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Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in

999 replies

pineapplebryanbrown · 12/05/2019 00:18

Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions? My team of unqualified but experienced Agony Aunts and myself have a 100% success rate. We're very friendly and never judgemental. Even if you're riddled with the clap.

OP posts:
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36
CarolinePooter · 14/05/2019 15:46

mrscat a "Gary" is always bad news. He will be dealt with during the Zombie Apocalypse, never fear.

wolf your baby will need all his teeth during the ZA so he needs to keep them coming! If it's any consolation, they often come in several at a time so it doesn't last forever. If you have a second child, one day you will notice it suddenly has a decent set of gnashers, which you never noticed arriving.

CarolinePooter · 14/05/2019 15:53

dangly we need more details. Obviously Gary is no loss, so no worries there. Stay strong, mrscat!

thigh is taking a suspiciously long time to return to us. Has she found a welcome in the valleys? Is some saucy Welsh farmer detaining her with promises of Welsh slankets and undying devotion? She could also be in danger!!

WaxaCuntee · 14/05/2019 16:16

Okay, so I agree with Naked that we should take time and perhaps prepare ourselves for ZA, No rush, after all only we will know it's coming and so can be in a brilliant position when Naked starts it as we will be tooled up and have all our supplies from Asda and the like.

We definitely need to sort out cat and thigh first. Cat can you tell us where you are? if we save you it won't be visiting, it will be saving. Thigh might just be having a lovely time with the dogs and stuff but she shouldn't neglect us.

MrsCatE · 14/05/2019 16:40

I am in..... Foreign... Aarghhhh "Gary, ffs - undo effing handcuffs. I'll put the blindfold back on Wink

Nowaypast · 14/05/2019 16:44

Does anyone have easy access to mobile phone masts? I believe we need to climb up one and we'll find a print out up there somewhere of all the mobile phones that have rung, and where the users are. Then it's a simple matter of finding MrsC's number and address, and we're good to go. I think that's how it works anyway.

I'd volunteer but I've no head for heights.

Nowaypast · 14/05/2019 16:46

Could Gary be taught how to do good sex? Because if so, that's something I will volunteer for. I'm sure I'll remember what to do once I get going.

DanglyTassles · 14/05/2019 16:54

Your plan is a good one No but where it falls down is that, close though us thisters are, we do not know MrsCat's number. All we know is her name is MrsCat

DogHairEverywhere · 14/05/2019 17:00

Could we climb up the mast and just shout 'oi Gary fuckboy, we know what you're doing with mrs C'?

DogHairEverywhere · 14/05/2019 17:01

Actially, thinking about it, do we think MrsCat's cat could sniff her out? I've got an old harness that might fit a cat?

DanglyTassles · 14/05/2019 17:08

Oh yes Dog ! We must go and collect Bastard Cat and he will guide us to MrsCat like a scratchy beacon! (Do you have armour, apparently he bites and scratches to maim)

DogHairEverywhere · 14/05/2019 17:24

Hmmm, i have some wotsits left, do you think he can be bribed?

justdog · 14/05/2019 17:26

Honestly, I go to something as stupid and time consuming as work (tut tut) and I find all sorts has been going on! I can't keep up!

Wolf you have my sympathies on the teething, just wait till he starts biting! Collected my offspring from nursery where she has had a whale of a time, she was described lovingly as 'feral' today. I felt most proud.

Actually, we could use the babies as secret weapons for the za, surely? No-one suspects an innocent baby...

thislido · 14/05/2019 17:26

Bastard Cat hates Mrs Cat and only loves her husband, if I remember correctly, but I think Mrs Cat feeds him so he might be persuaded on that account.

DogHairEverywhere · 14/05/2019 17:27

If we can harness BastardCat up safely, and he tracks her, we could release him when we find fuckboy Gary, that would save us the bother of dirtying our grape scissors.
It would be a story worthy of the papers, 'cat rescues owner'.

MrsCatE · 14/05/2019 17:28

Haven't followed glorious Thigh for ages (being kidnapped and Stuff) and lack of signal/battery. However, have vanquished my enemies - Fuckboy has been sent out in a dingy with a few goatskins of water and some hard tack. I got him after psyching myself up with a magnificent hakka doble. However, decided I quite like "Forin'". Rum drinks, beach and different Fuckboys collecting plastic sheeting.

Later Thisters.

DogHairEverywhere · 14/05/2019 17:29

This rescuing malarky is never as easy as the famous 5 made it out to be.

thislido · 14/05/2019 17:33

I don’t think she wants to be rescued now.

DanglyTassles · 14/05/2019 17:41

Well Gary is very lucky! We nearly unleashed Bastard Cat on him! He'd be in ribbons!!

just don't try to keep up with these threads if you miss any parts, I tried it once and it made my head spin and a little bit of sick came up just from the g-force!

WaxaCuntee · 14/05/2019 17:52

Shall we rescue thigh? Or do you think she is just having a lovely time somewhere? I have this house of mine to myself for an hour, what shall I do?

thislido · 14/05/2019 18:04

Wax a leisurely wank?

thislido · 14/05/2019 18:04

Thigh we miss you. Send us a sign.

WaxaCuntee · 14/05/2019 18:05

Thigh is having a wank? or I should have one?
I've decided to eat some chips for now, maybe wank later

thislido · 14/05/2019 18:08

You

DogHairEverywhere · 14/05/2019 18:10

Chips and a wank! Wax you are living the dream.

theworldistoosmall · 14/05/2019 18:17

Oooh hopefully you lot can help, was going to start a thread.

I have to go back into hospital in a few weeks time for more surgery. I really, really cannot go back to this specialist hospital. Other hospitals can do the op, but how do I go about avoiding the place?