Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions? My team of unqualified but experienced Agony Aunts and myself have a 100% success rate. We're very friendly and never judgemental. Even if you're riddled with the clap.

Dog it's ok to be rude to chuggers, they are all that is wrong in this world (apart from all the other things that are wrong in this world!)

I have some squeezy primula cheese to go on the mini cheddars. I wonder if I sleep ate the Pringles? They were s&v flavour too.

Ooh I've also got a lot of meringue nests so that's sweet n savoury sorted.

*Dangly" It's "Neighbour does not greet or talk to me WWYD? In AIBU.

My only problem with pretending to be out is if it's a burglar casing the joint. One time I was a bit slow answering the door and the guy was strolling round the house looking in the windows. I shouted loudly "I'll get it!" to my nonexistent companion, and opened the door. He had some feeble excuse, looking for address etc. Boy my knees were knocking after that!

We do get the supposed ex- lags selling dusters around here. I have had torrents of abuse, howling and loud banging after refusing to buy. The only consolation is there is usually a group in the neighbourhood, so not a lone killer but someone with lots of houses to cover!

My next house needs barbed wire round it, I think, or an intercom system at least!

Thanks I'll go over and observe at the strangeness.

That's really scary Pooter, good job you thought to do that!

Ok so when one of our money making schemes come up trumps we will invest in living in an impenetrable fortress with food parcels to be dangled down via helicopter like when the 'bushtucker' arrives in 'I'm a Celebrity', only we want better food than bits of eel and aligator of course!

Oh that would be bliss! I do like my boundaries!

Me too Pooter! I've thought it through, I thought it would be lovely if we all have a separate wing of the mansion, we won't be lonely, we can chat to each other on MN all day.

Every now and again you could throw an illegal garden party for us where we do get together and TTWAT can do her topiary for us but other than that we can be reclusive.

Any children can be educated by a live in nanny who we don't talk to!

Pets can run free and be welcomed anywhere in the castle.

Shall we start saving up then? I've got a few 2ps, 5ps and some bottle tops to start us off. Project's house money will give us a financial boost!

Dangly it sounds lovely!

Speaking of boundaries, DONS has messaged to say that once they escape from the interminable hell that is Swindon Services on a dull Sunday afternoon (the van is apparently making a slightly strange sound), the band is breaking up. Threatening DONS with violence because it was clear that the entire venue was there for him and not the frontman, so he apparently needed to be taken down a peg or two, is apparently the step too far I've been waiting for.

My suggestion of boundaries (fisticuffs would be pointless, as frontman is a foot taller and several stone heavier than DONS) is to

1. Keep quiet until he's back home and then tell him officially by email to fuck off,

or

1. Say nothing, do nothing and ghost him. Let him wonder whether he has a band for the two months of extremely lucrative shows coming up. And then tell him to fuck off when it's too late to try to recruit and rehearse an entirely new band.

The latter appeals as my preferred option 1:

Let me go and hunt down and castrate the bastard.

• is apparently not allowed.

I might be many things (old, fat, somewhat traumatised by childhood and recent experiences, for example), but I'm also of an age where I genuinely have not seen a Lesser Spotted Flying Fuck about for a very long time. And I fucking detest bullies and abusers, especially when, having worked as crew for them for years, I know that he would never have the balls to say a word to the band if I were with them.

What would be the panellists' advice?

And do you have better ideas for retribution?

Some sort of holding pen with piped music of the sort he wouldn’t enjoy?

They're effectively in a holding pen already, being sat for four hours so far behind a safety barrier somewhere in the region of Newbury. He's apparently refusing to leave the van although I'm at a loss to see how it could possibly get stolen when the fucking thing won't move and they're now feeling cold, so are huddling up together like chickens in a rainstorm and consoling themselves with the thought that they aren't in the firing line for any HGV-Parked van impacts.

Well, they were when DONS sent his last message saying he was about to run out of battery.

Mitzi has a Kazoo! Yay! I welcome her / him / it (prefered pronoun) to our great land.

Can't be arsed to be post more pics - too relaxed by attentive local Fuckboys bearing rum cocktails and the Johnny Depp lookalike pirate (Aarrghh, me matey); as opposed to evil Somali pirates intent on hijacking massive cargo ships.

Dangly, we do not appear to be on the same beach as MrsCat. I fear your magic pube carpet has gone astray.
Mitzik i am living vicariously through the exciting updates of your DONS stuck in a van with a dying battery in the path of a thundering juggernaut. I'm imaging the music (played on a kazzoo) is starting to speed up.

mrsCat save some rum cocktail (and a fresh fuckboy), we'll be there soon, eh, Dangly?

Oh no! Dog you're right! We are lost!! I must reset the pube-nav to get us back on track!

Yes, yes we're nearly there now ... one tick ...

Plastic sheeting gathering par excellence. If I could be arsed to emerge from Rum coma I could do some excellent murdering. Looking forward to seeing you all, no visiting, mind. X

Fuck. Picture now attached.

We promise not to visit when we visit MrsCat , of course you'll be aware of our arrival, you'll notice a very large carpet of pubes circling above you with a load of slanketed women and crumbs on it.

It's not every day you'll see this vision in the sky!

Project you can definitely borrow DH. I imagine he'd be only too grateful to get away from the soup of dummies, automated dinosaurs, and Duplo that is our living room. In fact do you want to borrow me too?

Or would that be visiting.....

Hello Johnny nice to meet you. I was off sick yesterday with a hangover.

Jump on my magic carpet of pubes, I'll throw you a rope, we're all going on holiday!

(If the pube-nav can ever find it's way to MrsCat's island that is!)

Has anyone else noticed that the holiday pics that mrsC is posting appear to be the same shot each time. Have you moved at all since you arrived? (No judgement, more envy that you have achieved complete inertia, something that i am still striving for).

Yes Dog, she really has been stationary for the past couple of days!

Complete inertia** is a key parameter of perfection only reached on the event horizon of uncertainty.

Possibly* MrsCat and DONS haver reached this state.* Due to being connected to cats who struggle with orientation.

* They should be given a ceremonial slanket to mark the occasion.*

Apart from DONS of course, since he is only a fuckboy.

naked hello! I hope you are writing from the carpet of pubes?

Please fasten your seat belts, we will shortly arrive at our destination!

My goal for next week is to use Naked's sentence: Complete inertia is a key parameter of perfection only reached on the event horizon of uncertainty, in real life.