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Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in

999 replies

pineapplebryanbrown · 12/05/2019 00:18

Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions? My team of unqualified but experienced Agony Aunts and myself have a 100% success rate. We're very friendly and never judgemental. Even if you're riddled with the clap.

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36
DanglyTassles · 13/05/2019 18:18

I think you should take your local Chinese No but you'll have to be careful some of them have martial arts skill and might kill you instead!

Take a Death Star and a grapefruit spoon!

LovelyCocksReg · 13/05/2019 18:53

Dafuq are grape scissors?

CarolinePooter · 13/05/2019 18:54

noway they do look very similar...eyeballs it is...out out vile jellies I think?

Dangly there could be loads of useful weapons. The best thing I've found to use so far is a special tomato cutting knife. It is curved and serrated and lethal. You could have someone's liver out with a mere flick of the wrist!

Otherwise the only useful things are numerous pure linen tea towels with pre-decimal price tags.

Nowaypast · 13/05/2019 19:25

Reg we've discovered very effective liver whipper-outer weapons masquerading as grape scissors. I'm happy to take on the local Chinese. They're closed on Tuesdays though so can't do it tomorrow. I'll approach carefully with the grape scissors at the ready on Wednesday.

The linen tea towels with the price tags on could be excellent at removing eyes? You'd just have to twist and whip them. Ah, this is bringing back memories of the good old days when my dc were little ... Before they left for the fair.

Nowaypast · 13/05/2019 19:26

Perhaps I'll visit them. Anyone know where the fair is next week?

Nowaypast · 13/05/2019 19:27

Oh actually that sounds like a lot of effort. I'll wait until the fair comes to me.

DanglyTassles · 13/05/2019 19:40

No I like it! We could put razors in the labels, like the caps on Peaky Blinders! We could go around blinding people and stealing their eyeballs and food!!

There might be a fairground app on your phone, you never know! There's a fireplace app and a fish tank app so why not?

Nowaypast · 13/05/2019 21:01

I'm more interested in the maiming people than the food tbh. Unless the food is mini rolls of course.

Is the ZA going to require a lot of effort? If so, could I perhaps play an administrative role? That doesn't require me to leave home?

Thigh you are very quiet tonight. I hope those Welsh folk haven't subdued you?

DanglyTassles · 13/05/2019 21:08

I'm suspecting she might be driving home No

I think the ZA will be fun but you'll only get out it what you put in, in terms of violence, so if you can't be arsed I think you're best off on the sofa scarfing mini rolls.

Nowaypast · 13/05/2019 21:35

Ah right, that explains thigh's radio silence. I hope you're right Dangly, but what if she's tied up in the hot tub with Margaret patrolling the perimeter every hour? .

It's not that I can't be arsed with the ZA, I think it's an excellent cause. And as you know, I'm prepared to lend my grape scissors to all and sundry, it's just that I'm more of an eater a lover than a fighter. At least, from memory, I think I am. It's been a while.

justdog · 13/05/2019 21:45

I need urgent help. Due to unforeseen circumstances, I forgot to make carbs with my dinner (ants don't count).

Can you or can you not make potato waffles in a toaster???

DanglyTassles · 13/05/2019 21:50

Oh no!! What if she is? Shall we pop over with our weapons just in case?

Ok never mind the ZA now we have to get thigh and her vicious circle out of Margaret's clutches.

We need to shoot to kill, are you with me?

Nowaypast · 13/05/2019 21:51

I think you can, yes.

Um, just out of curiosity - what's the average response time of your local fire brigade?

Nowaypast · 13/05/2019 21:52

Oh Dangly need you ask? Of course I'm with you. Think it's just you and me tonight though. And possibly just after she's had her potato waffles.

DanglyTassles · 13/05/2019 21:57

Come on just we're going to shoot em up in Wales, (where are we actually going No I've forgotten again? is is Borin or somewhere?)

Don't panic thigh we are coming! (eventually)

justdog · 13/05/2019 22:00

I can confirm with much happiness that you can indeed cook potato waffles in the toaster! I am literally beside myself with joy!

And FYI, my nearest fire station is about 2mins drive away, as the crow flies... would be quicker for an actual fire to happen for them to see it (ya know, like the smoke signals of the good old days, that it would be for me to fanny around on the phone telling them where I live, with my useless exploded toaster.

I am so excited about this revelation of the toaster/waffle thing 🎊🎊🎊

justdog · 13/05/2019 22:02

Wait... we are going to wales?! What have I missed?! Will read back to save you the ardour or repeating the plan...

Nowaypast · 13/05/2019 22:06

I'm not sure of the exact coordinates but we will be fine. I am after all Welsh, and although I haven't lived there for many years, I feel sure my ancient Celtic instincts will reassert themselves, and lead us to Margaret and her hot tub.

Just once we have rescued thigh, I'm going to have to stay with you to carry out a health and safety audit on your nearby fire station.

justdog · 13/05/2019 22:13

No I think I will join you. Just an informal warning to them that there is a lunatic roasting waffles in their near vicinity and could they be extra vigilant for coils of smoke, or exploding houses, that sort of thing?

Being half Irish myself, I understand the Celtic pull. Especially after a few drinks (this was aeons ago by the way, way before justbaby), a few smirnoffs and I was irish dancing away, blessing people with the luck o the Irish, and blessing the Blarney Stone for all and sundry, and I am completely sure I was fluent in Gaelic.... ah the homeland....

DanglyTassles · 13/05/2019 22:16

Just don't worry we don't need a plan, No is Welsh,so she will know what to do, just grab a weapon, have you a crochet needle or something?

Nowaypast · 13/05/2019 22:18

Well you bring your Gaelic, I'll bring my
Celtic, we'll devise a fierce routine in the style of the maoris, perform it around Margaret and cause a diversion for Dangly to free thigh from the hot tub. Sorted. Then home to your nearby firemen.

DanglyTassles · 13/05/2019 22:23

Oh well we had the Haka Doble a few threads ago, it needs to make a come back now then (it's a rugby Haka crossed with the Pasa Doble on Strictly!

HHHHUUUUUUUUGGGHHHHH HAHA HA A HUUUUUUUGHH

justdog · 13/05/2019 22:29

I have an angry dog? And half a tube of Pringles? I reckon with some practice that could do some damage...we could also use the joint Gaelic/Celtic link to confuse people... perhaps by communicating in jibberish?

Edit in the time it took me to write this and put the angry dog to bed, I now have an empty tube of Pringles... same applies.

Nowaypast · 13/05/2019 22:35

Will the angry dog be ok at home while we go marauding?

DogHairEverywhere · 13/05/2019 22:50

I'm up for a bit of marauding, and i am familiar with the area that Thigh was last heard from, however...i don't think it will be as easy to find her as you may think. She is up in the hills somewhere and there are many, many hills in Wales. Also hot tubs and people called Margaret.
I think we should not rush into this rescue with an ill thought out plan. I suggest a flip chart and some snax to start with.