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Original poster

Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in

999 replies

pineapplebryanbrown · 12/05/2019 00:18

Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions? My team of unqualified but experienced Agony Aunts and myself have a 100% success rate. We're very friendly and never judgemental. Even if you're riddled with the clap.

OP posts:
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36
DanglyTassles · 13/05/2019 22:52

Ok Dog good approach! What snax shall we have? Let's plan that first!

justdog · 13/05/2019 23:00

Angry dog can babysit and also direct the nearby firemen to actual home emergencies...

I accidentally ate my original snax offering of Pringles, however I do have some salt and vinegar kettle chips. And some mini battenburgs... they should keep the energy levels up?

thislido · 13/05/2019 23:10

The empty Pringles tube could be like a pea shooter but with larger ammo.

Just no need to qualify your statement about drinking around your baby, there is no judgement in Thighland.

DogHairEverywhere · 13/05/2019 23:13

Ive got wotsits and chocolate fingers.

DogHairEverywhere · 13/05/2019 23:13

I can't decide if thats my list of snax , or a medical complaint.

thislido · 13/05/2019 23:14

Or a first aid kit

LadAlive · 13/05/2019 23:51

I've got the Russian poisoner's Twiglets (I've eaten all my snax).
I reckon a Twiglet in the earhole would get right on Margaret's nerves, or worse, we could make her eat them because they're not fucking snax, they're just nastiness on your tongue.
We're coming Thigh! (When we've sorted our snax list out)
STAY STRONG!

nakedscientist · 14/05/2019 00:09

Ok ok you can't just click your fingers and get a big ZA you know!

It takes time, especially as all your bits keep dropping off and you have to suck people's livers out using only grape scissors.

We like internal organs and blood and yes peniae. Obviously chocx. and crispz. Too

But ladies, what's the rush? We need to plan and nap and relax with snax we are the women who won't, after all.

Jemima232 · 14/05/2019 00:31

Ladies,, I need your valuable advice, as you're so committed to staying up all night drinking helping unfortunate cyclist-haters (no judgement please.)

How can I convince myself that cyclists are really quite normal despite wearing spandex pants during snowstorms genuinely looking to save the planet?

I just have this irrational hatred towards them feeling that they do not listen to me when I tell them to fuck off when I berate them gently for being themselves total fuckshits

I am desperate and cannot sleep as I have drunk a lot of gin tonight as I have no partner to share my life.

I would welcome your advice, as I feel that my life is worthless.

DanglyTassles · 14/05/2019 07:47

Jemima232 you are focussing on the wrong thing!

Of course you should hate cyclists, this fit active fuckers! They just get in the way of getting home to one's sofa and slanket! The toned bastards!

No wonder you suffer with inner conflict, you poor dear, you didn't realise that you should hate cyclists hence your dissatisfaction with yourself.

I hope that puts your mind at rest and don't worry, we will add them to our list!

CarolinePooter · 14/05/2019 08:50

jemima , it would help just to hate the spandex ones. They are the ones who are showing off. Have you suffered trauma due to a cyclist? Tell us his name and he can go on the kill list.

CarolinePooter · 14/05/2019 09:15

Get yourself some grape scissors, just in case.

Jemima232 · 14/05/2019 10:22

@CarolinePooter

You have hit the nail on the head, or rem acu tetigisti, as Jeeves once said to Bertie Wooster.

I have indeed suffered trauma due to a cyclist. I am a midwife and had to stop to render first aid when one was knocked off his bike. This made me late for the seventh cup of tea at the midwives' base a tutorial on infant resuscitation.

How do I get past this? Obviously I had to stop, as I was in uniform as it was I who knocked him over and a large crowd was gathering

nakedscientist · 14/05/2019 11:02

Hello Jemima

Yes hate the spandex ones, fair dos. Everyone does. Next time finish them off properly tho'

nakedscientist · 14/05/2019 11:06

I am off to Ramsgate and was thinking of starting the ZA sometime in the afternoon...Or early evening I am meeting up with many other fellow zombies to watch a special zombie musical combo, they are so special they are called the Soecials see.

Up The Inner Thigh!!! Hurrah, hazzar, hurrah!

CarolinePooter · 14/05/2019 11:07

jemima you have done yourself proud! Doubtless reviving a big sweaty adult is some distance from reviving a dear little infant, but the main thing is to have transferable skills

Did you catch his name? One for the kill list, if it doesn't seem a waste. They never bloody look.

The crucial thing when taking revenge is to be subtle. Wait for the Zombie Apocalypse and cruise round with your grape scissors and/or tomato knife. Keep a copy of "Right-Ho Jeeves" in your back pocket. It is now your bible

DanglyTassles · 14/05/2019 12:33

naked why this is splendid news! But please wait for your beautiful bride to return from being kidnapped by Margaret in the Welsh hottub!

thigh has been looking forward to the ZA since she was born so she cannot miss the start of the festivities!

jemima Don't worry, word on the street is the ZA is imminent! His name is down for oblivion!

DanglyTassles · 14/05/2019 12:34

Btw was his name Ian?

DogHairEverywhere · 14/05/2019 13:43

I bet his name was Ian, the spandex clothed ones often are.

Nowaypast · 14/05/2019 14:15

Well, that was scary. Clicked on the thread to catch up and found many postings about cribs and car seats and shit. Was getting terribly worried the ZA had gone ahead and you had all become Zombies without me. Then I realised I'd clicked on the wrong thread. Phew.

What time is the ZA happening anyway? Have I got time for a cup of tea? And do I really have to go all the way to Asda? There's a very handy Tesco Express just up the road.

Jemima you mustn't worry about knocking cyclists off, none of us do. I aim for at least two a week. It's one of the only valid reasons for leaving my bed.

Thigh are you here yet? You seem to be taking the long way home.

TheLoneWolfDies · 14/05/2019 14:31

Would anybody fancy taking baby wold off my hands for like a month or two until he takes a break from this teething crap? I am so sick of hearing 'aaaaaooooooo' 'mmmmmmmmmm' and other such whiny noises.

Nowaypast · 14/05/2019 14:36

I'll have him wolf as long as I don't have to get out of bed. And as long as he doesn't need food or water or stuff

(Sympathies - I remember that stage. It's hard).

TheLoneWolfDies · 14/05/2019 14:46

Aye its hard alright, one tooth up, 19 more to go 😑 its so frustrating because one minute hes so happy and smiley, the next hes a demon.. I have just been hit on the head with a really hard toy and then cried at like IM the problem!! Being eaten by zombies sounds like a luxury right now. 😂

MrsCatE · 14/05/2019 15:37

I've been kidnapped you twats (thisters my arse) only 2 min baterry left after trying to find new thread. It's Gary, the Fuckboy. Not as thick as we thought. This is it. He's a crap shag too.

DanglyTassles · 14/05/2019 15:44

Oh my! Thisters!! it's a Code Blue!! MrsCat has been kept in captivity by Gary the Fuckboy!

She is suffering from rubbish shagging as well! We must rescue!! Get tooled up immediately and stand by.

But then how can we rescue thigh from Margaret's Welsh hot tub at the same time?

Anyone good at complex plans?

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