to you and for so long. At the moment you can’t see a way out but there are people who can help you, you just need to reach out to them in your own time. Have you heard of the freedom programme, it is a place where you can go and speak about what is happening to you with a group of women who have been in similar situations. No one will judge you, talking about what is happening and recognising that this is abuse will help you so much and it might help give you the strength to leave him. You can even go and not say anything at all but it makes you see that this is wrong and you don’t have to live like this. Please do this for yourself, you have one life and you don’t need to live it with this man who has no respect for you. Sending you much love and hugs x

MadeForThis · 25/05/2019 21:35

I believe you.
He knows what he is doing. Every time it happens he knows what he is doing.

Don't try to understand motivation. Don't make excuses. He doesn't deserve that.

Stay strong and make plans to leave. Now that you have accepted and acknowledged what he is really doing - rape - you can move on, get angry, get really angry. You need a plan for what you will do the next time he tries to rape you.

Can you tell anyone? Friend? GP? Woman's aid?

MaverickSnoopy · 25/05/2019 21:48

OP it's been going on for so long that he's justifying it in all sorts of ways. Telling himself that you're ok with it and it's normal etc. He will never change.

MoodLighting · 25/05/2019 21:51

You do not deserve such disgusting treatment. This is the most legitimate reason ever for leaving a marriage. You do not deserve this disgraceful abuse and it is not your fault. Please do call women's aid or rape crisis and begin to think about a life beyond this horror. Thinking of you.

Whosorrynow · 25/05/2019 21:54

this man is evil he knows exactly what he's doing, it's a deliberate attempt to humiliate control and destroy you as a person
It is gaslighting writ large, he sounds malign and sociopathic
Do not let him continue with this destruction

Whosorrynow · 25/05/2019 21:55

He is treating you as if you are an object, not a person

coffeehabit · 26/05/2019 07:44

OP hope you are ok this morning.

mrsjackrussell · 26/05/2019 09:05

This is horrific. Please speak to somebody irl about this. Preferably a professional. This is one of the worst things iv ever read on here. Thinking of you x

chuffinghell · 26/05/2019 09:06

I believe you OP. This breaks my heart. Please speak to someone in RL, you are strong and can totally do this. You'll look back and be so glad you did not only for yourself but your children. Take care xx

Original poster

Isthisashitidea · 27/05/2019 08:07

Thank you all for your kind , supportive and non judgmental comments. I have again spoken to him about this , and explained how it makes me feel and that it is wrong. He actually apologised and said he will not
do it again. I do not believe him. I haven’t told him that if it happens again I will be leaving - he will use this as an excuse to be horrible to me and it’s a bad vibe that my children can do without being around.

I am going to prioritise looking at our finances , (I deal with this) so I can make plans to leave. I am just going to have to up and go.

You are all right, that I don’t need to justify leaving my marriage to anyone other my husband. I have shared the ‘Understanding consent - like a cup of tea’ video with him time and time again. He understands what he is doing but chooses to do it anyway.

It has become vicious circle. I am
never intimate through choice , and he uses this as justification for taking what he wants.

I do feel more positive now that I have admitted what is happening here ! Now I NEED to take control of the situation.

OP posts:

picklemepopcorn · 27/05/2019 08:18

This will sound odd... have you considered taking a rape alarm to bed? He's used to not listening to you. He'd struggle to claim he didn't hear a rape alarm.

winewolfhowls · 27/05/2019 08:20

Writing this has been your first step. Keep brave lovely lady

LittleLongDog · 27/05/2019 08:24

If he tries to do it again say to him “you are raping me”. He won’t struggle to understand that.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Teaandcrisps · 27/05/2019 08:39

I too wanted to add my support to you and I am truly sorry that you are going through this terrible violence. I worry for you that it will happen again - is there anyway that you are able to have your bedroom as a safe space with a lock? Is there a spare room? My gut feeling is that you need to get out of this situation and be safe and second the advice to get a rape alarm. Next time and I so hope there isn't, would you feel that you could call the police too?

And so much respect to you for having the courage to write this post.

TanMateix · 27/05/2019 10:06

One more thing op... you don’t even need to justify it to him or seek his acceptance, understanding or agreement to leave. If it doesn’t work for you, you can leave when you wish.

TheInvestigator · 27/05/2019 10:14

You don’t need to justify leaving to him either! You don’t need his permission to leave. You dont need his acceptance to leave. You don’t need to make excuses or justification to leave.

You want to leave. That’s all the matters. Your kids will be much better off if you leave and can get back to being happy and strong. They will be much happier with a mum who has her self esteem back, so don’t stay for the kids. They won’t be happy children coming from a home where their dad rapes their mum.

I know you won’t do it, but you should go straight to the police. Have the conversation with him again and record it. Record him admitting it and go to the police. They will get him out of your house.

BuildBuildings · 27/05/2019 10:16

I'm so sorry this is happening. He is not an amazing father and good husband though. In the nicest possible way you need to stop telling yourself this. As it's keeping you in the marriage. No man who rapes their wife and mother of their children is a good father. He's taking away from your wellbeing and ability to parent. That's not what a good father does. I really don't want this to sound harsh because your situation is awful.

What are the practical implications of ending the marriage? Could you leave and stay elsewhere could he? What are your finances like? I think after all of this time it's not going to change.

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