I need to admit this is happening... [Trigger warning: concerns rape]

[Isthisashitidea]

My husband who is a great father and otherwise faultless husband rapes me. Many moons ago when he first ever refused to stop after I told him too, I confronted him the next day , and he swore to never do it again and blamed the alcohol and excitement overcoming him. This was a very long time ago and I am only now admitting to myself that this has been happening regularly for a long time. It is not violent or aggressive but he is clearly aware that I am not consenting and continues anyway.

It started out as making advances which I’d reject to the point he would keep on until I would eventually just lay silent, not responding, until he was finished.

Now it happens most when I am asleep and I wake to find him groping or inside me. I tell him to stop, leave me sleep, please leave me alone but he ignores what I say and just does as he wants.

The most recent occurrence was last night. Today I have been upset , unmotivated and just want to hide away on my own. The plans I had made for this evening I have cancelled and I realise that I have done this on many occasions. I have zero self esteem and , I think, zero respect for myself. I cannot believe I have put up with this for such a long time. This year marks our 10th wedding anniversary and this has been going on for way longer than that. It has become our norm !

In all other respects, he is an amazing father and good husband. I have spoken to him before about this and he brushes it off and says he didn’t realise I was asleep or that he hadn’t heard me say no.

I have no one to turn to. No one would believe me and in all honesty I don’t want to label the father of my children as a rapist even though that’s exactly what he does to me.

The whole situation is making me feel desperately unhappy. He has taken the children out to the party this evening that we had all planned to go to and I know that everyone there will be thinking how much of an amazing father he is and will probably think that I am too lazy, or odd, not to show.

I feel like I am swimming against the current as my mental health is struggling but I know that I am not strong enough to do what I need to do, and leave him for my sake, because every one who I am close to will think I have made the wrong choice, because he is a good man, husband and father in the eyes of every one else.

I’m stuck, sad and lonely.

Exactly whosorry. I'm not trying to say he is doing this just that it's something OP should keep in mind because there is a fair possibility he would.

I think one problem (and this has been alluded to by the OP) is that we tend to associate malign intent with aggression and violence.
The most successful predators do not need to use violence, they are able to control and destroy you via more subtle but ultimately much more powerful methods which fly under your radar because your radar is set to detect obvious aggressors

Trees has a point. This man is a rapist and by rights should be in prison. Children and women are not safe around any rapist whether they've been prosecuted or not.

Have you spoken to women's aid op?

I have not contacted any of the numbers given yet. My children and not at risk directly here. I can understand why it’s a valid point but if I ever for a moment thought there was any risk to the children then I would not be here. I have spent some time , making small practical arrangements , so when I do come to leave that it will be easier. At the moment my husband is working away regularly so I am able to have periods of time to sort things out and to seek support with out him noticing what I am doing.

@Absolutepowercorrupts - They're not just there to help women in domestic violence situations

Make no mistake, this IS a domestic violence situation. Raping someone is violent act.

@ferrymeoff - You are someone's daughter and deserve better
You are someone 's daughter and deserve better

and I truly believe that if I were to leave home, that my friendships with them would be lost. I would end up totally alone. And that may happen, and if it does then good riddance, because they aren't very good friends if they don't believe you.

He understands consent op. The Tea video is not needed here. He understands that he doesn't have your consent. He doesn't want it, and he doesn't care that he doesn't have it. You say there has been no violence, but as I said before, rape IS a violent act in itself.

@LittleLongDog He won’t struggle to understand that He's not struggling to understand anything. He knows what he is doing.

@Whosorrynow I think that raping you is his sexual fetish I don't think it's helpful to call this a fetish, to be honest. In all the time op has been with his, it doesn't sound like he has explained it is a fetish. Regardless, calling it so normalizes it somehow, and it's not normal. It's like calling paedophilia a fetish.

It's ok to take a bit of time to let this sink in, OP. Just protect yourself in the meantime. Do whatever it is that makes you feel grounded, calm and powerful. And organise yourself to get away from him.

Isthisashitidea i believe you

I am so sorry for your situation,

I am so sorry OP. I can see he’s worn you down and this is your norm.
And its so easy now to say he’s a good father and husband, whatever. However he doesn’t take care of his kids by raping their mother. I know speaking up is scary OP, but you’re covering for him by saying nothing. And those around you who don’t believe you,are happy believing he’s good. So know in advance you’re not out to convince them of anything. You are just getting the confidence to share story with the authorities and then put distance between you and your husband so he cannot rape you. Too bad if that destroys other people’s stories about him, or him and you. They’ll get over it. However what he does to you is soul destroying. How dare he! What right does he have to steal your life from you? He doesn’t. I am mad and sad for you.
I hope you find the strength to pack up your kids and leave. He is a beast and he does not for one second care about you. Sorry OP.

And I have to ask but is it possible he’s doing anything to your kids OP? You won’t necessarily know if he has tried this on your kids. I think you need to act to protect them. You don’t know if and when he starts this on them - it may his next thing. He may get bored with you and see his kids as options (sorry to say that - we don’t know his mind). Please don’t believe he loves them too much to do this. He easily does this to you and does not feel bad. Please act to protect you, and at the least remove your kids from his care. One rape attempt on them will scar them. Please seek help for you all.

There is a huge difference between a man believing his wife's consent is not important and a man raping children. He won't think of himself as being a rapist- it's only been a legal issue in the last 40 years and attitudes seem to change slowly. Just because he is an arrogant, entitled, selfish husband doesn't make him a paedoplhile. Don't make an awful situation worse.

@Pickle I think you are minimising the implications of this man's behaviour

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this op.
It's fucking disgusting and terrifying when you can't feel completely safe at home, in your own bed with your husband beside you.
Yes, he is a predator and sick excuse for a human but he is also a criminal!
I had to live this with an ex, at first I wasn't certain that it was happening, then I awoke twice during it. I had the promises that he wouldn't do it again too but he did. I threatened I'd ring the police and I did the final time it happened. Nothing came of it sadly but he got arrested and questioned and had reality hit him. I left him.
Keep on planning your way out op and maybe when he is home could you sleep somewhere safe, maybe put a lock on a door on one of the dcs rooms and all of you sleep there.
While I do think he is a pig and obviously you need to be sensible and vigilant - claims that he is doing this to the dc aren't going to help the op. This is about control, the dh here doesn't give 2 shits that what he's doing is wrong, it's his wife he'll do what he wants. it's his right or similar warped rationale. Being a rapist does not = paedophile.

@picklemepopcorn actually there’s not a large difference between the two, but if you think so.
He’s helping himself to sex. No one is off limits. He’s so shutdown he doesn’t think it’s wrong. Just like how people here think marital rape isnt domestic violence. Ok, but it is. We just have an image in our head of what DV is and what a raping husband is. There are the same.

It's been proven that men who rape and batter their wives are very significantly more likely to commit incest and rape their children. They view the wife as a sex object and tend to see the kids as objects also due to their mentality. They enjoy and are turned on by power and control which can be exerted through rape. It's no stretch

You may deny this but the studies are clear - look at the studies discussing abusive men as parents - they are far more likely to sexually assault the kids and this is a simple fact.

Links to mentioned studies please, if you'd be so kind Trees

Studies seen in The Batterer as Parent by Lundy Bancroft, Daniel Richie, jay Silverman.

lundybancroft.com/articles/the-connection-between-batterers-and-child-sexual-abuse-perpetrators/

Many studies mentioned at the end of this article, you're welcome.

Thanks Trees