How do I stop feeling disappointed about my DD?

[M3lon]

There is no need to respond to this telling me I'm an arsehole...I know. I would like to stop being an arsehole before it does any damage to my poor child, who certainly deserves better than me for a parent.

The problem is that I'm just constantly disappointed with her progress at basically everything.

I definitely love her....though its taken a while due to PND and depression, to truly understand that. She is now nearly 8 yo.

But I feel disappointed all the time. Obviously I try to hide it - but I'm sure it leaks through.

Both me and DH are musical, sporty and academic and I just don't know how to feel positive about DD who seems to have no aptitude or interest in anything.

So any advice on how to stop being an arsehole would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you so much for all the comments

curlygirl its so useful to hear that from your perspective. I can see that might be exactly what did is experiencing when she interacts with me.

She also spends time reminding me of previous things I was really impressed with her about. As if she is seeking to reassure herself that she has those attributes still.

I can see what people are saying about school - and I do think it would help her a lot if she could be more around other kids learning. She doesn't get to see that everyone else struggles with ideas the first time they come across them, she just knows that she can't do it and me and DH can.

BUT she has battled for 3 years now to tolerate the largest group activity she does, which is her group music lessons. She can just about get through a 45 min session in a group of about 15 with two teachers. This still seems like a million miles from a group of 30 with one teacher for a whole day.

And anything happening in the class will cause her a set back. Another child causing trouble and getting told off, another child being told to put down their instrument till they calm down, another child trying to talk to her when there is not supposed to be talking....once she came running out of the lesson in tears and after 15 mins of sobbing and rocking I finally understood that she had spun around on her bum while waiting for the teacher to find some music on her smart phone...and fidgeting broke a rule of the class...and even though the teacher didn't see her or say anything she was totally distraught.

I can't really see that simply sending her to school is an option at the moment.

I really don't know what to think regarding potential autism. It doesn't seem like a great fit - she seems NT most ot the time, just absolutely can't deal with rules and rules being broken.

I know everyone's an armchair expert when it comes to this sort of thing.

Like others, it does seem to me as if your DD could possibly be on the autism spectrum.

This article gives an amazing insight into how differently people with autism present, depending on their unique position on the spectrum.

theaspergian.com/2019/05/04/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/

Did you say she likes gardening? Maybe get her to plan a garden or part of a garden and you and DH can carry it out (ie do anything IF she needs an extra pair of hands to do it). Maybe something where she is in charge and you don’t make comments but you all work together on?

I wonder if really focusing right now on doing things together with no right or wrong, winning or losing might help to build some trust from her that theres no judgement or expectation. Eating ice cream, watching films etc. Also practice modelling getting things wrong and being ok with it..late for an appointment..oh well people make mistakes, break something.. these things happen.

OP have you gone down the route of counselling for her. My child psychologist friend said by 7-8 years their personality is set. You can twig it slightly but it's a lot harder.
My DD had confidence issues (not anxiety) but even that was holding her back in class. She's come a long way in the 6+ months of working with her but she still needs a bit more of a boost

I'm so impressed with you and your willingness to look at your own parenting and try to understand how you're contributing and what your need to change. In public on mumsnet, too!

I would like to ask, do YOU ever just play? Not with a purpose.of learning or improving anything, just for the sake of it. Jumping in puddles. Squishing playdough. Singing along sillily loudly and badly to the radio! Throwing wet paper towels at the bathroom mirror without trying to explain physics. Putting on outrageously bad make up and laughing your socks off. Making a puppet out of a sock and pretending you've got a new friend for the day who is a cheeky rogue.

I'd love to see you modelling silliness and play, and embracing failure, see what accidental effect that has on her.

I would also recommend doing what's known as shadow work. There are things we see in other people that we overly adore or dislike, which are secretly parts of ourselves that we have written off or forgotten we have. Jamie Catto does an excellent workshop called transforming shadows, I think you and DH would really benefit from doing it.

Best of luck OP! Xxx

Re the adherence to rules and fairness, I am sorry to say that I think your attitude has made her feel like following the rules to the letter is the one thing she does do well. You’ve never just let her BE, so she doesn’t know how to.

