Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions? My team of unqualified but experienced Agony Aunts and myself have a 100% success rate. We're very friendly and never judgemental. Even if you're riddled with the clap.

We don't have visitors, we have carers

Yes, carers and butlers.

I've had 3 shits so far this morning, each more alarming and explosive. It's progressive.

I must get through this 1kg punnet of summer berries though, I hope I survive.

Oh dear, there's also two punnets of strawberries dated today. Damn these 3 for 2 offers, they'll be the death of me.

TBF thigh , it's only 50% more shits than you would have anyway. Your third shit cost nothing, and you are now full of lovely vitamins!

In my experience massive norks don't prevent you from diving (though they increase the splash radius significantly) but they do very much prevent you from hauling yourself out of the water in a smooth manner.

I find I have to wedge them over the edge then use them as a pivot to get the rest of my out. Its very much two stage...norks onto the ledge, and roll.

Your body has turned into a kind of jam factory, Thigh.

You could drop the remaining strawberries into the freezer in a bag, but for Thighs sake don't read the batch cooking AIBU thread.

M3lon I bow to your experience re norks. Mine are new. Inability to dive is probably due to my enormous arse.

I once spent a horrible 15 minutes trying to get back in a sailing dingy...I thought I'd done the hard work righting it...but no...getting my centre of mass over the edge while in possession of Norks is far harder...

I wouldn't have been surprised to find someone had filmed the whole incident for the discovery channel. The commonality with 'walrus attempts to get onto rock' must have been very clear...I'm also in possession of a sizable arse as it goes too.

Thigh have you survived the berry onslaught?

So many pages to catch up on. I hope the cabal are all thriving? My bowels are very unsettled, but I’m soldiering on. I haven’t even had any berries.

project they're giving each other boob jobs now. So pretty well business as normal....

Oh not that it's a bad thing!!

No one’s adding anything to mine, I like having less to carry.

Proj I thought you’d done a runner with our house money.

Ooh good point lido!

How's the house hunting, project ? I'll need room for my books and a decent kettle.

Proj where is our house money? We're counting on it, I'll educate The Boy, we'll have a lot of fun.

TL can't I interest you in just one cup size? You'd be popular and get a new boyfriend, maybe 2 sizes?

Picture me like Paddington and his suitcase ;-)

You'd be popular and get a new boyfriend

Are you out of your mind???

thigh careful you don't accidentally donate too much. Have you measured correctly? Perhaps you need an intervention ? Style and Beauty people will talk you through it.

Is it wrong that I love my robot hoover more than I have ever loved any human? I've been looking at robot lawnmowers too, my life would be complete then. I'm a bit scared of them though, apparently you control the lawnmower from your phone. Well that's completely beyond me.

On the berry front, I'm still working my way through the summer berries and I have a bad case of grumble tums which does not portend well. Still, needs must.

Fuck me these threads are are hard to skim read.

WHY IS THERE A BIG TITTED IMPOSTER IN THIGH’S HOUSE?

WHERE IS CAT?

DANGLY - PRETTY SURE THE DARK LORD DIDNT GIVE YOU A MIGRAINE. PETTY THEFT IS MORE HIS BAG.

I don’t know why I’m speaking in capitals. I’m disappointed that I now have read the tinder / letterbox thread too.

No moneyz from house sale yet. Also 2 shits in half an hour. Worrying.

TL mwa ha ha

How is your arse this evening, thigh?

Have you considered naming it? What about Crack-atoa?

PS I desperately need tits if going spare?

Poot with the donation to Cat it's a G. I think I'll give you a bit, plump up those old norks in case Churchy gets exhumed.