You don’t need to give her any kind of feedback, positive, or otherwise. That still makes her feel like what matters most in her doing anything is your verdict. You need to let her do things in her own time and pace. Also with regards to quitting classes because she isn’t as good at them as others - this is because you’ve made her feel the whole point of doing an activity is to be good at it, not because it’s fun and you enjoy it. Try a new class for her and make it very clear that it’s just for fun and that’s what matters.

Don’t try to join in with or take over everything she does - you are making her feel like even the things she chooses to relax and amuse herself are regimented activities you will judge her for.

You need to start letting her feel the opinion that matters is hers, not yours. Ask her opinion on things. Ask her advice. Let her make choices for the rest of you - what to have for dinner, what shoes you should wear to work etc. Let her have her voice and stop trying to make her say what you want her to.

You need to go back to counselling for your DD’s sake because she can’t get better until you do. Fix your behaviour and her anxiety will get loads better.

I was very academic, very artistic, very good at most things. At 2, my DS isn’t even talking yet and shows no signs of being gifted. But he’s funny. And he’s kind. And he’s happy. And that’s everything he needs to be.

When she wants to, let her pick a hobby / club that she's interested in, that you have no interest in. So it is 'her thing'. Don't become interested in the hobby, only facilitate bringing her there.

This has been fab for my youngest DD.

I’m not sure if I’ve missed this somehow but OP if your daughter is home schooled because of anxiety, how is that being addressed? Is she receiving therapy/training in understanding her emotions?

I appreciate you are home schooling her as she currently cannot cope with mainstream school but I wonder when and how you think this is going to change without her learning to not be controlled by her emotions (eg. She is Stopped/hindered from participating in things because her emotional state won’t allow her).

The extreme emotional reactions to things around her reminds me of how I was as a child. As others have suggested, autistic spectrum sounds a possibility- or some traits of BPD. I don’t like armchair diagnosing either but it does seem familiar and I do think your daughter would benefit from professional help developing a toolkit with which deal with situations she finds difficult, possibly DBT with a therapist.

If I was you, my priority would be helping her to manage her emotions and get the confidence she needs to interact with her peers so she can choose to go to school and not be stopped from participating in things, having more choices.

From what you have said OP I think there's a high chance of your daughter being on the autistic spectrum.
I homeschool one of my (asd) children for very similar reasons to you and honestly it all sounds very familiar indeed. I too made the mistake of leaping on any interest in case this was the 'one', even as far as buying books and googling college courses when my child was in primary school.
Every time my child lost interest! I'm kicking myself for insisting on taking musical grade exams as that killed the love of music lessons. I have learnt to be very casual indeed. At this age you just need to facilitate. My child hates activities with more than about 3 others so we just don't do them, we find other ways. Do things just for fun - she will eventually find something she loves and excels at, just don't get too excited about it

XXvag I'm not sure I know how to do something just for fun tbh. I think you've made a very important point. I do always focus on improving and if I'm not I tend to switch and do something else.

I've recently found myself wondering what the point of singing in the choir I'm in might be, given I'm never going to be in Pentatonix...it took me a good few weeks to work out that I enjoy singing with other people...and that might be a good enough reason to do it even though I'll never turn pro.

I am increasingly aware that I'm pretty slow when it comes to understanding life and my place in it. Fast at all things science and maths...slow as anything with real life.

tangle I am very good a screwing things up and not pretending I didn't...I think that comes with the job of being a scientist. Very happy to air wrong ideas and bad thinking and then admit it. DD seems to love my tales of the mistakes I make at work both social and scientific.

fenella I don't think she has gotten this from me. I'm basically an anarchist. I hate repetition to the point of finding it hard if I live somewhere that means I have to drive the same route to work everyday. It is possible she has developed her response in opposition to my way of life...but she has been like this forever...since at least 18 months, so I think its more of a personality trait of her own rather than an imposition.

and finally counselling/diagnosis. I think if it were just me then I would have taken her for diagnosis and or therapy/counselling probably around 2 years ago. That decision doesn't just rest with me though, and DH really hasn't felt it is the right thing for DD. I will reopen the discussion with him...especially as DD is currently having a bit of a flair up on the anxiety side.

TL:DR

@M3lon I'd suggest you examine your own relationship with your mother. What was her reaction to these achievements and hobbies? Did you ever give you praise outside of these activities? We often play out our parents when dealing with our own children whether we mean to or not. I'd suggest philipa Perry's book, the book you wish your parents had read. It's a really easy read and very thought provoking. All the best OP

We're you and your dh pitsta in things when you were 8, are you comparing a child with yourself at that age looking back with rose tinted glasses?

Pitsta?? Autocorrect failed.
I meant outstanding.

I think your dd NEEDS professional help. She sounds like a really unhappy wee girl.

FWIW my ds was like this in terms of no real passions and didn’t seem to be very academic or sporty etc. He’s 12 now and actually it turns out he is quite academic, and sporty. He is also a perfectionist though , as am I and I cannot tell you how much it hinders both of us. Nothing is ever good enough and if you can’t be perfect at something then why bother? I’m trying to help him with this and help me at the same time! When I was a kid if I got 95% they’d ask what happened to the other 5% etc. It’s really really limited my life.

Conversely my dd (8) has a go at anything and everything and will try and try and try at something until she gets it. Ds and I would’ve given up ages ago out of embarrassment / shame / disappointment / frustration. She is so much happier and actually achieves much more simply because of her attitude.

I don’t mean she adheres to the rules because you do, I mean she adheres to them because she feels like that, at least, is something she can do we’ll which might please you.

If I was you, my priority would be helping her to manage her emotions and get the confidence she needs to interact with her peers so she can choose to go to school and not be stopped from participating in things, having more choices.

I agree with all this, but I also worry that you might not be best placed to help your daughter OP. You are clearly a loving and concerned parent, but you sound so very intense about everything (it is not normal to get upset if you have to drive the same route. I would call that anxiety/control rather than anarchy).

I am basically worried that the more time your daughter spends with only you and your husband, the more anxious and rigid she will get. I think whole family counseling would be great here, with the specific goal of getting your daughter out into the wider world.

What does your husband think M3lon?

I do think you can calm down a bit, easier said than done, but she's not even 8 yet. Just play is the best thing for kids that age. They learn so much through play, it is how she learns to interact with the world around her, it is wonderful - she's doing exactly what she needs to, she is being creative, spatial, problem solving... so many things. Really. Letting her play now will reap rewards.

I think home ed is fantastic.

M3 have you thought about forgetting external achievements altogether and praising her only on her inner qualities ie I love how brave, kind, caring you are rather than that's a lovely drawing?

As you don’t say you have other children I’m assuming your DD is an only child. I’m an only (as is my DD), when you’re an only you can end up as the hyper focus of your parents’ attention. The fact that your DD is being home educated just intensifies this, she has absolutely nowhere to hide, no one and nothing else to take the focus off her.

I wasn’t home schooled, but I do know what it’s like to be the families only child and therefore the only yardstick, and it can be a very uncomfortable place. I’ve tried hard not to over focus on my DD, sometimes more successfully than others. I know she hates being homed in on, so I don’t push her interests, I try to just supply her with things to help her. So for instance she likes doing origami so I bought her some origami paper, but I haven’t asked much about what or how she’s doing (she teaches herself from YouTube tutorials), and if she wants to show me the results she does, but not always.

Your DD needs to just be, she doesn’t always need either praise or criticism for what she’s doing. Try making comments which aren’t too focused on her, so if she shows you a picture she’s drawn say “I like the colours, did you use the pens grandma gave you for Christmas?” Or “the flowers are nice, they remind me of the ones we saw in the park” so she gets a compliment but the focus is immediately shifted off her work and onto something more neutral.

She’s not you, or you 2.0, she’s not your chance of a do over at life, she’s her own person and you need to let her be that.

I'm not sure I know how to do something just for fun tbh

Perhaps this is what you need to think about in relation to your dd. Things like clubs and activities are great for kids, but that is all it should be, a fun activity, not on-the-job training. Clearly activities which involve learning a skill such as music or horse riding have only served to increase her anxiety because she is continually comparing herself to others and finding herself wanting.

Does she like reading just for pleasure, or does she associate it with learning?

Try not to jump on everything she shows an interest in. If she likes a particular topic then don't join in - simply let it be 'her' thing.

Could she try reading from what you’ve described OP she wants to be good at the various hobbies she’s tried but something is holding her back, she might be w little young at the moment but this book might be a good investment for a few years down the line: www.waterstones.com/book/you-are-awesome/matthew-syed/9781526361158

Excuse my various typos/ errors!